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goofygirlinva

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Posts: 1,191
 #1 
It has been 16 days since Blackie passed to the RB.  I thought I was doing OK with handling my grief but this weekend I lost it often and cried a lot for my baby.  The pain and loneliness and anguish is getting worse, not better.  I have never known pain this deep and this intense before.  I think it is probably because I never gave and received unconditional love so easily and freely before.  The deeper the love, the deeper the grief. 

I miss my Blackie so very, very much.  What I wouldn't give to turn back the clock and be with him yet again.

Mommy loves you and misses you my beloved Blackie.  I really, really do.

Kelly
Blackie's mommy



Suzanne

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Posts: 4
 #2 

My heart goes out to you.  Blackie looks like a real sweetheart.  I love cats.  My Scooter passed away on 03/25/08 and I am still having problems dealing with the loss.  Cats are special people.  They leave an empty place in your heart when they leave.  But knowing that they are at Rainbow Bridge makes me feel so much better.  They are healthy and playing, and waiting for the day when we will be reunited.  Scooter always greeted me at the garage door and would jump straight up on my shoulder and shower me with kisses and purring when I came home from work and also would be all over me when it was time to go to bed and in between as well.  The first couple of weeks were the hardest, but it is getting a little better.  I have Buster, a 6 year grey tabby cat with me still and he has taken over several of Scoo Man's duties.  It helps with the pain a lot but does not completely take it away.  Just know that there are others out here who feel your pain and are thinking of you and sending you strength.  :)

goofygirlinva

Registered:
Posts: 1,191
 #3 
Thank you Suzanne, thank you so much for your reply.  You are right, Blackie was a complete sweetheart.  It was love at first sight for the both of us.  He was not overtly affectionate the way your Scooter was.  He was not much of a purrer, but I knew he loved me because of the way he was with me.  He was happy to sit in the same room with me.  Sometimes he would come over to where I was and would sit next to me just barely touching me.  Sometimes he would just sit or lie down and give me a look that said I love you.  Sometimes he showed me his love by being very calm and patient with me as I petted him or talked to him.  And if he did purr, then I knew he was especially happy and I treasured knowing he was happy.  He purred up a storm the night I brought him home and for the next couple of days.  There weren't a whole lot of other times when I could actually hear him purr - he was one of those cats you had to put your finger on his throat to know he was actually purring.  But his last day here on earth he did purr for me and he purred loud enough for me to hear it and he purred for at least 10-15 minutes.  That was a gift I will never, ever forget.

He was so gentle and regal and found many different and touching ways to let me know he loved me.  We had this routine where I would come home from work and fix his dinner and I would put it down on the floor for him to eat.  But he wouldn't eat his food until I had finished fixing mine and was ready to join him.  Sometimes if I was slower than usual in fixing my dinner, he would come to the kitchen and just sit in the doorway and watch me until I was finished preparing my food and then he would give me this little "let's go eat dinner" chirp and I would bring my food into the living room and we would sit down and eat our dinner together.  I really miss that routine, it was our special time together each evening and I really miss having that be a part of my life.

I know Blackie is in a better place now but I am not yet to the point where I can smile when I think of him, the hurt is just too great and too raw.  I am counting on time helping me deal with the pain.  I am also trying to pay closer attention to my precious Rufus and my newer cat Squeeker as a way to help me through this time...
lavender_passion

Registered:
Posts: 95
 #4 
I am so sorry too!  I know the pain you feel - Baby died 3/29/08.  It is a great loss.  I have a little flicker candle I put by Baby's urn every night and let it flicker until I go to bed.  It is comforting to me.  I stll have 9 more cats - but Baby was my baby.  He was 13 - the rest of mine go from age 7 down to 4. Please remember I am thinking of you.  Andrea fixed me some really beautiful pictures - I sent her 3 or 4 and she did a wonderful job!  I love them!  If you would like to see them send me your email address.


aurichwolf

Registered:
Posts: 555
 #5 

 
Dear Kelly,
 
There are no rules of grief.
We all experience it in so many different ways.
Waves of sorrow hit us when we least expect them and in many degrees of sadness.
The stages of grief don't come in any certain order either.
There are so many books on grief but one thing all the authors of those books forgot is that grief can't read their books.
Our hearts learn to love and when we open them to love another we also open them to the pain of loss.
As the wise saying goes "If I didn't take the chance I'd have missed the dance."
I wish with all my heart for you and for me and for all of us that we could turn back the hands of time but not to the days when they were getting old and frail or sick but to the time when they were young healthy playful babies.
Well sadly we can't do that here but one day when we see them again that will be our reward for the love we gave to them.
Imagine seeing your beautiful Blackie running to your waiting arms.
What a wonderful reunion that will be.
 
When you miss Blackie the most is when you can feel the closest to him.
He watches over you and knows what is in your heart so speak to him with your heart.
Talk to his heart and let yourself feel what is deep inside your soul.
You will then understand that though he is no longer here physically with you he is still in your heart and always will be.
No amount of time or separation can take that away.
 
Don't be discouraged that you seem to feel worse at times.
One reason is that as we begin to heal we almost feel guilty for doing so.
Another is that once we feel a little better when a wave of sorrow hits it actually feels worse.
I still feel that way at times even after over four years.
Your loss is so new that emotions are still running out of control and that will take time.
How much time it takes no one can or has any right to even try to answer for you.
Only your heart will know the answer to that.
 
You are right though in saying the deeper the love the deeper the grief.
In my heart I know this to be true but I'm sure you agree that no matter the deep pain now the love and time together made it all worth while.
We wouldn't have missed having one so special in our lives no matter what.
 
May you find peace and know that Blackie watches over you as your guardian angel.
 
Love and Peace,
AurichWolf
Kathy
dianae2002

Registered:
Posts: 317
 #6 

Dear Kelly, I know how much it hurts... it is really empty in our homes without our beloved fur babies. What a wonderful company you had with your Blackie. Your pain is new, and it really takes time. I also thought it was getting better, but I have some moments I can only cry becasue I miss so much my Jessie. I think it's neccesary, it's better to let all the feelings inside to come out... one day it would get better, though your Blackie can never be replaced. I know how you feel, I had my Jessie and Lucy (which I had to left with my parents after I moved to another country) and now I have a cat called Neko. He is a great company, specially if I'm at home waiting for my husband to come back from work. I'd like to think that our fur babies were a wonderful blessing given by God. Though we now miss them, they showed us about love and how strong it can be.

Diana, Jessie's mom.
 
My Jessie, I miss you so much...
Jessie

This is Neko, my company everyday...
 
Photobucket
goofygirlinva

Registered:
Posts: 1,191
 #7 
Thank you everybody for your kind words.  I thought I was doing well but today, for some reason, I decided to look at the last picture I took of him.  I took it back in December and it is in my cell phone.  It is a beautiful, regal picture of him sitting on the arm of my sofa just looking at me with this amazingly serene look on his face.  I am so glad I was able to capture that picture because he is just so incredibly gorgeous in it.  I took a look at the picture and I just lost it again.

Diana, I agree that our fur babies are a wonderful blessing from God.  Only something as pure as a pet's love can come from God.  I wish I knew why God decided to take Blackie from me so soon.  We only had a touch over 2 years and 8 months together.  That was not enough time for me, it never will be.

Kathy, thank you so much for your beautiful words and wisdom.  Blackie came to me as a stray so I never had the privilege of knowing him as a young kitten or completely healthy.  I often wondered what his past was like, what he was like as a kitten and how it was that he came to be a stray.  I hoped his life before me was a happy one.  I would like to think that his life with me was a happy and good one for him.  I know it was for me.

Lavender, your Baby and my Blackie share the same Bridge Day.  It is unfortunate that something so tragic led us to "meet" each other, but I am glad we did.  I like your idea of lighting a flicker candle before you go to bed in honor of your Baby.  I think I will do the same, only in honor of my Blackie.

Thank you again everybody for your kind words, compassion and wisdom.  This is such a hard loss to cope with, it is good to be able to come here and have some strong shoulders to lean on.

Kelly

Becky57

Registered:
Posts: 657
 #8 

Blackie is a beauty and lucky to have found you.  It does just seem to get worse--I am like you--I have never known such profound grief .  I am so very sorry .  I just keep coming here--I can't really help anyone--just let them know I feel so bad for them.  I dread summer because the days are long and we used to mess around outside a lot and go walking if it was cool enough  .  She was my life so I do understand.

lavender_passion

Registered:
Posts: 95
 #9 
It's still sad - I have bought a photo album - I had a lot of pictures of Baby over the years - I am putting all of his pictures in that - Andrea fixed my up some beautiful pictures of Baby.  So pretty!  I am going to put those in the book - 4x6 size pictures and a copy of the Rainbow Bridge poem.  I also have a few clips of Baby's hair - I miss him so much!  I still try and play through my mind his last days!

goofygirlinva

Registered:
Posts: 1,191
 #10 
Lavender, I have a photo album with lots of Blackie's pictures in it.  I've also put almost all of his pictures in my online Photobucket account, just in case something happens to the CDs and pictures.  I'd taken many, many pictures of Blackie, but somehow I wish I'd taken more.  I don't own a digital camera and kept telling myself I need to purchase some more of those disposable cameras so I can take more pictures of Blackie.  But I never did so unfortunately the December 2007 picture is the last one I have of him.

I have a lot of Blackie's things that need to be put away in a safe place.  I know I don't want to just put his things in a regular cardboard box.  I can always use more storage so I think I am going to purchase a blanket chest that I'll use to store just Blackie's things.  I saw a little unfinished cedar blanket chest at the craft store the other day so I might purchase that and add some stenciling and decoupage of some of Blackie's pictures on the exterior to make the chest a special tribute to my boy. 

I ended up choosing pet taxidermy instead of cremation so that means it will take a number of months before he is returned to me.  In the meantime, I think I will purchase some picture frames so I can display some Blackie pictures throughout the house as a reminder of my baby.  Hopefully that will help the time pass a little easier as I wait for his body to come back home to me...

lavender_passion

Registered:
Posts: 95
 #11 

The little cedar chest sound like a good thing to do.  How did you decide to do the taxidermy?  I don't know of anywhere around me that does that - I'm in NC - they may but I haven't really ever thought of that.  What's involved with that?  Do you tell the people how you want Blackie to look or what?  I am just curious - I still ache for you, me and all the others!  Last night I just sat and tried to picture that last day and night - and how I found Baby that morning. 

goofygirlinva

Registered:
Posts: 1,191
 #12 
Hi Lavender,
I found the taxidermy site through a variety of sources.  The one I chose is located in Colorado so I had to ship Blackie to them.  It was so hard to ship him.  As I sat in my dining room preparing his body for shipping, I held him one last time and just cried and cried and cried.  Rufus, the other cat I had while Blackie was alive, watched me from a distance and then came over and sniffed Blackie one last time before I put Blackie's body in the shipping container.  It was so sad.

It supposedly takes at least 4-6 months to complete the process, sometimes more, sometimes less.  Without going into too much detail, they go through freeze dry process and the mounting process is different from regular taxidermy in that Blackie's skin is not mounted on a frame but they take his entire body, bones included, and shape the body in the pose you want.  I asked for a pose where he is lying down.  I sent them a bunch of pictures so they'll know what I am looking for, and we're exchanging phone calls and emails so they're crystal clear on how I'd like him to look once all is said and done.

I really miss having part of him here with me.  But eventually I'll get him back.  I'm looking forward to it, but I'm also sure the grieving process will begin anew...

Georgeann

Registered:
Posts: 2,245
 #13 
Dear Kelly:
I am so sorry about the loss of your Precious Blackie.  His picture is adorable.  I lost my Little Angel Christopher over a year ago.  I miss him just as much today as the day he left.  I still cry for him every day.  There are just those certain babies who steal our Hearts and take our Souls with them when they leave.  Your loss is still so new.  At 16 days I was a maniac and could not function at all.  Life goes on but the grief never ends.  We are all here when you need us.  You are in my Prayers.

Big Hugs
Georgeann and Christopher
Forever
arosettamason48

Registered:
Posts: 32
 #14 
goofygirlinva,

I sent you a message about having Blackie freeze dried because I am interested in doing the same. I can't really find anything on here about it but I can't stand to put my Greenbean in the ground or have him cremated. I don't think I can cope with freeze drying much either but I can't let him go. Any advice would be much appreciated
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