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Akm444

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Posts: 8
 #1 
Hi, everyone. I found this message board online and wanted to thank you all for sharing your stories. It makes me feel less alone in my grief. I am so sorry for all of your losses and am here for you and share your pain.

24 hours ago I put my 11 year old chihuahua, Leni, down. She was suffering from Congestive Heart Failure. We first brought her to the vet 2 months ago because of a cough she had. What we thought was just an innocent cough turned out to be heart disease. After putting Leni on heart medication for two weeks, she went back to the vet and her x-rays looked so good! Her enlarged heart had shrunk. Her trachea was more open which had caused her to cough to go away. She was doing so well until about a week and a half ago, her cough came back out of the blue and was so much worse than before. Her heart disease was causing fluid to build up in her lungs. She was coughing day in and day out. It was nonstop. We took her to the vet multiple times where we decided to increase her meds to see if that would help. The meds weren't working so we took her to the vet again on Wednesday where the vet sat us down and told us that it was okay if we decided to put her down. Our dog was having a hard time breathing especially at night. She would gasp for air at times. Other than that, she looked and acted completely healthy. She was still trying to be her sassy self. The vet told us that she didn't want us to feel like we had given up on our dog or that we were bad owners for making the decision to put her down. We had done everything we could. She wanted us to know that it was okay to let go if we chose to do so. She was essentially giving us permission and that helped us make our decision to not make our dog suffer or struggle to breath anymore. We were there for our dog until her last breath and she left this world peacefully.

I have no doubts we made the right decision. I'm just trying to navigate through this unbearable grief. I have never experienced something so painful in my life. I cried all day yesterday and today. I got home from work and sat in my car looking at my front door where my dog's little face would show up in the window every time I came home. I struggle with just being able to walk inside my home because I know Leni isn't there to greet me and be so excited to see me. My home feels emptier and is so much quieter without her. Her absence is felt everywhere and I came to this message board to see if anyone who has been or is going through this had any advice or suggestions to help with this heartbreak. I just miss her. Everything about her. And I love her so much. I know you all loved your fur babies too.
DanC

Registered:
Posts: 25
 #2 
Hi Akm444,

I’m so sorry for your loss. I lost my beloved cat, Nudge, due to congestive heart failure just 4 1/2 months ago and I miss everything about him so much. When, I think of him now, I tend to mist up, and I don’t openly cry as I was once did. Little did I know that crying at the time was in fact part of healing as I was processing my feelings and not hiding them which manifest itself in something even more unpleasant and unhealthy.

All I can say is cry, talk to him as often as you see fit. When you are ready think of things you might be able to do to help out others dogs to honour your cherished Leni. Or at least I found that helpful as I adopted Nudge and his brother, who passed away ago seven days ago, therapeutic. For me the act to be gratifying and pay homage to Nudge needed to be tangible. As the grieving process continues the tears will turn to mist and you will think back to the fond memories you shared with Leni. You might find yourself laughing at some stunts that Leni pulled and sharing stories. With that in mind, the biggest advice I have is grief comes in waves. You may be feeling like you are turning a corner, coming to peace with everything only to be hit by some random memory causing you to cry like it was just yesterday. This is perfectly normal. Grief is not a singular emotion or linear in nature but rather a multitude of emotions that you may feel one at a time or all at once. Move with the waves and let them guide you.

Therefore, grief at your pace. Unfortunately, we tend to outlive our beloved pet, yet everyone here would do it all over again. You gave a lucky dog a chance to share your home and experience unconditional love. You were not just a pet owner, but rather like everyone here, you were a true pet lover. We need more pet lovers and less pet owners.
ChompersMom

Registered:
Posts: 5
 #3 
I'm going through this as well. I lost 2 dogs today and all I can to is cry. You are not alone especially in the feeling empty when you walk inside and they are not there to greet you. I took a shower thinking it would help and my baby wasn't laying beside the tub. I hope you know you did the right thing and Leni is waiting in peace at the rainbow bridge.
Akm444

Registered:
Posts: 8
 #4 
ChompersMom

I am so sorry and am sending you a big hug. I feel your loss just like I'm feeling my own. Thank you for your kind words. It definitely helps knowing Leni is at a place where she is healthy and can breathe without any restrictions. That helps comfort me. You are in my thoughts and we will get through this pain together. Anytime you feel like you need to talk to someone, reach out on here to me.
Akm444

Registered:
Posts: 8
 #5 
DanC

It's hard to express just how grateful I am for your words. They were exactly what I needed to hear in this moment. And I think Leni had something to do with it. She knew I needed comfort and brought me to this message board so I could receive such supportive words from people like you. I am very sorry for your loss. And am thinking of you as you try to find healing, too. I'm sure our pets are playing together as we speak! Thank you for validating what I'm feeling and for letting me know that the best way to get through sadness is just to feel it and sit with it. Thank you for letting me know that better days are coming but that it's also okay and normal to take one step forward and two steps back while healing. I am deeply touched that you took time out of your day to offer your comforting words to a complete stranger. I kept reading and rereading what you wrote because every time I did, I felt more at peace with my emotions. I had a better day today because of your words. And I will remember them anytime i find myself riding the wave of grief. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

DanC

Registered:
Posts: 25
 #6 
Hi Akm444,

I’m happy to hear you are finding this forum to be just as helpful as I’m. We are all here for you and I like the thoughts of my cats playing with Leni. That warms my heart.

DanC
KatKat

Registered:
Posts: 101
 #7 
So sorry about your dear Leni.  You gave her so much love when you made the decision to not allow her to continue to suffer.  The loss of a pet leaves such a hole in our lives, this in itself tells us that we gave a lot of love and received alot back from our pet.  I hope my words and those of others on this site bring some comfort.  I hope your ability to talk about her in this forum as an expression of your grief and love for your pet helps you to start to heal.
Tobymom1

Registered:
Posts: 3
 #8 
I am so glad I found this forum with otherd feeling the same pain.  I lost my Toby, my baby, my love last Tuesday very suddenly with no warning.  He was my best friend and companion for 12 years and just died in the back yard. He was eating well, drinking water, pooping and seemed to be gaining weight, I thought with age as mini Schauzers have a tendency to do.  When the vet took an xray, he had a mass in his stomach pressing against his other organs. I don't know what stage of grief I am in, but I have so many reminders (it was just Toby and me and I'm 82 years old) that start me crying, blaming myselt, and so just wanting him back. Your responses to other posts are very helpful in letting me know I am not alone.
KatKat

Registered:
Posts: 101
 #9 
I'm so sorry about Toby.  I'm glad you found the forum too.  You are not alone.  Although it's normal to blame your self, it's not your fault.  Pets like people become ill and sometimes it's without warning or signs that would make you think something is wrong or out of the ordinary.  I'm sending a virtual hug to you.
Tobymom1

Registered:
Posts: 3
 #10 
Thank you for the virtual hug...I need major hugging!!  I have had other dogs that we have had to put down due to various health problems, but I have never encountered no symptoms and then sudden death.  Also, Toby was totally mine  (no other family members) and I'm having constant reminders since we had such a "daily rouitine" together. I always said, since I loved him so much, that I hoped he would go before me so I could mourn him, not him mourn me,  I'm hoping the pain will lessen with time.
KatKat

Registered:
Posts: 101
 #11 
Must be traumatic for you to have lost your dear Toby so suddenly.  You both were lucky to have each other - sounds like you both received wonderful companionship and loved each other very much.  Are there any pet bereavement groups where you live so you can physically be present with others who are going through what you are going through?  This will not totally alleviate your pain but may give you some comfort.  Hug to you.

-K
cosesmom

Registered:
Posts: 448
 #12 
Dearest Leni's mom,
I understand your pain and heart ache. I can feel the love in every word you wrote. I am so sorry that you had to let Leni go. You were her hero. You loved her unselfishly and gave her peace. I am sure she would have wanted to stay but father time caught up with her. It's so hard to watch them suffer and there is nothing you can do. Please, be gentle with yourself and cry as you feel the need. Tears are a way of saying how deeply you loved and were loved. In time you will be able to smile when you remember Leni. Sometimes with tears and a smile. Remember the journey that you shared with Leni. The pain will lessen and there will be good days but there will also be the days that will be rough.
I lost my beloved Termy over 19 months ago and I still cry but I also find myself remembering him, all of him. He had a heart murmur and was on medication and was doing great but then came the time he wouldn't eat or drink water. He lost 1/4 of his body weight over a six month span and nothing I did for weeks would entice him to eat. Father time caught up with too. His heart was in loving and staying with me but his body was to tired. I let him go September 18, 2017 and I miss every single day.
Do something to honor Leni, when your ready. I made a memorial garden with a flag that has his picture on it. Come here often, you will find love and comfort from all of us.
Love and doggie hugs
Termy's mom
Akm444

Registered:
Posts: 8
 #13 
Tobymom1

I am so sorry for your loss. I am also sending you a hug and love. KatKat is right. It's a normal part of grief to put blame on yourself, but please know it's not at all your fault. It was Toby's time and he was loved every single day of his life and still is so loved. You gave him that gift. I'm experiencing the same thing with the constant reminders from mine and Leni's daily routine. I'm so in the habit of our daily schedule. When you lose your pet, that schedule just comes to an abrupt stop and it makes you really feel the loss of your pet. It's going to take time to heal. But I'm right here with you. Taking it one step at a time. One breath at a time. We were so lucky to have these pets in our lives.
Akm444

Registered:
Posts: 8
 #14 
KatKat

Thank you so much for reaching out to me. She loved unconditionally, was my comfort during hard times, and brought the most joy to my life. She was pure magic. You're so right, this ache and pain just represents how strong our bond and love was. I'm so grateful that I found this forum and people like you that are so quick to offer support and loving words. It means so much.
Tobymom1

Registered:
Posts: 3
 #15 
KatKat & Atm444

Thank you so much for your kind words and much-needed hugs. This forum is helping so much by hearing from others who either are,or have been, going through the same or similar circumstances. The unconditional love our pets gave us is so missed and it really helps me to try to remember that I was so blessed to have my Toby for the 12 years I had him. At this time it doesn't help much but I hope, as I have said before, this pain will lessen in time and I can laugh and enjoy the fun times we had together.
KatKat

Registered:
Posts: 101
 #16 
To both of you, you are welcome.  So glad I am able to help even if it's just a little.   Just like any other support group we are all here because we need to connect with others who are going through or have gone through the same loss.  Who else understands to the same extent.  Doesn't matter what transpired it's the same - loss of a dear creature that we loved and shared our lives with.  Please know I'm thinking of all of you and I am also receiving comfort from all of you.  My heart is broken by my loss but also aches for everyone else who is feeling a loss.  I actually lost 2 pets on the same day but because 1 was so traumatic and unexpected that it overshadows my other loss.  If I could just turn back time..........
Napalmakita66

Registered:
Posts: 36
 #17 
Welcome Akm444, I guess you were brought here just as I was after losing my best friend one week ago. Thank you for sharing your story.
I'm certain , like all of us, that you did everything you could for your pup. I share your grief and know exactly what you mean when you say how empty and quiet your house is. I'm constantly looking around for my boy in his usual spots but he's not here anymore.
We can share here..your never alone. We should grieve in our own way..I cry often over my boys box of ashes and talk to him through my heart and tears. I've taken to reading and watching YouTube videos about animal soul journeys. My spiritual beliefs have helped although my boy isn't here and only time will ease that hurt. I have also committed to reading and responding to at least one of these posts each day. Maybe by sharing I can help someone else and that in turn will help me.
I'm truly sorry for your loss. We are animal lovers, pet parents...human beings that were given little angels to help us navigate this life. Stay in touch with friends and relatives..find people who support you and lean on them. And you can always email me.
Akm444

Registered:
Posts: 8
 #18 
Cosesmom

Thank you for your gentle and kind words. They brought tears to my eyes!! I'm so deeply sorry for your loss. I worry that later on in the future I'll start to forget certain qualities about Leni but after reading about your sweet Termy, it's comforting to know that you still remember all of him. I love the idea of a memorial garden. That warms my heart and is something that I will do :) Sending you love and healing.
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