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RottieMaxsmama

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Posts: 2
 #1 
My Max passed away on Tuesday, October 9 at 2:15am or so. I slept downstairs with him that night because he had stopped being able to make the stairs a few days earlier. He had cancer in his spleen and his liver and possibly his lymph nodes too. He was so strong, right up until he passed, always making my life better including passing at home instead of forcing me to make that awful decision. I was devastated when I awoke at 2:30 and found him. There was no question or confusion or reason to check, he was clearly and obviously gone. It was a sight I wish I could un-see. One thing I am grateful for was finding a spectacular funeral director that came and got him at 8am that next morning and explained everything to me from why I saw what I saw and found things the way I did. He explained the cremation so well and answered all my questions.
One thing, though, that no one seems to get is my heartache. I can tell people are thinking, "it's just a dog" or "she has other pets, get over it" but I can't. My relationship with Maxie was that of another son to me, and yet also my best friend and companion. It's a hard relationship to describe to someone who never had a pet or doesn't feel like pets are family.
Every morning since, it's only been 2 so far, I am sad there's no one to say hi to and no one to let out and I look in my now empty rear view mirror and am so heartbroken that he is not in the backseat looking back at me. I cried out his name last night and I got myself so hysterical that one of my cats was meowing too.
Right across from my house, there is a lot where I would take Max for a quick pee or poo when we weren't going to do a walk (for example...bathroom break at 2am) and yesterday, something caught my eye over there. I felt compelled to get out of my car and see what it was. It was a mylar balloon with a purple (my fave color) string and it said (I know this is pretty unbelievable),"MISSING YOU" and had butterflies on it. It was definitely something you would leave at a grave or bring to a wake (weird, yes) I guess, but what else would a balloon like that be for and even more crazy, why would that be by my house just sitting there? I feel like it was a sign from Max letting me know he was ok. What do you think?
cosesmom

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Posts: 322
 #2 
Dear Max's mom,
Yes it was a sign. I too believe if we open our hearts and minds our fur kids will send messages when they feel we need one. I am so sorry that you had to say goodbye to your heart dog and soul mate. As for unseeing your beloved gone, I know how hard that is. Weather we choose to say goodbye at he vets office or we wake up and find them gone it's a vision that is hard to put out of your mind. It will replay over and over for a while. Try to replace it with a good memory every time that image comes up. I know it'll be hard but there will come a day when it will fade. I watched my beloved Termy take his last breath and held his body in my arms because I chose to let him go. That image replayed in my mind for a long time. It was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. He was just over 16 years old and had a very cherished life and lived well. It's been almost 14 months and since that awful day and it has faded. It's still there but replaced with a journey of memories that far out shadow that day. I read a book about messages from our pets in the after life and it said to ask for signs (specific signs) and I asked Termy for feathers and on my walks with his sister I find feathers and thank him for every one. So far to date I have well over 400. Don't let what others say bother you for you had a love of your Max that they wouldn't begin to understand. Grieve as long as you feel the need and cry when your sadness over whelms you. I have no one who understands why I still grieve for Termy so I come here and talk to those who truly understand how deep our pain goes. We are always here to listen.
Love and doggie hugs
Termy's mom





RottieMaxsmama

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Posts: 2
 #3 
Termy's Mom,
I love the feathers idea. I think I really want to read the book you mentioned. I found a grief group and I am going to go. I am still not used to the idea of him not being here and I am still feeling the guilt and anger that I suppose one feels with any passing. I keep questioning my actions and decisions and wondering if he was suffering and I just let him? I feel bad because I don't really want to spend time with my cats, who know something is not right either. It seems like part of my soul is gone. I am going to try and replace the horrible image with a nicer sweeter one. It's just hard still. Your kind words put a band-aid on my heart.
Max's Mama
cosesmom

Registered:
Posts: 322
 #4 
Max's mama,
Please don't beat yourself up. You did the best you could at the time. I know this sounds like an old cliche' but we all second guess ourselves and play the what if and maybe I should have but that is normal. A support group is a good place to be. Being with those who understand and care is monumental in healing of yourself. There are so many stages of grief and guilt and anger are two of them. That is normal also. Your cats will understand. Termy's little sister was pushed aside too when I lost Termy because she wasn't him but I have come to a place and accepted that there will never be another Termy and Darla is her own person and I need to love her for herself. Our bond is getting stronger. Give it time. When you lose your heart dog a part of your soul goes with them as well as a piece of your heart. It's taken me over a year to get to where I am now. I can now talk about Termy without choking up which I never could before. So time will help but you will never be at the same place you were before. You'll just live a normal new.
The book I mentioned is called "Signs from pets in the afterlife" by Lyn Ragan.
Love and doggie hugs
Termy's mom
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