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Piglet

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Posts: 4
 #1 
We had to put our Pug "Piggy" down last Tuesday.

Even as a pup she had severe digestive "issues".  I began using homeopathy with her which always alleviated her pain or nausea/vomiting.  She learned to come to me when she wasn't feeling well because she knew I'd give her something that made her better.

Periodically, she would vomit up a whole days worth of food - undigested.  You could always see the discomfort in her eyes and face.  But, the homeopathics always pulled her through.

This past January, she developed colitis.  We got her through the first bout - the vet gave medicine - but it returned within 2 weeks after her first round of meds.  The second time she got past this, but began having other symptoms.  Her digestive upsets became worse until she began hawking terribly.  The vet gave her meds again which relieved the hawking and for 2 weeks she was without any symptoms, then the hawking started again.  She had a barium test and we found she had megaesophagus, her pyloric valve didn't work properly - not allowing the food to move from her stomach into the small intestine and there was a "lump" pushing against this valve.  She was put on meds again to coat the esophagus and stomach trying to prevent or heal any irritation or ulceration that might be there.  She recovered for about 2 weeks and then relapsed again.  This last time she spit up some blood, just a small amount but it was still blood.  The next day she went off her food and spent 3 hours pacing almost franctically until I gave her some Rescue Remedy to try and calm her down, which it did.  Her hind legs were giving out (as she also was beginning to have neurological symptoms) and she couldn't hold herself up, she'd fall over, she couldn't sit properly.  The vet thought she might also have myasthenia gravis.  By the time we got her to the vet she had calmed down somewhat, but still wasn't eating.

We could see that she was getting so much worse and rapidly.  Then my husband found a black stool and we knew she was bleeding internally - probably from stomach.

We had been trying to come to terms with euthanasia because each relapse was worse than the one before and she never seemed to be feeling well even when she had no obvious symptoms.  This last Tuesday, after her going off food, pacing, and bloody stool we decided to take her in to the vet to discuss whether we should keep trying or put her down.  The vet told us "she has so many things wrong with her" so we decided the best for her would be to put her down.

As soon as we made this decision I just checked out.  Became numb.  I couldn't talk to her, couldn't look at her, couldn't hold her.  I just sat there unable to process what was happening to our baby girl.
The vet gave her a pre-euthanasia shot.  My husband held her.  I looked away until finally I was able to look at her - take her head in my hands and told her I loved her.  Her eyes were fixated on me, full of confusion and fear. 

I couldn't make her better anymore, and I couldn't tell her this. 

Now, I'm in a living hell.  I wasn't there when she needed me the most.  I can't hold her now and tell her how much I love her.  I can't just hold her anymore.   I CAN'T FIX THIS and I'm lost.  I just want 5 minutes with her to tell her how much I love her.  How I couldn't make her better anymore.  How we were doing this because we didn't want her suffering to go on.  I can't do this.  I've even momentarily wished I were dead so I could find her and tell her this.  (No, I'm not suicidal.)  I just don't know what to do.  I'm filled with so much pain and guilt.  Nothing, absolutely nothing is helping.  The pain is overwhelming.  Could we have done more?  I don't think so, but I still wonder.........I'm 72 years old and have never felt pain like this.  I'm just lost.

Cosmosmom

Registered:
Posts: 2
 #2 
Tight hugs to you, please don’t blame yourself, you did everything you could for your precious baby, it’s such a hard decision , if only we didn’t have to make it, she knew she was so loved, I know exactly how you feel( and so do all the supportive people on here) I had to make that decision for my Cosmo , a 10& 1/2 year old sweet puggle on April first, my heart has been ripped out, I just exist from day to day , tomorrow it will be a month , I try to think of all the good times we had , the only thing that can help I think is time & we can’t hurry that ....I am 70 years old & I to have never felt such pain ,
Piglet

Registered:
Posts: 4
 #3 
thank you so much for your kindness.  I too am living day to day, sometimes hour to hour.  But, you were there with her when she died and I emotionally checked out - couldn't give her what she needed in that moment and that's what's tearing me apart.  I can't go back and fix it.  She'll never again hear me telling her how much I love her and how sorry I am that I just went completely numb.  She didn't deserve that.  I can't hold her anymore or shoo her out of the kitchen.
My friend says it's a "process" which diminishes this so utterly.
Holly1

Registered:
Posts: 2
 #4 
I feel your pain... I too had to say goodbye to my sweet girl (13) last week and are overcome by grief for not being there when she needed me the most! I got to say goodbye to her and tell her how much I loved her and that I was going to miss her terribly but I just couldn’t bear to watch her take her last breath thankfully my husband was with her but she was my girl and I should have been there she would of been so scared and confused.
I wish also that I could go back and be strong enough to hold her big boofy head in my arms and hold her tight and tell her it is ok. We have another girl( 11) who is missing her like crazy also and that breaks my heart even more. I constantly look at her photos and videos and it does bring a little comfort but then I’ll walk somewhere in the house and remember her and the tears start flowing all over again. I have had to say goodbye to 2 other fur babies and although it broke my heart too it is nothing in comparison to the heartache I am feeling now. It has to get easier it just has too!
Cosmosmom

Registered:
Posts: 2
 #5 
I couldn’t stay with my baby till the end...I just couldn’t... I was with him after the first shot to relax him , when the vet came in I had to leave so many regrets , tears are flowing again , I hope & pray that it will get easier one day
Piglet

Registered:
Posts: 4
 #6 
I was there in the room.  I just went emotionally gone - just checked out.  I couldn't do anything but sit there.  I couldn't hold her or talk to her or love her.  I couldn't tell her that she was dying and we didn't want her to suffer. 

I pray it becomes easier as well.  I'm not sure it ever will get better.
Thank you so much for letting me know I'm not alone in this.
KatKat

Registered:
Posts: 101
 #7 
So sorry for the loss of your sweet pet.  You were there and she knew it and I know she felt comforted.  We  all deal with these type of things in different ways.  It appears the pain was so great that "you checked out" in order to deal with it.  
Piglet

Registered:
Posts: 4
 #8 
thank you.  I've finally come to terms (somewhat) with checking out, but I truly appreciate your kind words.
KatKat

Registered:
Posts: 101
 #9 
You're welcome.  
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