Petloss.com Logo. Puff and Midget under the rainbow



ALL the Pet Loss Message Boards are moderated to make this an ABSOLUTELY SAFE place for you to find support.
You must REGISTER before you can post or reply.
Posts and replies cannot be viewed until after they have been checked for content & released by the Board Moderators. - EdW
Pet Loss Grief Support Message Board
Sign up  |   |   |  Latest Topics
 
 
 


Reply
  Author   Comment   Page 1 of 7      1   2   3   4   Next   »
diwolff

Registered:
Posts: 94
 #1 
We have had many dogs and loved them all, but our Golden, Cassie, was one of a kind.  She left us to cancer two days ago at the age of 9 1/2.  Our vet was so kind to come to our house so she could leave us from a place she loved.  She had a love for squeaky animal soft toys, had about 50 and loved each one.  She loved everyone, and everyone who met her loved her, even non-dog people had to love her.

So, how do you go on?  I cry all of the time, walking around doing nothing and feel totally lost.  She was always by my side and always there for me if I was sad or hurting.  She loved my husband equally.  

I'm trying so hard to focus on the great memories we had with her and I feel that her spirit is around us, but I miss her so much, I can't seem to move on.  I keep hoping I'm living in a bad dream and she will come walking down the hall.

My heart goes out to all who have lost their best friends, I referred to her as part of our family, not a dog or a pet............but our best friend.  She never asked for anything, except to play ball in her yard........she would look at us with those big brown eyes, growling at us to play with her while the tail was going so fast.



cosesmom

Registered:
Posts: 322
 #2 
I truly understand your pain and heart ache. We love them as family and sometimes even more so. They ask nothing of us and return unconditional love. There are some, even though we have loved many that makes a special place in our hearts. I lost a beloved dog (family member) over 18 years ago and thought I would never recover and then enters my sweet Termy who loved and saved me for over 16 years. Losing him was one of the worse heart aches I can remember. I am so sorry that the ugly "C" took her from you. It's not fair to her or the ones who love her. I am not sure how to tell you how to go on. Each and everyone of us has to find our own way to live our "new" normal. Please be assured that her spirit is still surrounding you. She will always be near you in spirit and in your heart. It will take time and each one of us heals at a different speed. I was a total wreck for over 7 months and sobbed all the time. Counseling helped as did getting a spiritual reading in which Termy came through to be. I am a believer after my reading that the spirit lives on to help and guide us. I too, used to look for Termy in all of his favorite places but only my mind saw him. I haven't put anything of his away and it's been over nine months since I let him go. I'm sure that September will be really hard for me but I will do as I've always done and believe he is still here guiding me and loving me. Cassie had you and all the love that a sweet angel such as her deserved. After some time you will remember the whole journey you made and shared with Cassie and though the tears will always come so will the smiles.
Sending you love and comfort and a healing prayer
Love and doggie hugs
Termy's mom
diwolff

Registered:
Posts: 94
 #3 
Thank you so much, Termy's mom

I, too, believe in spirits.  I actually feel her around me.  This morning I woke up out of a sound sleep hearing her bark.  She loved early mornings.  The house still has all of her stuffed animals.  I will probably keep a few around.  Sometimes when I'm crying, all of a sudden I see her little face looking at me with a toy in her mouth, making me smile.  My stomach is still shaking and I am still crying, but I feel some warmth and love from her.  I'm going to check into the spirit stuff some more.  Out of our five dogs, Cassie was truly the "perfect" one....it's so unbelievable how blessed we were to have had her.  I hate that "c", in humans, as well as our furry loved ones.  It's awful, it's painful, it plain sucks.  But I do trust that God has her now and she's happy.

Maybe Termy is helping Cassie get situated in her new place.  You were so blessed to have had him so long.   I pray that you are comforted, too, and that one day you will be with your Termy, too.

Your kind words really do help.  THANK YOU

Cassie's Mom
featheredwolf

Registered:
Posts: 9
 #4 
I remember you from the candle ceremony in the loss of your sweet Cassie.  Sometimes we just have a special connection and bond to a pet, even though we love all of our pets.  I have found that to be true with myself.   It is one day at a time.  You may feel like you are taking a step ahead and then 2 or 3 steps back.  Grief is powerful and I compare it to an ocean and the tides.  I like to think of what my pet would say to me in this time of grief.  I believe they would want us each day to look up at the sky, try to smell a flower, listen to the birds, look at our surroundings like they did in this life, relish in those simple things in their memory.   They know we are hurting.  Please allow yourself to grieve and cry it out as this does help with healing of the heart.  Please know you are not alone in what you are feeling and going through.  We are here for you always. 
diwolff

Registered:
Posts: 94
 #5 
Dear featheredwolf

Thank you for your understanding.  WOW, you summed it up so well.  I believe you are correct about what they would want us to do.  I used to sit outside with Cassie and watch her do those things.  I didn't get it then, I do now.  I didn't get a lot then, now that she's gone, I realize just how much she was literally part of us.  And, yes some days I think, hey I'm doing better, then I start crying.  You are so right about it coming in waves like the ocean and tides.  It was three weeks ago today, and I continue to be so thankful that we did have her for 9 1/2 years.  She was truly a blessing to us.  Sometimes I feel her spirit with me, hard to explain.  Thank you so much for being here!!  I am here for you, too.   How long has it been for you?  I do believe that people who love their dogs as much as we (everyone in this group) have richly been blessed with a love that others don't understand.  Some have asked why I cry so much about Cassie and I didn't for my Mom or Dad.  I can't explain it other than Cassie was with us 24/7 and we needed each other.  

I can't stay up until 10 for the ceremony on Mondays, but will try to be there on the Sunday ones.  Will be away for August, but hopefully here for September.  It was beautiful.  Everyone is so kind.   Thank you, again.  Please note I will be with you all tonight in spirit, but not on the computer, sorry!!!    THANK YOU
doglife

Registered:
Posts: 67
 #6 
Hi Diwolff,
Your dog Cassie sounds like she was such a wonderful , beautiful spirit.   I love Goldens,  they are my 2nd favorite breed.  And 9 1/2 is way too young,  I think anyway.  I am with you on the grieving.  It does come in waves.  Sometimes I think I am starting to heal from the shock of losing my Jada at almost 8, to either a type of Cancer that showed no symptoms or a Cardiac episode, which also had no prior warning signs that we could see.   It is in the quiet moments of the day, either early morning or before bed, when I am not busy, and I see something , it could be the strangest thing, like her ear cleaner bottle and suddenly I am crying oceans of tears because I realize I will never get to see that adorable face again.   I haven't been able to make it to any of the ceremonies on here.   Not really sure what they are?   

But I wanted to let you know that  my sweet Jada noticed everything around her, all of the time too.  She would watch the birds fly overhead, the butterflies, the dragonflies, and just sit outside with a ball in her mouth, always had to have a ball in her mouth and be aware of everything.  I used to love watching her watch everything around her.  She also loved to play fetch. Now when I sit outside and watch everything around me, I think of her, and wish she was still here to enjoy it with me.    It's so unfair that they leave us so soon and so broken hearted, and the void that they leave cannot be filled with anything.   I also feel as if I'm living in a bad dream and that I will wake up and she will be right here, next to me. 

I also sometimes upon waking up, see her face looking at me like she always did, with her toy in her mouth ready to have fun.  Sometimes I think I see her in the distance when I'm on a walk with my other dog,  but it's just my imagination.  I can only hope that all of our dogs are somewhere playing , having fun, and that they can still feel the love that we have for them, because that never dies.
diwolff

Registered:
Posts: 94
 #7 
Hello doglife,

What kind of dog was your Jada and when did she leave you?  She sounds so much like my Cassie.  She, too, had her ball in her mouth in the yard while watching things go by.  Yes, early mornings and evenings are the hardest for me, too.  Cassie loved to have her teeth brushed and have medicine put in her ears, and for a long time when I put eye drops in my eyes, she wanted them too, so I pretended to give her some.  It's like they become part of us.  I, too, believe that love never dies and that they do know we are hurting and are trying to be strong without them.  I am still so amazed at what SHE taught ME and how I didn't "get it" until she was gone.  I feel her sit beside me a lot.  Sometimes at night I wake up hearing her bark to get me up.   It's so hard.  If you can make it to one of the ceremonies, I think they are very nice.  The Sunday afternoon one is only on the second Sunday of each month at 3pm.  I found it to be very comforting and informative.........and to know that so many of us feel the same.  My husband is grieving for her, too, but he seems to be able to accept things better than I do.    I also do believe that all of our dogs are playing, they are healthy and happy, and they are waiting for us.  This is so hard!!  Take care.
stronics

Registered:
Posts: 33
 #8 
I am so sorry to hear of your loss. It is the most painful thing I have ever had to endure when I lost my dearest Cooper in Jan 18. It does get better after awhile but I still have bad days that hurts so much. Every time I do something we used to do together I will feel the loss again. Today I met a woman and we talked about her dog and we  got around to my loss and I lost it talking about him.
I hope your pain lessens and try to remember all the good times,
David
pb313

Registered:
Posts: 105
 #9 
Dear diwollf,
I am so sorry for your loss.
Pb 313 or Raidersmom
Dogsarepeopletoo

Registered:
Posts: 109
 #10 
My first dog as an adult was a free puppy out of the box. Riley was mostly lab with long, long legs and a knot on his head like an Irish setter. That dog had the sweetest disposition of any dog I have known. Just happy happy happy all the time. My little nephew would come over and love on the dog. Riley would be ecstatic and wag his long tail and WHAP WHAP WHAP my poor little nephew in the face and he would cry out of fear, which would upset Riley who would nudge and love on the nephew. I changed vets when he was about 8 and the vet literally did not believe me when I said when he was born. He was puppy-ish and clown-ish until he was 14. He was such an awesome dog.

My next dog was a golden adult rescue. He was such a beauty and a loving, loyal dog to us, but, he was very aggressive to other dogs and snapped at children, so he was a bit of challenge but we loved him to pieces. We wondered what happened in his early years to make him so grumpy at times. If there was ANY water, he immediately plopped down on his chest and smiled. Muddy tire ruts; big mud puddles -- he was there. Oddly he could not swim very well so we had to leash him to swim. It was hilarious -- his front legs would sort of bat at the water; totally ineffective.

Both breeds are awesome -- I understand why you both miss your dogs so.
diwolff

Registered:
Posts: 94
 #11 
Dear Dogsarepeopletoo

Good name and yes, I think dogs are people, too!!

Something must have happened to your golden when he was a pup, as I've never known a golden to be like that.  Poor thing.  I actually had a black lab like that.  We caught the paperboy throwing stones at her and poking her with sticks when she was a puppy, I think that's what started her aggressive behavior to kids mostly.  It was sad.  She was totally loving to us, but didn't really like others.  

Your Riley sounds like a special boy.  You were lucky to have him for so long. We will always have our memories!!!
diwolff

Registered:
Posts: 94
 #12 
Hi David,

I'm so sorry that you lost your Cooper in January.  I know what you mean about things you used to do together and feeling the loss again.  I'm beginning to think that will be for me for quite some time.  Even today I looked at the clock and thought, oh my I forgot to feed Cassie and then, oh right she's not here.  I was a 4:30am riser and she was always happy to get up with me and sit with me until I went to work (before I retired)............my husband isn't a morning person, so I'm feeling it a lot in the mornings.  That was our special time together.  I try to be positive and think of all the good times, but then I find myself crying.   The good times will never be forgotten and I will always miss her so much.  Every time I see a golden, I get tears in my eyes.  Things are just never going to be the same.  

I hope that you find comfort in your memories, too.

take care

Dianne
diwolff

Registered:
Posts: 94
 #13 
Dear Raidersmom,

Thank you for thinking of me.

I'm sorry for your loss, too.  One day at a time!!

Cassie's Mom
Dogsarepeopletoo

Registered:
Posts: 109
 #14 
Diwolf: He was a stray and the shelter folks said it appeared he had been dragged somehow (his toenails were a mess), but his early life was a mystery. They kept him on a stray hold for longer than normal because they were *certain* someone missed him because he was so healthy.

On about day three of life with us, he nosed open the bathroom door when I was getting ready for work. He walked in and jumped right in the empty bathtub and sat down and watched me. He did that almost daily for a year or so. When we went in the back yard, he jumped up on the picnic table and sat down at attention, almost like waiting for -- what? -- grooming maybe? So, that is what we did -- he'd get up there and we would brush him. A woman I know slightly speculated he had been a show dog (he wasn't neutered when we got him).

He really did not like children (even teens); and was very unpredicable with other dogs. Some he liked, some he would fight with a viciousness that was alarming. He had a super loud, vicious sounding bark so I thought him to bark when I whispered "speak!" -- was handy!

After we lost him, my husband said "never again -- I cannot go through the death of a dog again - no more dogs!" So I waited a year before approaching him about another dog -- which is the one we just lost.

Sigh.

Sorry for the long-winded post -- I do go on!
diwolff

Registered:
Posts: 94
 #15 
Dear Dogsarepeopletoo,

I'm sorry for your losses.  Your first boy sounds like he was an amazing companion and loved you very much.  I happy that you were able to get another one, even though it meant another loss.   If we were in better health, we would definitely have another one.  It just isn't in the cards for us, so we will hang on to memories forever.  They say it gets better with time, I pray that is true.

Take care.

Cassie's Mom
Dogsarepeopletoo

Registered:
Posts: 109
 #16 
Diwolf: One thing we have considered is fostering a dog from our local shelter -- some dogs just don't do well in a shelter environments, or are recovering from medical procedures.

The dog we just lost was fostered because of her fears and submissive peeing issues. Her foster "mom" worked helping make her more adoptable. I think it would feel good to pay that back by giving a dog a "leg up" to a chance.

It might be something to consider if a long-term commitment isn't possible.

Joe_L2

Registered:
Posts: 52
 #17 
Diwolff I'm so sorry for your loss. Although mine was a bunny, I can sympathize with you. As I'm writing this I'm crying and can't believe I'll ever get over my loss, too. I don't care about anything else. And the Pet Loss message board was the only place I could find where others are in as much pain as I am.
diwolff

Registered:
Posts: 94
 #18 
Hello Joe L2

It was four weeks ago today for me.  Yes, I'm still crying.  I miss her so much.  I don't think I will ever get over losing her, but I'm trying to hang on to the great memories I had with her.  I cry in the shower every night.  My husband thinks I'm a little over the edge, maybe I am, I don't know.  But yes, it's hard to find others who share this kind of pain.  I don't understand exactly why it hit me this hard.   Please know that you are not alone, there are many of us who struggle when we lose our furry friends.   I've lost other dogs and missed them, but not quite like this one.   I still have her basket in the living room with about 7 of her favorite (out of 50) stuffed squeaky animals she so loved..........never knew why she didn't chew them.  She squeaked them and carried them around from room to room.  Her leash still hangs in the hall.  I have many of her things still here.  I just can't let them all go.   So, yes, I feel your pain and I'm so sorry that you have it!!!  It's awful, it's so hard.........but hang on to the good memories!!

thinking of you
Cassie's Mom
Joe_L2

Registered:
Posts: 52
 #19 
Cassie's Mom… thank you for writing and sharing your loss and expressing your kind thoughtful words. You should cry when you need to cry. I was tearing-up just reading your message about your love for Cassie. And don't let anyone tell you how and when you should grieve. Other than the loss of a close cousin thirty-one years ago by a DUI driver, I never felt the loss as I am feeling right now. Even more so then when my father who was in ill health for years, passed away in '96. I would've never thought that a beautiful little bunny would change my life the way she did. Baby Bunny made me a better, more caring and compassionate person.

I had written so much more, but I didn't want to bombard you with so much of my pain and story. But, leave Cassie's things around and if not, then leave one item out. And overtime bring them back when you feel the time is right for you. I have a lot of reminders, too. I wouldn't wish this emptiness and sadness on anyone. At least for me, I think the only way for me to recover without sinking further and further, is to get another little bunny and share the love Baby Bunny gave to me.

I've also been searching online for a pet bereavement group in my area of CT. Because, I'm sure sharing and crying in front of others who are feeling a similar pain can help.

Thank you for responding. Write me anytime.

Baby Bunny's Big Brother, Joe
diwolff

Registered:
Posts: 94
 #20 
Hello Baby Bunny's Big Brother, Joe,

I understand about the parents, too.  My Dad passed away 3 years ago and my Mom just last February and neither of them got to me like Cassie did.  Maybe because we are total caregivers for our pets 24/7 and they need us as much as we need them?  Everywhere I turn I see things that remind me of her.  I, too, noticed how our furry friends make us better people.  I'm sorry about your bunny, I'm sure she brought you many, many wonderful times.  When you are ready, I'm sure you have a lot of love to give another baby bunny.  I really wish that we could have another dog, but we both have severe back issues and have had hip and knee replacements plus spine and neck surgeries and we just can't give a dog what it would need.  It breaks my heart to know she was our last, but I'm so thankful that we were so blessed with such a good girl, one who was ALWAYS there for us.  When we traveled our son and his wife took her.  They loved her too and she loved to go there, so we never had to worry about her.  I feel her beside me a lot, but it's not the same as hugging her, brushing her, playing ball with her and just plain loving her.  Our house really was HER house.  She had her toys in every single room, constantly moving them around.  She slept with us, it was HER bed, she allowed us to be in it, too.  LOL

Sorry to go on and on, hang in there and hold tight to the memories.........please write me anytime, too...........one day at a time.  Tell me about your bunny, if you can...........

Cassie's Mom
Dianne
Dogsarepeopletoo

Registered:
Posts: 109
 #21 
Cassie's Mom: I am also pondering why the loss of our recent dog has hit me harder than earlier dog losses; I remember being very sad and missing them but nothing like how I feel about Annie. The only thing I can come up with that makes sense is the stages of my life with each dog. With dog #1, I was a young adult and going through so many life changes (marriage, first house, divorce, new job, and on and on). He died at 15; I had a fairly new job; and I suspect my life was so full with other things, that kept me occupied. Dog #2 was sort of my working years; I had a stressful job and I suspect again I had many distractions that helped me deal with the grief. He died at 12-ish.

Both of those dogs were big, goofy, gallumping boys. I loved them; I missed them; but not like Annie.

Annie was a rescue that had a rough start in life; she seemed more vulnernable and was a total velcro dog. For some reason, I felt more connected to her. For the last 9 years of her life, I was retired so we were together 24/7 (well, almost). She was devoted to me in a way the first two weren't. Now I do not have work to distract me; I'm alone a lot so her absence is keenly felt. All my retirement hobbies, I took her along (photography, travel, rockhounding).

Anyway, that is my theory - some combo of the time of her life; the dog's personality; our age. Who knows.

It is interesting you have that same feeing of "why is this one different?"
diwolff

Registered:
Posts: 94
 #22 
Good morning Dogsarepeople too,

Your story is not far from mine.  Our first dog was a St. Bernard when we were young, before kids.  We both worked, so she was alone during the day.  She was closer to my husband than she was to me.  Then when we had our kids, we had three other dogs, two goldens and one black lab.  I, too, was working and distracted when we lost them.  So, our first four dogs were part of our family, but we were raising kids and working, so they were not as close to us as Cassie.  We always said that Cassie was part of us.  We could not even go in the backyard without her.  She just wanted to be by our side.  I understand about them being devoted to us.  When I found out Cassie had cancer, I refused to let her see me upset.  I was upbeat and cheerful around her all of the time, doing whatever she needed from hour to hour.  Then I totally fell apart when she left!

I can't even imagine how it is for you to have lost your Annie.  I have my husband, but he's just not Cassie!!  LOL 

When I'm alone, I find myself talking to her like she's still here.  It helps a little and some part of me believes that she hears me.

Yes, this one was different.............and it seems the same for you, too.  I suspect for a combination of the reasons you mentioned are the same for me.  I hate this feeling and keep trying to focus on all of the good, but it's so hard without her.




Dogsarepeopletoo

Registered:
Posts: 109
 #23 
Diwolf: I also think as we age, we become more aware of how precious life is - both for ourselves, and our loved ones. I think that might enter into it, too. And when the death is sudden, it is a huge tap on the shoulder that life is fragile.

I also think grief renews earlier losses in some wierd way. In some ways that is good; theoretically I know I have come out the other side of profound losses (my parents) and I know eventually I will stop crying at every turn. On the other hand, I think grief compounds in some goofy way. Each loss of a loved one is hard.

When my first dog was euthanized, I asked the vet what to expect because It was my "first." She explained the process and mentioned how fast the end of life comes; and how that is a shock to some people and often every upsetting --- how fast that transition can be from life to death. Obviously, it is upsetting for every reason imaginable but that reason stuck with me.

I think that was very sensitive of you not to let Cassie see you upset. They sure know when we are upset. We only had 48 hours of bad times before Annie's end; I tried really hard not to cry in front of her and be upbeat but it was hard.

Gosh, I miss her. I know you all do, too.

Joe_L2

Registered:
Posts: 52
 #24 
Cassie's Mom, Dianne,

And no need to apologize about sharing. Sorry to read about the passing of your parents. That's difficult enough and sadly now another love.

It's comforting to read that you're feeling the same as I am. Although
yours is a dog and mine a bunny, we shared similar memories and great times. And we were both impacted by a love that no human could ever offer: one of unconditional love. They didn't care if we didn't brush our teeth or which kind of car we drove. And in turn they just wanted to be loved back, which we did in immeasurable amounts.

Sorry for the delay in responding, but I cried a lot before writing. And I know that the void I'm feeling right now can only be filled with passing the love Baby Bunny gave me onto another little bunny. One of my brothers wrote to me expressing his condolences. He said that he understands the loss, too and after the passing of their dog, Molly about two years ago, he, his wife and three teenage kids waited only a month before getting another. For me I feel the same way, I need another bunny in my life soon, too. There's a family one town over that has some bunnies to adopt. I would like to go and at least visit, hold, hug and pet them. I'll probably be crying the entire time.

I noticed that you mentioned that both, you and your husband are unable to get another dog because of multiple surgeries. But, aren't there dogs that are capable of assisting you at home while at the same time having a new family member? I'm sure you've tried. But, I think you still have options. Don't give up.

Baby Bunny was great. I relied on her, more than she relied on me. She passed on last Friday and I don't know how to move on. So, I don't upset myself anymore than I am I'll try to tell you as much about Baby Bunny as I'm able to without crying. She was a runaway domestic rabbit from the home of an abusive husband and father from a neighboring home up the street here in CT. She surprisingly made her home under the back porch of the home I share with an old brother as we watch our elderly mother who has increasing dementia.

This was October of 2011 and I fell in love with Baby Bunny immediately and we were inseparable. She was comfortable staying under the porch and never wanted to go up into the main house above. She had about an 11 foot x 35 foot area of living space. And since she arrived free, I wanted her to live free. She was in charge. My motto was, "Whatever Baby Bunny wants, Baby Bunny gets". So, instead I supplied heat in the winter and cool air and cold water in the summer. I placed plexiglas over the porch lattice to keep out the inclement weather and animals that roamed at night. I also installed video cameras to make sure she was safe or whenever she wanted me. And, she was allowed outside anytime she wanted, with full use of the large yard, day or night, as-long as she had someone watching to keep her safe from mainly cats. She had classical music playing everyday except for Sunday nights, when it was the blues. Back in March, I put in a tv to keep her visually stimulated. I would also read to her even if it was the outside package of her food.

Her diet consisted mainly of carrots, apples, water and a pile of timothy hay. And since she was nocturnal and I didn't want her to be alone during the hours that she was awake, I would lay down a blanket in her house and get my rest while she would roam around me or just cuddle next to me. She was THEE best and I want back that love she gave me back. I told her I would always protect her, even laying down in front of a car for her. But against nature and death, I was helpless. I couldn't protect her from that. She left the same way she arrived, unexpectedly by going into one of the many holes she dug in an unreachable area under the porch and hopefully passed-on without any pain to that Rainbow Bridge. When I first read about the Rainbow Bridge for the first time two nights ago, I cried picturing my little sister playing outside, free of pain and happy. Part of me says that I should try again to retrieve her, but the other says to leave her because that's where nature meant for her to rest.

I miss her so much. And I don't know what to do. I walk around in a daze especially with all of her memories around me inside and outside of the house. With my mother's condition, I'm unable to leave her to get out of the house and go to just the store or gym. When my brother returns home from work, I'll go out then. But, I'll probably be crying the whole time wanting to come back home.

Thanks for reading.

Baby Bunny's Big Brother, Joe
diwolff

Registered:
Posts: 94
 #25 
Good evening Baby Bunny's Big Brother, Joe,

I just finished my crying session in the shower and read your note and started crying again.  I've decided that crying is ok and it's part of the grieving process for me.  

Your Baby Bunny was the luckiest bunny to have had you.  You not only rescued her from a terrible life, but you gave her everything., but especially love.  I'm sure that she felt she was in Heaven on Earth when she found YOU.  She sounds like a very special girl, too.  I know what you mean about wanting HER back.  I feel the same about Cassie.  I want HER back, my head knows that can't happen, but my heart aches for her.   It is so hard to explain to someone who has not felt so close to a furry friend.  I do believe that getting another bunny would be a good thing for you, but it would not be the same, I totally understand.  I would love another dog,  I even look online at rescues, as well as puppies.  I don't exactly know why I'm looking, but in some weird sort of way I find some comfort in just looking at the pictures.  Another thing that so hard to explain.  I'm not totally giving up yet.  But, I keep coming back to our health.  There are stairs we need to go down to go outside, stairs are difficult for us and I'm sure won't get better as we get older.  I have to accept things for what they are.  I'm not so good at that I guess.

You are a very special person to have taken your Baby Bunny and given her so much.  I'm sure that she would have died long ago had it not been for you.  Now she's at the bridge and she's so happy and I know she misses you, too.  Also, you are special for taking care of your Mom.  That's a very difficult thing.

Take comfort in the time that you did have with Baby Bunny and everything you did for her., as well as the love you shared.  Honestly, I can't think of anyone who would have done as much as you did for her.  I, too, believe that Cassie gave me much more than I ever gave to her.  Her unconditional love was amazing.  Her patience and sweetness were so amazing, too.  

I get the part about walking around in a daze, too.  I'm starting to dread taking a shower, I know I will just cry the whole time like tonight.   I guess it's my total alone time and I feel safe and free to cry all I want there.  Don't worry about the crying, we are human and have suffered a very deep loss.  While we had some notice of her cancer, it was so unreal.  I still think it's all unreal.  I hate it.  

I totally believe that Cassie is watching over me and Baby Bunny is watching over you.........even though they are not here in the flesh, their spirits remain part of us, too.

I'm here anytime for you, remember one day at a time, that's about all we can handle!!

Cassie's Mom, Dianne



Riley2018

Registered:
Posts: 55
 #26 
Diwolff,

I am new here, but your Cassie reminds me of my Riley in how she was with her toys.  My Riley loved his toys and at 12 1/2, he still had toys that I got for him when he was a puppy!  He loved to just carry them around and whenever we came home, he would have to run and get a toy in his mouth and we used to try to guess which one he would have in his mouth when we opened the door.  I still have some of his ribbons from scent trials and rally trials on our refrigerator and I have no idea when I will take them down.  The same with leashes and harnesses--they are still hanging there. I do have another dog, but as many of you know, there are those special "heart dogs" and Riley was mine. 

In all honesty, I'm not sure if it was the candle ceremony or just some of the things I read here on pet loss, but I actually don't think I cried today.  This statement from the candle ceremony really seemed to help me: CLOSING: I have sent you on a journey to a land free from pain, not because I did not love you, but because I loved you too much to force you to stay.


I had so much guilt about his last day and I just was haunted by it.  I don't remember if I told him I loved him--I think I was just so in shock at the time.  Well, guess what, I am crying again.  This has been the biggest heartbreak in my life.
Riley2018

Registered:
Posts: 55
 #27 
DiWolff, I have a book called "Heart Dog, Surviving the Loss of Your Canine Soul Mate" and she talks a lot about crying in the shower.  I don't know what it is, but I do it too.  I wonder if it just has something to do with the energy of water.  My husband and I both get some of our best ideas while in the shower or for me even when I'm doing dishes.  And I also tend to cry when I'm doing dishes too.  There just must me something about water.  And also, I believe what many of us feel is that heart dog connection.  It's just a special, special relationship that is different from others.  I feel totally different from my remaining dog--I always have and I feel guilty about that, but my love for Riley was like 1000x more.  They also say sometimes that dogs that are a challenge or troubled in some way often turn out to be heart dogs.  You might want to get that book--it's on Amazon and it was very helpful as well.  It made me feel like I wasn't nuts.  And yes, I have a wonderful, caring, sensitive  husband and I think he also doesn't get what I am feeling.  Although in his defense, Riley was in my life for 4 years before I met my husband and Riley and I went through a lot together before I met my husband.

Everything I read says don't hold back the tears or the crying--that we have to just let it flow.  But I just feel so lost and truth be told, taking care of my remaining dog actually makes me sad too now that I'm only feeding one.  That was one of the first things that really struck me--I had two sets of raised food and water bowls and the afternoon after Riley died, I had to feed my other dog and it was horrible just looking at Riley's empty dish and my other dog eating alone.
Joe_L2

Registered:
Posts: 52
 #28 
Hi Cassie's Mom, Dianne,

Thank you for your compassionate words and thoughts. I am so thankful for a site like this. It may not be a face-to-face bereavement group or a magic pill, but it's very comforting to know it's available when I hit my low points.

You're right, crying is ok. As much as I've been crying and feel somewhat better after, I fear the tears and heavy heart when they approach. Tonight, I did get out of the house for the first time since before last Friday and I didn't breakdown. Sure, it was only twenty minutes, but for me in my state of mind, it seemed like a very small step forward. But, I know if I pass the pet section at Walmart, I'll be a mess.

Thank you, I hope I made Baby Bunny happy, too. That is one thing I don't regret. Before her unexpected arrival in October 2011, if a fortune teller told me that a beautiful little bunny would enter and change my life forever, I would've laughed. And as painful as this emptiness is, I'm grateful for every second we were together.

Cassie sounded like an amazing dog and that you gave her a great life, too. As you said it's difficult to explain the love we have for our furry friends. Before Baby Bunny, I could never understand the love of a furry family member. But after she arrived, I totally got it.

Dianne, do whatever puts you at ease. If looking at online photos of dogs gives you a burst of hope and makes you smile, then do it. We need to do anything to comfort ourselves and to lessen our pain. But eventually, we will have to move forward, even in small steps, for our own sanity.

I'm crying again when I re-read that Cassie and Baby Bunny are watching over us. And The Rainbow Bridge is so difficult to read, too that I'm a mess during and after. But, I'd rather not know that Baby Bunny is missing me. To me, that means she is longing for something that I'm unable to give her. And I don't want her to be in any sort of distress. I'd prefer to be in pain, than her. I want her to be free, healthy and happy, just as she lived.

I'm crying all over again. I think to myself, "Why do I go on here and write while it feels like torture?" I guess it's a way of healing.

Dianne, may you have a restful and peaceful evening.

Thank you for being there.


Baby Bunny's Big Brother, Joe




diwolff

Registered:
Posts: 94
 #29 
Hello Riley's Mom,

I'm rather new to this site, too, so not sure exactly how it all works.

It amazes me how many of us have the same feelings.  Riley does sound a lot like Cassie.  We got a different toy each time we came home, too.  Also, she brought a different one to bed every night.  I have picked up her toys and put some in her basket in the living room and the others in plastic bags for now.  We would laugh when she would put them in a big circle on the living room floor and then lay inside the circle so that she was surrounded by her toys.  People would see that and ask why we did that, when we told them SHE did it, they were amazed.  She seemed to have a spot for each one.

Before Cassie, we had two dogs at one time (only did that once!).  When the first one died (the one I was closest to), I felt guilty for not paying enough attention to the one left.  It seemed so different with just one.  One night I remember looking at her and all of a sudden it hit me that she was missing and grieving for the other dog, too..........maybe even more than we did, as we worked then and they only had each other all day.  I then gave her more attention and love, even though it wasn't the same, it was good.

I will definitely check out that book, thank you.  I got one called Signs from Pets in the Afterlife on Amazon.  It's pretty good.

I also understand the feeling of guilt.  For the three weeks we had Cassie after her diagnosis, I was focused so much on making sure she got her meds, cooking her special food, making sure she went out more (meds made her need to go more) and that she was comfortable and had anything she wanted that I don't recall if I actually told her how much I loved her every day.  It's all kind of a blur and when those feelings of guilt start creeping in, my husband is the first one to remind me that he saw how much I loved Cassie and how much she loved me.  I'm trying to dump any guilt as it just eats away at me.  Cassie even made the end easy for us.  The morning she died she didn't want to eat much and she did go out and play ball and then lay there looking around the yard as she loved to do.  When we came in, she went to a corner in the living room and started heavy, labored breathing.  I could hear fluid.  We called the vet and she came to the house and said that Cassie most likely only would have had a few more hours left and she was starting to suffer more, so the decision as to when was taken away from us, it had to be done then.  

I'm in the one day at a time mode now and try to force myself to do things.

I guess we keep on crying, until it lessens and I'm really ok with that!!

Thank you for your kind words

Cassie's Mom




diwolff

Registered:
Posts: 94
 #30 
Good morning Baby Bunny's Big Brother, Joe,

You were totally wonderful to Baby Bunny.  Seriously, what a lucky bunny!!!  I know what you mean about being thankful for the time you had with her.  I now thank God every day for the blessing of having had Cassie.  I should have been doing it when she was here, I guess I am a little slow on "getting" it!!

I think it was good that you got out.  Try to get out more.   For me, I didn't want to go anywhere after Cassie died.  The week after she died I started going out a little.  To doctor appointments, to the grocery store and just running simple errands.  After a bit, it felt good to get out.  I was generally better when out, but still got teary even getting in the car.  I would talk to her and still do.  Our routines are broken and everything has changed.  We even went out to lunch yesterday and it was nice.  I still think about her and each time I see a dog, any dog, I get a little teary eyed.  

Please don't feel like this is torture...........it's good to share how you felt about Baby Bunny.  She would want you to be happy and tell others about her.  Yes, I believe that Baby Bunny and Cassie are at the Rainbow Bridge and they do miss us, but not in the way we miss them.  I believe they are now free from pain and are happy.  Maybe "miss" isn't the word I'm looking for, but I feel they remember us and are waiting for us to one day be with them.  In the meantime, I feel they do have spirits and do send us messages if we are open to them.  Nothing major, just little things to somewhat ease our pain.

Taking care of your Mom is no doubt a difficult thing and it's keeping you pretty much in the house during the day, as you previously mentioned.  Maybe try to get out a little when your brother comes home each day.  Even if just for 20 mins or so.  Eventually, it will become easier.  Go look at other bunnies, they will never be Baby Bunny, but look at them anyway.....you never know when you may connect with one.

For me, I found I needed to take "baby steps" right after she left.  Seriously, I wanted to stay in bed and cry all day.  I did find that when I forced myself to do things, little things, that I started to feel a little better.  By that I mean that I started to smile during the day when I thought of her.  I would sit outside where we used to sit together and watch things like she used to, I would smile then, too.  

Give yourself time, Joe, it's so fresh and that pain is awful.   I'm so happy that you had her in your life, always hang on to and treasure your memories with her.

I hope that today is a little better for you and that each day that passes you feel more and more of the good things and that you know Baby Bunny is now in a place where we will all go one day and she's waiting there for you.

Have a GOOD day, Joe!!!!

Dianne






Dogsarepeopletoo

Registered:
Posts: 109
 #31 
I also think getting out is a good thing. At first it was really hard for me because we took Annie with us almost everywhere (I'm somewhat glad it is so hot here, as we would not take her when the temps got too high) so going in the car to run simple errands or day trips was hard. When I'm driving, I still glance in the rear view mirror to see what she is going back there.

We went out to dinner with a friend last night and it was nice to focus on something else, enjoy good food, visit. Even going to the grocery store, the library, whatever. I enjoy reading but I notice I cannot seem to concentrate on a book -- my mind drifts to think abut Annie.

I think crying in the shower is safe; even though I do not believe my husband is judging me for crying, I know it makes him feel worse so I try not to cry in front of him. In the shower, no one can see us; no one can hear us. Interesting what I read about crying doing the dishes - yep, me, too.

Dianne, I also am looking online at rescue organizations, puppies, etc. We will likely get another dog some day; but not in the immediate few months but I do find looking at them soothing. I was analyzing my grief. I think 98% of it is missing Annie; 2% is missing ANY dog.

I'm a hobby photographer and like to take photos of abandoned buildings, which can be a bit creepy at times. Even though Annie was not fierce in the LEAST, having her with me made me feel safer; or at least not alone. I stopped at one the other day and it felt so odd to be completely alone -- even though, truly, she would just be watching me from the back seat.

I hope everyone has a better day today -- find joy in a small thing!
Joe_L2

Registered:
Posts: 52
 #32 
Dianne,

Your letter was so beautiful. And because I'm crying so badly right now, I'm going to make it short.

I miss the routine, too. My mother even in her recent state, I would tell the "Baby Bunny's outside" and she would go out and sit and talk to her in the backyard. I think sensing it was another female she'd go over to my mother. But now even thinking about those moments tears at my heart and I can't bare it.

I contacted the family that has the bunnies to adopt, but I haven't heard back.

Otherwise, just like everyone here, I'm hurting so badly.

Joe
diwolff

Registered:
Posts: 94
 #33 
Hello Dogsarepeopletoo,

I'm also having difficulty concentrating on reading, I drift off too much.  My husband really has been very good about letting me grieve the way I need to, but I just feel safer crying when I'm alone.  I don't want him or others to see me and feel sorry for me or think I'm overreacting or anything like that.  I just want to be alone for whatever reason.

It's funny you mention about feeling safe when Annie was with you.  Right after Cassie died I told my husband I didn't feel safe in the house at night anymore.  Cassie always alerted us 24/7 if anyone was near the house, also any animals.  Especially at night when the deer come in the backyard.  She did not like them at all.  I never minded her barking, as I could then see what it was and felt better. 

I've been getting up in the morning and writing down 5 things each day that I am thankful for.  Somehow Cassie is always on that list......even though she's gone, I'm so thankful to have had her.

Yes, I think we are all hurting really bad and it's hard to explain, but there are those of us who do understand.

Peace to us all
diwolff

Registered:
Posts: 94
 #34 
Hi Joe,

I hope that you hear back from the family with the bunnies.  If not, there must be places that you can get one?  Or go visit them?

I still cry, but I do try really hard to smile when I think of her, smile for all the happiness she brought to me, all the love she gave me, all the things she taught me.  I'm sad that those days are over, but I have the memories and no one can ever take those away.  Cling to your good memories, Joe.  Please don't get me wrong, I want her back so bad, so very bad.............but, reality says that can't happen and I must try to be positive and upbeat.  I know that Cassie would not want me to be so sad forever.  I'm sure that Baby Bunny would not want you to be so sad forever either.  But, we all have to do things in our own time and our own way.  Just know that you are definitely NOT alone and whatever works for you is the right thing to do.  There is no specific right or wrong, it's whatever works for us.

So, on that note, I'm going to eat dinner, take a shower (so I can get in a good cry) and watch TV, maybe.

Get some rest, Joe..............I'm sending you positive, happy, kind, vibes....feel them?

take care
Dianne
Joe_L2

Registered:
Posts: 52
 #35 
Hi Dianne,

Thank you. It's the crying and the emptiness that's so strong.

You're right, we have to do whatever we can to feel better.

Again, thank you.

Joe
Dogsarepeopletoo

Registered:
Posts: 109
 #36 
Joe, I hope today is a bit better for you.

Some of the things that help me are small things -- clean sheets; a big bowl of ice cream; a walk; a dumb movie; I bought a little plant. Nothing big but just small things that gave me pleasure. Those little things don't eliminate the pain but I think being good to myself helps a bit.

Have a good evening!
diwolff

Registered:
Posts: 94
 #37 
Hi Joe,

Thinking of you today.   Hoping each day is a little better for you.  I guess it takes a long time.  4 1/2 weeks for me and I'm still crying and can't believe it's so real.  I think about her all of the time.  I do think she would not want me to be in so much pain, but I don't know how to stop it.  Hope you did something for you today, even if just a little walk or going for a little ride.  One thing I do know is that even though it hurts so very bad for me right now, I would not have traded my time with her for anything.   This pain was so worth the years I had with her.  I would do it again in a heartbeat if I could.  Remember all of the good times, Joe.  Never forget.

Have a relaxing and peaceful evening

Dianne
Riley2018

Registered:
Posts: 55
 #38 
Dianne, I think that is a really good thing to remember--that even though your relationship with Cassie ended in heartbreak, that you would do it all over again.

I think that is something to really cling to.  I too wouldn't trade the 12 1/2 fantastic years I had with Riley and I knew that I would face this pain at some point. I knew I would be inconsolable as well--I knew it would be horrible.

In fact I will be going through it again because we do have a puppy on the way.  I knew I would not want to be without one of these dogs, so I was in touch with a breeder even before Riley passed because I knew what was coming--it was inevitable.  I wasn't sure I was ready so soon, but the breeder's dog went into heat and was bred in June, so we are only a week or so away from puppies being born.  One promise I gave to Riley was that I would take everything that he taught me and that I learned from him to be better prepared for the new puppy. Riley and I did have a few challenges, but I was the one that needed to learn.

In the meantime, I still feel lost and don't really know what to do with myself.
Joe_L2

Registered:
Posts: 52
 #39 
Hi Dianne,

Thanks for thinking of me. When I'm hurting I think of you and everyone else who is crying along, too. I didn't get away from the house, but I did at least get outside to work in the yard. But the reminders are outside, too.

Let's hope the darkness doesn't take a long time to clear. We need to heal without going insane.

I agree. As painful as this experience is, I would not change it, too. Baby Bunny changed me. I'm a better person because of her and for the love that she taught me.

You are stronger than me. I'm unable to think of the good times, yet. Maybe in time, but not now. I've been struggling to get out of bed. But, I know I have to.

My brother thinks my idea of getting another bunny will help us all heal. My mother's dementia seems to have gotten worse since last Friday due to the loss and stress. That magical little bunny brought such immeasurable joy our home. But I noticed since, the light of happiness has gone out. I want that joy back in our home.

Have a relaxing and peaceful evening, too.

Joe
Dogsarepeopletoo

Registered:
Posts: 109
 #40 
Riley2018: Do you have any reservations about getting a puppy? I know in my heart that I want another dog which would likely be anther adult rescue like Annie was -- but I question it. What if the next dog doesn't measure up to Annie? Is that fair to a new dog? What if I do not love it as much? Annie was such a good dog -- what if the next dog barks? Or digs? Or pulls on the leash? (These are rhetorical questions -- not expecting you or anyone to answer.)

And then I wonder why I have those doubts. Am I trying to protect myself emotionally from this pain again? Am I overthinking every dang thing? Ha. I feel like I am not being faithful to devoted Annie by even thinking about a dog so soon. But, our house does feel so empty without a dog. Someone else mentioned that they feel less safe without a dog -- I do, too. Annie was not a watchdog by any stretch of the imagination but she did bark if strangers came to the door.

Joe: Did you hear back about the bunny for adoption? It sounds like your mama would love another bunny. As an aside, every time I see my 92 year old father-in-law, he sayes brightly: "do you have another dog yet?" then his face falls a bit when we say that we do not; we will likely wait awhile.

Previous Topic | Next Topic
Print
Reply

Quick Navigation:

Easily create a Forum Website with Website Toolbox.

If you can, please help support this Message Board with a donation:

Do your  shopping through Petloss.com & help support Petloss.com for free!
Click HERE to see how it works.