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Goodname

Registered:
Posts: 17
 #1 
Did anyone else feel suicidal after their pet died? Today I really wanted to end my life. It's just insane I know. I'm not going to but I really wanted to and if there had been a pill you can take that instantly takes your life I would have swallowed it.

My telephone broke and I broke down sobbing because it has photos of my Puggy on it and it was just too much.



What I believe is that I invested so much love into my dog and avoided dealing with pain that was already there by being focused on her all the time. All the grief coming out is for her but it's also other issues that I am unable to change.

I feel sad about all kinds of things right now. And most of all I'm grieving the loss of my darling one and feeling it now at Christmas. I am making a decision to choose life, to try really hard not to ask too much of other people. To just accept that she's gone.  Take a break for Christmas.


My heart goes out to anyone else who feels like this. Has anyone else gone to that dark place of wanting to end it all? I know it's crazy and I'm not going to but I feel so alone and desperate right now.

pogosmom

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Posts: 216
 #2 
Goodname,

I never felt suicidal, but the pain of losing Pogie was unbearable.  You sound like you have a lot going on right now on top of the Christmas holiday.  When you feel up to it, please tell us all about your baby.  There are a lot of people here who can help you immensly by just "listening".  Then at some point, you too will heal by helping others with newer losses.  

Talking to us about you furkid and telling of their tales and such is helpful and allows you to honor their life.  

Try to hang in there and involve yourself in tonight's candlelight ceremony at 10:00 EST.  It really will help, and you won't be alone.

Get through the night and try to enjoy what you can of your trip.  It doesn't mean you will forget your baby.  It will be 7 years on Christmas day that Pogo went to the bridge, and not a day goes by that I don't think of him.

What you are feeling now is natural.  Please surround yourself with others who understand your loss.

Your baby wouldn't want you to be so hurting.

Merry Christmas,

Pogosmom


MeAndTheGirlies

Registered:
Posts: 497
 #3 
Dear Goodname,
  Yes,  I have felt suicidal...and like you my grief is for the passing of my Ellie...but I never properly grieved for my divorce and I had to 'get on with things' when Beatrice passed (she was older and was having the seizures as well and finally had one that ended her life while she was at home with me.  You spared your Puggy that)...so the grief was compounded with the loss of many things and with the fact that Winnie is older and when she goes my whole life will be changed..it is like a death in and of itself...I'll have to start over again and figure out what I am now going to do with my life.
  It is a dark and sad place...with many lessons to be learned and opportunity for emotional and spiritual growth...I just hope I am up to the task.
  You are not alone in feeling lonely.  Many of us do....it comes and goes and seems unbearable when we are feeling it...I actually wrote myself a note after Ellie first passed to remind myself that I didn't always feel bad that there were moments that weren't horrible...because when you feel that way you can't remember feeling good.
  It is a process and you are early in it...you will find moments of peace.

MeAndTheGirlies
teemix

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Posts: 345
 #4 
Goodname, I totally understand how you are feeling as I have been there most of my life. Today has been really hard on me, the holidays usually are harder for people that are thinking about missing something they love and all that goes with the holidays. You are supposed to be happy...because that is what everyone is telling you to be. You know Merry Christmas and all. People dont realize how hard this time of the year is especially if you are in the middle of grieving and in pain. Its been almost 2 years since I lost my horse, Tee (you can read some of my past post to see how hard of a time I had and am still having over his death) and I am having a really hard time tonight. I dont have family close to me so I am alone in the house. My 'friends' are all doing family things or going to parties that I was excluded from (I used to be invited to this party but after my brother killed his self I was never invited again as the person giving it says since my brother died the way he did I am a sinner too. (I dont believe Sucide is a sin, God has forgiven my brother) But I am excluded because of what he did and ignored. So I sit here alone and in pain wondering why I stay here in this world. I would love to join Tee and be with him again, but something keeps me from ending it.

I know your pain is great over losing your baby, then to have your husband not inculde you in what he is doing hurts too. I cant give you any advice as I dont know how to make it better, but just know you are not alone in feeling the way you do.

I am not looking forward to tomorrow like so many are, I know it will just be another day for me...nothing special...I wish I could just sleep for the next 30-40 hours and wake up on Thursday and go back to work. Being alone and being shunned hurts too much. I thought I would at least be invited to my neighbors for lunch or something as they say I am like family to them (I have known them for over 45 years) but I have not been invited over and that hurts too. I understand Christmas is for the birth of Christ but it does hurt not to be able to share it with someone. When Tee was alive at least I have him to fuss over and make a special treat for. Now I have nothing.

Good luck to you and again I am so sorry for your loss of Puggy she sounds so special.

Julie, Tee's mom
Goodname

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Posts: 17
 #5 
Thank you so much for your kindness, understanding and wisdom. I will try my best to enjoy the Christmas break and to know this will pass. I hope you are doing ok and I want you to know how much all the kind words have been helping.
Goodname

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Posts: 17
 #6 
Teemix what a terrible experience.  I'm so sorry. Just awful.
Les

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Posts: 282
 #7 
I think many of us feel that wasy. It always hurts to lose anyone you are close to, and that includes are pets. 

What I told myself after the loss of each one, was that since they weren't here to watch over me, I was going to take care of myself so they wouldn't worry about me. I also forced myself to do one thing a week for me, for example going to a movie. 

I would take your phone back to the wireless company and see if they can recover the photos. They might be able to. 

Please come here as often as you need to (and use the chat room as well.) Please take care of yourself. If this continues, please go see a Dr. 

lindaw

Registered:
Posts: 301
 #8 
Goodname.....I'm sorry for the loss and pain you're suffering right now. I know all to well the pain you're feeling. It's one of the worse hurts we experience.
I lost my Crackerjack, calico cat, in September and this Christmas season has been especially hard on me.
Please know you're not alone. So many caring people who share the pain and tears with you and are always available to help you.
I pray comfort for you in the days ahead.

Macy and Cracker's mom...Linda
nammi_nammi

Registered:
Posts: 106
 #9 
I'm sorry to hear what you've been going through, Goodname.  I'm not so sure I've exactly been in that place; but 3 weeks ago I lost my entire home and 10 cats to a housefire (2 were POSSIBLY seen escaping out a broken window and can't find them - the other 8 were found dead under my couch where they had hidden), and I have to say I've had thoughts about how at least if I were dead I'd be feeling nothing rather than this pain and grief.  I know, it's not something I'm actually going to do, but you just want relief from it.  I know the pain fades with time, but at the moment while it's so intense, it truly is hard.  Especially now around Christmas.  Last night with family here at the parents' where my husband, son, and I are staying, I had to make a quick escape to sob for awhile.  Just didn't feel like Christmas and keep thinking about my beloved pets I miss so much.  We are expected to be happy this time of year, plus so much to do creating extra stress.  We didn't do much Christmas this year, and it's certainly hard to be happy.  All you can do is smile and say "Merry Christmas" back and trudge on.  My thoughts are with you right now, and I'm always available if you need someone to talk to.  I've had a few online friends who have been a great help just by messaging me - responding also gives me something to do while I'm displaced and so out of sorts right now.  It helps to talk with someone who understands.  Take care.  And how hard that must be, teemix, to be excluded by family and friends at this time of year when you need them most.  It sounds as if you're having a very difficult time, too.  And I definitely understand how you feel about Christmas.  I was going to get my Sweets a new kitty pole for Christmas because his other was so torn up - I kept putting off buying one, saying I would get it for him for Christmas.  I hate to have favorites, but he held a really special place in my heart, and I'm really grieving him hard.  It's hard because my kitties were all healthy, 2 not even 4 years old yet, Shimmer's 3 kittens not 5 til April.  It's hard to understand why they were taken this way.  I don't get it.  I still see my Sweets just hours before this happened as well as various others - looking out the window or playing...  My heart is with you as you try to get through this Christmas.  It will be over soon, and yeah, then New Year's festivities next week to deal with...  =/  If it helps in any way just know I care and keeping all of you in my thoughts.          
Zoe

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Posts: 5
 #10 
Dear Goodname

I know how you feel... I felt like this just few days ago, after my beloved cat died... this year was crazy for me, I lost 4 cats, 2 of them in our house and other 2 in my parents home, I spend many years with that cats before I got married and adopted my own cats... I do feel guilt that I did something wrong or didn't do something I could do for my cats, I feel tired from loosing them and knowing that it's a part of life and I can't change it. I feel heartbroken that I was worried about other stupid small things, but my cats were still in good health and I didn't know how happy I really am... so 6 days ago after my another cat died (she was a queen of our cat family) I felt suicidal too... because I felt so empty, guilty, tired and helpless... I know it's wrong and I would not do it, but it just hurts so much that you want to stop it... then I start to think about my other cats I still have, I have now more 12 cats, some with special needs... they need me, if not me, who will take care of them, who will give meds, buy special diet of pay for vet? They really keep me here, I don't have right to give up because of them!

I still feel very bad, because my cat is dead and I am still here, I can sleep, eat, walk and she can't do it any more, especially it hurts because she was very sick just for last 48 hours of her life and was full of life all other time, even when she started to get health issues in last 2 years... I know it's normal to have this feelings, but it doesn't make my pain less
Susie65

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Posts: 36
 #11 
I wouldn't say that I have felt suicidal as that would imply a desire to actively do something to harm myself. but more just a feeling that I could not go on living.. and yet somehow when I've been at my lowest, I seem to be able to dig deep and go on.  The loss of my precious and most beloved GSD, Zorro who left me October 4, 2013 at 13.5 has kind of hit harder the last week.. he was so intensely a part of my life, I only spent one Xmas without him when I had to fly east to be with dad before he passed away.  I don't know how but maybe the grace of god, we do go on.. I hope that your pain and sorrow lessons and that we all can find the peace that we need in our hearts and that someday the tears will end.
kamc22

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Posts: 1,835
 #12 
Goodname, I've never felt actually suicidal over losing a furred one (or maybe I did but repressed it?).  It's one thing to wish oneself out of this kind of pain, and another to take active steps.  That said, I think suicide is not a sin and makes good sense in cases of, for example, painful and terminal illness with no hope of recovery.  Not everyone agrees with me, no offense is intended to anyone. 

But right now I am down to one cat, which is the lowest number in 28 years.  Julian's the last one, details of his serious condition are in "Horrible Weekend".  He was doing so well, but this week is suddenly eating way less and I fear the news is not good.  If it comes to pass, I'll have to try really hard to not say to someone at the vet's office "I don't want to wake up tomorrow morning."  I've been thinking like this ever since his big surgery September 23. 

I know that I don't want to wake up in a house with no kitties at all, to be so totally without love in my daily life.  They have been my family, invariably cute and loving, unlike a lot of humans I've encountered.

Part of it is that I match the demographic of people who do the worst upon losing a beloved furred one:  I'm an older person who lives alone. I'm pretty sure that they are watching me closely, the staff at the veterinary office: I've had five kitties put to sleep there in the past 11 years, now there's only one. We give them so much love and attention and they return it, so naturally it becomes a very strong and loving relationship.  To lose that.....

You're not overreacting nor having pathological thoughts, don't worry about that, the pain of a loss like this is one of the worst you'll ever feel.  The world looks so bleak to you now, but eventually it won't hurt like it does now.

Sorry this got so long, now it will get even longer.  Possibly you sent some pictures from your phone to other people.  If they saved them (as I've saved easily 100 from a cyberfriend), they could send those back to you- and you could download them to your computer and a disc.  And I do know there are data recovery services for computers, so maybe there is also such a service for phones.
Ajay

Registered:
Posts: 23
 #13 
Dear Goodname,

Firstly you're not crazy, the first 2 weeks after having put to sleep my dog of 16 years I couldn't understand how he could be gone and I was still here. I was guilt ridden by having had to make the decision to put him to sleep and later felt that it was the wrong decision, effectively driving myself insane.

I'm not a religious person and have few spiritual beliefs but I take comfort in that after my grandad passed away 6 years ago he's no longer alone now and neither is my pup, I think that they're both keeping each other company until someday it'll be my time and I join them. It helps me fall asleep when I visit that place in my head and imagine them both together finally free of pain and suffering.
HILODAVE

Registered:
Posts: 87
 #14 
Goodname, I think that if I went to the doc and he told me I had some horrible disease and had 6 months to live, I would probably smile.  Life without my Desi has become so meaningless that I feel that the end of it would be OK with me.  

Now, i was raised Catholic and the nuns at school taught us that anyone who commits suicide goes to Hades forever.  And what if there is a Hades, and what if it means an eternity of the pain we are currently going through?!  I don't believe those teachings any more, but just because I don't believe them doesn't mean they may not be true!  So that keeps me slogging on through life.

I do feel that our uphill climb to survive the loss of our beloved animals may not be so awful as time goes on.  I have heard that from other survivors.  Also, whatever actions we can take ourselves to help other animals or other human beings may help us shed some of this agony.

I sure hope I don't sound preachy.  I too am dealing with darkness and desperation and I really appreciate your honesty in sharing how you feel.  To know I am not alone and that I there is a community of us out there keeps the worst of the despair at bay.  All my best thoughts to you!

Dave

 
MeAndTheGirlies

Registered:
Posts: 497
 #15 
HILODAVE:  I so saw myself in your first statement...even to the point off 'fantasizing' about such a situation and I do have a smile on my face as I think about it....I picture the Dr's face when I say "Really!" with enthusiasm and not dread.
That being said..I too hang in there..I am hoping that at some point even if I am living with this pain still that maybe I can do something worthwhile with the time I have left..(right now I do take care of my last elderly dog ,Winnie)...when she passes, all my Girlies will be gone...the first time in almost 30 years that there won't be anyone but me....I hope some purpose presents itself...or I can figure one out..otherwise the future looks very grim.

MeAndTheGirlies
LynnRowe

Registered:
Posts: 158
 #16 
If we were to play the If Game...

If I were given the choice of leaving this world right this second to be reunited with my himmy-cat Woo for eternity, versus remaining in this world with anything I wanted except Woo, I wouldn't be here to write this post. Woo and I would already be running happily together.

But he has gone on ahead and left me behind. The only choice I now have is to carry on until someday I catch up with him. Suicide, imo, would mean my never having any chance at all of ever being with him again.

Maybe I never will be, maybe dead is just dead.

But I'm not willing to risk any chance of being with him again. My life without him is not a happy one, not the life I want, but I will do the best I can to get on with it, to accept that my heart has gone with him, and to live with the hope that one day we will be together again.

Losing a loved one hurts, and changes us and our world forever. Thankfully this is a place where we all truly do know and understand the pain of our loss(es). One foot ahead of the other, one day at a time. We owe our babies that. Better for us to be left behind and hurting, than for them to be.

{{{hugs}}}

scruffysmom

Registered:
Posts: 435
 #17 

Dearest Goodname,
Now is the time, during all this sadness and adversity you are facing, to count your blessings. Suicide is extreme, and although the overwhelming sadness feels like sometimes it will choke you to death, it does get better.

Do you have family? A friend or someone to talk to? If not, message me, come to the board, or get some help somewhere. It may seem hopeless right now, but I swear, time will help you. I got so crazy after Gimli died in his accident I laid on his grave all night in the freezing cold.

I know how the pain and hurt can blind you but please don't do anything you can't take back. The last thing I mean to do is sound harsh, but you are here for a reason and we go through this for a reason. Your loss is so hard, believe me, I know as do all the others  here.

Be kind to yourself. You are in my prayers.

Bev

MissStormy

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Posts: 1
 #18 
I know this is an old thread but you put into words how I was feeling in a way I could not.

"What I believe is that I invested so much love into my dog and avoided dealing with pain that was already there by being focused on her all the time. All the grief coming out is for her but it's also other issues that I am unable to change."

This really gave me something to focus on to help me with my own grief.

Thank you.

I hope you are well.
cyberghostx13

Registered:
Posts: 411
 #19 
I am also late to this thread, but I am a new member here. My Rockie passed 8 days ago and I am still pretty low most of the time, however this site has helped quite a lot. I think many of us might have a thought about ending it all, but the right thing to do is to live on, to live your life and bring your great memories [image]  (of loved one passed) along for the ride. Bye for now.
unprodigal

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Posts: 33
 #20 
Yes, I did and do feel suicidal. Of course, there's so much more we must be dealing with here, too. 

Even if I feel this way as well, I encourage you not to give up on life. Please be aware that we are all here to give you support even if we are perfect strangers. 

In a way, it is nice to see so many people that, even in so much pain, are willing to give support and love. 

We are all in this together. Please never forget that. And, even if I have no idea who you are, I can feel your deep pain and I'm here for you. Love. 
kamc22

Registered:
Posts: 1,835
 #21 
Yes, I have felt suicidal right after losing one of my cat angels.  But I never actually made plans to do it, you know- laying in a supply of pills, buying a pistol, making plans to drive into a cement wall at high speed, etc.  The closest I ever came was to say that I didn't care if I woke up in the morning or not.  Here I am writing to you, obviously I kept on waking up uneventfully... with a broken heart like you have.

It's understandable why we would feel like this: we just lost one of the most perfect kinds of love we will ever know in this world.  Our furred ones don't have an agenda, they don't argue or criticize things like our hair, our clothes, our friends, our housekeeping, etc.  They love us just as much as we love them... and are usually cuter than the humans that we know, too.  

There is a *huge* difference between thinking about suicide in the early days of a loss and having that thought linger for days or weeks.  It's one thing to feel there's nothing more to live with, which is understandable right after such a terrible loss- and quite another to begin plotting about how to end your life and laying in the materials that you need to do it.

Give yourself some time.  It won't always hurt like this;  I've gone through it a number of times, it does get better, maybe it takes weeks, but the world won't always look as black as it does to you in your early grieving.

an4rew

Registered:
Posts: 58
 #22 
yes, i felt suicidal both times i lost my cats. i just wanted the pain to end and to be with them.
the thought of leaving my other pets stopped me going through with it, i felt stuck that i could not leave.
maybe this was a good thing in the long run, the pain does ease enough to be able to continue living.
in the midst of grief it is hard to see this.
sbf20112011

Registered:
Posts: 12
 #23 
I didn't feel suicidal in the sense that I actually had any inclination to kill myself, but I did have the feeling that death would be a relief. I also worried that I was going to feel the way I was feeling in the first couple of days until I died, and that seemed like an unbearably long way away. I was definitely wrong about the last part -- six weeks later and I don't feel awful all the time, though I definitely still miss my dog and cry over her here and there. It is so hard.
AdamtheJR01

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Posts: 39
 #24 
The feeling of loss, emptiness, and how I carry on without my mate was going through my mind, the first couple of days of grieving.

Thankfully, I know the hurt it would bring to family and friends, if I was to take my life.   Although, its painful to lose my cherished little mate, he would expect me to continue on with my life.

I am slowly coming through the otherside, just under a week since he left this/my world.   I still miss him dearly, but the physical and mental anguish is starting to be relieved now.   

I am still not sleeping well, but my appetite is returning to normal.

All I can say, is that pain and grieve does eventually get released, and you start remembering all the good times with your best little mate.


cakes488

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Posts: 114
 #25 
I am very depressed and would be suicidal if I didn't have other pets that depend on me.
cwbraves

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Posts: 217
 #26 
Yes, I feel that way right now. It's only been 3 days since I lost my Nellie. She was my whole family. There is no one else who needs me or would miss me. I know exactly how you feel.
cyberghostx13

Registered:
Posts: 411
 #27 
Well for me the fact of the matter is all about getting to Heaven eventually(Hopefully). I'm not Catholic, I'm a Methodist, but seems to that suicide may be a deal breaker to admission. However, If God said to me, "I'll take you right now" I would go. Since shock and denial have worn off, I'm left with extreme loneliness and depression. I really don't care about much, and I have to force myself to eat and shower. Sleep hasn't been a problem as it's where there is a possibility I can visit with Rockie in my dreams, Since I don't share an afternoon nap with Rockie anymore listening to my "Smooth" playlist from my iTunes library, I'm also more tired at bedtime. Life post-Rockie has been very lonely, depressing, and lackluster. Music and movies have helped a little. Tough Time marches on. Bye for now.
cwbraves

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Posts: 217
 #28 
I feel the same way - I can't be bothered to eat, shower, or get dressed. Unfortunately, I don't feel the same way about sleeping. I'm afraid to dream about my Nellie - I think it would be too hard. I take a sleeping pill at night just to avoid dreaming. Then, when I get up, I find myself dragging through the day, just waiting until it's time to go back to sleep. Even though I am Catholic, if I could be guaranteed I would be reunited with Nellie in heaven, I'd beg to go now.
rememberingroxy

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Posts: 227
 #29 
Hi everyone,

I want to say that you all have been a tremendous support system for me. I realize that I don't know your circumstances, but I can say that your beloved pets would be proud of you and how much you've given of yourself to them, and to each of us.

I keep praying for peace and hope for all of us, wherever we are in this journey.

N. Mae
Cheers to you, Roxy.
kamc22

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Posts: 1,835
 #30 
Thank you on behalf of all of us, Roxy!  Presumptuous of me, perhaps to speak for everybody- but this is a serious subject and shows just how painful losing a loved furred one is.

After my  post of 1/11/16- I discovered I'd already replied back on Christmas Day, 2013!  Completely forgot about it. I'm intrigued that both of my replies have such similarity. It looks as if part of me knew what lay ahead: my Julian cat died 15 days later.  It was a very good passing for him, "Julian Is in Heaven" gives details.  I got the most incredible amount of support then, there are so many wonderful people on this board.  The loss was very hard for me who loves him so much.

I heard of one man who actually did suicide after losing his dog, was told about it easily 7 or more years ago so am foggy now on details.  It happened in a very small coastal town in Northern California.  The man was an alcoholic and hanged himself on the stage at the front of the church or community hall where many events were held.  A woman who lived in that town told us; people were shaking their heads, about all I said was "Poor man." It looked to me like the other people thought he was overreacting, not that anybody said nor implied such a thing (I could be wrong!), but I could see how that could happen, especially to someone who already has major problems. It's speculative on my part, but the dog may have been the only one who loved him, or the only one that he loved.  He may have just been surviving, so with the dog gone, there was no further reason to live.  Likely he  stoked himself with alcohol to do the deed.  But he simply could not live without his dog.  

I personally don't think the man was weak or cowardly; I think he felt the loss just enough worse than we on this message board have felt our losses, that it tipped him over the edge.  Sometimes it's a very thin line between surviving and not.  

Thank goodness for Ed W. and this message board and all the moderators, and all the people who come here. We could be throwing lifelines to each other and not even realize it.  :)




AmberMarie

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Posts: 5
 #31 
Yes, I know exactly how you feel. And I am so sorry you are feeling like this, it is hell. 2 days ago, my Angel, Tabbie Mae passed away in a horrible accident that was ultimatley my fault. Since then, I have been constantly thinking about all the things I will miss about her, and also of all things she has been robbed of because of me. I feel like I dont deserve anything. Not to breathe, eat, drink, sleep, anything. After all, I took these rights away from my innocent baby girl, accidently, so why should I be able to go on??? She was my world. Now she is not here. I know how you feel, im sending you healing thoughs and prayers in this extremely difficult time <3
susan58

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Posts: 86
 #32 
Feeling that exact same way right now!  My Chelsea died on January 9th and I have no idea how I will be able to go on without her ....
Nicolecocoa

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Posts: 75
 #33 
This is my first holiday without her. I cannot get out of the coulda woulda stage it's has been replaying since April when she passed. My dog passed naturally and yes as I'd rather that than taking it into my own hands - it wasn't expected and I made the life destroying choice to go get her soup and left her for 30 min- I could of brought her and I didn't - I wanted her to rest and she died. I force myself to go on living but every day I struggle with this choice- I always felt like a good person until the day I made the choice that ruined our lives if only I was there -! And the day before she wouldn't eat her Medici e and I remember crying to her and feeling disappointed. I did everything for her and why I made the awful choice not to be there when she passed if I wouldn't of left her ever then this wouldn't of happened. How did she get sick we beat so many problems and I did everything and in the end why why why did she pass without me- I'm so sick and hurt when I hear people say well my dog wasn't alone- I was with my dog all the time I didn't even work this past year so I could be with her. I took a break and it ruined our lives - getting chicks. Noodle soup. How can someone die in 30 min - my heart is broken and what sucks is I'm still yoUng so I might be stuck living a good deal longer and I don't want too
Boys_mom

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Posts: 154
 #34 
Dear Nicolecocoa,

I have been on this site regularly since March of this year. My baby passed in November 2015. I have had the opportunity to read many of your posts over the past months and I know you have suffered terrible guilt. I have tremendous guilt also. I think that we both have experienced a lot of guilt because we were in charge of our sick loved ones care and we feel horribly responsible for the poor outcome (death). I wish I had words to make the burden of guilt disappear but I don't. Like you, I wish life would end but I keep going because I do not want to destroy my husband's life by taking my own Similarly, you must keep going for the sake of your child.

I know this is not an uplifting message. All I can hope for is that this note lets you know you are not alone.

Wishing you comfort and strength,

Boys_mom
Nicolecocoa

Registered:
Posts: 75
 #35 
Thank you so much boys mom- I don't go in here much anymore but with the holidays I started falling downhill- you have been one of the kindest people writing me on here and always making me feel like it wasn't my fault and at least trying to help me out of this terrible tunnel of guilt. She was my first dog and maybe I really thought if I take care of her she would live so long 13.5 years I guess is considered ling but in my eyes if I never allowed anytbi g to happen to her shed live forever sounds messed up- and then add that to the fact I wasn't there I start thinking omg I let her die when the reality was I checked on her I had just gotten her new medicine I myself was suffering from panic attacks that would come and go and I took a break and wanted to get her soup with my 2 yr old son who I hardly saw at the time due to my husband and mes custody battle - she was sick I wanted a break I hated seeing her sick - she wasn't falling down she was walking on her own- I felt in my heart well she sick don't leave her but the other part of me was so stressed and sick I needed a break and thought if we leave and get her soup she will rest - it was 30 min I had TV on for her , steamer air purifiers. And when I came back I knew it was the biggest mistake I ever made. I just wanted her to rest.... She was walking she wasn't falling. Over she wasn't gasping how could she just die. But I want to say to you that whatever guilt you are feeling just couldn't be possible as you are one of the kindest people with the kind compassion you have shown me. You are a great person and if there is a god (hopefully) he or she is smiling knowing that you've taken your pain and helped others and I'm sure in my heart your baby is watching too. Thank you for being a good person.
Boys_mom

Registered:
Posts: 154
 #36 
Dear Nicolecocoa,

Thank you for your kind words. I know the holidays will be diffult. I hope you have some moments of joy as you celebrate the season with your precious child.

Take care,
Boys_mom
highteaandespresso

Registered:
Posts: 1
 #37 
I'm struggling right now over my dog who had to be put to sleep at age 5...he had terminal cancer but I didn't find out about it until too late. It was fast and shocking and I'm haunted. It's been 4 months and I don't know how to cope. Sometimes I think I can't go on.
Shell622

Registered:
Posts: 1
 #38 
ForgottenSoul......Your post broke my heart. I am so sorry for what happened. I can't imagine the pain and I hope that time will help. I came on this site for support but realized that you need a friend more than I do right now. I know you're probably beating yourself up right now and must be just devastated. Please don't give up on your life. You loved your dog so much and didn't know what was going on. It's an innocent mistake. I promise you that there are plenty of people that also feel hopeless, too, that could use a friend like you. Please talk to someone. I'm not ashamed to say that I see a counselor for my grief. Without her, I don't think I could get through the pain. Find someone you can trust and that truly cares about you. It might take trying out a few people before you find the right one.Just take a day at a time. I wish you all the best. :)
Boys_mom

Registered:
Posts: 154
 #39 
Dear highteaandespresso,

I am so sorry you lost your beloved dog to cancer. I lost my precious one to cancer too. Please do not be hard on yourself. There are many stories on this site about animals having very aggressive cancers. Like you, I was still really suffering 4 months after the death. Sometime close to the 5 month mark I went to a counselor who specialized in pet loss and it did help reduce the feelings of suicide.

Please know you are not alone. Guilt is frequently a part of losing a pet. You will see feelings of guilt and regret throughout this website. In case you are interested, this site also has a chat room available.

Wishing you comfort, peace, and strength,
Boys_mom
orcalyne

Registered:
Posts: 1
 #40 
I put down my cat three days ago. we were fighting with CRF and for the last three months every day my husband and I were at hospital, he had 7 injections a day. on monday, I think I had enough- he was yowling and hiding somewhere, new habits that I did not just understand. as usual we went and came back from hospital but he continued yowling. I thought : vets are just giving him pain, he doesnt get any better, so why not put him to sleep. we went back to hospital, the night responsable vet agreed, we did it. we had already lost our 17 year old cat a month ago, so we buried him near her.

and that was the day I died. I didnt realize.ı woke up the next morning with panic. what did I do? my husband went yesterday to check if he can be alive.. I mean we are dying. I am dying. I put down to sleep my life that day. that night I put to sleep a much more valuable thing than me. ı put down to sleep my hopes, my joy, my mornings, my evenings, my home, my breath....... he was the center of my life, that thing, my cat. he didnt deserve a death like that. he didnt expect it from me. all he gave me was love and in return, death in rush. ı am crying now, sometimes ı cant cry, ı just sit. this house is not my home, ı want my cat back, ı want a second chance. everybody deserves a second chance for one mistake. or if not given this chance, I want to make sure that our souls will live after our deaths, that I ll go and apologize and hug and smell my cat...
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