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EricaOshana

Registered:
Posts: 2
 #1 

I am broken hearted and can not get over this unfortunate event. 

5 months ago my beloved cat Livia who used to be a stray and was saved by a friend of mine from a busy road at just 4 weeks, gave birth to 5 beautiful kittens. Livia was given to me after my friend found her and I raised her from then on. Until 5 months ago she became a mother of her own. The birth of her little babies was the happiest moment in my life.

One of the kittens died just 2 days after being born and even though I was devastated I accepted the kittens death as a natural occurance. I never barked into the room, I just left the mother and babies to do what nature was meant to do. And it worked well for the 4 remaining. They grew up into beautiful, healthy and lively kittens.

I kept the kittens along with her mother in a room separated from my other cats until they were 4 months old. At 4 months I let them out. They befriended all the other cats and everything was lively and fun. One of these cats was Alice.

Alice was just as lively as everyone else and she was also the one of the 4 who had the courage to come to me and cuddle with me. She was a beautiful angel who always observed me with huge and curious eyes. I loved to see those eyes and I loved to have her sleep in my lap.

Sometimes she even came into my bed to sleep, but she still preferred sleeping with her siblings.

One day, I got very busy with moving. I saw that Alice was not well in the morning that day. The children and their parents all had the 'cat sneeze' an illness that can never be completely cured and is given to kittens by the mothers milk. But Alice never had it severe. I saw that her nose was closed and cleared it, then I had to go back to my moving business. I was told by my vet that as long as the nose is clear she will be fine. I also know she ate that day because I saw her do her poop and it was normal. 

Unfortunately I finished moving very late at night and when I came back I found Alice sitting all alone! She never sat away from the other cats, they always all sat together to give each other warmth. When I touched her, she was ice cold! I immediately took her downstairs to my gran who has way more experience with kittens than I do. 

We put her into a fluffy blanket and warmed her up in front of the heater. Since we live very far away from the city center and it was in the middle of the night we had to find an animal hospital that would still be open, as well as a taxi who could take us there. 


All this took a while, but during that while little Alice was still alive.. although then it already looked like she was going to die. She was breathing very harshly through her mouth, she tried to move but could not, she bit into the blanket and was crying in pain. All this made me so sad, I cried my eyes out because then I already knew she was going to die. But I still had hope...


So then, the taxi came and we drove to the hospital, the driver was kind and even used more speed to get there fast. The cries of Alice continued on in the car... 


When we finally arrived she died! She died just as we placed her in front of the doctor!

What kind of bad luck is this??


I can't accept this.. it hurts so much. I was getting ready to give her and everyone else a more cozy and a more warm home.. 

I am blaming myself because I think I should have realized her situation was more severe than I thought when I saw her sick in the morning. How could I have been so stupid and not realize how sick she was?

I am so heart broken and even though I have many other cats I am loosing the will do live.

Her mother and siblings seem unaffected by her death though. Is there any explanation for that?

I wish I could bring Alice back, I wish I could see her again...

Last night I felt someone breathing just as she does next to me. My eyes wanted to open but they did not.. I never learned if it was her or if it was someone else of my cats.

I really need help because this guilt and the feeling of loss, not being able to give her this new beautiful life in the new place, is destroying me...

What else could have been the reason for her death??? 


grievingmom

Registered:
Posts: 639
 #2 
Your story reminds me a wee bit about my niece and how we took her bird to the vet. As the vet was holding the parakeet and examining him, he died right in the vet's hands. The bird hadn't been sick long term or anything so it came as quite a shock and was pretty hard to watch and see happen.

I have lost 2 cats in my life and like you was losing the will to live. This kind of hopelessness and despair is very painful. So I fully understand.

It is so important to know why they died. I did not get answers with Pearl's death and the frustration from not knowing why drove me wild. It was hurtful beyond words.

The breathing may have been her telling you that she is still around in some ways. As for why the other cats are not showing signs of missing her, it may be they notice she isn't there but are themselves having a hard time facing it as well. That might sound corny, but not really. They know she isn't there and I think they know why. For sure. Incidentally, her passing was from a medical reason. It wasn't due to any negligence on your part. You did not do anything to instigate death coming into her life.

Please reply if you want and give an update as to how you are. 

 I know you are still going to be upset, trust me. But if talking to someone helps, that is why we are here.

- Stephanie

EricaOshana

Registered:
Posts: 2
 #3 
Hello Stephanie,

Thank you so much for your reply.

I like to believe the other cats are not openly grieving because they know that little Alice is now in a better place. I feel like animals have a better understanding of death than us humans do. However, the mother has become more attached to me and I often notice one of the sisters staring into space. As if she saw something there or as if she was looking for something there. She is also getting much closer to me these days. Maybe they realize I am grieving and want to support me, tell me that things are alright.

Because what is hurting me as well is not knowing where little Alice is right now. I like to believe the soul is eternal and even though her body stopped working, her soul continues to exist. But I am worried about where it is. Of course no one can answer me this, but I need to find some closure. 

I agree with you, it is SO important to know why they died and I was offered a surgical inspection of her body. But I did not consider it because I did not want her body to be used for experimental purposes. I wanted to bury it and let it rest in peace. And even if I did consider it at some point, unfortunately I do not have enough money. 

It has been 10 days now and the pain is still very strong. And instead of blaming myself for her death I now continue to wish things would have turned out differently. Realistically speaking, I am not to blame for her death. I saw that she was sick, but I have raised over 20 kittens in my life and it never happened to me to watch one of them die within 1 day. I thought she would be getting better, I wanted to be positive and believe in the good. Surely, if this state would have been going on for days I would have taken her to the vet... I just wish that back then my mind would have worked differently.. I wish I would have realized how sick she ACTUALLY was.. 

And I did hope for the positive at that time when I found her suffering so much... I was getting ready to bring her to the hospital and make her better.. I was so hoping it would all turn out good.. and then she died.

I keep wondering if this is some kind of punishment... I would accept any kind of punishment.. but little Alice has done nothing wrong.


I have no will to live but I know I have to keep going because I still have all these other cats that need me. I can not leave them alone.

Do you believe it is possible to be in touch with our deceased animals?

I think what I need right now is a way to communicate with them.. 

I do not know so much about religion but I am ready to hear any beliefs you hold. It will help me a lot, and I will be very thankful for any information you can give me. For where do deceased pets go? Can we see them again? Do they appear in our dreams? 

Thank you again for your reply, I am so happy to have found someone to talk with about this. 


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