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lja

Registered:
Posts: 3
 #1 
I am writing because I recently had to let my 13 year Jack Russell Baxter go. My son got Baxter when he got his first job out of college in Binghamton NY. He purchased him from a local breeder in Deposit NY. One year later he moved back to NJ and was not able to keep him. He got married and his wife was allergic to dogs. That being said Baxter joined our family which also included 2 yellow labs Elmo and Grover. We then had 3 loving dogs to take care of!!!!
Right from the beginning Baxter the little Jack Russel was the leader. He would play with Grover the younger of the two labs to the point where you could see in Grover's eyes o boy not again please stop I need a rest but Baxter had plenty of energy. Our other lab Elmo had cataracts and was not to active. Baxter also wanted to play with Elmo but Elmo gave Baxter one hit with his paw and that was the end no playing with Elmo so Grover it was. Over the years we had to put down Elmo and Grover for health reasons both lived long lives and died within a year of each other. Now Baxter or Baby B got all of our attention. Fast forward 7 years later last week Baxter was in the yard running and playing and then all of the sudden in laid down on the patio and was lethargic. I carried him in the house took him out 4 times during the night to see if he was getting better and nothing he would just lay down. I called the vet at am and brought him in. The vet looked at him ran some test and diagnosed him as having a ruptured spleen. We decided to operate. His spleen was ruptured, he also had nodules on his liver and blood in his abdomen. That was Friday afternoon the vet said he had a rough time during surgery and also needed blood transfusions and may be able to come home on Saturday. Well he wasn't doing to good and had to stay til Sunday. I picked him up on Sunday he ate very little but drank a lot of water. I would carry him outside to do his business and carry him back in. Monday morning our usual routine is to wake up at 5 am. let Baxter out which we did he was now walking on his own but wobbly he made it up the steps ate a little and laid down on his bed. I came home around 10 am to check on him took him out and he made #2 boy was I happy to see progress. Then while walking back home he collapsed, I picked him up he put his head back and I thought this was it. I carried him home and a few minutes later he was still wobbly but seemed alert. Fast forward to Tuesday at 5 am we all got up he stretched which is what he always did in the morning and my wife and I said its going to be a great day. My sons and wife checked on him every two hour he was walking sideways and falling down and drooling. I called the vet we brought him in and he said he may be having seizures and could give him meds which may or may not work and he did have a rough time in surgery. I thought of the worse we had to wait 4 days for the results which most likely were going to show cancer on his spleen and liver. I didn't want him to have a seizure at home during the night so I decide to say goodbye!!!!

3 days later the results came back negative!!! I feel so bad for making that decision and not trying the seizure medication which may have worked. I have been upset for a week and have never ever been this upset even when my relatives have passed. I always see him running in the yard, fetching the ball, laying on the bed and him always coming to me to be petted
KatKat

Registered:
Posts: 101
 #2 
I'm so sorry about Baxter.  You did what you thought was best for him.  You made your decision because you loved him and didn't want him to be in pain.  It's so difficult to loose a pet.  I hope your memories can also help you heal.  
DanC

Registered:
Posts: 25
 #3 
Hi Ija,

I’m so sorry to hear about your loss. You miss Baxter so much that you will double guess every decision so you could have spent more time with him. I lost my beloved cat, Nudge, due to congestive heart failure. His heart disease was not detected during his last vet visit, however, I questioned why I did not pick it, why I did not know. I was punishing myself. In hindsight, I’m now glad he passed from heart disease. We had to euthanize his brother 8 days ago after numerous health issues, including a major surgery, which is tough on the old body. Ever time he turned the corner another health issue would arise and it was finally time to say goodbye as his old body was tired. You gave Baxter a great life, but age took his body not you. You made the right decision for the spleen surgery, but the seizures were unforeseen. You do not know if the seizure meds would have worked or not. You do not know about the side effects. I honestly believe it was time for Baxter as he was starting to experience one major health issue after another. Seizures are extremely stressful and exhausting both on the brain and the body. Depending on the type and strength it could feel like running a half marathon. You made the decision based on what was best for Baxter, not yourself. That is all anyone can ask. You just want him back so bad that you are playing would’ve, could’ve should’ve game. The guilty emotion is lying to you. Guilt is when you made a decision with malice and to purposely cause harm. Your decision was made based on love, and in heart you knew something was wrong and did not want Baxter to suffer anymore. A true pet lover. You gave Baxter a great life and it just plains hurts so much as you miss him. Don’t add to your grief and overtime you will lift from this emotional fog and remember the great times you had with Baxter.
lja

Registered:
Posts: 3
 #4 
Thank You but is hard. Every time I see something in constantly reminds me of him
DanC

Registered:
Posts: 25
 #5 
Hi Ija,

I understand your pain and the overwhelming emotions you are currently feeling. Everyone on this forum has been there. Unfortunately, there is nothing anyone can say to reduce your pain, except it will slowly become more manageable. This will never lessen the love you had for Baxter or how you miss him. Grieving is a long road of processing your feelings. I hope overtime, you can reduce your guilt as you did nothing wrong, as old age is the reason you are without Baxter. Once again, I’m sorry for your loss and only time will help. One step, one day at a time. We are with you and support you in this forum.
lja

Registered:
Posts: 3
 #6 
Thanks everyone, its10 days and still am wondering where he would be today if I gave him the seizure meds. It’s not easy it’s teriible I feel so bad.
DanC

Registered:
Posts: 25
 #7 
Hi Ija,

My heart truly goes out to you. It has been almost 5 months since I lost my beloved Nudge. The guilt I held onto so tight and the obsession of playing the would’ve, should’ve, could’ve game has for the most part disappeared. However, at least once a day, I will be performing some kind action around the house that will bring up a memory of Nudge. The memory doesn’t result in the crying as it once did, but rather I just mist up and I feel a pit in my stomach as I miss him so dearly. I guess, that brief pain is reminder of the unconditional love we once shared.

I was a complete mess for a few weeks after I lost him and overtime I eventually adapted, unconsciously, to the new normal of living without him. I have more good days than bad days and I honestly don’t remember the first few days or even a couple of weeks after I lost him as I was in an emotional fog. We had to euthanize him on a Saturday. I used to count the days, then weeks since I lost him. Eventually, I lost track of weeks and now I have to think how many months it has been. However, my heart and brain will always remember him. The memories are fond, and the feeling of pain reduces each time. But the love is just as strong.

I do believe it will become easier as you adapt unconsciously to the new normal. Miss you and love you buddy. Take care of Baxter!
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