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Posts: 2
I had to let my girl go 4 weeks ago today, she had cancer and just went down hill fast. I keep waiting for the pain to start to get better but it seems it’s getting more painful and more frequent. I miss her so much, she used to come to work with me everyday and was my unpaid emotional support dog. I know it was the right thing to do so she didn’t suffer but just not having here anymore is so hard.

Posts: 1
I’m in exactly the same position, it’s been 4 weeks since my boy got run over and the pain doesn’t seem to be getting any easier. I spend most nights crying myself to sleep at the thought of what happened to him and thinking I would do anything to have him back. I don’t want to tell anyone that I’m still so upset about it because I don’t think they’ll understand.

Posts: 730
I am so very sorry you're in this place where the grief seems to change, grow, intensify, and simply drag you to your knees day after relentless day.  I remember.  I was there, too, when cancer stole my little Fiona from me.  That's how I found this place, and the people here who helped me try to get through the unimaginable.

The first few days and weeks are spent simply trying to rationalize or understand the profound change in what you knew to be your normal life.  How could everything I've known for so long all of a sudden not be there anymore?  What just happened?  Did the worst fear I've had just come true?  What happens now?  What is the routine and meaning of my day without her in it?  How am I supposed to move ahead when I thought I'd have the chance to keep this for a very long time?  

Once the shock wears off, along comes the dreadful, painful, deep, lonely and dark grief that simply grabs hold of you till you think it cannot possibly let go.  Thoughts of her, of you, of the life you shared are all distilled into a single moment where 'before' and 'after' are the markers, with no way to make any sense of the contradiction and no idea what 'normal' looks like anymore.  It is a heaviness and it's almost always terrifying, especially when you truly believe, as I did, that you'll feel this way forever, and not be able to find a way out of this grief. People around you start to 'back-off', thinking you should be 'over it' or enough time has passed to start seeing you smile and be back to your old self again.  As if there's some plan or normal way for people to grieve.  This has never happened to you before, and to think you can possibly know what's ahead is absurd, much less people who knew nothing about her, and did not share the love you shared with her.  How can anyone who is not you 'know' anything about how to grieve her?

I wish with all my heart I could share some 'secret' or some map or guideline to help you navigate the coming days and months but the reality is that I cannot.  Only you know what it is like to lose her - and to understand how much of your identity is wrapped up in the relationship you shared with this unique little soul.  You are not just mourning her, you are mourning all that you were together, and this is such an awful part of this grieving, that no one is truly prepared for, even though we all know in our hearts these days will come.

What I can promise you, yes, promise you, is that somehow, someway, the grief starts to give way a little.  Where today you're obsessed with her loss for 24 hours, tomorrow you might get 5 minutes where you're distracted or focused on something else.  Then, back to 24 hours, then 15 minutes of relief.  Ebbing and flowing like the tides, and washing over you in a way you cannot control.  All I know is that the strength of the grief lifts, blurs, and becomes less sharp, like the pain or a bruise or a cut that heals - though a scar can be left. A blanket, a familiar tree, a park bench, an ice cream cone - ANYTHING can trigger this grief making it feel like you lost her an hour ago.

There is not a single day, 8 years on, that I do not think of my beloved little Fiona.  But now, her memory powers me, warms me, and is no longer associated with her awful disease and loss that happened in the space of just a few days.  Instead, I recall her as a vivid dream, but hold her reality safe and tight in my heart where it can never be torn from me again. She is in the past.  We make no more memories together. But she is as much a part of my future as the living, because I owe so much to her and learned so much from her. 

Jentfer, it's not TIME that changes what you're feeling.  No amount of time passing will ever change the fact that you have lost her.  It's YOU who changes - somehow managing to equate her memory with the joy of her life instead of the agony of her loss.  You'll do this.  Not today.  Certainly not tomorrow, and probably not next week or next month.  But soon, I promise you with all my heart.  And she is worth every tear you shed, every sleepless night, and every ache in your devastated soul because she mattered, she was important, and now she is gone.  Take all the time you need to find your way out of this grief.  You lived a good life long before you knew her, and you'll live a life again now that she is gone.  No, it won't be the same life you had when she was here but that does not mean it's not a life worth living - and there is no better example than your best little friend who lived her life to the fullest wrapped in the warmth and security of your love.  

I am so very sorry she is gone.  And I am so very sorry you're in this place.  Deep breath, feel what you're feeling, and know that you are not alone.  


Posts: 5
Dear Fionasmum thank you for your beautiful postbwhich I am going to print and keep in my journal,to remind me of these truths. I need hope that the painful anguish will lessen. God bless you for taking the time to encourage and help,us in this forum.

Posts: 69
Fionnas mom , that was so touching what you wrote & you described exactly how I feel right now.

Posts: 2
Thank you Fionasmum that was so heartfelt. I started to read it at work and had to stop because I was crying to hard. My Joonie bug was the second dog I’ve lost to cancer and I still remember the pain when I lost my Bear 11 years ago. I know I will get through but it’s so damn hard. I talk to all my dogs past and present every day and hopefully she stills listens to me as intently as she did while she was here (sure she always got cookies and kisses while she listened, lol). But I tell her now, no more tears only smiles because she made me smile with all her silliness. Thank you for reaching out it really helped.
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