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Posts: 17
^^ those are all words people described Penny as.

They forgot; loyal, beautiful, rescued and mine.
She was mine. She didn’t want anything to do with anyone but me.

It’s been 3 months since I said goodbye to my Penny girl because of her aggression. I can go days feeling “okay” with the decision I made and then BAM! like a ton of bricks I feel as if I let her down, like I gave up on her, betrayed her and to be very frank.. killed her. I don’t feel like I “freed her from her demons.” I miss her so much and would give anything to go back to that horrible night and change the events that led to me telling her goodbye.

She couldn’t be trusted with other dogs or new people. That doesn’t mean that she wasn’t my favorite bed hog. That’s when I miss her the most.. when I’m laying in bed and suddenly remember I have leg room. Grief is a scary thing, I feel so horrible and guilty and on the days when I feel at peace.. it turns into me feeling guilty for not mentally punishing myself all day.

I carry a lot of regret. Because I carry so much regret I find myself replaying the last minutes I spent with her a lot. Telling her how sorry I was and begging her to forgive me. That absolutely horrible realization after she was gone that I will never be able to have her follow me around the house in the morning, see her lay outside the shower and wait for me to finish, eat every little piece of food that my toddler drops on the floor... I’m constantly asking myself WHY “WHY DIDNT I JUST TAKE HER BACK TO THE CAR.” My head knew what the right decision was but my heart still doesn’t want to accept that.

I miss her with every ounce of me. I miss seeing her copper hair all over the couch and hearing the tags on her collar jingle. I pray she forgives me and understands how sorry I am.

When it’s my time to go, I hope she’s there to greet me. 💕


Posts: 1,821

why doesn't really matter, I know when Drac screaming in pain we could not relieve without keeping him basically comatose, when Diamond could not walk because she was too weak, when Skittles did not want us to touch him that setting them free was the only 'right' option we had. But I still have moments, days when everything in me screams 'I should have done more'.  Drac and Skittles had cancer, Diamond had kidney failure - those were their 'demons'. So many others I could add. Guilt is just our grief tormenting us. I can track losses back to 1979 - I know in my mind I did my best, all I could have - and I can say the pain does eventually soften and that it has been different each time.

Posts: 17

Thank you for response. Sometimes I just have to pour my heart out, luckily this community understands that.

Posts: 6
I totally get it! I did the same on 11/30 for the exact same reason ! I feel incredibly guilty. I keep thinking I should of done more for him. He was fine when it was just me and him. He would of given his life for me and I took his away. I tried for a years to get manage him. I tried to protect him when we had visitors . Just kept him crated and tried to work with him on it with the muzle. But when he started to turn on the family it was hard to protect him. Could never have him in the same room with me and my husband as would never know when he would have an episode. Episodes would come out of nowhere and couldn't figure the triggers. I made the decision. Now it feels like it was the wrong one. I struggle every minute of every day and miss him so so much. Doesn't feel as if I set him free. Feels like I set myself free or so I thought. I would give anything to see his him lying in his crate or hearing is bark at 6 am sharp as it was time for breakfast. I miss our hikes our training and his silly personality when he was having a good day. So I know exactly how you feel. I also know that others say he wasn't happy living life in his crate or muzzle. He changed and wasn't living the life he deserved., that he was sick mentally just not physically and that we did set them free from their demons. All of that I'm sure is true BUT.. it sure doesn't feel that way. I hope someday we will be able to come to terms with this and find peace. For me I think that will be quite some time as guilt and regret have taken over . I try to tell myself he wouldn't want me to feel bad as I was his world and it was his job to see to it that I was happy. So I try to shake it off and remember our good times. Hang in there ! Sorry for the long reply but your post hit home in a big way and guess I had more to say than I thought.
Forever Koops Mom

Posts: 17
Andijayne— don’t ever apologize for venting! Some things need to be aired. I very rarely visit this site until I need to pour my heart out. It has been a very hard few months and I miss her beyond words. I hope you find comfort and a way to ease your mind. The heartache hasn’t stopped and I’m sure I will forever feel it when I think of her.

Best wishes to you 💙
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