Registered: 1554122061 Posts: 3
That's what the specialist vet said about our 6.5 month-old puppy.
We had only had her for 4.5 months, a mere blip on a human lifetime. At first I wasn't even sure that we'd keep her. We got her only a few days after losing our 15-year-old dog, my heart, to chronic kidney failure and resulting congestive heart failure. I was aching for my best friend and here was this stumpy little puppy, running around like a hyper savage, exploring everything with her little mouth and tiny dagger teeth. It didn't take long to love her. It didn't take long to see her as the brightest light during a very dark period. We poured our love into her and she gave so much right back. There were so many firsts, so many incomparable moments, so many laughs. She was so beautiful, so smart and full of absolute love and devotion. She helped me work through my grief and channel it into something wonderful. I never thought that we'd lose her, I never thought that I'd have my heart ripped out twice in such a short time. She was fine, and then she suddenly wasn't. One day she wouldn't eat. All she wanted to do was sleep. She was drinking/urinating more. All too familiar with the signs of kidney troubles, I rushed her to the family vet. She had a fever, but was sent home with supportive meds for the night. I brought her back the next morning and there she stayed all day, all night. They didn't have any answers. Her blood work was all over the place. She was referred to a specialist at a referral clinic. It was there that she spent the majority of her last two weeks, with strangers, scared (to the point of fear biting), uncomfortable and wondering where we were. We visited her every day, we called and checked in every morning and night. We gave them the go-ahead to run every test. She suffered a fracture early on while in their care, and every time we called there seemed to be more bad news, or the lack of any news. Every day we watched her fade away as the supportive care failed her, and the answers didn't come. She was a peculiar case they said, which is not what you want to hear when you came in expecting a temporary stay and a full recovery. After all, she was a puppy. By the time they had their diagnosis, she was dying. Her kidneys were rapidly failing and her head and neck pooling and swollen with fluids. They couldn't risk fixing her fracture until they had their answers, so she had remained injured. She could barely breathe. The prognosis was poor. There was nothing they could do. It was acute lymphoblastic leukaemia they said, but of course to completely confirm everything we'd have to do a post mortem. That wasn't happening. The last time we saw her, when we said goodbye to this small, scared creature, her spine and hip bones protruding, her once lively little body so fearless, graceful and athletic now so still, it was her face that broke my heart. It was the last cruel straw. The swelling, bordering on disfiguring, bore a striking resemblance to her face at 8 weeks old, soft, round and brand new to the world. Now she was exiting it. We spent $10,000 trying to save her, and now all we're left with is indescribable, bottomless pain. You do all you can to protect, nurture and love your family, but sometimes it just isn't enough. Sometimes you're just dealt a very bad hand. My heart goes out to each and every one of you, because if you're here you know this pain too well. You know that it stays with you, it erupts in burning, searing anguish, and with time you learn to live around it. You don't get over it, you don't heal. You scar and you carry that pain like a rock in a backpack. I try to focus on the fact that even though it was a short life, it was an incredibly happy one, but it's hard not to feel robbed.
Registered: 1498611382 Posts: 417
My heart goes out to you. I know the pain of letting go. No matter the age, saying goodbye tears your heart apart. I can read the love you had for her in every word you wrote. I can also feel the love and happiness that you gave her although short but it lasted her a life time. Your last sentence says a lot. Words I couldn't write but through your grief you shared those words. "In time you learn to live around it", " you don't get over it" Every one here carries those scars. Again, I am so sorry. I wish there were words to say that could help heal your shattered heart but I have never found those words to say. I lost me beloved Termy over 18 months ago and I still carry those scars. I will never heal and I will never be the same.
Sending you so much love, compassion and understanding. Love and doggie hugs Termy's mom
Registered: 1554122061 Posts: 3
Thank you for your kind words, and for reading. I know it was a very long post.
You're right about age, no matter how old or young, it's indescribably crushing. Having experienced loss from both sides of the spectrum in only four and a half months, I can feel each pain individually and simultaneously. Losing a puppy helped me appreciate just how long I had with my 15-year-old dog (although I still think he deserved longer). With him, I miss the relationship we built, the deep bond we shared, the fact that he was present for almost half of my life. With my puppy, I grieve the little milestones and happy memories, but also the ones we never got to make. There's just something cruel about the death of a baby. I'm so sorry for your loss as well. I know the pain becomes less sharp with time, but it's a pain you carry with you, and is said to match the depth of love you felt. Wherever they are, they know we love them and did the best we could for them. They probably want us to be happy. Love and doggie hugs and cuddles to you.
Registered: 1461547040 Posts: 79
I am so sorry for your both you and your pups.
It is the hardest thing.....
Registered: 1554580550 Posts: 10
Prayers and warm thoughts to you. I’m so sorry this happened. There’s nothing that can make the pain go away but I’m glad you are on this site. I found it incredibly helpful as I recently lost my best buddy too. Please know you are in the right place. I’m so sorry. ❤️