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Karmacat

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Posts: 40
 #1 
I had to put down my lovely Karma cat on 8 Dec 2017. She had developed Squamous Cell Carcinoma and it ate a hole in the roof of her mouth, which caused her to stop eating. That forced me to go the terrible route of having a feeding tube inserted in her which was something I desperately wished to avoid. She even lost her sight in the last 2 weeks of her life and it was heartbreaking to see her walking into walls and stuff in the last weeks of her life. Much as I was very much against euthanasia, I had to bite the bullet in the end as I could not bear the thought of letting her die slowly from the cancer eating away the roof of her mouth totally and into her brain. But as everybody here knows, euthanasia is not something that anyone of us can feel good about. It is an awful feeling to have to kill the very thing you love and want desperately to save.
Though I only had 4+ years as her custodian, I never expected how bad the fallout would be. I recall when my first girlfriend broke up with me 40 years ago, it hurt so much and I cried for a week or two. In 1990, a girl I loved a lot committed suicide and that really hurt. I recall being in tears for 2 or 3 weeks. But I was really caught out by Karma cat's passing. I knew it was going to suck but never imagined things could be this bad! Since I lost her, I have spent a couple of hours every day crying and whimpering like a little child, which is something totally new to me. Having spent my whole life cultivating a detached cool attitude, I never imagined that I had so much tears in me in the first place.
The price of love is pain. The deeper we love, the more we hurt afterwards. This experience just crushed me like a bug. Before, I had some confidence that such terrible things wouldn't happen to me or my cat, or that I could at least fix the problem if it arose. But finally, I was rendered powerless and forced to kill the very thing I loved so much and was so desperate to save. I know many people here will know exactly what I am talking about, having gone through it themselves..
I'm really surprised how much I miss Karma cat every day. I can't think of her without breaking down in tears. Joy has totally left the building and really, I feel more dead than alive. The thought that I will never see Karma cat again is really unbearable! More than anything else, this little kitty has brought me closer to experiencing a pure unconditional love, but the payback has been the worst experience of my life. I'm wondering when the tears and pain will actually stop... it feels like it might go on forever. If only my suffering could have saved her, I would gladly suffer on till the end of my days. Sometimes I feel like it might have been better if I had never adopted Karma cat at all but I know that is rubbish. I accept the price and the penalty. Love you forever Karma cat and thank you for allowing me to be part of your life and I really hope and pray that we will be together again one day, somehow...
I really wondered at first if I was somehow defective or broken, but I realise now that I am but one of a legion of people who are going through exactly the same grief and pain from losing a fur baby. I miss you every day Karma cat, and though it hurts horribly, I am really thankful for the time you sent with me. I pray you are in a better place and free from pain and suffering. Love you forever!!
brenrae

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Posts: 4,645
 #2 
I am so sorry for your loss of your sweet baby. I don't think it would of been better if you had never adopted Karma for though the pain is great, the joy and the love she gave you is so much more. I feel it is worth the grief and the pain, for you got to know what a wonderful girl she is, and was. I know how hard it is right now, for I have been through it also, when I had to let my boy, Harry go. I also believe that we will see our babies again, and until that time comes, we must try to continue to live our life the way they would want us to. Take all the time you need to grieve for I know it is a long road. I also know that coming here to this site is a big help, for as you have mentioned, we have all been through it, or there are some that are going through it.  
Karmacat

Registered:
Posts: 40
 #3 
Thank you Brenrae for your kind words. Yes it has been very hard - possibly the hardest journey emotionally I have ever faced. After 7 months, I still spend several hours a day in tears, which is terrible and shocking. It seems Karma cat's suffering has ended while mine is just beginning. Without realising it, and without meaning to, I really fell in love this time. I tried to ask her to live till at least 2020 but it was not meant to be. It doesn't seem like the pain might ever go away and of course, I've never missed anything or anyone so much before.
Karmacat

Registered:
Posts: 40
 #4 
And at the 8th month, I am still mourning K cat's passing everyday. I feel weak for feeling such a deep and prolonged grief, but I feel strong for still enduring this torture day after day.
Karmacat

Registered:
Posts: 40
 #5 
Gosh Karma cat, the tears keep coming everyday, and there's no end in sight. I could accept all manner of disappointments and problems for myself, but I could never accept the suffering and pain you went through at the end. I don't know how I am going to work through this but we will just take it a day at a time. Plus I feel a horrible urge to smoke again, which I am resisting with all my might. Love you girl and I miss you everyday, so much, so much...
Karmacat

Registered:
Posts: 40
 #6 
Love you karma cat. How I miss you everyday, wish you could have stayed around a little longer...
Karmacat

Registered:
Posts: 40
 #7 
My karma cat, increasingly, the pleasures of the world seem empty and hollow since you've been gone. They only have meaning when we can enjoy them with the ones we love at our sides. I feel the weight of your loss everyday, and remain haunted by your sufferings at the end. Life seems like some kind of cruel joke. I miss you so much, Karma cat..
Karmacat

Registered:
Posts: 40
 #8 
When I think of you and the tears invariably start to flow, Karma cat, it seems like they flow not just for you my precious one, but for all the other cats which have fallen ill, been injured or hurt and have passed on, or will pass on. But not just cats, but dogs, rabbits, hamsters, chickens, pigs, and every wonderful animal out there, tame or wild. And the domino effect of each animal's passing, each passing bringing months and years of sadness and grief to the wonderful people who had taken them in, who had loved them and cared for them. Everything seems so dark and sad, but all deserve so much better than this unending trail of pain and tears.
Karmacat

Registered:
Posts: 40
 #9 
Karma cat's story pt 1
Karma cat was the stray cat who made the neighbourhood library her home. Every time I went there, I would just go up to her and pet her for a bit and say hello. She seemed healthy and well fed, courtesy of one of these angels who went around everyday to feed the community cats. But one day I noticed she seemed down with a heavy flu, with quite a bit of nasal discharge. I checked on her a few days later and she seemed much worse, so much so that I thought she might not make it without medical intervention. So I put her in my cage and brought her to the vet, with the idea to cure her and then place her back after she was well. The vet pointed out that she was not a young cat and likely had a chronic respiratory problem due to the herpes virus. Anyway after the course of antibiotics and lysine, she only improved somewhat but wasn't cured. By then, she must have won my heart already, so I decided to adopt her permanently. I researched deeply into alternate meds and herbal and supplements and stuff, and initially felt confident that a cure could be found. Sadly, I was never able to cure her through many different regiments that I tried over the next four plus years. It wasn't till near the end that I found she was FIV positive as well .. She continued to suffer from periodic flare ups of respiratory distress and sometimes had asthma like attacks too. But at least, she had a safe and comfortable home now, and never had to go hungry or brave the elements.
Karmacat

Registered:
Posts: 40
 #10 
Karma cat's story pt. 2
K cat was already quite old when I took her in, possibly as much as 10 years old. In contrast with my other cat Botti, K cat was a very calm assured lady. Whereas the slightest hint of rain would cause Botti to run and hide under my blanket, K cat would calmly go out to the balcony to watch the rain and storm with perfect calmness. She was also a rather quiet girl who hardly meowed or vocalised. About a month before her demise, I noticed she seemed to be weakening. Also one day, a tooth fell out. The vet this time found there was a hole in the roof of her mouth and suspected squamous cell carcinoma, which was later confirmed by biopsy. A subsequent X ray showed that shockingly, the cancer had eaten away most of her top left jawbone, so they later had to remove all her upper teeth on the left. We had to insert a feeding tube in her neck so I could still feed her as well as give her her meds. I really had to man up and administer her sub cuts, injections, change her feeding tube dressing etc so I was well out of my comfort zone by then. On her second last visit to the vet, the cancer diagnosis was confirmed, and the hole in her mouth had enlarged a lot and the x ray found the destruction in her left upper jawbone. By then, the hole had caused her left eyeball to drop into the socket, and she became blind. The vet recommended me to think about letting her go, which to me, was an unthinkable taboo subject. However, over the next few days, she continued to fade, and I realised I had no option left. I couldn't let her suffer on like that. In the last days, I sang to her several times a day. She seemed to like that, and it seemed to calm her. The final trip to the vet was the most difficult and horrible thing I have ever gone through, but at least it was smooth and quick, and just like that, K cat was gone. In the last days, weak as she was, every morning when I went to her room, she would come up to greet me, with her tail high and erect behind her. Even on the last day. That image is one of the enduring ones I will remember forever.
These days, when I go the library, the words of the tune 'This Used To Be My Playground' by Madonna will play in my head, and the sadness and tears would come immediately. Like many others here have experienced, a part of me died with her that day on 8 Dec 2017, and I miss her so much everyday. This has been the most protracted and intense pain I have ever experienced, and I am an old guy already. But for the four plus years I had with Karma cat, it is entirely worth it. Karma cat was entirely worth it. I would do it all over again, if only I had the chance. Unconditional love really sucks...
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