Registered: 1554122061 Posts: 3
Does anyone else feel this way? Like you were sure your heart would stop, or you'd go insane, or simply cease to exist after losing them?
Leading up to any loss, I've always had physical symptoms, usually pain or pressure in my chest--or recently, when my puppy was hospitalized and going downhill, I temporarily lost my vision. Then when it's official, and they're gone, I feel like the wind's been knocked out of me, and a strange, pained wailing I didn't even know I was capable of escapes my throat. I think I'll die I'm in so much unbelievable pain. But I don't. I keep moving through life, slower and foggier than usual. I don't sleep well, I toss and turn, I alternate between waking up soaked in sweat, or shivering. I have no interest in food. It's exhausting to take care of myself, but I somehow barely manage. I go out into the world completely numb. I wonder how I'm still walking around in a reality where they no longer exist. Death, to me, just seems so unnatural. You don't get used to it. Each one feels just as hard or harder than the last, and each one reopens those old wounds that never ever manage to heal.
Registered: 1554858646 Posts: 11
Yes. I feel very much that way. I walk around in a fog and I watch people keep living their normal lives wondering how they can be so happy. I just want to scream "Don't you know what I'm going through? Don't you know how I feel?". But no, of course they don't. This is MY loss to deal with. And it's excruciating right now. I'm finding it hard to leave the house, but I know I have to. The instant I walk out the door I feel lost, lonely, vulnerable. But the idea of going back home, of walking through that front door and not hearing her amazing, happy "YAY you're home" bark is killing me, too. It feels like there's no safe and happy place to exist anymore. The grief and guilt is overwhelming. It just hits me like a wave and I instantly feel weak, sick and like I can't breathe. Everywhere I look, something reminds me of her and the wave hits me all over again... like a ton of bricks burying me alive. I want SO badly for this to just stop. I don't want to feel sad, scared and alone. :(
Grief is a cold, unrelenting pain in the ass. It's brutal and unforgiving. But it is the price that we pay for love. The greater the love, the greater the grief. And really, is there any love greater than the one you share with your furry soul mate? I have two other dogs, and I love them dearly. But my bond was with my Mia. Our connection was so obvious and so amazing. And because of that, the grief is immeasurable. I wish I had words to make you feel better. I wish there was something that could be said that would just wrap you in comfort and warmth. But the truth is that it's something we all have to walk through, feel, and let time heal for us. There's no escaping the process, no matter how much you want to. All we can do is keep trying and sharing and leaning on the people that understand. I know it's easier said than done.
Registered: 1554733404 Posts: 9
Yes life feels so odd. You wonder how can you continue to go to work and hang out with friends and family when you have such a void in your heart. Just know that you’re not alone. We are all here because we need that extra support and to know we’re not alone in our grief.
Registered: 1529423348 Posts: 95
What you have written so accurately mirrors my experience when I lost my cat Karma. The visceral pain from the loss, the fear and panic I felt as I wondered if I would survive the experience. And to have it happen day after day for months on end. Like you, a me I didn't recognise emitted groans, moans, sobs and cusses... I also screamed for help and shouted out my despair to my empty room and the universe.. Death happens all the time, but like you said, the unnaturalness of it really struck home when my cat passed. Life itself seems strange, like we are all in some strange futile play. But on the flip side, the experience also taught me about a pure love for another being...