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patches0330

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Posts: 42
 #1 
Hi everyone, 

Today, July 30, 2019, is exactly 4 months since we had to put our dog, Patches to sleep. I have been feeling kind of okay lately, but I just think it's because of all the stress that I'm under. I got accepted into a university and will be going back to school starting in September so I've been trying to get everything sorted out and transferred to the new school. I'm having other issues in my life, and I just feel like I'm not able to confront my feelings the way that I should be. Whenever the other stressors settle down a little bit, the sadness of missing my boy comes rushing back making me feel like I'm reliving the worst day of my life so far. 

After stopping my therapy appointments, I've noticed that my mental health has improved a little bit. I was focusing too much on finding something to talk about with my therapist. I felt like since I'm depressed, anxious, and struggling with other things, I'm supposed to go to therapy so it was very forced. I'm able to talk about Patches without crying and I can laugh at some of our memories but out of nowhere these past few days have been really difficult for me. I have the Timehop app on my phone that lets me see all of my pictures from years ago, and Patches is in almost every single one of them. He also makes up a large part of my Snapchat memories. These past few days have been a struggle for me because whenever I see pictures and videos of him, I start crying. I'm also always thinking about him, but lately he's been popping into my head more and more. I was trying to hold back my tears all day today and I was crying in the car on my way to and from work today. On my way into work, I realised that today is exactly 4 months since we had to say goodbye. On my way home from an appointment after work, I passed by a pet supplies store and I thought about all the times I've taken Patches there and I started crying again. 

I posted some pictures on my social media accounts and I got a lot of nice messages. One of my cousins posted a comment that I didn't appreciate, but I know that she means well. Whenever her dogs have died, she didn't wait more than a month to get another. I wrote about how I missed my best friend, and she commented, "Time 4 a new one!! 😉" and all I said was, "maybe someday 😉" even though I was hurting so bad inside. I should have told her that it's not that easy for me, and that I'm upset and really struggling, but I have a hard time with that because I'm always worried about making people feel bad. 

Anyways, yeah. 4 months ago we lost our little boy and I miss him so much.
Raiseravens88

Registered:
Posts: 8
 #2 
I can relate to this sooo much. I’m coming up on 3 months to the day and I have also felt “okay” more than before. However she’s on my phone background (I’ve had the same one for 4 years and I don’t wanna take it off) and the last couple days have made me anxious looking at it. Life’s stressors always keep coming...and she was the thing that helped me stop caring about them. I could blow past them all. The more “life goes on” the more I feel sad as hell that I can’t go back in time.

I also have the experience where friends talk about it like it’s just a bump in the road. Maybe it’s my fault too because you talk about her casually a lot...because I love her, not because I’m “over it”. I volunteer at a rescue center for cats so I’ve been tempted to get another more than a few times..not because I’m looking to replace her...but because I’m a sucker for adoption and saving an animal.

I truly wish I could jump into a time machine once more and just smell her, hug her and feel her calming presence. The only option I have is to close my eyes and imagine it. Loss is just so damn hard.
patches0330

Registered:
Posts: 42
 #3 
Raiseravens88, 

I'm so sorry for your loss. I also have Patches as my phone background and I don't plan on changing it. Just the thought of not being able to see his face every time I pick up my phone makes me feel even more sad. I understand where you're coming from with the stress. The only thing that helped me during stressful times was playing with him and taking him for walks. I'd spend my free time taking him to the park or the beach or just swimming in our pool. I haven't felt like doing anything lately and I know that it's an issue, but I don't really care about fixing it because I literally can't. I can't bring him back and it makes me so upset. I know that if he was still here, I wouldn't be able to do the same things as we did years ago (he was diagnosed with diabetes and went blind within 2 weeks. He also had really bad arthritis and I'd push him around in a stroller for walks because he'd get too tired) but I still wish that we could spend time together. 

I also talk about him with my friends and I say it casually so that I don't have a complete breakdown, but by me doing that, they're thinking that I'm "over it." I'm not, and I never will be. I love him and will never ever stop. I tried adopting another puppy about a month after we lost Patches but it was a huge mistake. Luckily my cousin's wife's mother was looking for a dog and they adopted him from us. So basically, we fostered a puppy for about a month but it was horrible. Whenever I saw him, I'd just be sad because he wasn't "MY" dog. He just wasn't. Hopefully at some point I'll be "okay" enough to get another, but that's nowhere in the near future. 

I still have some of Patches' things and I cuddle with his blanket at night and leave it at the end of my bed. Sometimes he'll visit me in my dreams and we'll go for a walk or he'll run up to me to get petted and play for a little while. Then I'll wake up misisng him, but knowing that he was there. It really, really sucks that we can't bring them back, but they live on through our pictures, memories, and stories. 

This fall I'm planning on getting his paw prints tattooed on me along with his name. I'm also going to get a little cartoon portrait so that I can take him everywhere with me. 
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