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MyLittleOneIsGone

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Posts: 33
 #1 
My sweet little 6 year old dog was tragically taken from me and I am having a hard time letting go of guilt. I feel partly responsible for his passing. I forgot to cancel a dental cleaning for him. I didn't want it in the first place. It was with a different vet, not his regular vet who he was comfortable with close to 6 years. I neglected to follow my intuition and lost track. I was busy, preoccupied, distracted. I let him down. I overlooked him.  He should have been first on my list. I failed him.

There was some kind of error they made. There's evidence they did a lot of things wrong. Why did I let him go there?  I can't let go of the guilt.  It was not his vet he knew since a pup. I am crying everyday. It's hard for me to understand.  He was taken so young and healthy. I am missing him so much. The loss is overwhelming. I wish he was here. He was a little dog, very healthy. He was full of energy with so much love to give. I always thought he'd live till old age.  I took him for granted.

I want to tell him I am so very sorry. I didn't mean for him to be harmed. I would never want that. I love him.
Mother_of_gliders1

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Posts: 14
 #2 
I'm sorry to hear of the passing of your little one. You've come to the right place. We've all loved and lost friends here. I say this not to diminish your grief, but to let you know you are not alone. Each loss is unique just as each of our little one are. Fur or feathers, scales or shell. We love them. We love them for who they are, and who they accept us as. So when we loose one of these precious souls, we grieve. (yes I believe they have souls, when I was a child, a friend's mother tried to tell me they didn't; even at 12 I knew that wasn't true. I just couldn't figure out how a grownup didn't know that)

MyLittleOneIsGone

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Posts: 33
 #3 
I have so many regrets. I'm dealing with guilt on top of my sorrow. There was nothing wrong with my dog. He went to a new vet and never came home. I knew I should have stayed with his first vet who knew him since a pup. Such a wrong decision. I have to live with. I've been crying ever since. He deserved to be here. This was routine dental and there were so many warning signs to not let him go to this place that I neglected to see.They did something wrong or didn't do something right so I am told by professionals looking at the notes, which are missing a lot of important information. I don't know why I ever let him go there. It was on my mind to cancel the appt and I didn't get around to it and next thing my husband is dropping him off and I was somehow distracted, not thinking, and he is gone now.  I am struggling to understand how I could have allowed this. I had doubts about the procedure, worried about anesthesia and that my dog would be frightened. I can't change it. That's what hurts so much. 
Mother_of_gliders1

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Posts: 14
 #4 
Oh my heart goes out to you. This was a professional, someone you should have been able to trust. From your post it sounds like there is some sort of investigation. Hopefully that means this won't happen to another. Though that isn't much comfort I know when your missing your companion. I have exotic pets so appropriate vet care is difficult to find. I've had experiences with an emergency vet that in my opinion led to the loss of a family of sugar gliders. I can handle, even appreciate a vet that readily admits they don't know much about exotics, but is willing to try. I'd rather they did that than, put up a front that they are knowledgeable about my pet and make a mistake that causes the ultimate tragedy. Mistakes can and do happen, in pet and human care. The difficult part is figuring out mistake vs neglect. I hope in the near future there will be an answer for you.
JackieTeller

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Posts: 159
 #5 
Hello to MyLittleOneIsGone, 

You are in the right place.  Please remember that you had NO WAY of knowing that this was going to happen.  It is not your fault.  You were doing what you thought was best for your little dog and tragically, through no fault of your own, he is at the Rainbow Bridge.

My JRT, Rosie, passed 11 months ago from heart failure.  Yes, she had lived a good, long life and was at least 16 or 17 but my count (I got her as a stray) but it's never long enough.  I've been told God puts these little creatures in our lives to teach us unconditional love and when their job is done, God calls them home.  I too, took my sweet, sweet Rosie to the same vet for 10 years.  She had a heart murmur and in her final year, I must have taken her there 6 or 7 times saying, "SOMETHING IS NOT RIGHT."  The vet "blew me off" and after picking her up from there the final time, I had one day to spend with her and ended up taking her to the emergency vet at 5:30 the next day where she crossed to the Rainbow Bridge.  I was angry at the vet and subsequently do not take my other furbabies there anymore but I too suffered from guilt.

Please know that you are not alone in your grief.  

Love and Hugs, 
Jackie in Seattle, mama to Angel Rosie, LuLu, KitKat and Blossom
MyLittleOneIsGone

Registered:
Posts: 33
 #6 
Thank you for you kind thoughts. I'm having a tough time. It's been the worst experience in my life. I wish I could finish my complaint letter soon. It's almost done. If the state takes on the investigation and it's in my favor, I may have some closure. Until then I am struggling. I cry everyday. I see the loss in his 2 brothers' eyes. It is so wrong that he is not here. He was so young and full of energy and his life was taken from him. I miss him tremendously. I feel a piece of me was ripped off. I don't understand how this happened. I wish I focused more on that appt and did my usual, worry about it and cancel. I can't help but feel so much regret as my tears flow. I hope he didn't pass away in pain or fear.
MyLittleOneIsGone

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Posts: 33
 #7 
It's been a long couple of months for me. I don't get much done. I'm crying. I'm regretting. I'm wondering why him?  Did I do something bad for this happen? Why to him?  Why didn't I get any signs to prevent this which was the simplest thing to do, just say NO, he's not coming in.  Did I subconsciously neglect my dog because I was to involved in my own selfish things at home. I didn't pay much attention to him?  I don't how my health is going to hold up. I'm still not eating well. No appetite. I'm stuck in hole that's too hard to climb out of. How much longer am I going to feel this bad?  I have no support system. Dealing with this on my own, alone. My husband avoids anything about this. Is it guilt? Does he feel bad? He doesn't say. I feel like dying sometimes, but I have 2 others to care for. 
Mother_of_gliders1

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Posts: 14
 #8 
As Jackie said this isn't your fault, or your husbands. It's possible he too is feeling guilt for driving him to the vet. But there is no way either of you could have known this would happen. It is natural in hindsight to see signs and warnings, but we can't see the future. I also don't think "No" is an easy word to say. Your 2 other babies need the both of you. Take comfort in their comfort and love.
JackieTeller

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Posts: 159
 #9 
Hi MLOIG,

We all have our regrets over what we could and could not have done for our furbabies.  You have a support system here.  You will just drive yourself crazy with all the what if's.  Please be gentle with yourself and give it some time.  As for closure, when my sweet Rosie died a piece of my heart went with her.  After almost a year, that is still gone.  I am learning to live a new "normal" with my other three furchildren.  

I had never written a bad review about my vet on Yelp.  Yet I did for Rosie.  It didn't really bring any closure.  They never even responded.  Please try to find some sunshine in today.

Your friend, 
Jackie in Seattle
MyLittleOneIsGone

Registered:
Posts: 33
 #10 
Thank you Jackie and Mother of gliders1.
I'm still beside myself. i am so ashamed of myself that I never put the kibosh to that dental idea. I never wanted it. What happened to me?  I wasn't thinking. The last day I could have kept him home. I didn't have a contract there. There was no obligation. I don't know why I didn't think. I had a lot of time beforehand to cancel. I'm very bitter against my husband because he was so insistent about this and the appt would have never been made if he didn't insist the day we were at that vet. I said I would call them when I got home which I really wasn't going to do. I feel so sick about this. I'm grieving everyday. I know it was something that was preventable. I didn't know for sure what would happen because I'm not a psychic, but I did have a really bad feeling about it and I told my husband I didn't like the idea. He said they needed it to keep them healthy. I didn't want it and I ignored my intuition. I did nothing.  I feel horrible. So horrible. I barely talk to my husband. He knows why. He knows it's because he was too insistent. Without that appt it would have never happened!  I almost hate him because of this. I have no support system, no family, no friends. I am early retired. My husband doesn't talk about it. I'm basically alone. He works a lot and I am alone most of the time. I'm trying to keep busy, but I'm not motivated. I haven't done any of the things I used to. I was productive at home, cooking and baking, etc. Everyday I was doing something.  It's gone. Part of me was taken away. I am in such a dark hole. If i didn't have 2 other dogs to care for, it would be the end of me. They are the only reason I am here. I failed my dog and I don't see a way out of this guilt or grief. I can't live without him. He was the pack leader. The affectionate one. The one who followed me all around the house because he liked being close to us. He was the best friend of his blood brother and his other brother. I wish it was my time to go. I would trade my life to have him come back.
JackieTeller

Registered:
Posts: 159
 #11 
Hello MLOIG, 

I invite you to join another thread on this site under Miss B.  There are five of us who have all experienced the loss you have.  

I can understand you're wanting to blame someone but it isn't helping you feel any better.  For whatever reason, God called your little one home.  It was a tragic accident but that's what it was...an accident.  Your little dog would not want you to blame yourself so much.  Please feel free to visit Miss B's thread.  

Your friend in Seattle, 
Jackie

MyLittleOneIsGone

Registered:
Posts: 33
 #12 

It all seems unreal. I look for him here all the time as if this isn't really happening. I don't understand how he goes to a vet who is supposedly in business almost 30 years, and he's there for a short while and doesn't come back alive. Just like that. His life snuffed out. The more I read about anxiety, stress and fear in dogs, I am more convinced now that is what happened. I think his anxiety was so bad his sugar went up, his blood pressure went up, his heart was off the charts and I think that's why they said he went into cardiac, but lied about the real reason. To think if this is really what happened that means this vet kept my dog hostage in his frail condition while he continued to do what he wanted never alerting me. Never calling to tell me it's better to take him home than to stress him out more. If I find out this is the reason, I will sue him for everything I can get. My letter to him will be far from friendly. I can't believe a professional can't do a routine procedure correctly, that''s if he was doing it. Maybe he wasn't even there or barely there. Maybe it was one of his "representatives", "servants", and "agents" as he describes in his release. Who was really treating my dog? Who was the one that screwed up and took my dog's life away? I can't believe he's gone just like that. Such incompetence of that office. Irresponsible. My life is so different, it's not the same. We are all changed here because of someone's negligence. 

I've never cried so much in my life. I think for me if he was my only dog I wouldn't be reminded of him every time I see his brothers. It doesn't seem right without him. I can't forgive myself for putting him in an environment where he probably felt abandoned. We did abandon him. We sent him there knowing he was fearful. That vet knew that, too, and never discussed a plan with me to calm him before going. I feel deceived. I never got an explanation of the procedure. There are not steps documented. There is no anesthesia record or vitals noted anywhere. What did they do to my dog? 

 

MyLittleOneIsGone

Registered:
Posts: 33
 #13 
It's over 4 months. I'm still in bewilderment how and why this happened. Trust in a professional is not guaranteed as I have found out in a gut-wrenching way. I miss my little guy. He was the pack leader. Even I was his follower. It's painful to know he's in a box. I can't open the closet where he is. His collar is still in an envelope. I haven't moved it. I can't bear to look at it. I'm still hurting. I feel like I'm in a trance, floating, and I'm not grounded. I just hope he didn't die anxious or in fear.
__________________________

I miss you Parker. It's been tough for me. I find it hard to understand why and how this happened.  I think about you all the time. You were always the leader. You were my leader.  I hope you are happy where you are. I want you to know that I am missing you. Rest in peace my little one.


To My Dear Little Parker,

Would you know my name

If I saw you in heaven?
Would it be the same
If I saw you in heaven?
I must be strong and carry on

Would you hold my hand
If I saw you in heaven?
Would you help me stand
If I saw you in heaven?
I'll find my way through night and day

Time can bring you down, time can bend your knees
Time can break your heart, have you begging please, begging please

Beyond the door there's peace I'm sure
And I know there'll be no more tears in heaven

I love you and I miss you,
Mom


(some verses omitted) Songwriters: Eric Patrick Clapton / Will Jennings
MyLittleOneIsGone

Registered:
Posts: 33
 #14 
My Dear Little Parker, my baby,

I want you to be happy wherever you are.  I'm thinking of you everyday. I miss seeing you at the top of the stairs staring down at me, waiting to be by my side. I miss seeing you running down the stairs on 3 legs with one of your back legs up in the air. I could never figure out how you and your brother did that. 

Every morning I think I'm going to see you jumping out from under your blanket. Then I remember you are not here.  I try to go through the day being strong. When it's time to eat I think I'm going to see you jumping up to bite your brother's ear and his leg doing your crazy thing as usual. Then I don't see you here. When I take your brothers out I think you will be running up to me, the first one to be ready to go. I don't see you there. At night when I tuck in your brothers and kiss them goodnight I go to look for you to give you a kiss, too.  You are not there.  The the sadness sets in each and every time I think I will see you and you are not there.

Your absence is very noticeable at home. You were always the leader. First to be ready for everything. I never had to call you and wait for you. You were always there like a soldier saluting his captain. You were always there when I needed comfort. You would give me your little loving kisses and if you could I know you would have wrapped your little arms around me. Instead I would wrap my arms around you and hug you, my little boy. 

I wish you could have talked. Then we could have had a discussion about your visit to that place and you probably would have said to me, "Please Mom, I don't want to go. I'm afraid. I'm scared. Please don't let me go there. Please Mom." I would have listened and you would have saved your own life. You would be your own hero. I wish I was your hero. I'm sorry I let you down. I didn't hear your voice. Maybe you were telling me and I didn't know. I should have been your voice. I was supposed to protect you. It hurts me that I feel I failed you. 

I want you here where you belong. You belong with your best friends, your brothers. I let them take you away from them. All I ever wanted was to take care of you the best I could so you could live a long life. You deserved to live your life. You loved living. Everything made you happy. You didn't ask for much. You gave more than you asked for. I wish I could see and hold you again. I miss you so much. I'm sorry. 

I love you,
Mom
MyLittleOneIsGone

Registered:
Posts: 33
 #15 
I've been asked if my dog had not gone that day and lived, but still passed away anyway, wouldn't the outcome be the same?  My answer is no. I had control over this situation and I neglected to follow my intuition and overlooked the reason I didn't want this in the first place. I had control of this. I only had to say NO and keep my dog home. Let's say he stayed home, he definitely would not have died this way, at the hands of a vet for a "routine" procedure. He would have been home with me, and maybe still home now. I would not be bitter with my husband for insisting on the idea and I would not be going through so much guilt and sadness because I overlooked my intuition. If I listened better to my intuition he would be here and I believe now, too. 

Let's say I kept him from going and he was home, but he got sick and something suddenly happened to him to cause him to pass away. I would be grieving and extremely upset. If he got suddenly sick from something I didn't cause and could not prevent, and there was nothing I could do about it. I would not be upset with my husband and myself, not feeling guilty. I would only feel guilty if he had symptoms that I overlooked and didn't take seriously and did not have him examined and it ultimately caused him to pass away. In that case, yes, I would feel the same I do now. 

No, I can't predict the future, but I am certain that keeping him home that day he would not have died there and on that day. Things would have gone on just the way there were without interruptions of grief and guilt. I truly believe until this day he would still be here. He was young, only 6, and healthy. That procedure was voluntary, not necessary. I had choices. I had doubts and I overlooked them. That's what I go through everyday. Why did I ignore my intuition. From the start I was against it. I failed somewhere. I believe sometimes we do have choices and we take the wrong path. There are things that are beyond our control and those are the things we can't prevent.  This procedure was elective and 100% preventable. Did I think my dog would pass away during a routine procedure. Yes, I was very worried he would be petrified and maybe scared to death. I think that played a role in his passing. I will never know. I do know that I only had to say one word, NO and my dog would be alive.

I believe there are some things we can control and for some reason we mess up. That's what I did. I messed up really bad. Very hard to forgive myself. I had choices and opportunities. I was very busy during those holidays. I think I got distracted and lost sight of something that was very, very important to me. I worried about the whole procedure. I failed my dog.

I want him here. I want to cuddle him and see his cute little face gazing at me. He was a wonderful, easy-going dog. He was extremely lovable to all of us, that includes his 2 brothers. He loved grooming them. He was a strong leader and showed me how a little dog like him could have so much to give. I am still immensely heartbroken. I had him since he was a puppy. He was young. He didn't deserve to have his life taken from him. He was meant to be here to keep all of us loved and safe. He was a protector. It's hard for me to get back to my routine. He was part of my routine.  I'm not sure about the afterlife or Rainbow Bridge. None of us know for sure. I hope I see him again. I don't know. I may never see him again. That also hurts. I miss my little Parker.  It' hard to accept he's in a box. How do you understand  and accept that?
KatKat

Registered:
Posts: 101
 #16 
I'm so sorry, it is hard to accept when a pet dies so tragically.  I hope through this forum that you are able to find some comfort my sharing your pain and knowing that others that have lost a beloved pet understanding how broken your heart is.
MyLittleOneIsGone

Registered:
Posts: 33
 #17 
To my little guy who always made me very happy,

Parker, you were the light and sunshine in this house. You were the comedian who made me laugh all the time.  You are irreplaceable.  I was one of the happiest foster failures when I fostered you and your brother after you were both neutered.  I couldn't let the two of you go.  I couldn't have someone else adopt you.  I loved both of you since the night you first came here and I still love you both.  I had 6 years with a loving, crazy character -- you.  It was not enough time.  You were taken from me too soon.  I always feel guilty because I didn't keep you home as I wanted from the start.  I didn't follow my intuition.  Your mom was so busy and selfishly I overlooked you and you went there.  I don't how I can make it up to you, except to take good care of your brothers.  I know how much you loved them and were their best friend.  I tell them everyday that I'm sorry about their brother.  I break down and cry.  It's when I take them out and I am missing you being there.  

I know you're a dog and don't read.  If there's any way you can understand my letters to you wherever you are, please give me a sign. I don't know what's on the other side or if there is another side when we pass.  I hope there is and that I will see you again and hold you while you give your little kisses to me as you always did.  I'm not that young. I could go at any time. I truly hope there is a place in the afterlife where we can be together again and then it will be forever.  I won't let you go.


I miss you my little buddy.  My little leader and my hero.  

I love you forever and ever,
Mom
xxxxoooo
KatKat

Registered:
Posts: 101
 #18 
I'm so sorry for you and sweet Parker.  Losing a pet leaves such an emptiness in our heart and soul.   I've always said that my heaven includes the pets I've lost so that I could surround myself with them, they brought so much joy to me in life and having them with me once again is so important to me.  I hope that in time you are able to get through the day without pain, able to see the joy that he brought to you without tears.  
MyLittleOneIsGone

Registered:
Posts: 33
 #19 
I saw the clip of Keanu Reeves on the Late Show when Stephen Colbert asked Keanu, "What happens after we die?"
 
Keanu emotionally answered, "I know the ones who love us will miss us."
 
That statement applies to all of us here grieving for our best friends on this forum. We all loved and still love our fur babies and we miss them immensely..
 
There is not a day that goes by in almost 5 months that I don't miss Parker, My Little Peanut.  I cry everyday because I greatly miss him.  I hope someday I can be together with him and his 2 brothers who are with me now.
______________
Parker, I love you and I miss you
KatKat

Registered:
Posts: 101
 #20 
I know deep in my heart that Parker knows how much you miss him


MyLittleOneIsGone

Registered:
Posts: 33
 #21 
I am so broken. Parker's 2 brothers lost a great friend and brother. I lost a great friend. I am still so heartbroken over this. I can't even look at his pictures or videos. It's too soon for me. I will break down. I need to watch over his brothers. I don't want anything happen to either of them for a very, very long time. Anything sooner will push me over the edge. I am crying everyday. I miss him so much. It don't understand why this happened. Sometimes I think I did something bad and I was punished. I couldn't understand why. Now I am worried about his brothers. I can't take them for granted anymore. I used to think my dogs would be here until old age. I was completely devastated when Parker passed away. I lost 17 lbs in 3 months. I've gained back a few pounds, but the grief is still here. Grief has been my middle name. I feel like these verses from a Bee Gees' song:

. . . I can still feel the breeze
That rustles through the trees
And misty memories of days gone by

We could never see tomorrow
But no one said a word about the sorrow
How can you mend a broken heart?

. . . Please help me mend my broken heart
And let me live again

I LOVE YOU PARKER. MOM WILL NEVER FORGET YOU AND I WILL NEVER STOP LOVING YOU.
KatKat

Registered:
Posts: 101
 #22 
I can't bring myself to look at pictures or videos.  Too painful.  I've even thought about deleting them all together but then I'm afraid later I will regret it.  I've lost 5 pounds in 1 week, I force myself to eat a few bites but it doesn't go down very easy.  I'm glad you have Parker's brothers to provide some comfort throughout all of this.

Grief never ends …
But it changes.
It’s a passage,
Not a place to stay.

Grief is not a sign of weakness,
Nor a lack of faith …

It is the price of love.”

Anon.

“Those we love don’t go away,
They walk beside us every day.
Unseen, unheard, but always near,
So loved, so missed, so very dear.”

Anon.


MyLittleOneIsGone

Registered:
Posts: 33
 #23 
My Little Parker,

Today was another hard day without you.  Mom couldn't get it together.  I cried most of the day.  I keep thinking how unfair this was to you.  I know you would have never wanted to go there if you could speak. I should have been your voice.  I wish I could turn back time.  

Please give me a sign in a dream or something. I need a message from you that you are not disappointed in me.  I keep your brothers close to me. I watch over them, but not as good as you did.  I saved your favorite squeaky toys.  I will make sure they stay the way you left them.  I am so sorry.  Please come to me in a dream.  I need you to show me you are not mad at me. 

I love you so much it's hard to sleep sometimes because I think of you.  I wish you were here with us.  It's so unfair what happened to you.  I need to know you are okay wherever you are.

Please be happy as you always were. Such a happy little boy.  I keep hoping this is just a bad dream. I need a good dream, one with you in it. I want to see you happy.

Mom thinks of you everyday. It's not hard to think of you.  I miss your craziness and unique personality.  You cannot be replaced.  Please baby, let me know how you are. I'm missing you.

I LOVE YOU FOREVER AND EVER,

MOM
XXXXOOOO
MyLittleOneIsGone

Registered:
Posts: 33
 #24 
Dear Parker,

I am thinking of you and missing you again today.  I feel so alone. I wish I could hold you again. Mom is trying to stay strong for your brothers. I don't to upset them if they see me cry. 

I wish we never went to that place. I know if you spoke you would tell me you didn't want to go. You would have begged to stay home. I'm sort at odds with your dad because he was the one to insist on going to that new vet and getting this done. I never wanted it. 

I want you to know that I'm sorry.  I'm really sorry.  I know there's a time and a place. I don't think it was your time. You were only 6 and healthy.  We played God and put you in a bad situation.  It's my fault for not stepping in and being your voice. 

I am so sorry.  I love you.  I am always thinking of you.  It's been rough this week.  I am still crying and it's almost 5 months.  I can't accept it. It's wrong. It's all wrong. You were meant to be here, to live your life, I would take perfect care of you.  Please don't think I failed you.  I didn't mean it.  I never meant for you to be harmed.

I love you forever and ever and ever,

Mom
xxxxoooo
KatKat

Registered:
Posts: 101
 #25 
Hi dear Parker's mom, you loved him so much and it's understandable in your grief that you want to blame yourself, can't accept it.  You didn't fail Parker, it is just an awful outcome that couldn't be predicted.   We trust those in positions where they are supposed to know what they are doing and do everything they can to prevent a medical error.  You had no idea that this would happen, it's not your fault.  Parker loved you, our pets don't judge us.  He knows you didn't want this to happen to him, he knows you love and miss him.  I'm so sorry for all of your pain.
MyLittleOneIsGone

Registered:
Posts: 33
 #26 
I am so lost and heartbroken.  Such a routine procedure!  How could this happen?  I've read other posts where dogs had medical problems and still came out of dental cleaning with no problem. How did this incompetent and negligent vet do this to my dog?  He should have sent him home when he recognized how frightened he was instead of writing it in the note only for me to see when I picked up my dog in a plastic bag!

I am seeing a grief counselor, but when I'm home it's not good. Too many memories. I am on the outs with my husband because he wanted this done by that vet!  I try to keep the peace. It's too hard on me. My dog is in a box in a closet.  He was 6 and healthy!  

I am dealing with so much guilt and pain. This is the hardest thing I've ever experienced due to the circumstances. 

I hope my other 2 dogs, his brothers Porter and Leroy, can give me the strength I need.  Parker loved all of us more than anything in this world. He didn't ask for much. Just a few more years I would have been happy. His breed has a long life span. I protect and care for these dogs like they are my children. They are the children I never had. 

I think about Parker all day.  There is no sunshine without him.

I miss you so much Parker. I love you. I want you to know I am sorry. 

Mom
  
MyLittleOneIsGone

Registered:
Posts: 33
 #27 
I wonder sometimes if I am being punished.  I keep asking and thinking what I did wrong.  I don't know because I don't remember hurting anyone's feelings or anything bad. I try to be nice to people. I hold the door, say hello, I'm not pushy.  I know so many other people who have done bad things to hurt their loved ones and they seem to about their way with everything in their favor. Am I wrong to think like that?  

I don't know why this had to happen to a little dog who I believe spent his last moments in fright and panic and I have to try to get rid of those thoughts.  I do believe that's what happened at this evil vet's place. I didn't call him evil before this so why did this happen?  That vet specifically made sure he wrote in big letters "fractious" on the notes the day of this dental cleaning. 

Was my dog so scared he was in fight or flight mode?  Was he panicking and gave them a hard time because was doing what animal would do in a strange place with people he didn't know?  That's so normal. Why would this vet leave the rest of the notes barely written stating any steps he took in this procedure and to save my dog, but would purposely write fractious?  He acknowledged my dog was in fear. He never called me to tell me.  I could have the choice take him home. I would have never left him there if he was that scared.  I am not only missing my dog, the pack leader and sunlight in this house, but I am feeling horrible thinking that he felt abandoned by us.  When time passed and he didn't see us, he must been so scared.  He was afraid at this office the only 2 other times he was there and the vet was less than caring. No bedside manner.  Looking back it seemed like he was either annoyed by my dog or didn't want get involved with him.  He accepted to clean his teeth.  Any prepared and caring vet would have given me a mild tranquilizer for him before he came in to calm him.  He never did that. What kind of vet does that when he knows my dog is fearful?  He could have called us and we would have stayed with him when he got the mild tranquilizer and maybe he would last seen us and made him happy and calm.  It's a law in my state to avoid putting an animal in a fearful or threatening situation where it could be dangerous them and make them suffer unless it was already suffering and it was necessary treatment.  Otherwise it's called abuse. They are to let the animal go back to its owner.  No voluntary procedure should make an animal feel so terrified that he is called fractious.  They do nothing about it?

I can only think this is what caused his death which infuriates me. So much information missing from the procedure and what they did to keep him alive. No steps. No notes. No vitals. Missing. Blank. A few scribbled words that may have been added later on. They are out of sequence in which they would be normally performed.  Any caring vet would have called me to ask me if I still want to go through with a 
voluntary procedure or skip it because it wasn't worth stressing him. Was it all about money?  He thought if it worked out he would get paid and it's Christmas Eve and no one else is coming in, he made his money for the day. He figured take the chance and if my dog doesn't make it, no big deal for him. It's not his or his family's dog. He writes off the charges and gives me my dog in a 10 cent plastic bag. 

__________________________

Parker, I need to know from you if you are okay.  I need a sign.  Come to me in my dreams.  Show me your smiling face. I need to know if you weren't frightened when you were there.  I need to know if you are at peace and not suffering.  We didn't abandon you.

Parker, please let me know you forgive me.  You are not mad at your mom.  Please, I love you. I never wanted to ever make you suffer. You were always treated like a child to me. 

I love you Parker.

I miss you Parker.

Love,

Mom
KatKat

Registered:
Posts: 101
 #28 
It is so unfortunate that this vet has left you with so many questions and appears to care so little.  It's a proven fact that if a Dr. admits an error, reaches out to the patient or family and shows they care that it lessens the impact of an event.  Just as with other professions - teachers, nurses, Dr's, etc there are people that should not be in that profession.  

You didn't know it would turn out like this.  You would never purposely put your beautiful Parker at risk.  You, like so many others, trusted a medical professional to do the right thing.  Given everything you write, little Parker knew how much you loved him, he knew you didn't abandon him - I believe this with my whole heart and soul.




MyLittleOneIsGone

Registered:
Posts: 33
 #29 
Hi KitKat,
Sorry for the long message and if I have repeated myself from before.

Any caring and respectable and sincere vet would admit guilt if there was and if there wasn't they would at least explain what exactly happened step by step and document that they did every possible to save my dog.  You probably read there were vitals or anesthesia record in the chart, the notes are incomplete and inconclusive. He withheld flagged lab results from me. It's apparent that my generally skittish small dog was in fear and dealing with fight or flight because the vet acknowledged he was "fractious", yet he did nothing to alert me and suggest cancelling or postponing because he was stressed and a voluntary procedure would not be necessary to avoid any possible harm. This was not done. So many things at that place were wrong from the start, now looking back. That vet never explained in the notes or to me all the steps they did. He tried blaming the food I fed my dog. No apology. It was all on my dog, they didn't do anything wrong. They didn't even review the procedure and risks which is mandatory by my state. 

I deal with guilt because I was the one to suggest this guy for a 2nd opinion for our Beagle, Leroy who was having digestive issues. He didn't do anything different. He kept him on the same Rx meds he came there with. I'm the one who got him better and it's over 2 years now and so far he has been great ever since then. I got him off the meds, changed his food and got him a slow-bowl. That vet never knew about a slow-bowl. That should have made me realize they were behind the times. There was no reason to return there again. We were to go back to our first vet, that was my plan.  Leroy was well again and that was it.  I suggested this vet because he was the only one I knew around here outside of our first vet. I knew him from decades ago when I brought my other dog there in the late 80's and 90's. That was then. I just tried him for this and Leroy was better, the case should have been closed. That's the first part of my guilt because suggested him. My husband decided we would just continue going there. He wasn't convenient. Vet 1 was down the road. I was opposed to it, but somehow I got caught up in my husband's demands. After 4 years of not having a sick visit to a vet because he was always healthy, Parker had his first visit at this guy's place.He was petrified. We saw that in him. He exploded his anal sacs from the anxiety. I had no plan to return there.

The 2nd visit was 4 months later when my husband had the brainy idea for teeth cleaning. The day of his pre-op. Parker was panicking there again. We should have paid more attention and do what was best for him -- go back to vet 1 where he was more comfortable.  Instead, we continued to set up the dental appointment with my objection, but my husband's insistence.  I didn't want to go there. I didn't want the dental done at all. I wasn't ready to have it done for them. I wanted to wait. My husband was in a rush. I didn't want to stick with this vet. Our first vet knew our dogs for 5 years, saw our dogs a couple times a year for vaccines and heart worm tests.  I had a couple of weeks to fight my husband, call the vet and say no to the cleaning, anything to get them out of it. Instead I lost sight of my intuition that was telling me it wasn't the right thing to do, I had a bad feeling about it. That's my second part of my guilt. I let him go there. We let him go knowing how fearful he was. My poor dog must have been crying and screaming without us. All of those people were strangers. So here I am, unforgiving myself or my husband for insisting on it. I go over and over in my head, why didn't I stop it from happening. I only needed one phone call. I was very afraid of the anesthesia.  I didn't think he needed it done, not for a while. 

Here I am stuck in a guilt trip and bitterness for my husband. I  can't shake it. I just know it was so very preventable. Could my dog have gotten sick from something if he didn't go there that day?  Of course, but he would not have died at that place.  I would have had him treated by vet 1, where I wanted to continue going. I don't know what could have happened to Parker if he didn't go there. One thing I know I would not be dealing with guilt sending him to a bad vet , bitter to my husband, and Parker losing his life.  If he got sick, he'd be checked immediately. I do think we have some control over fate if we think outside the box about consequences. I compare it to deciding to drive drunk and taking a chance that we know is wrong from the start. Whether we crash, die, or kill someone else in an accident, we made a choice to drive like that.  We do have choices. We don't have a choice if someone out of nowhere crashes into us. 

I should have listened to my inner voice and intuition that was telling me something. I had the message, but I carelessly overlooked it. And the two of us made the biggest mistake I can think of.  Only one word would have changed this. No (he's not going). I need to hope that the state will accept my request for an investigation and find errors and lies that they did. I'm hoping he gets cited and charged. It's the only thing I can do to get justice for Parker and hope that it will prevent another unanswered death at that place.

It's almost 5 months and I am still in a bad place. I hope my counselor can help me get me back. Something was taken from me that day this happened. 

I have been visiting a site that may be helpful to you, too.  The pet loss section has many articles about pet loss. Scroll down on the page.

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/p/pet-loss-articles.html

Thank you,

Parker's Mom in grieving


KatKat

Registered:
Posts: 101
 #30 

Dear Parker's Mom,

Thank you for the info regarding the website.  It looks like a good one.  

What you are going through is so complicated and wrought with pain and regrets.  I understand that you are feeling like you should have done more but I think it boils down to the fact that you felt that as a licensed medical professional your vet should have done the right thing.   Unfortunately, he didn't and this is such a travesty.  If there are questions about his Competency, then you are right in asking the State to investigate him.   I know that saying "you did your best" is not enough because in your heart you don't think you did.  You loved Parker and it is so evident by your grief and questions and inability to progress through the grief process.  None of us are infallible, we do the best that we can.  You did the best that you could.  You did the best that you could.  From someone that has had a multitude of regrets through the years I understand your difficulty with forgiving yourself.   I am standing on the perimeter looking at your situation in an objective way and I can say with confidence, you loved Parker, you never would have purposely allowed something to happen to him, you did your best.  I am here for you, I will continue to listen and provide whatever support I can from afar.  You are a good and loving pet owner.  

 

 

Napalmakita66

Registered:
Posts: 36
 #31 
The pain is so real. 2 weeks ago tonight I lost my Akita, my guardian angel.. my best friend.
Blaming ourselves might give us a temporary sense of control...we could have done something and we can prevent this from ever happeningg again. I've said before, I don't know why these things happen but they aren't in our control. We do the best we can but nature and the universe are bigger then we can understand. There are lessons and the lessons bring growth. I guess they are called growing pains for a good reason.
It's a crushing loss, I know...it's been another empty day. Depression has set in. Love the ones you have around you...we all know how fast things can change. I'm by myself now, maybe it's better that way, but I don't have that option. I think my little soldier did his job and he was ready to go help someone else. I'm trying to do little things, one step at a time. I hope everyone else can begin to move forward, one day at a time. All the best...
MyLittleOneIsGone

Registered:
Posts: 33
 #32 
Although it's hot, we are starting to have nicer weather which has stirred up my grief.  I can see my Parker sunbathing on the deck on a day like today.  I am overwhelmed in grief.  It's a memory that will stay with me forever, but the horror will still exist is why my dog is not here.  I hope the pain lessens.  I don't think I can go on too long the way I feel.  I am missing him tremendously.  I know his brother (Leroy) is looking for him. I see it in his eyes. He is sad.  His brother, the packer is not here and I'm sure he's confused.  I feel bad for him.  It was his best friend.  Leroy is on the shy side and Parker brought out so much in him. He made him less shy.  Parker was the sunshine and energy that kept this house going.  The loss is incredible.  I can't get hold of myself.  I haven't stopped crying in 5 months. He should be here. I know about fate, but this was not his fate, to die during a routine procedure at such a young age and without me saying goodbye.  Someone, please tell me it gets better. I keep falling backwards.  How do I get through this?  How I make sense of it?  I am so sorry for the biggest mistake I've ever made. How do I tell my little boy I'm sorry?  
Napalmakita66

Registered:
Posts: 36
 #33 
I know what you mean. Changes of season bring fresh reminders. I hear the lawn mowers every morning and it kills me. Me and the boy would run through the park where all the city workers knew him...they would always wave and smile. God, I miss it so much.
It will get better. Brent Atwater helped me a lot..her videos are on YouTube. If you aren't familiar, she talks about why our furry loved ones depart this life and what happens when they do. There are other videos all about where pets go when they cross. If your open minded enough it can be very comforting. I go to therapy, it's always helped..although it's only once a month. There are groups for pet loss. You can do a Google search, contact your vet or even the ASPCA can help you find resources.
Meanwhile, take care of yourself and the other puppers..they feel your energy and they know way more then we do. Those lives go on...
I was thinking the other day about how many hardships I've experienced..
this is the worst. But looking back at every time I've been going through the worst thing that's ever happened to me...I made it! I'm still here...
hold onto your faith and love everyone in your life. We'll get through this. I'll keep you in my thoughts
MyLittleOneIsGone

Registered:
Posts: 33
 #34 
My Little Peanut Parker,

It's immeasurable how much I am missing you. It is not fair that you are not here today with us.  Leroy is sad without you.  I tried playing with you like you did, but it's not the same when I bite his ears.  He looks for you. We are all sad here.  I wish I could go back in time and start all over.  I know what I did wrong.  I want to make it right.  I know it would bring you back if I could only go back in time.

It's nice weather today. I missed you sitting by the window with your crazy brother Porter.  Nothing is the same here.  I am heartbroken since you have been gone.  Sometimes I feel I cannot start my day without you in it. 

I am so sorry.  This was never meant to happen.  It was wrong.  All wrong.  You need to be here. You were 6 when we lost you. You were only a baby, still learning.  I cry a lot because I miss you so much.

It's wrong what happened to you.  I need a sign from you to let me know you were not in pain or fear when you passed.  Mom cannot handle knowing you would have suffered.  I want to know you are okay.  I want to know you are not mad at me.  I didn't mean for anything to happen to you.  I wish I could take it all back.  

I am so sorry my Dear Peanut Parker.  I will continue to write.  I need to communicate with you if this has any way of getting to you.

I wish so much one day we can be reunited in the afterlife at the Rainbow Bridge where you can introduce me to all of your friends.  Please remember that your Mom loves you so very much and I will never stop thinking about you.

I miss you forever.

I LOVE YOU FOREVER,

Love, Mom
Napalmakita66

Registered:
Posts: 36
 #35 
So sad..but powerful and beautiful. He hears you...everyone loved one hears you.. They are right by our sides, you can feel them if you open yourself to their energy.
They are together, happy and safe. I know they want you to feel the same way until the day our journey here is over and we are all together again.
Until then they can do even more to watch over us.
Of course they forgive and they understand. They are the purest of energy now..pure love. They forgive you, the universe forgives you, the source of creation forgives you because you are perfect in its eyes. It doesn't make mistakes
Keep writing. Keep communicating. Your not alone. Be good to yourself and the familyyou still have. Try and smile...if only for a moment. It's the first step. Be well
KatKat

Registered:
Posts: 101
 #36 
I'm so sorry Parker's mom.  What you wrote is a beautiful tribute to your dear boy.  Parker knows your love, he knows you would never purposely put him in harm's way.  He would want you to be kind to yourself, he loved you so.  There is nothing to forgive, I know you can't see that now because you are in so much pain that's why having objective outsiders are a truer measure of it all.  You did nothing wrong, you loved Parker, you did the best you could.  Sometimes, no matter how much we love and want to protect those we love, life just simply happens and we can not control it.  Thinking of you.
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