It's still so surreal. I miss my Koba Doba doo so much.. I still struggle with the guilt constantly. It makes it hard to focus on much else, especially because I was forced to make the decision without it really feeling like being mine. I keep thinking if I had known what I know now or been able to exhaust all options first from a behaviorist.. I would be at peace.. at least more than now. I couldn't find a living situation in the 10 days my landlord.. who is my grandmother gave me to either put Koba down or find a new place to live. I live in NY and am still getting my bearings financially.. so I was unable to find a new apartment that I could afford that allowed big dogs in the 10 day period and afford a behaviorist... I could only do one or the other. I do feel I may have had to eventually make the decision.. but having such little time to decide or address the issue.. and it feeling like my own family wasn't there for me really, really hurts. Therefore I turned to a new friend from the shelter I adopted Koba from.. where she had taken to him and pushed for the trainers to hand feed him to help resolve his food guarding.. which is what caused his euthanasia (The guarding had manifested in guarding ME from my aunt, which is part of the guilt). I came along as a volunteer when she was coming to the shelter less, but she reached out when I adopted him to say how happy she was.
Koba was great since the first day he came home.. was my dream dog.. and never guarded his food bowl from me as I trained him to think good things when I was around his food. There's alot more to his aggression but I won't get into it now, plenty of what-ifs, being he never got to live to see his surgery date, to replace his dislocated artificial hip. The volunteer and I became close and she's helped me through his death, coming over to be with us while he passed. I still feel broken though and talk about it a good amount.. I mean it's still only been a month. I especially discuss it with her because she understands dogs and I feel like my family is hard to open up to especially when deep down I feel like they turned me away when I needed someone to help me ensure I was making the right decision. Today she told me that for her own mental health she couldn't move on with me talking about it so much.. but I feel like she's one of the only people that I can really say much at all to about. I really wish I had someone who could help me that truly could relate. With my mom it always goes back to me feeling hurt that she wouldn't let me stay with her (even offering to muzzle him if not in my room) until I could get a behaviorist's opinion and work through it from there. No luck. It makes it hard to feel comforted by her words.. my grandma's words.. cause part of me feels like they forced me to give up too soon. The truth is, his aggression was such a small part of him.. but it was in there and when evoked by fear of losing me.. even unnecessarily.. breaks my heart, but I won't lie and say I wasn't 100% sure he wouldn't guard me again. It hurts that he'll be remembered for something he did once, that sealed his fate. How do you guys cope when you know others are fed up with hearing your constant mental process?I need to be talking it out as I process through art. Is it wrong that I feel this way a month after? I'm seeing another therapist along with my usual psychiatrist as my dad passed when I was 11 and I always check in during tough times. I had already been going through 2 losses when I got Koba and he healed me in so many ways. I just miss my blocky headed mush so much. I can't even find the words right now because so many thought of him flood my brain. Trying to focus on the good times, I know I made his days so happy, I went above and beyond and completed a dope bucket list for him including the beach, a hotel stay, ice cream, road trips, breakfast in bed.. HOWEVER my heart hurts in knowing that there's none left to share and that it was a decision made partly due to circumstance. It's hard to let go of the guilt because part of me feels I'd be happier living in my car with him than letting it go down this way. There's a lot more to this story.. but it's so fuzzy right now and if I go all the way through it, I fear I'll cry myself to sleep tonight. Any advice is appreciated. ~Vita, Koba's mom