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Andijayne

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Posts: 5
 #1 
I killed my dog on Friday? Call it what you want humane euthanasia or whatever today it just feels like I killed my best friend who loved me unconditionally.
Kooper was the smartest funniest athletic dog I have ever known. I've put down two other fur kids in my lifetime, but this was different ..worse way worse. They were sick and had lived ful lives. Both big dogs lived to 16 and 15 yrs . Kooper was 7/8 yrs physically strong and energetic.
My boyfriend and I adopted Koop from the county shelter about 6 yrs ago. He was not quite 2 . He was a scared boy many fears and phobias but never any agression. We went slowly and did various confidence building activities. Group clssaes, outings, and even agility. He was excellent at obedience and earned his CGC cert. He was a rockstar at agility. Not too many pits Excel at agility but he loved it. He loved and was loved by many.
We had a busy house , many gatherings and frequent visitors. Never any agression.
About 2 yrs ago he started showing signs of unprovoked agression. At first this was just toward one if our male roommates who often played n walked him. Got rid of the roomate. Then it was towards other male visitors.
Hired a positive trainer , crated when guys came over, did muzzle training so we could work in issue.
His agression escalated to my boyfriend who was part of his family and we all lived together since adopted.
Hired other trainers/behaviorists, sent to board n train and had him checked for any medical issues. All tests came back clear .
Trainer told me it was me. I was too stressed out so he was going after boyfriend. I kept my distance from boyfriend at home when Koop was out n about. Tried giving treats when bf and I were in same room.
Koop has a solid place but would break out of nowhere and go after him.
He then went after my 22yr old niece. They were hiking buddies. 1st time he'd ever been agressive with a female.
I had to crate him more n more often .
He then got my sister. He was in place in his crate and she had been here for a few weeks.
And this point I didn't know what to do. He was fine one minute and the next he was acting out.
I was encouraged during these 2 yrs to put him down, but I justified not doing because the bites did not need stitches. He did leave bruises and punctures. He had so many good qualitaties but had become so unpredictable. I finally made the call . I was out of excuses.. I guess.

I really didn't intend to give you all this history..it just came out.

Doc gave him two shots of sedatives so he would go to sleep before the medicine. He didn't . He fought the sedatives. He was a bit more relaxed but still moving around quite a bit. He kept picking up his head looking around then rest in my lap. This went on for 20 min. The whole time I wanted to call it off. It was obvious he didn't want to go. He licked my hand a few times. I was trying so hard to be strong for him and let him know it was ok to rest and that I would be ok. After the 3rd CK the doc decided he wasn't going to get anymore relaxed. So he put in the
Meds and he was gone I lost it. Worst day ever.

I find myself wondering every minute of every day if I did the right thing by him. Did he need more time. More training more understanding. What if he was trying to tell me something and I just didn't get it. Guess it really doesn't matter anymore. He's gone. and I killed him.
TrekysMum

Moderator
Registered:
Posts: 737
 #2 
Dear Andijayne

It sounds like you did everything right over the years. You were fully invested in your boy and went above and beyond to do right by him.

You made the decision based on the experience and knowledge of experts. You may never know the demons in his head that made him reactive in certain situations and being unpredictable that could have resulted in someone getting seriously injured and condemning him to a sad life.

It hurts to lose a friend especially one you devoted so much love and time to help him. I’m truly sorry for your loss and hope the happier times are the ones you can remember and bring a smile to you as your cherish those moments and not the last ones.

Hugs
Cindy
Andijayne

Registered:
Posts: 5
 #3 
Hi Cindy
Thanks so much for your kind words and and understanding. Not everyone is so understanding. I hope someday I can believe that I made the right decision for him. It hurts so much every day.
Koops Mom!
cosesmom

Registered:
Posts: 322
 #4 
Dearest Koops mom,
As I read your post I can feel your distress in every word and my heart goes out to you. I feel your pain and heart ache. I am so sorry you  ran out of options but as Cindy said, no one knows the demons that were inside his head. If it were possible to talk to them and ask what is wrong we all would have the answers we look for. I wish my beloved Termy could have told why he stopped eating, stopped wagging his tail and lost so much weight so I wouldn't have to guess if it was his time or something I could have fixed but as we know they can't talk so we do what we think is best at the time, right or wrong we do it out of love.
I believe that he kept looking at you and licking your hand was his way of saying he understood why and he wanted you to know he didn't blame you for what you were doing. He knew it was for the love of Koop that you set him free. Be kind to your self, Koop would want you to. Your feeling of "you killed" him is normal, it's all part of grief. I felt for a very long time that I took Termy's life and I had no right but I have since come to terms that it was his time and I did it out of love. I know there are those who don't get it or understand the depth of our love for our babies that we would move heaven and earth to make them better but we can't always fix them. We try, oh God we try but then we have to let them go where they can be healthy and happy, and waiting for us to join them one day. It's been 15 months since I said goodbye to Termy and the tears still fall but I can now recall the journey we shared and smile too. You will get there, someday but let the guilt go it will only over shadow the the good times you shared with Koop.
Give your self time
Love and doggie hugs
Termy's mom

There is a poem posted on a different post about the same thing you went through. It's called "the Gentle One" by Candace. Please look it up it may help. Do a search by Greenpj22 titled Put my best friend to sleep.






Andijayne

Registered:
Posts: 5
 #5 
Hi Termys Mom.

Thank you so much for reaching out to me.  Your words touched me. It helps to hear from others that understand the immense pain and I am sorry about Termy.   I did look up the poem " the gentle ones"  it was like it was written for me. I have had to put down 2 other fur babies as they were old and sick. It was not easy and tore me up.  But this was different. Im having a really hard time rationalizing my decision, but as you said, it was out of love.  My brain says that life in a crate and muzzle when not on an outing with just me was no way for my boy with such a big personality to live, but my Heart says, it was better than no life at all.   I keep trying to remind myself, as another has replied here, that he was sick, mentally sick even though he was strong and vibrant.  As you know its just so hard.  I know he wouldn't want me to be sad and that is no way to honor his life, but i just cant shake off the regret and guilt but it is something im going to strive for.  He deserves that!

Again thank you so much for taking the time to reach out. You made my dark place a little brighter.

Forever Koops Mom!

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