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Animallover82

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Posts: 37
 #1 

On Tuesday I got up and took my husband to work so I could run a bunch of errands. We only have one vehicle so I had to get up early with my daughter and ride with him and come back. I was already tired. I am a mother,wife,full time college student, and have the sole responsiblility on everything cause my husband works and believes that is all he has to do. It is spring break so I dropped him off and took my daughter to the movies. After that I had to go to our pasture let our cows out of the barn, go get grocerys at target, go get cubes for the cows,come home do laundry, feed the dogs, get a shower, pick husband up from work, and meet my cousins for their birthday party. As you can see my day was already very busy. My daughter had been acting up all day to make matters worse. When I got back from the errands around town I started doing my stuff around the house. I was such in such a hurry. I started to do my laundry and our four cats all jumped up on the dryer putting their faces in my hair as I had moved clothes out of the washer into the dryer so I could start a load of my husbands nicer clothes. I had a pile of clothes laying in front of the washing machine ready to load after I put the ones in the washer in the dryer. After completely loading the dryer I turned around in a rush and threw the clothes on the floor in the washer shut it and turned it on.. After 30 mins of the clothes on a delicate wash they were done. I went in to load them into the dryer and the first pair of pants I pulled out had a lot of hair on them and I thought that was odd. When I turned back I saw my 7 year old baby dead crumpled up in the washer... All I could do was scream .. I ran out of there screaming and my 7 year old daughter asked whats wrong. I told her through my screams and she called my mother to come over. I couldnt drive, move, or anything so my mother drove me to get my husband. He came home and him and my daughter got the cat out of the washer and put her in a bag. My husband buried her on our pasture by one of my cows. Cotton was my baby, the one that always sat in my lap and was with me anywhere I went. I had saved her from the animal shelter 6 years before when no one wanted her and she was up for euthanasia. I did not need anymore animals but something about her said she was meant to be mine. I loved Cotton so much and I can not deal with the pain of what I have done. If I had taken the time to look maybe she would still be here. I dont know how she got in there so fast my back was only turned a second.. I was standing right there. I can not get the memory of finding her like that out of my head. I am scared now... scared to go into the laundry room, I cant be around the other cats cause their meows frighten me and cause me to cry. All I can think of is her lying there and how horrible her death must have been. I really need help. All I want to do is sleep cause when I am awake all I can do is cry. But I cant sleep, I have resorted to tylenol pm to help me sleep as much as I can. I dont want to eat or go anywhere or do anything. I want to quit my college classes and just be done with everything. I am a murderer of my own baby... how can I be trusted with caring for my daughter or our other large amount of pets.. ALthough my husband and my 7 year old try to tell me it was just an accident and not on purpose nothing can comfort me. I dont care if it wasnt on purpose the fact that I did it is enough. I really cant live with myself and feel I dont deserve anything. My daughter keeps trying to show me picture and videos of Cotton and I cant look at them, I cant see her not now , maybe not ever. I dont see how I can go on after this. I will never get over it, and never be able to be ok with what I have done. I feel like just completely giving up. I have nightmares and daymares... I am scared to be alone, scared to be in my own house yet I dont have the motivation to go anywhere else...Please someone help

diane

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 #2 
Dear TIffany,  I am so very sorry for your loss of Cotton.  I hate that this tragedy happened to you.  You don't deserve this self blame.  You are a young mother and college student and you life is hectic.  You didn't mean to harm you baby and she knows that.  You gave her 6 years she wouldn't have had, here on earth.  Now she is at Rainbow Bridge, chasing butterflies in a field.  She loves you and wants you to  know that she knows it was an accident.

I had a similar thing happen years ago.  My grown son had a kitten and I was washing clothes and I was putting them in the dryer and somehow the cat got in.  I shut it up and started it and I heard this blump, blump blump noise and I quickly opened the dryer and she came staggering out like she was drunk.  I was lucky it was the dryer and so noisy.  So you see, accidents do happen.

You need to forgive yourself and remember the good times and stop dwelling on the bad.  You are near the end of your school year, so hang in there.  College is important.  I know because my son will be a rising senior after this semester.

I pray you will find peace as you begin healing form this accident.

Bless you and the spirit of your beloved baby angel.

Love,  Diane, Mom of Miss Dallas at the bridge over 8 years
Mare

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Posts: 11,058
 #3 
Your story is so sad.  I am very sorry your precious cat has passed away so suddenly.  Our pets are so curious and they don't realize they put themselves in very risky situations.  I know the pain is very deep and it is hard to think about anything else.   Try and understand that it was an accident and you never meant to harm your little one.  Bad things happen to very good people.  Cotton is at the bridge with all of our babies now.  She is in very good hands.

Mare
precious Christoph ~ sweet bunny ~

Animallover82

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Posts: 37
 #4 

I have spent the last two days on the couch in tears during the times that I am awake. I have had to send my daughter to be with my mom during the day while my husband is at work. I really cant deal with what I have done. I dont feel deserving of anything especially my other pets. I cant stand the sound of the meows from the other cats. I just have these horrible visions in my head of her being scared and confused trying to claw her way out and screaming as she drowned. I see her beautiful blue eyes in my head and then the last time I saw her all wet and curled in a ball in the washer.. I will never get that image out of my head the rest of my life. I will never be "ok" with this. I feel like I am doomed to live the rest of my life with this guilt and self-hatred. This was my baby. I was never a cat person although my husband brought his two cats too our marrige. I had went to the shelter to register my dogs and saw her there. She had meowed at me and put her paw through the cage reaching out at me. I asked about her and apparently she had been to several shelters and several homes always being brought back cause she didnt get along with the other cats in the home. When I came to pick her up the first time she was already adopted out again and I thought well at least maybe she has a home now.  A few weeks later I had this feeling and happened to go back to the animal shelter website and there she was again. I had my husband go get her immediately cause I knew this was fate. SHe was meant to be MY kitty. For all I did to save her this is what has happened. I think now that she would have been better off euthanized peacefully than to be killed this way by my hands. And the washer that did this I had bought just a year ago and was so proud to have a nice front loading machine... now I want it burned and out of my house. My husband has to now do the laundry cause I can not bear to go in there anymore. All I can see every minute of the day is her face... I will never be the same and I dont know how I can live like this....

diane

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 #5 
Please, Tiffany, for your sanity and peace you must get your husband to check around for a therapist or a group that deals with tragic deaths because you are in need of support.  Go to your doctor and get something for your nerves and if needed an anti-depressant until you can cope with this.  I feel your pain and you will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Love,  Diane
Animallover82

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Posts: 37
 #6 

I wish I could afford the luxury of a therapist. Me and my husband have no inusurance due to the cost through his company. I had cancer 2 years ago and had to pay the medical bill on a care credit card which we are still trying to pay off. I really do need support right now, my husband is doing the best he can but the rest of my family just tell me how stupid I am and that it was my cats fault this happened for jumping in the dryer. I tried to go out to dinner tonite and just not think about it. I ate some but felt so sick afterward maybe because I havent ate in days. I really want to feel better about this I am just not sure how I can. I feel totally responsible for what happened to her that I just dont know what to do or how I will ever feel better. If anyone has any ideas I am open to try. I really have tried to snap out of it this evening by getting cleaned up and leaving the house, just hasnt helped yet. She is still in my thoughts.

judesmom

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Posts: 1,904
 #7 
i agree completely with diane.    PLEASE for your own sanity and happiness see a professional regarding cotton's death.    this was a tragic accident but it was just that-an accident.   it has now left you with severe emotional scars that you need help to come to terms with.    please find a good doctor and possibly a grief counselor that deals in pet bereievement.    believe it or not, cotton is fine now.   she is at the rainbow bridge under the loving and watchful eyes of the angels.     she would not want her mom in such a desperate state of despair.       you can cry, talk and vent all you want to here and we will be here to provide shoulders to lean on and ears to listen.   but for the short term please consider professional help.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

JudeTortieWolf
ShannonH

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Posts: 1,605
 #8 
Tiffany,

Your story of Cotton's death is so tragic.  I'm so sorry.  I can only imagine what you are going through...

You are right that you will never be "ok" with it - you will never look back on this even and say "its okay".  But you will - you must -  learn to forgive yourself.  Forgiveness is not saying "its okay".  Rather, the act of forgiveness itself implies that there was a wrong and then takes away the punishment for that wrong.  In this case, I think forgiveness is acknowledging that this was a horrible accident, not an intentional act.  You may not be able to today or tomorrow but in time it is something that you must do in order to move on with your life and your family.

I think you are wrong about Cotton being better off euthanized at the shelter.  Yes, I realize that her death was tramatic and frightening.  But she would have missed out on SIX wonderful years with you and your family.  Maybe death at the shelter would have been quiet and peaceful - but she would have died unloved, without a familiy of her own.  She had bounced around to shelters and homes that didn't work out until you rescued her and gave her what she had never had before.  I honestly don't think Cotton would have traded her life with you.

I know that these are only words.  They cannot change the pain and guilt that you feel.  Only time will begin to do that.  I do echo what Diane has said though - please get help if you need it.   You have a family - human and animal - who needs you.  Yes, they need YOU - I know you don't feel worthy of that responsibility right now, but I think the love that you have demonstrates that you ARE worthy of it, despite what has happened.  You will never be the same again - none of us are after losing one we love, no matter how it happened.  Our lives have changed forever.  But you must learn to go on - for yourself and your family.

Shannon
Animallover82

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Posts: 37
 #9 

I have had to come to terms with the loss of many animals over the years. Me and my husband love animals , half of our animals were strays, shelter, or dumped animals. I am also a vegitarian due to showing cattle all my years through high school. I currently have 17 head of cattle that are my "big babies" They are just pets and will never have to be butchered. Because of our amount of furbabies I have seen many go. Mostly the losses have been our cattle. About a month ago we had a hard freeze here and we lost one of my 12 year old cows. She was so old that the cold was too much for her. I have had to drag cows out of a pond that passed and all other sorts of horrible things with my cattle that I wont go into. Although those have been hard for me and I cried many nights I was able to move on about my life and remember them fondly. I think what hurts here is my hand in Cotton's death. Yes I realize that it was an accident and I didnt do it on purpose. But maybe just maybe if I slowed down... took a moment to look in that washer... I know my cats jump in and out of the machines. I always would count them and often shoo them out of the washer or dryer. ANd that day they were all standing on it rubbing in my hair as I was moving clothes from the washer to the dryer. In fact I recall shooing cammy out of the dryer. Why I did not notice is Cotton jump in the washer beyond me. The fact that I was in such a hurry and so aggitated with earlier events in the day that I neglected to look that last time is what I think is tormenting me. And the look on her face when I found her... that I cant forget. That face is what is haunting me. She has this pure look of terror or panic.. its so hard to even think about right now..I am not new to dealing with loss, Over the last two years I have lost 11 cattle who like I said were my "big babies", but their deaths due to nature or old age did not affect me this way. The only thing that has helped me is something my husband said ... he said "Think of all the animals you have that wouldnt have a life because of you"...I know he is right and I keep trying to hold on to that statement.

Trixi

Registered:
Posts: 38
 #10 
Oh Tiffany, my heart just aches for you.  Freak accidents are horrible - and feeling like you were at fault for something that was so strange to have happened - it's just awful and it makes me cry for you and your loss.  You poor dear.  It sounds like Cotton probably was asleep in that pile of laundry and it all just happened so fast. Why can never be answered, because there is no reason other than just cruel twisted fate that strangely happens sometimes. 

I'm sending a big compassionate hug to you Tiffany. I'm glad you found this site to help you slowly deal with this tragedy.  I'm so so sorry for your loss.
T

Boosca

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Posts: 654
 #11 
Dear, Dear Tiffany,
  I am so very sorry to hear about your loss of Cotton, and completely agree with others who have said to try to get some type of help dealing with this traumatic event.  When I read your story, I just broke down in tears for you, and for your precious sweetheart, Cotton, but I believe if Cotton
could talk to your right now, his concern would not be for himself, but for you.  He would want you to know that it was not your fault, and he would not want you to feel guilt over what happened.  He would say he knew he was your baby, and was loved.  He would say, thank you mommy for picking me, and making my life wonderful He would wipe away those tears, and tell you he is OK.  Someone told me once that animals do not fear death the way people do.  Perhaps, they know something we do not.  Your little guy left this earth, and walked right into the arms of waiting angles. 
  Tiffany, take care of yourself right now.  Try to eat, and sleep, and be extra gentle with yourself.  You have suffered a terrible tragedy.  Try to lie down, and feel the love that we all are sending you, but most of all the love that Cotton is sending you right now.  Let it wash over you.  I pray that you will find peace, and comfort.
Take care Tiffany.
Connie, Boosca's Mom Forever
judesmom

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Posts: 1,904
 #12 
if you have no insurance then possibly a pastor at your church if you are a church goer may help.     and also there is a book that has been talked about a good deal on this board-animals and the afterlife by kim sheridan.    it's been awhile since i have read it but i do remember a few accounts of people actually seeing the place where their babies were headed into and it was quite touching and comforting.      you may want to get yourself a copy from your local library.    i feel that book may help to allieviate some of your torment and anguish.

one thing that you are doing very well and that is to get all of the anguish out in the open.    whether it feels like it or not this is doing you a world of good.   that is far better than to keep it all choked up inside where it could do much more damage than releasing it all.    shannon took the words right out of my mouth here in her last paragraph.    it all is so very true.    one day you will want to move forward and you will.   right now life is too agonizing to even think about doing that.    but please be patient with yourself and realize and accept that it was all a tragic accident and certainly was not intentional.     we are all human and subject to mistakes.   

it may help you to sit down and write a letter to cotton and tell her how you are feeling.    or perhaps just sit down when it is quiet in your home and talk to her.    try to close your mind and feel her close to you.   i know she is there and will hear every word you utter, know every thought in your mind and feel every feeling in your heart.      you loved her dearlly and still do and she feels the same way about you.    this love will never extinguish but will continue to burn brightly every day for both of you.   

give yourself plenty of time to grieve and mourn and do not rush through as others would have you do.   go at your pace and put one foot in front of the other.    eventually given enough time life will get easier and more enjoyable for you.     one step at a time here......................just one step at a time.  

JudeTortieWolf     


jjjenny

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Posts: 40
 #13 
I am so sorry this happened.
Even though you started the wash, it was not your fault.  You did not intentionally do this to Cotton.
In our town there is a Good Samaritan Counseling center which charges people only what they can afford to pay. Someone suggested a pastor which is a good idea. 
I read a lot of Sylvia Brownes books about the afterlife, which has helped me in the past to deal with deaths.  I know Cotton is happy now and does not blame you in any way for what happened.  Cotton would not like to see you unhappy or upset.
Please get some help and come here often and let us know how you are doing.
You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Jeanne 

Animallover82

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Posts: 37
 #14 

I sat on the phone last night till 4am talking with one of my friends who lives in another state. For that conversation I was distracted and was able to think about something else. I am still having a rough time with this today. However I have only cried once today (when I read some of your wonderful posts) but at the same time I feel numb and sort of lost in space. I feel like a robot just "doing what I am programed to do" and getting through my day. One thing I got from the conversation with my friend last night was that my stress and the fact I am so overworked is part of the reason this happened. I need some relief or some time away to clear my head. Even before I lost my baby things were very strained and I felt like I was going to jump out of my skin. There are no exscuses for what I did and no one else to blame but myself but the overload of stress is what inevitably led to this. I will never again rush for anything..EVER I will take my time even if it means things wont get done in one day. Nothing is more important than the ones I love human or animal. I also learned who you can and cant count on during times like these. I have gotton more help and sympathy from this board than my friends and family. Other than my husband and maybe my child I have been beaten up about the way I am feeling. My mother blames the "stupid cat" for killing herself. My dad says its just an animal "get over it". I had put on my facebook yesterday that I needed some prayers and when one of my husbands friends asked what was going on I told him. His response was "Oh I am glad it was nothing serious" then he laughed at me. And he went on to say he was going to call me cat killer from now on. I cant even talk to people about this cause no one understands and I feel very alone. I have my hubby but by the time he gets off from work hes so tired and exhausted I dont feel I have the right to take away his only time of rest. I am sure I will get through this I have a beautiful little girl depending on me and all my other pets who without me have no chance at life. No one would take them all in especially my cattle. Will I ever be happy again, stop seeing the suffering in my babies face, or forgive myself? I really have doubts about that.

Animallover82

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Posts: 37
 #15 

I want to appologize for not doing this sooner but thank you all so much for your support. Even though I do not know you, your kind words have meant alot to me and I feel less alone than I did before. I wanted to ask a question about something and I am sorry if this seems silly but me and my husband are having a dissagreement on an issue. I want rid of the washing machine that did this. I feel like if I am ever to be able to somewhat move on I dont want it in my house anymore. Is this silly? The washer is only a year old and we still owe 700 dollars on it but I just want it gone. I would feel somewhat better not to ever have to look at it again. I can not go in that room much less see that machine. I am afraid it will give me flashbacks and I dont need that right now. Hubby is currently doing the laundry, but I am not sure how long he will last doing that. I have been looking at pictures of her today and although it has made me cry I am trying to remember her as she was and not the horrible way I saw her last...

ShannonH

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Posts: 1,605
 #16 
I'm sorry that so many of your family and friends are so uncaring about what you are going through.  I have learned over the last few years that you don't have to have experienced the same pain to care about what someone else is going through - sometimes its enough just to care because they care, because they are hurting.  It is good that you do have a few people around you can talk to still.

You may not see it, but it seems as if you are making progress in this.  Doing what you "programmed to do" (autopilot so to speak) is more than doing nothing.  And I think this is normal - most of us just go through the motions in the beginning, not really caring much about life.  And you've regained some sight of the others around you that need you - your husband and daughter and your other animals.  Small steps - but good steps.

It will be a long road.  You will not just "get over it."  I wish I could tell you that you will stop seeing her face at the end, but you won't.  Years ago, I lost a cat to a car - I can still recall what it was like seeing her broken body.   But I remember her life more.  That memory of finding Cotton will always be there, but one day it will fade into the background, overtaken by memories of her life with you.  Happiness, forgiveness?  They will come eventually.  Impossible to believe now maybe, but they will come.

As Judesmom said, one step at a time.

Shannon
ShannonH

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Posts: 1,605
 #17 
I don't know what to tell you about the washer.  My only advice is not to make that decision right now - give it some time.  You've put a lot of money into it and still are - not that this is the only deciding factor, but it still plays into it, maybe more for your husband than you at the moment.  Its usually best not to make big decisions in the moment of such emotions.

There is one other thing that comes to mind in this - not facing your fears will not help in the end.  Years ago, I lost a dog to pancreatitis - without our knowledge, she had been escaping and going down to the beach.  Likely, she ate something on that beach that caused the pancreatitis and ultimately her death.  I did not go back to that beach for about 4 years - I couln't.  But as the time passed, I realized that it wasn't doing me any good to avoid this place.  The first time back on that beach was very hard - but it got easier.  I wish I hadn't pushed it away as long as I did. 

Facing or fears and our pain is part of what brings healing.  If we avoid those things, we only close off that part of our heart that needs healing the most.  I know it would feel better today to just have that machine out of there and gone forever.  But in the long run, you may find that it was no help at all.

I am by no means trying to talk you into keeping this machine.  That is a choice only you (and your husband with you) can make.   This is only my two-cents worth - from someone that is not facing what you are facing right now.

Shannon
Animallover82

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Posts: 37
 #18 
I only want to remember her this way.....Mommy love you baby :(




Darian

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Posts: 282
 #19 

What happened to Cotton was not your fault!  Please forgive yourself.  Please try to imagine Cotton telling you that she forgives you - because she does.  The accident happened and the trauma of it is enormous.  I know a few people whose animals have died because of being run over by the family car and I think maybe that those people can relate to you.  But they and you must forgive yourself.  If it makes you feel better to get rid of the washer then perhaps you should.  Anything that makes you feel better is fine as long as you take a little bit of time to consider it.     As for those people who are cruelly ignoring your pain and even making fun of you,  they are idiots who do not deserve your time or energy.   I'm sorry that you feel as if you don't deserve good things right now - you deserve every happiness.  The accident does not undo all the good you've done and all the love you have in your heart.  

ShannonH

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Posts: 1,605
 #20 
Oh, Cotton was beautiful!  What a sweet face.  This is indeed the way to remember her.
Thank you for sharing her with us.
Shannon
Moms

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Posts: 1
 #21 
Hi Tiffany. I am a retired bereavement therapist but I am not here because of that. My husband and I were in a similar circumstance when a little kitty we were trying to win over (she was a stray) was caught inside out truck engine and accidentally died. Yes, my husband took it hard because he started the engine, but the little girl had sneaked in and we didn't know. We missed her terribly and wondered why we didn't open the hood whenever we started our truck. Of course, not many people open hoods on their truck because, well, even kitties don't usually snuggle inside one.

Several things I want to point out about your statements. Please take them seriously. Your title admits that you acknowledge it was an accident. My vet has told me these scenarios are often and due to a cat's curious nature.

But what is our real problem? It's that we don't like *accidents*. We especially don't like them because by nature they are uncontrollable, and, when they hurt those we love, we hate them even more. You are smart and knew when you wrote your title that it was an accident, but then you called it murder. Yes, that's proof that we hate accidents so passionately.  

"It was an accident" isn't enough. Intellectually we can't cope with what we really feel about it. "It was an accident, and we hate accidents" is better when you know in your heart it is true.  Admit the hatred of something you cannot control. It is rare.
Own your hatred of it (as we always do) and you will be able to move on as we did.




Animallover82

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Posts: 37
 #22 

Thank you all for your kind words...I am still struggling with this pretty hard. I have gone through the motions of my everyday tasks just to keep busy but will randomly cry in public. I went to a play last night with my family and I was sitting there and in my head started reliving that moment and what I saw. I tried to sleep last night without a sleeping pill and stayed up all night just thinking.. remembering. My husband let it slip today that one of his nice work shirts I just bought for him with my school loan money was ruined in the load that killed her. He didnt go into details but I would assume she tore it up trying to get free...The pants that I saw when I first started unloading the washer and wondered why there was so much hair on them sit on the couch.. even after being washed two times her beautiful hair still covers them...Friday night we went out to feed my cattle, they are 45 mins from where I live. This is where my husband laid her to rest, next to one of our dogs, our bunny, and some of our cows. I sat there for quite some time talking to her and crying. I am really trying to get my mind off it and do normal things but I am having a hard time. Spring break is over and school starts back tomorrow... I have a reasearch paper due over the play we saw and I honestly dont know how I am going to do it or any of the rest of my work. I have stared at the computer the last few hours intending to work on my paper and only wrote two sentences. I keep looking at her pictures and my husband told me to stop it...Sigh I cant stop blamming myself. I will keep on doing my best to go on but I dont think I will ever feel the same again.

judesmom

Registered:
Posts: 1,904
 #23 
i think it may do you well to do some research on the internet re the different stages of grief or grab some books on that subject at your local library.   everything you are thinking and feeling is completely normal.    you're in a state of shock and disbelief now and that won't correct itself overnight.   it all takes time and alot of it b4 our worlds start to look somewhat normal and brighter again.   

and as far as grief counseling is concerned,  maybe you might want to contact some social services in your area.   i do know that some professionals in varioius fields will donate their time (how often i don't know) to the public who cannot otherwise afford these services.    perhaps that may be an option for you.   or also many universities have 4th yr vet students who man some phones when folks need someone to talk to re the loss of a pet.    if you do not have a university in your state i would have to assume that they all have a 1-800 number to call.   this may also be another option for you.

as for the washer-i understand completely.   if it were me i would not just want to get rid of it.................i would like to take it outside, put a few sticks of dynamite in it and then blow it to smitherens.    and after that was all done i would go out and just stomp all over it.     maybe if you could do that mentally it make take some of the strain off of your mind and heart.  but yes if it was me i would sell it off and get a new one-a top loader.

is there someway you can possibly take some time off of school until you are better able to concentrate?   maybe just take a semester off and try to get some normalacy back in your life may be beneficial.    you could have time to do some things that would help you.   this could be anything that you enjoy doing................sewing, crafts, reading, listening to music, going to the movies, visiting with friends, etc...................

i am glad that you were able to sit with cotton and talk to her.   i know that it did your heart alot of good.     continue to do that.    petloss holds an every monday night candle service (and also every 2nd sunday of the month).   there is info on that on the home page of pet loss.   whenever you are up to it, you may want to participate.    it's very touching and for me brings with it a sense of peace and calm.

thank you so much for showing us what a beautiful lady cotton is.    you can tell from these pictures that she was a very well loved baby.    and she knows that she is STILL very much loved and always will be.   

as for the folks who have said some insensitive and cruel (yes i would catagorize those remarks as cruelty) please turn a deaf ear to all of that.    you and your heart do not need any more burdens placed upon them.    or if you want to let others know of your feelings you may want to tell them that you do not appreciate their unkind remarks and if they can't think of anything proper to say then just keep their stupid traps shut!   at least that is what i would do.      you need alot of tlc now and time off from life for awhile to recuperiate-not to have to put up with others ignorance and insenitivity.     allow yourself to grieve in your own way and in your own time.   if others in your life do not understand you always have us at petloss to talk to.    someone is always here to listen and provide a shoulder.

((((((((((((((((((huggers))))))))))))))))))))

JudeTortieWolf


Animallover82

Registered:
Posts: 37
 #24 

I attended the Candle Ceremony this evening. My husband and little girl set along side me as we lit the three candles. We all sat in silence and cried for quite some time. I am working on a letter/memorial to post here soon. It is just so hard for me to think of her and still after a week I feel so emotionally scared. As far as taking off school.. I dont think I can do that. It is mid semester and as much as I would like to just throw it out the window I have loans that payed for my schooling and really cant afford to quit. This will be the second time I have tried to go to school. I was in college back when I became pregnant with my daughter at the age of 21. I became very sick and was put on a high risk pregnancy and had to drop out. I had attempted to go a second time a few years later but was very ill and found out I had cancer. I am now 28 years old and I decided if I didnt finish college now it was going to be too late. I had always dreamed of becomming a doctor and last year I decided I was going to make it happen. Me and my husband have struggled financially do to my health and him being the only one working. I want better for my family and better for my pets. So as much as I feel like quiting I will force myself to continue on. Life has been very unkind to me over the last few years and my husband, daughter, and pets have been a godsend. Cotton along with my other furbabies have been there for me through it all. That is why this is so hard.. my faith is really being tested right now.. I am not sure how much more one person can take. I am very thankful for everyone on this board and all the kinds words for me and my precious Cotton. I really need someone to talk to because most of my family/friends are not understanding. My husband really tries and I know in his heart he is grieving. He deals with these things differently though and puts them out of his mind like they never happened. He is so good at blocking it out.. I wish I could be more like that. But then again he doesnt have to feel in any way responsible for this. I come here everday because here I am at least able to find some comfort and for that I truely thank you.

lennysmom

Registered:
Posts: 308
 #25 

Tiffany my  heart goes out to you and your terrible loss... i know words can not make you feel any better ...i wish there was something we could do to go back in time everyone of us would do something different or make a different choice. life is unfair that way and doesnt allow us that option. i hope time heals your guilt ...it was an accident. Cotton knows that... your love for him he knew. good luck to you and know were here for you

SpeedsMom

Registered:
Posts: 21
 #26 
I feel your despair. For ten years I would not order pizza for fear someone would run over Speedway or other cats. EVERY SINGLE TIME I drove the car I looked under the wheels. I started to look one time and then didn't. Spedway was under the wheel and I killed her. She had cancer and the chemotherapy had worked. After all that I killed her. It was worse because of how I killed her. Looking under the wheels was something that I made everyone do. Why that one time didn't I look. I was compulsive about it. Why was she there the one time I didn't look? Three years later and the pain is still awful. I so feel for you. The awful memory can override the good ones BUT Cotton had a great life that would not have been the case without you. You have others who love you and you love then. Cotton would not want you to suffer. Cotton's love is unconditional. Hang on to all that love.
Animallover82

Registered:
Posts: 37
 #27 

Although I had been preoccupied the last 4 or 5 days because I had to get school work done and my whole family got sick.. I had still thought about her so much and missed her. I felt the efforts I have put into "Stray Kitty" have made me feel the least bit better. I was also able to help a blind dog at the local animal shelter find a home before he got euthanized... But today was a bad day. I went to give hay to my cattle which is the land where my hubby buried Cotton and so many other of our babies... just to find out some wild dog or coyotee dug her up from 6 feet down although she was in several bags and all my husband could find was an empty bag on the other side of the pasture a few bones in the hole and hair all around the grave.. I am so distraught over this and here I couldnt even give her a peacful resting place that she was drug off by some wild animals....I had my husband look around but he could not find anything else of her.. I am so devestated... We have buried several animals out there and this is the first for it to happen. We had to pull a cow out of the pond after a hard freeze two months ago and was unable to bury her so moved her to the back of the property where she was then sadly disposed of by the coyotes... I guess that wasnt enoguh taht they had to dig my baby up too... I cant sleep tonite.. so heartbroken and guilty....

judesmom

Registered:
Posts: 1,904
 #28 
i honestly don't even know how to respond to this.     i am so very sorry that you have had to go through so much hell recently.     it just isn't fair and it just isn't right.    please keep coming here and talk to us whenever you need to.   you need an outlet for all of your grief.     talk to our ears and lean on our shoulders.    that is what we are here for.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))))))

JudeTortieWolf
amelia

Registered:
Posts: 13
 #29 
My heart aches for you, dear friend :'(

I know it is of little consolation, but try think about the Hopi poem and maybe believe that Cotton herself allowed the animals to dig her up so she could be truly free. You made a special place for Cotton but she really wasn't ever there... she is, and will forever remain, in your heart. 

Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there.I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet white doves in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there,I did not die.


moonunit

Registered:
Posts: 28
 #30 
Oh, animal lover. I'm so sorry. That is absolutely horrific. I am so very sorry that happened to you. I completely understand how terrible you feel. Please, please know that it was a total accident. That could have happened to anyone!!! Life is so difficult sometimes. It's the every day things that are the hardest. It sounds like you have so many things to do in a day. Taking care of a household is one of the most challenging things to do - it's as hard as any job. You were just going about your day. You did absolutely nothing wrong! There was nothing you could have done differently. That could have happened to absolutely anyone. I'm so sorry it happened to you. I am just now experiencing the loss of my first pet and it is bad enough. I can't imagine how much harder it must be for you. I hope you can find some peace. You are just as much a victim in this as your little cat. I'm so sorry. 
moonunit

Registered:
Posts: 28
 #31 
Hi Tiffany, I just read more of your posts and I want to say that I admire you so much. You have given homes to so many animals and cows - those sweet, big animals that almost no one thinks about because they end up as food. What a kind, generous heart you have and what a generous man your husband is for supporting you in that. My husband has dealt with the death of our beloved dog much as your husband has. He tries not to think of it. I think that is just their way. He doesn't feel the guilt that I do and I'm glad he doesn't. It's easier for him to let go without the guilt. The guilt is the worst part of the loss and I'm so sorry you are having to deal with it. But I want to thank you for doing what so few people will do for animals. You're a vegetarian, you rescue cows and dogs and cats. I wish I had done half of what you have. You are a rare person and you did not deserve this terrible experience. I'll never understand why people who give so much have to go through such hard things. You gave Cotton a wonderful life. Just like someone else before me said, you gave her a home when no one else would. And she died loved. So many animals die alone, in silence, with no one to grieve for them or even know they died - or lived. And I have to say, that for this past 45 minutes, as I thought about your terrible experience, I did not think about my own pain over the loss of my beloved Molly and the guilt I feel over her passing. I'm so sorry and I hope you can move on and continue to give love to the animals you so generously have dedicated your life to. 
Animallover82

Registered:
Posts: 37
 #32 

I wish I could say things were better... IN some ways they are but in others not so much...If I am busy with school work or daily tasks I seem to manage, more like a zombie but still manage. When its late or I am alone thats when it hits me , and hard. I just start crying out of no where and to the point I can feel my throat close up. On top of all this pain and guilt for Cotton I have new worries in my life. Our 15 year old cat Dillion has been loosing weight the last month, hes eating and moving around but sleeps alot and is thin. We are going to take him to the vet this week after hubby gets paid but I am afraid of the outcome. I dont think I can loose another baby this soon. I also have a 11 year old husky that was the first dog I bought out of my parents house and although she is in great shape my heart worries for her. Maybe I am paranoid... I keep having these dreams where Cloud and Al (my white blue eyed huskies) keep getting killed.. Cotton was white and blue eyed. I dont know if I can keep on loosing my pets. Up until this point it was hard but not like this with the whole guilt of causing her death. With as many animals as we have there are certain ones that I have more a connection with(hate saying) cotton was one of them. I think the last time I grieved so much was when I lost my first cow. I was with her when she passed, she had gotton stuck in the pond and the firemen pulled her out wrong and her lungs collapsed. THat was one of the hardest moments prior to this. I stayed up months sleeping on the couch and Cotton was always there for me. Why couldnt I be there for her...I am seriously thinking after this stray cat we decided to keep that I can not get anymore animals ever.. This hurts to much. Currently we have 36 pets including the cows so I have to go through this another 36 times... The thought just kills me. At least I hope they wont be at my hands :( I am also worried I could be pregnant. After my battle with cancer and my daughter being a high risk pregnancy I dont think this would be the best senario. Maybe I am just being paranoid about it like everything else but things just seem off. Maybe I am just too sick with greif to know the difference. So sorry for spilling my guts here to you guys... just feeling really bad today

judesmom

Registered:
Posts: 1,904
 #33 
spill your guts out and wear your heart on your sleeve here.      both will be well protected, guarded and understood.     you're going through an awful lot of emotional turmoil right now and you need an outlet.  and i am sure losing cotton is bringing up past losses and now worrying about your current babies.    i've done that as well.    and it does seem that you get to the point where you feel as if you're a bit paranoid.    worrying and fretting can do a body an awful lot of harm.    i wish there was something that you could do that helps you to relax.     do you have any hobbies that helps you to shut out the world for awhile?    you need a mental and emotional break from life right now.    maybe there is some info on the internet or a good book from your library that can point you in a direction with some coping methods that would help to bring you at little peace of mind and heart.    i know it wouldn't be much but anything at this point is better than nothing.   even if you could it mentally that would be beneficial.   

please let us know what the vet says about dillon.    it could be something that could be well managed with meds and/or a diet change.    i will say a prayer that dillon will be with you awhile longer and you will be able to get his good health back.

you are a very kind hearted person and have given your love to many furry friends.      please be as kind and as gentle to yourself as you are and have been to all of your furbabies.     the ones that are in heaven now are being well taken care of by God, Jesus and the angels.    they have no worries, concerns or are suffering.    they are doing just fine.      and i know that they would want you to take good care of yourself as well.    wrap yourself up in all that love that you have given out and let the universe give that right back to you.   it's trying to but you have to allow it to happen.  

and always remember..................we are here, do not judge, we understand and do our best to try and help anyone who is suffering and grieving.   that is why we are here.    and ok............yeah..............sometimes it is good to share some happy times and moments as well and allow the laughter to intermingle with the tears shed.     it's all part of what we know of as life.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

JudeTortieWolf
Mandys_Mom

Registered:
Posts: 2,283
 #34 
I am so sorry to read of your loss of Cotton. She was really beautiful and I know how much you love her and all your other pets. Her passing was an accident, not anyone's fault. Not hers, not yours. Every accident carries with it all the "if only's" and "what if's" and it's hard not to dwell on those. In fact, every death, accident, natural, euthanasia, or any other, is full of "if only's" and "what if's". It is so hard to get past that regardless of how it happened. I hope that in time you can learn to get past the guilt. Of course you will never "get over it", but no one really "gets over it". We learn to live with it because we must. Please don't give up on having pets. You are obviously an answer to a prayer for many animals who need you. Love always hurts when the end comes, whether through death, break-up, or any other way. Your life with Cotton on earth has ended, but the love you shared is ever lasting. Cotton carries your love with her at Rainbow Bridge now and she lives forever in your heart. In death, the ones left behind hurt, but the deceased will never hurt again, and lives in a glorious existence filled with peace and joy. Please keep talking about your feelings, as that will help you through this. If you can find professional help, take it. If you can't, at least continue to pour out your feelings here. Everyone understands and you will always find people who want to comfort you through this terrible time in your life. Thank you for caring and giving so many a chance at life. 
YorkieHeidi

Registered:
Posts: 1,541
 #35 

Dear Tiffany:  I am so sorry you are suffering so for the loss of your dear Cotton.  I know it is easy to say not to blame yourself - but Cotton knows you would never, never knowingly hurt her and will love you always just as you will always love her.  Please don't taint that love with guilt.  I know that is easy to say, but so hard not to do.  I want to share something with you that I haven't mentioned on this site before, but after reading your story and seeing how very badly you feel, I think this may help you.  When I was 15 years old, I killed a man.  It was an accident.  I was driving a car and he was walking on the right hand side of the street.  A big truck was coming in my direction and I overcorrected and hit the poor man.  He was in his 50's and had a wife and three children.  I thought I could never be happy again in this life.  My guilt and unhappiness tormented me.  I broke off with my boyfriend who was in the navy as I didn't want him to be pulled down by me and this horrible problem.  I prayed and prayed and went to a priest to try and find some peace.  Finally I realized I had done the worst thing possible in life.  I had taken away someone's life.  My boyfriend got a leave from the Navy and came home to go to court with me.  We have now been married for almost 50 years and have had a wonderful family and been blessed with so much love and happiness.   You have already been punished Tiffany.  Your pain couldn't be worse.  You lost your baby.  She is now at peace and she knew you adored her so please forgive yourself and try to only think about positive times with her.  Your other cats and your family feel your pain and that isn't fair as I am sure you will agree.  Someday you will get to hug Cotton again and you can make it up to her then with all the kisses in the world.  I hope this helps you.  As I said, I have tried to live my life the best I could to make up for what happened.  My animals are my true loves - even though I have the best family, I am so happy with them.  I will be watching the board and hoping to read you are feeling better.   Love and Hugs to you and your entire family - A Friend.

Animallover82

Registered:
Posts: 37
 #36 

Heidi after reading your post my grief and guilt seem so small. I could not imagine what you had to go through, but you must be an amazingly strong person. I wish I could be stronger like that and not crumble all the time. Dillon has an appointment set for sat and I should be able to take my own "test" on sat as well... Hoping for a good outcome and not a ruined weekend. I took an exam for school today and I am sure I failed it. Although I studied all weekend my head just isnt there and it was too much material to remember it all :( I miss my beautiful white cat so much. Love you Cotton

ShannonH

Registered:
Posts: 1,605
 #37 
Heidi - I can't imagine what you must have gone through.  You are very strong to have found a way to go on after that - and very brave to share such a vulnerable thing with others.  To use such a tradgedy to help someone else is perhaps one the best ways to "make up for what happened."

Tiffany - Strength is built up slowly over time.  Just like one who lifts weights or works out.  No one starts out strong.  Remember when your daughter began to crawl and then to walk?  It took time and practice for her to have the coordination and the strength to do it well.  Strength comes by endurance - walking through each day one moment at a time.  Each time you fall (or crumble), you get up again.  Each time you get up again, you grow stronger.  You may not see it yet, but that's okay.  Just keep getting up again - one day, one moment at a time - and the strength to live will come.

Shannon
Animallover82

Registered:
Posts: 37
 #38 

Just as I am grieving over Cotton and preparing myself for Dillons appointment Sat we had two bad days in a row. Last night we went to check on my cattle which are 45 mins from my residence. We get there and they are out because someone has cut my fence. We spent 1500 on this front section alone about a year ago and someone destroyed it and all my cows were out in the road. We tried to fix it the best we could but it was dark so I dont know if it will hold. All last night I worried about them and planned to go back out today (we usually go every 2 days) Well today I went to feed our bunny Lola and noticed she was breathing extremely hard with her mouth open. She had no recent signs anything was wrong with her. I called my husband and he left work so we could take her to the vet. The vet gave her a grim prognosis and said she had fluid on her lungs and possibly congestive heart failure. Lola was 8 years old and the vet was afraid to do any further testing cause she thought it would put her into cardiac arrest. We got some meds and brought her home to try and help her through. When my husband picked her up to give her the meds she started choking and gasping. She died in my husbands arms. He is devestated and somehow feels this is his fault. My daughter took her from him and held her and petted her crying her little eyes out. She refused to let my hubby take her for a long time. I am beside myself I cant believe this is happening again.... just a few weeks after Cotton.. and on the verge of maybe something with Dillon too.. I dont know how much more I can take.

amelia

Registered:
Posts: 13
 #39 
Oh Tiffany!!!  (((((((((((((((((((((((((( )))))))))))))))))) :'( :'( :'( You poor soul. Your family is going through so much heartache and you don't deserve this! Why, oh why bad things happen to good people? 

I think I mentioned in some post or message that I personally don't believe in fate or destiny. But maybe those who do, or can convince themselves that they do exist can live easier when all the cra* in the world falls upon them because there is simply no other reasoning why anyone good should be subject to so much suffering. 

I send you huge hugs, my friend. 

And RIP little Lola - go and play with Cotton and let her know how much her Mommy loves her -- and you too. 

amelia xx  


judesmom

Registered:
Posts: 1,904
 #40 
please..................find some resources from some professionals where you can obtain some free help either from a psychologist or a grief counselor.   the hellish events of the last few weeks would leave anyone wondering how much more than can take b4 they snap.      being that you are going to school to be a doctor maybe you could talk to your school counselor there and they could lead you to a place (possibly within your own school) where you can obtain some free help.

my hat is off to you though.   i'm afraid that if i were in your shoes i would be a screaming maniac by now.     life had dealt you some very rotten blows as of late and i am so hoping that it will now start dealing you a much nicer hand.

and i am so sorry to hear of your bunny.    a friend of mine is a big bunny person and i do remember her telling me one day that they were very delicate in regards to their health.    maybe it was simply lola's time and it came at the end of a very bad time in your life.    and please let us know what the vet says about dillon.

once again......................(((((((((((((((((((hugs and prayers)))))))))))))

JudeTortieWolf

ps-wouldn't your home owners insurance cover the damage to your fence and you could get it replaced?
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