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Riley2018

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Posts: 55
 #121 
Dogsarepeopletoo, agreed--I think that is definitely a large part of the loss.

I think also part of it is that the relationship we have with our animals is essentially 24/7 and we are closer to our animals than any other human, including spouses if you think about it.  We spend more time cuddling, holding, caressing, kissing and staring into our animals eyes than we do with any other human.  Not to mention that for the most part, the relationship with our pets is almost 100% positive, which isn't something that we typically experience with even the best human relationships.  There is just something special about our relationships with animals that is not duplicated in human relationships, which can explain why many people take the loss of their pet much harder than the loss of a human.

There's just something about caring for them for their whole lives that you wouldn't even have with your own children.  Yes, that day to day thing that takes up so much of our lives and when it's gone, the loss and emptiness is really hard to deal with.  I really miss so much of my life with Riley and I'm feeling it a lot with the changing of the season into fall. I'm finding myself especially depressed and melancholy, even though fall is my favorite season. 
NC1983

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Posts: 12
 #122 
Hi everyone, 

Sorry to intrude on your conversation, but I just found this website, and the name of this thread, "don't know how to go on" is exactly how I feel now, so please allow me to join and share a bit.

I lost my Vanilla, a 11.5 year old Cockalier (Cocker Spaniel and King Charles Cavalier Spaniel mix) last Wednesday (9/19/18).  I've had her since 5/20/2007, when she was only 3 months old.  She started vomiting one day late August after dinner, and refused to eat or drink the next day, so my dad and I took her to the vet.  X-ray showed a large tumor on her spleen.  Subsequent ultrasound showed another tumor in her intestines, and is inoperable.  We did a fine needle aspirate to test the tumors but result was inconclusive.  Doctor suspected it's cancer that started in the spleen (hermangiosarcoma) which then spread to her intestines, and said it was already late stage and she probably had only a few weeks left.  I was planning to take her to see an oncologist specialist for a second opinion (appointment was actually supposed to be tomorrow) once Vanilla regained some strength, since that would have most likely involve biopsy or exploratory surgery.  Vanilla was fine/almost back to her usual self after she came back from the hospital (end of August), and we had 2 blissful weeks together, but on 9/16 she started losing her energy and appetite again, and I felt another lump in her abdomen.  9/17 - 9/18 she just kept getting worse, wasn't in pain but just zero energy, just lied flat on the floor, so I took her to emergency vet hospital the morning of 9/19.  Doctor said her blood pressure was very low, heart rate extremely high but weak, and there was fluid in her abdomen.  Turned out the tumor in her intestines caused her intestine to rupture, and the infected fluid was in her abdomen and she was starting to suffer from sepsis.  Doctor said Vanilla was too weak to survive any emergency surgery, and there was nothing they can do, so I had to make the excruciating decision to put her to sleep and relieve her of any pain and discomfort.  I think, actually I know, that a part of me died with her.      

Vanilla was my world and the best thing in my life, and I'd like to think that I was hers too, because she followed me around everywhere.  She slept next to me, so the last thing before I went to sleep and the first thing I saw in the morning was her sweet face.  She would get soooo excited to see me come home, that she would sometimes pee on herself!  No matter what kind of terrible day I had, as soon as I saw her and ran my hands through her fur, I was at peace.  I used to cradle her to my chest, she would raise her head to lick my face, then fall asleep!  I would sit there for hours, listening to her breathing and snoring, and there was no better place in the world.  Vanilla was a true foodie, and had a highly discerning and sophisticated palate if I may say so.  My greatest hobby was searching for new treats for her.  She would get tired of a treat after a few months (and at any given time she had 5-6 different kinds), and I would get her new ones to try.  Whenever I went on vacation, my #1 task was to shop for local dog treats.  Some of her favorites included soft beef sticks from Germany, freeze dried anchovy wrapped in chicken breast from Austria, and vacuum-packed boiled rabbit and horse meat from Japan (sorry if this is offensive to some of you).   As soon as I arrived at a new city, I would run to the local pet food store.  

I haven't stopped crying since she passed.  I know it's only been a few days, but I can't see how it will get any better.  I miss her with all my being, and I just can't get over the fact that she's gone, and I will never look into her eyes, see her tail wag, or feel her licking again.  I don't know how to move on from here.
diwolff

Registered:
Posts: 94
 #123 
Hello NC1986

I'm so sorry for your loss.  I know that feeling all too well.  I really didn't know how to go on.  It was hard and painful.  Again, I cried when I read your post and it's three months for me.  I'm so happy you did join us, I think it helps to know others feel that pain, that you are not totally alone.

Vanilla sounds like she was a wonderful girl.  She must have loved getting those treats when you came home.  

I still talk to Cassie sometimes like she's still here.  I believe that dogs do have souls and I will be with her again someday.  I don't think I left the house for a week after she died.  My husband then made me go out to the store or for dinner or just to get out.  I still hate coming home, even when I just run to the mailbox.  It's so empty without her.  She was always with me like your Vanilla was with you.  

Give yourself whatever time you need to grieve and however you need to do it.  There is no right or wrong.  Nothing can take away the pain, nothing can replace the loss, I thought that no one understood.  Now I know there are many of us.  The pain is so awful, when I think back on those first few days I didn't even want to be here at all.  

Once Cassie was diagnosed with cancer, we had three wonderful weeks with her before she left us.  They were pretty good quality, even though she couldn't do a lot of things she wanted (like jump up on the bed).  She played ball daily, got lots of love, cooked ground chicken with bone broth and rice.  She loved liver sausage so she got that with her pills and she loved it.  Just before she died she wanted no food, no water, but she lapped up some beer in a small bowl.  That made us smile.  She loved her beer.  (not that she got much of it)  So many things raced through my mind, I was in the taking care of her mode and refused to let myself think she really was going to leave.  She made the decision easy when she came in after playing ball and laid in the living room and could not get up and was breathing so heavily.    I'm thankful that she didn't suffer for months.  

I'm happy that you had 11.5 years with your Vanilla.  I had 9.5 with Cassie and I'm thankful for that when I hear that so many die younger. 

I wish there was a magic potion I could give to you to help, but there isn't anything.  I pray that you will get some comfort knowing that Vanilla is at the bridge now and that she's happy and so healthy and that all of our babies are together.  

Hugs and prayers to you and may you feel comfort, even though the loss is so fresh and so hard.

Cassie's Mom



NC1983

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Posts: 12
 #124 
Cassie's Mom,

Thank you so much for replying back to me so quickly.  Reading your response, as well as other people on these threads is both heartbreaking and comforting at the same time.  Heartbreaking because it's so obvious that we are all going through this pain, comforting because I feel I am not alone (or crazy!) to feel the way I feel.  There are others who understand.  Vanilla was cremated today, and I will go pick up her ashes in a few days.  Over the weekend I stuffed one of my socks (which was one of her favorite toys ha) full of her favorite treats, and put in a lock of my hair and a lock of my dad's hair, and sent it to the crematory.  It will go with Vanilla.  I know I must sound half-crazed now, but somehow this gave me a small sliver of comfort that she will always have her favorite treats, and a piece of me and my dad with her.     
Dogsarepeopletoo

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Posts: 109
 #125 
I am so sorry about Vanilla. The loss of a beloved pet is heartbreakingly difficult.

I so agree about finding it comforting to hear others talk about their feelings though wish none of us had to experience it.

I love your idea of sending a sock filled with goodies with your dog. My feeling about grief is we all muddle through it the best way we can; there are differences for all of us; no right way or wrong way; no duration that is correct. One day we might think "hey, I think I am over the hump!" then two days later we are bawling at a stop light because we miss our dog in the back seat.

Hang in there -- know we all empathize!
diwolff

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Posts: 94
 #126 
Hi NC1983, that is so beautiful.  I know you are right, she will have you with her (along with your Dad and her favorite treats)

My Dad passed away three years ago and wanted the ashes of his dog buried with him.  My Dad was cremated and his dog's ashes were put in the box with him.  I would like that one day with Cassie.  I have her ashes sitting on my dresser.  I wanted to sprinkle some in her favorite places but can't seem to do that yet.  I drove by the vet's office for two weeks before I could bring myself to go in and get her ashes.  

You are definitely NOT crazy.  Yes, there are others who understand.  It's hard to comprehend, but it's true.

Hang in there, may you have some peace and comfort

Cassie's  Mom
diwolff

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Posts: 94
 #127 
Hi Riley's Mom,

You summed up exactly how I feel so well!!!  Yes, 24/7 with unconditional love, you get that nowhere else.  Yes, they become part of everything you do all day, every day...........then to have that ripped away is the most painful thing.  I love the Fall, too......it's not the same this year though.  

One day at a time.

Cassie's Mom
Riley2018

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Posts: 55
 #128 
NC1983,

When my Riley passed, I wanted all of his very favorite toys to go with him, so he was cremated with about 5 or 6 fairly large toys.  There are a couple of pristine toys that I saved and will just keep forever.

I'm sorry you are going through this horrible time.  There is really no other way to put it other than it is the most horrible pain and yes, when you come on here reading other people's stories, it is truly so heartbreaking.  But those first few days and even weeks are just so so hard--it's really hard to do anything but sob.  I think those of us here on this site had very special relationships with our dogs or pets.  Maybe there are other people who just don't feel that way--even other people we may know who have had dogs.  My own mother didn't even seem to understand the depth of my pain.  My husband also is not going through what I am going through.  So, just know that you may find people who just don't get it, but the people here do.  The people here have lost a part of themselves with their dogs or cats or bunnies, like you said.  We all have said it too, that a part of us died and I think that is also part of the grief--knowing that you will never ever be the same again.  Will we all live through this?  Yeah, we will, somehow, but we will just never be the same.

My Riley was my first dog as an adult and he was my "heart dog."  When you've lost a soul mate like that, you will be changed from the loss and in a way, knowing that, you just go with it and it's a strange sort of comfort just accepting that fact.  You will one way or the other figure out a way to go on, little by little.  And grief comes in waves.  You may be fine for a little bit and then something triggers it again.  

Just be gentle with yourself and just cry and sob as much as you feel you need to.  Somewhere in this thread I recommended some books that were very helpful to me.  I also ended up talking to a counselor a couple of times.  It's been just a little over 4 months for me and yes the raw grief and shock has "softened," but as I sit here at my computer staring at a picture of my Riley, it's still hard to believe he is gone from my life.
NC1983

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Posts: 12
 #129 
Cassie's Mom, Riley's Mom, and dogsarepeopletoo,

Thank you all so much for your comforting words.  Today is the 1 week anniversary of Vanilla's passing.  I am back at work, at least my body is, but mentally I am not here.  All I can think of is Vanilla.  Whenever I close my eyes I see the way she tilted her face towards me and wagged her tail right before the doctor administered the shots.  She loved me until the end.  God I am bawling now just typing this.  I don't think I will ever have that type of unconditional love in my life ever again.  
diwolff

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Posts: 94
 #130 
Good morning  NC1983

You are so right about the unconditional love.  We humans sure could learn a lot from that!!  Unfortunately, we don't.  Our furry friends can give and give and give.  

One week is hard, very hard.  So many people just don't understand, they can't understand.  It sounds like you had 11 1/2 wonderful years with her, nothing can take that away from you.  Your memories are precious and only you can truly appreciate them.  I do believe that Vanilla is watching over you now.   Do what helps to grieve and never doubt yourself on that.  

Thinking of you, sending you lots of hugs and peaceful wishes.

take care
Cassie's Mom


Mondo

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Posts: 975
 #131 
Hello,

 My loss is much longer ago.  February 19, 2014.  Like most of you I knew it would be hard, but had no idea how hard.  I had lost my parents in the two previous years, and grieved them deeply.

  But losing Tuffy, my heart dog was soul crushing.  I went to the doctor a couple of weeks later as I was getting worse and worse.   Ended up on anti-depressants for a couple of years, saw a counselor a couple of times. The meds helped a lot. This forum was life saving.  

  Things do get better in time.  But it can take a long time. The first year for me was full of tears, so many "firsts".  Then 11 months after Tuffy passed Toby passed away.  We didn't have the same connection but after 14 years we did have a very strong connect, he just wasn't my heart dog.

  I am here to say things will slowly get better.  My feeling is that if I got through it you all can.  Maybe we all think the same, that we are the worst cases ever.  My guilt was in the deep grief I had for Tuffy -- that he was harder than my parents, my hardest loss ever.  It seemed wrong, but as I read above, the conclusions fit.  24/7.  Unconditional love, instant forgiveness.  A chapter of life that was amazing.  A chapter I would like to live over and over, even knowing how it ends.  Our fur kids are worth it.  Great love brings great grief.  As my doctor told me back then, "be glad that you are capable of such deep feeling, deep love and deep grief".  

Hugs
Tuffy, Toby, Ellie and Missy's Dad
diwolff

Registered:
Posts: 94
 #132 
Hello Mondo,

I'm so sorry for your losses.  I know how hard it is.  I lost my first soul mate dog about 14 years ago, at which time we had another dog also.  When our second dog passed, it was hard, but not as deeply painful as my first soulmate dog.  I thought I would never feel that way about another dog, until our last one (Cassie), who was born on the same day as my first soulmate dog.  It was very ironic.  We have had five dogs and I've loved them all, but Holly (first soulmate) and Cassie (most recent) almost destroyed me.  

The "firsts", as you say are awful.  For the first year, I know already it's hitting me hard each day, the first day of Fall without her, each first holiday without her, it's so hard.  I lost both my parents in a 2 1/2 year span ....and yes, losing Cassie hit me much deeper than the loss of my parents.  

You didn't say if you have another dog?  When I think about the pain, I think I can't do it again, then I think about the unconditional love and I want that again.............so hard to know what to do. so hard.....

Thanks for sharing your story, it really does help to know that others have felt or still feel that awful pain.

Have a great day

Cassie's Mom


Mondo

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Posts: 975
 #133 
Hi Cassie's Mom,

  I wasn't really ready (not sure we ever are), but 2 months after Toby passed away we adopted a couple of rescues.  I had been following some rescues, not really going to adopt.  Then my wife started following and wanted to go to some meet and greets.  Our first was uneventful.  The second one I had my eye on Missy already via Facebook.  Then there was Ellie there as well.  So timid, I thought very boring.  My wife spent a lot of time with her and her foster, to my annoyance.  lol.  

  When we were leaving I asked my wife what she was thinking.  She said "Missy".  To which I agreed.  "and Ellie", to which I agreed with a little hesitation.  She was to be my wife's dog as she was fearful of men, and I was to leave her alone for the first week or so until she came to me.  I work from home ..

  The girls did not live together, Ellie was about 1 year old and Missy 8 months. The next Wednesday they both came to live with us.  It took about 3 days for Ellie to choose me and Missy to choose my wife.

  4 years later I now have a Heart Girl name Ellie.    I won't really know until she is gone .. which I hope is 10 years from now or more (she's 4).

  She's a real character and has come out of her shell more and more.  Her foster is now a facebook friend and I give her updates on occasion.  She really loves Ellie too.  Of course I love Missy as well, but it was the same with Tuffy and Toby. Tuffy just engaged me more, chose me as his buddy and that seems to be how it works.  lol.

Hugs,
Tuffy, Toby, Ellie and Missy's Dad
NC1983

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Posts: 12
 #134 
Mondo, your story of how you and your wife found Ellie and Missy warmed my heart and brought tears to my eyes. Dogs truly choose us, and those of us who are chosen by these angels are blessed. I just lost my soulmate dog Vanilla a week ago, so right now I can’t fathom ever experiencing that kind of unconditional love, devotion and connection again, but your story gives me hope that maybe someday another furry angel will choose me and come into my life.
Mondo

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 #135 
Hi Cassie's Mom,

 I sure didn't have hope for a long time.  Even after we adopted the girls, it was so confusing.  I was still crying most days with Toby's recent loss, which brought back so many emotions from Tuffy which really hadn't been that long either -- but also laughing at the girls.  I was happy and grieving.  It took a few months to form the attachments, where with the boys it was instant.  Probably due to the grief, felt kind of disloyal, but then it also occurred to us that the boys would want us to be happy, and had a part in the girls finding us.  

  I totally get what you mean.  We spend a decade plus with our furry family members, the attachment grows and so does the communication.  Where looks are understood.  Where we each know what the other is thinking at times.  Unspoken language.  

  I am so sorry for your loss.  A week is so raw.  In those days it was all about getting through the next hour, much less day.  And as I wrote, that didn't got too well.   

  Hope is a wonderful thing.

Hugs!
Dogsarepeopletoo

Registered:
Posts: 109
 #136 
Mondo, your story gives me hope as well. Our dog loss was in June and while we expect to adopt another adult dog in the coming months, I find myself balking -- I cannot put my finger on why. I think part is feeling disloyal to our dog's memory; and intellectually I know that is somewhat foolish but my heart tells me otherwise.

In November, we had three senior pets (two cats and a dog). In ten months, they have all passed away. Our house feels sooo odd; I have not been without a pet since I was in college (which is far too many years ago to even mention). I miss them all so much, especially our dog.

Thanks for your story -- hope is indeed good.
NC1983

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Posts: 12
 #137 
Hi Mondo, 

I think your last message may have been meant for me (I lost my dog, Vanilla, a week ago).  You are absolutely right, 1 week is so so raw, I am at a total loss.  I hope to be able to one day find another dog to experience that kind of love again, but right now I can only feel darkness.


diwolff

Registered:
Posts: 94
 #138 
Hello everyone,

OMG, yes, a week is still so very raw.  For me, it felt like someone carved a hole in my heart and blood was gushing out, I felt so weak and frail and empty.  The pain was indescribable and part of me wanted to die with her.  Now, after three months and two days (but who is counting), I feel the gushing has stopped, but I still feel raw and hurting.  I still talk to her, feel her presence and cry.  I hate it.  I still see that picture of her death in the living room.  But then, I think of all the good times and how she would just stare at me sometimes like she was trying to tell me something.  I guess I wasn't listening.

I'm so happy for you, Mondo, to have found another to love.  Your story is heartwarming.

We have had dogs almost our entire married lives (49 years), so we are both hating not having one.  We have thought of adopting a dog, getting a puppy, not having anything, we are all over the place.  We are seriously considering getting a pup and having it kept with the breeder for training until 8 months of age.  We know it's expensive, but we both are thinking the same.  We know she would not be Cassie, but something is telling me that Cassie would want us to have one more to love.  We found a White Golden Retriever breeder who does this and there are some pups due to be born around Oct. 19th.  I'm hoping this will happen.  We would then get her in June.......leaving us without one for a year.  Honestly, I thought we would grow to like the freedom of not having a dog to be responsible for, but then I realized my freedom WAS having one to love and take care of and I want that again.

At first when we were thinking of this, I wasn't sure, feeling guilty and betrayal to Cassie.  Then, out of the blue one day I saw Cassie in a dream and she was standing over a little White Golden pup.  I knew then that we needed to do this and it would be ok.

I hope for all of us who have lost our furry best friends, that we are able to somehow find another to love.  Knowing it will never be the same, but it will be different.  

Mondo, when your doc said ""be glad that you are capable of such deep feeling, deep love and deep grief" what a great thing to say.  For without love, what do we have?  Deep love does spur deep grief, but if we have faith, we know that one day we WILL be with them again.  I have to believe that to get thru each day.  I have a candle by my bed that goes on each night for 6 hours, it's for Cassie.   I still have her things around.  I did put away her bowls and most of her toys.  I guess I just want her back.  Knowing that can't happen, I focus on little things to keep busy.

Group hugs to all

Cassie's Mom


Riley2018

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Posts: 55
 #139 
Wow Cassie's mom--what a dream!!!  I would say that Cassie definitely is watching over you and saying it's okay to get a pup.
Mondo

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 #140 
When I first came here and the weeks after my idea was to go through grief, seen many people avoid it and that just doesn't work.  When my Dad passed away and I was in dark times I had a friend suggest to think of these as 'visits'. That when I was most grieved, is when my loved one was closest.  That helped me with my Dad, Mom, Tuffy and Toby.  Loss is a part of life, and as we get older the chances of loss increase .. it's just time.  

Today I took Ellie and Missy to the groomer.  Went for a short walk too, they are exhausted from the groomer.  Tiny girls, 12 and 14 pounds (the boys were 17 and 23).  The girls are rescues, having been in high kill shelters they didn't have long.  Missy was an 8 month old stray.  Ellie was a 1 year old owner surrender for biting.  Tied up in a yard day and night.  She couldn't run.  She hated humans, or maybe more accurate feared them.  

My boys were easy going, Tuffy was assertive but chill. Toby loved people, but was afraid of all other dogs regardless of size. Walking them was uneventful.  We avoided large dogs just because.  With the girls I keep all other dogs at a distance, and they still react quite often.  Give them treats and create more space. With people I can get them to sit and look at me, and will be rewarded.  But even after this Ellie will pursue and Missy will bark.  Our first weeks of walking the dogs was a nightmare.  Now we manage.  But as many say "it's not the same".   :-)   We learned so much with the boys and the girls are blessed by those experiences.  I talk softly to them almost always, even on walks when trying to get their attention.  I've learned that they respond better to calm and direct.  No need to shout .. probably makes it worse.


Tuffy was black, a tibetan spaniel.  Eternal puppy.  Loved playing, walking and would suck up a belly rub now and again.  Ellie is a white malti-poo, didn't know how to play.  She would tug a bit on a rope.  Now she chases toys, and wrestles with Missy and will hand fight with me and engage.  A total lap dog unlike any other.  Yeah, she's got a piece of my heart.  

Tuffy.  He took a piece of my heart with him.  But he also left a piece of his, and our hearts are intermingled.  I still feel Tuffy and Toby with me.  I put their dog tags on my keychain that I have for when I walk the girls. There is a bridge over a small lake around here that the boys and I often walked. The girls have some different paths, but we do that one weekly as well. Out come the tags as I cross the bridge where there ashes were scattered, hold it to my heart and smile as a tear drops down my face.  Love.  It never dies.

Sorry for going on so long.  I miss my boys every day and always will.  My wife and I still mention them several times a week, and maybe more.  They are gone but cherished, much less forgotten.  We have a picture of them in our landing, with words:  "Dogs aren't our whole lives but they make our lives whole."  My wife gave that to me as a gift.  A highly cherished gift.  

Hugs.


NC1983

Registered:
Posts: 12
 #141 
Mondo,
What a beautiful way to think about it - that even though our babies took a piece of our hearts (so true!!!) but they also left us a piece of theirs. I got so much comfort reading this. Thank you!
Next Wednesday 10/3 is my birthday, but it will also be the 2 week anniversary of Vanilla’s passing. I always got a few pieces of dog cakes (pup-cake) for her whenever someone in the family had their birthday, but next week all I will have is my memories of my sweet Vanilla.
diwolff

Registered:
Posts: 94
 #142 
Good morning,

NC1983, my birthday is 10/2.............do you think Libras are more sensitive?  LOL  So we celebrate our birthdays next week and I'm sure we will both be thinking of our fur babies.  It will be sad, I'm sure.

Mondo, you are a true inspiration, to adopt not one, but two!?!?!  That is not an easy thing to do, and what you said "Dogs aren't our whole lives but they make our lives whole."  really hit home.  I guess that's why I feel so empty now.

Riley's Mom, yes, I do feel that Cassie is watching over me...........I feel that Riley is watching over you, too.  Just because they are not physically here doesn't mean that they aren't still part of us somehow.  Our guardian angels now.

Everyone, have a great weekend.

Cassie's Mom
NC1983

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Posts: 12
 #143 
The nights are the hardest. Ever since my sweet Vanilla passed on 9/19 (it both feels like an eternity ago and like it was yesterday), I haven’t been able to fall asleep without tossing and turning for hours (and crying). These last few days I have stopped crying myself to sleep (my eyelids are most appreciative of this), but my mind is nevertheless unable to slow down. I’m writing this at 1:50am now because I don’t know what else to do. This is torture.
Dogsarepeopletoo

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Posts: 109
 #144 
NC — nights are difficult; I truly feel things loom larger in my mind when I cannot sleep. My friend calls it “making crazy” when our minds won’t let go of a single sad or bad situation or we worry about many random things (plastic in the ocean! homeless cats! was that a termite in the garage?). I empathize with your late night struggles. As a lifelong insomniac, my only advice is to watch something light on tv; read something boring and light.

Joe_L2

Registered:
Posts: 52
 #145 
Hi Dianne, Riley's Mom and to the others who have expressed concern and shared comforting words. Sometimes I don't have the strength to read all of the messages that are linked to "Don't Know How to Go On". So, I apologize if I don't respond directly.

I do hope everyone is doing well or the best as you can.

Dianne, my mother's dementia actually seems to be stabilizing. It may be attributed to the Aricept that she was prescribed about six weeks ago. She hasn't had a hallucination in a few weeks and she seems to have more energy. Thanks for asking.

I'm very depressed and miss Baby Bunny more than ever.

Next to my computer, I still have the monitor on broadcasting the scene from the security camera that I still have turned on in her house. Even her nightlight is still on. I can't bare to turn off either one of them.

I am reconsidering getting a bunny and I'm sure it'll help with my mother's focus. But, I just don't feel it's the right time for me.

Dianne, how's your back?


Joe


diwolff

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Posts: 94
 #146 
Good to hear from you Joe. My back is hanging in there thanks for asking. You get used to knowing what u can and can’t do.

Sounds like the new meds may be just what your mom needed. That’s good news!!

Nothing at all wrong with leaving baby bunnies light on or anything else you are doing.

You will know when u r ready to look at another bunny. Not to replace Baby Bunny. You can’t replace her but maybe another one would bring you some happiness and joy. For your mom too.

I can’t let go of Cassie. I have a dyson animal vacuum. It is full of Cassie’s hair and I can’t seem to empty it yet. I’m using another vacuum now. It’s sad. We all struggle and it’s so painful

Praying for you Joe and for all of us

Dianne
Joe_L2

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Posts: 52
 #147 
Hi Dianne,

Keep Cassie's fur. If you want to, transfer it from the vacuum to a container, but don't get rid of it. I've had a small amount of Baby Bunny's fur in a plastic bottle for a few years now and I'm glad that I kept it.

Recently, I thought that if I had the funds and the correct DNA, possibly from her fur, I'd consider cloning her. Initially it sounds strange, but it would be like her identical twin from the same litter.

I was really inconsolable when I wrote early Monday morning, so I appreciate your messages.


Joe
Riley2018

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Posts: 55
 #148 
That's not strange Joe--I actually had that thought about the fur I kept from Riley.
NC1983

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 #149 
Joe, funny you say that. I actually just went through the DNA preservation process (with an eye towards eventual cloning) yesterday. After Vanilla was diagnosed with cancer in late August, I ordered a DNA kit from this company called Viagen who specializes in DNA preservation and cloning. Then on 9/19 when I took Vanilla to the emergency room because she wasn’t doing well, I must have at the back of my mind knew that she may not be coming home, so I brought the kit with me. Then when the doctor told me there was nothing they could do, and that I should let Vanilla go to sleep, I asked the doctor to take the tissue samples (4 samples from specified locations on her body per the instructions) from from Vanilla before administering the shots, as the chances of success are higher if tissues are taken from a live animal. I then shipped the tissue samples overnight to the company, and actually just got news last night that the DNA extraction was successful! I of course bawled my eyes out with relief when I heard that because I was afraid that if they weren’t going to be able to get the cells successfully I had no second chance, since Vanilla had already been cremated (and in any case, body is only viable for tissue extraction up to 5 days after death. Vanilla’s DNA is now being cytogeneticly preserved and I have the option to start the cloning whenever I choose. I plan to do that in a few years when the technology becomes even more mature.

Cassie’s mom - happy birthday today! I hope you can enjoy the day with relative peace and only good memories of Cassie.
Dogsarepeopletoo

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Posts: 109
 #150 
Yep, I suspect all of us have had that cloning thought at some point. Intellectually, I know Annie#2 wouldn't have the same personality, but emotionally I would love to have an identical clone.
Riley2018

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 #151 
I've been having some difficult days again.  It's been just about a year since I found out that something wasn't right with Riley.  We were at a Rally Obedience trial on Oct 8th and he just wasn't acting like himself.  I thought maybe he was just getting older or just having a bad day.  I remember coming home from the rally trial quite depressed and sad.  Then about a week later, he would not bark to come in and I thought that was really odd because this was a very vocal dog.  Maybe several days or so later, my husband looked in his throat and saw something that he did not see in my other dog's throat.  Then we made an appointment at the vet, culminating in a sedation appointment on our anniversary, Oct 27th when we found out that he had a mass in his abdomen and possibly one in his chest, plus the mass in his throat.  I can still feel it, that horrifying, shocking, heart wrenching news that my beloved, beautiful heart dog--who I tried so hard to protect from that horrible disease--more than likely had cancer. 

It's so weird--such a twirling storm of emotions, since the new puppy will be coming on the 22nd of October.  So it will be a weird thing to have such a happy memory mixed with such a horrible memory.  Plus the fact that our anniversary is on the 27th.  I've been crying a lot more lately--I can't really seem to stop it--mostly in the mornings and during the day.  I guess that is just how life is though.  Happy memories mixed with sad ones sometimes during the same time of the year.  I suppose people who have lost love ones on holidays will always be faced with that.

My husband said to me yesterday that when puppy comes I won't have as much time to cry.  I'm glad he just lets me cry and I just can't stop it sometimes.  I hope he's right and I'm sure he is, but it's hard to know what it will be like until we open that crate door at the airport and bring the puppy home and start that new chapter.  Even that though, the new chapter, as much as I'm looking forward to it, I never wanted the chapter with Riley to end, but it has and it's still killing me. 

We are, however, thinking of including Riley's name for the new puppy's registered paper name.  Highland Glenn Riley's Heir we are thinking and after my husband told me about the idea, I wasn't sure at first, but the more I thought about it, the more I liked it.  The new puppy is Riley's heir.  He will inherit everything I learned from Riley and he will inherit many of his things.  It's a perfect name, although the puppy will have a different call name, I loved the idea.  It makes me cry, but it is absolutely true that the new puppy will definitely be Riley's heir. 

I watched this video and sobbed through it and now I can't get the music out of my head.  I'm sharing it though because it's a really good video.  It's called The Journey--not to be confused with The Journey story that is read during the candle ceremony.  This was made by Susan Garrett, who is an agility trainer from Canada.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TfXGD4hP1Ro&t=188s

Riley's mom
Joe_L2

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Posts: 52
 #152 
NC1983, Riley's Mom and Dogsarepeopletoo,

Some people are adverse to technology especially when it comes to cloning, So, I'm surprised that you three were thinking the same.

• NC1983, I'm glad that out of a traumatic event you took such an amazing step towards creating an identical twin of Vanilla. Some months back, I read that Barbra Streisand cloned one of her dogs and it cost $50k. But from what I recently read is that the cost should drop to half sometime soon. I'm glad for you!

• Riley's Mom… it sounds like a time of mixed emotions transitioning from Riley to his heir. But, at the very least, he has the same lineage which ties him to the past. I'm sure the 22nd can't get here soon enough to start new memories. That's great!

• Dianne… I hope you had a Happy Birthday or at least the best you can. Mine is next week and I won't be acknowledging it with the way I've been feeling.


Joe
Dogsarepeopletoo

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Posts: 109
 #153 

Riley's Mom:  I thought of you today and your new pup ["new pup" sounds wrong -- like new tires, or a new dishwasher but hopefully you know what I mean]. 

I haven't said anything here but since we lost Annie, we also lost our cat in September.  Awful.  So today, I loaded up the case of prescription cat food, and two bags of prescription cat food and went to our humane society to donate it all.  Of course, I could NOT stand it and went in and looked at the dogs.  Gosh, it was such a selection of misfits and I was immediately drawn to one -- she was so shy and I was determined to get her to wag her tail and approach me.  

Anyway, I felt such conflicting emotions -- mostly excitement at the possibly of getting another dog in the future; but smallers doses of fear that the next dog might not measure up to Annie; and guilt -- like I was being disloyal to Annie. 

The timing is not right so I said goodbye to Cute Dog but I had a flash of excitement at the possibility of getting another dog. 

Small steps! 

Dogsarepeopletoo

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Posts: 109
 #154 

PS:  Having two pets die in such a short time period left me sobbing in the vet's office twice in just a couple months.  One light moment was telling the vet and tech both times how ghastly their tissues are!  Thin, rough --- really poor quality.  And I went through a LOT of it in their office.  The vet (not the owner of the clinic) smiled and said "you are lucky you haven't had to use the toilet tissue!"  So yesterday we were at Costco and I bought a big assortment of Kleenex which I delivered to them today and said "in memory of Annie and Jack!"  They were so appreciative and chuckled that I thought so little of their tissue.  :-)

It was nice to have a light moment at their office after so many recent sad ones.

Riley2018

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Posts: 55
 #155 
Joe,

Actually, the puppy isn't related to Riley--meaning Riley isn't in the puppy's lines.  We are calling him Riley's heir because he will inherit everything I learned from Riley and many of his things.  Same breed though we're not 100% positive of Riley's true breed since he was from a stray litter.
Riley2018

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Posts: 55
 #156 
Dogsarepeopletoo,

Oh, I'm so sorry that you lost your cat.  And I looked further up in the posts and I see you are now totally without any pets.  That's too sad to bear.  I'm sure you will get another dog--could just be one hasn't totally grabbed you yet.

I don't know why we have these feelings of not being loyal to our pets who have died.  I did for a little bit too.  And I had been talking to breeders even before Riley passed (not in the same room as he was in though).  But I just knew I would want another.  I wasn't totally expecting the puppy to come this fast, but that's how it worked out.  I was expecting maybe in January or February maybe, but the breeder bred her dog in June and here we are.

I do feel like our dogs, cats or other pets would not want us to be sad forever.  And maybe you would be disloyal if you totally forgot about Annie or something, but of course you won't ever forget her and you will more than likely keep reminders of her around forever.  I just think the right dog will come--just like when you met Annie, right?
scott

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Posts: 10
 #157 
On monday my 10 yr old cat suddenly dropped over sitting beside me. I rushed him to the vet who is 2 blocks away but he was gone.My wife was nervous when she asked me about getting a kitten for my stepsons 15th birthday because I never really cared for cats. It wasnt too long till Guy won me over and he basically became my cat. We found a stray a few months later and after trying to find the owner we kept him also.Our 4 kids have moved on and these 2 have become our kids.The other cat keeps to himself mostly but Guy was with me constantly. I had to retire as a firefighter 3 years ago due to getting hurt at a fire.So being home a lot he was always by my side. I knew I  would struggle when he went but not like this. I feel what all of you are going through and thanks for sharing. Scott
Dogsarepeopletoo

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Posts: 109
 #158 
Scott: I am so sorry about your kitty -- I think the level of grief we feel does come with a bit of surprise. I remember thinking "I knew it would be hard, but not THIS hard." I also think being retired and home more adds an additional bond with our pets. When I retired, I continued to work for our office on the side from home. I joked that my coworkers were now my dog and David Letterman. Their death really leaves a hole in our hearts as well as our homes. Keep the good memories close in the days ahead.

Riley's Mom: It is so peculiar not having any pets. Even though our pets were all quiet, the house feels so much quieter. I just sat down with my morning coffee; I peeked over the ottoman to mark sure the cat or dog wasn't sleeping there before I shoved the ottoman away with my feet. I am still careful to shut the screen door on our slider when I go outdoors so the cat doesn't get out. I still make sure the hall bathroom door is shut tight at all times so the cat doesn't go in and eat the plant. It's a big change.
scott

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Posts: 10
 #159 
Thanks for the words. Pets don't care if we are fat,skinny,ugly or beautiful. What car we drive or how much we make. They just give us unconditional love which I had never experienced till 10 yrs ago. I feel so bad for everyone on here. I really wish I could take your pain away. You are all special people by sharing your losses and I know this has helped me. Thanks for reading Scott
Dogsarepeopletoo

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Posts: 109
 #160 
Scott: Good point -- Annie did not care that my thighs are chubby; my closet is a mess; I never balance my checkbook. And I loved her no matter what; she was so darn sensitive that in the rare moment she was naughty, it just took one drawn out "Annnieeeee" for her to duck her head in shame.

Pets really do add a lot to our lives; no wonder we miss them so fiercely.
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