Registered: 1542599167 Posts: 1
It has been a week today since my chihuahua Angelous has left this world. He was 15 1/2 and was diagnosed with an enlarged heart, collapsing trachea, and a leaky valve in his heart in 2012. I had planned on doing his euthanasia peacefully at home. Last Saturday, he started to whimper and I couldn't get his coughing under control, so I took him to the emergency vet at 3am. They were able to calm his coughing with oxygen therapy and a sedative, but he was maxed on his meds. They wanted to keep him for 15 hours on oxygen, but he would be alone and I couldn't leave him, so I took him home. The next day, he did not improve. His coughing was slightly better, but his whimpering continued. I do not regret the decision to end his suffering, but I am wracked with horrible guilt about the euthanasia process. They had to stick him 3 times to get the IV placed, and he was screaming in pain, or fright, I'm not sure... It was traumatic and awful... And I don't know how to forgive myself. I don't know if he knew I was there, or if he thought it was me hurting him. I feel like it was my job to protect him, and I betrayed him and let him down. Please help me find peace. Has anyone experienced this?
Registered: 1498611382 Posts: 322
I am so sorry that you haven't received any replies to your post. I feel bad that you didn't get any support before. What you feeling is normal. The guilt is the first to surface. I do not believe Angelous was screaming in pain only fear. It was a strange place and a strange person and he was afraid. He doesn't blame you, because you did this out of love. He knew his time was short and he was okay with this. You did protect him and loved him to the very end. You didn't betray him or let him down. You let him go so that he didn't suffer anymore. He was telling you that ir was time to let go. I can read the love in every word you wrote. I replayed Termy's final moments for a very long time and I can now recall more good memories that those last few of his life. Be kind to yourself. Remember the journey that you shared with Angelous not just the last minuets. You will get better in time. Cry when you feel like it but try to let the guilt go.
Love and doggie hugs Termy's mom
Registered: 1543552032 Posts: 2
I'm sorry you had such a difficult experience. The euthanasia experience with my little dog was emotionally traumatic too. I can't talk about it because it would be too much to relive now and my story wouldn't help you. It's been a few years for me, and time will heal your sorrow too. You won't remember those last moments and you'll just be smiling at the thought of your Angelous. I promise. I know it's hard for you now. I registered with this forum just to respond to your post. I think it's too hard for people who are grieving already to read a traumatic story, so it is up to those of us who have gone through it and come out the other side to respond. Keep coming to the forum and talking to others. It will help you to talk to others who understand as you move through the stages of grieving. I also went to counseling, two sessions, but it didn't help much. I finally reached out to a pet psychic for a phone consultation with my little one where I could ask any question I wanted. I started by asking what color was your favorite blanket and what was your favorite food? Then I got down to what do you remember about our last day together, and do you have a special message for me... what do I need to know? I think that's what finally turned it around for me. Angelous is fine now, close by and wanting you to know he's okay and he loves you. :-) Take extra care of yourself now. Drink water and nourish yourself with healthy foods, and most of all forgive yourself. If you can, don't spend too much time going over what happened and trying to analyze it. You'll have to let that go and come to peace with it. Angelous will come to you in your dreams and give you signs during the day that he is near. You'll get through this. Hugs.
Registered: 1190479349 Posts: 41
I've been a moderator on these boards for a number of years now, and I can tell you that a guilt trip, usually a very bad one, virtually always follows the euthanizing of a beloved pet. Try not to beat yourself up too much. It will take time to work through this, but passing time does help. You did the best you could for Angelous and I am sure he knows this and loves you as you do him.