Registered: 1495118168 Posts: 13
I don't know where to start, what to say, or even why I'm writing. I just don't feel like I have anybody else to talk to, or anywhere to turn to help me through this dark and hopeless state. I don't know who I am anymore. I know I'm not the joyful, adventurous, full of life 23 year old I once was just 7 months ago. I'm worried that girl might be gone forever. I lost such a huge part of me the day of the crash - May 10, 2017. That part of me died with my Bear that day in the vet office. And I just don't know how to bounce back from this...I don't feel any less sad or broken, I still am not able to look back on memories with Bear and smile, it only brings pain. I still have to hold back tears in public, I cry every day on the bus ride home from work. I'm just such a sad, sad person and I don't want to be this way, but I don't know how to pull myself out of this. I miss him so much, and there is no feeling more hopeless than knowing I will NEVER have him back again. I just feel lost, and alone, and broken.
I appreciate anybody who took the time to read this. Sometimes it helps to just let it out a little...I want to talk about Bear all the time, but feel like I can't as much anymore. So I am very grateful for this site, at least.
I love and miss you with everything I have, Bear Bear.
Registered: 1512692286 Posts: 67
This is a great place for us all. I don't see anything wrong with still grieving. Its what you need to do. Its a way of hanging on to them. We want them to stay with us. I think when they go they take something of us with them, so in a way, we never will be exactly the same again. That doesn't make it bad, it just makes it what is. It took over 10 months for me to even think about getting another dog after losing the dog I lost before the dog I lost 3 weeks ago (look if that sentence did not make sense, its cause I am still grieving). I kept bursting out crying during those 10 months too. I missed my row, row and now I miss my woo, woo. I was ready for it. I knew it would be coming, but it went so fast and I want her back too. Nothing to you but full understanding.
Registered: 1514458702 Posts: 7
I'm so sorry for your loss. :( I still tear up if I see too many pictures of a row of the girl I lost 8 years ago. It will get easier but Bear will always be close to your heart <3
Registered: 1514398885 Posts: 10
Let it out! I’m 26 and only lost my boy 2 days ago and I feel like a piece of my soul died too. Having people relate is comforting. I’m so sorry for your sweet bear. You are not alone in your grieving. He is looking down on you of possibly surrounding you each day. Have you created a memorial for him? Your pain signifies the bond you two had and that should be cherished. Don’t feel rushed to get better. Your heart will never be the same but find peace I hope. Praying for you.
Registered: 1495149365 Posts: 17
Hi Morgan. I saw your post title and it reminded me of my own post that I wrote 4 days ago. I am where you are. You are not alone in your grief because thousands and millions through time have lost their beloved pet, including me (May 5, 2017); you ARE alone in that you are the only one who knows and endures your thoughts and heart 24/7, 365, and no one can feel your pain and memories exactly as they are. Not necessarily comforting, but it's the truth. Here's what I wrote on this message board:
"At the thought of her, I burst into tears. Again and again, most every day (when I allow myself), the reality of her tragic death slams into me, and I am broken all over again. It's been almost 8 months. And the pain doesn't seem to be diminishing. Death is so hard. Especially for those like me who do not believe in an afterlife. My girl is gone. That's the reality I have to live with. I'll never again see her joyful exuberance as she runs free down a trail, I'll never again hold her little body and stroke her soft fur, I'll never again feel her kisses and tail wags against my skin. Such a beautiful, pure, kind soul is gone from earth. Snuffed out. Oh the horror and tragedy of life! How do people cope with such loss? I try to reason that she was 15 and her dementia was increasing, and that it was a mercy she died when she did. She was becoming increasingly paranoid, barking at everything; she would lose me during a hike; she had days where she wouldn't eat because she didn't feel good and just squirt out bloody diarrhea; many times, I would find her stuck in a corner, just staring at a wall; it would take her minutes to make simple decisions like laying down. If her life had been allowed to continue to a natural death (instead of being taken by a coyote), or if I had to make the decision to euthanize her, would that be easier than what I feel right now? I have no closure; I did not get to hold her in my arms as she took her last sweet breath of life; her last moment was not love but violence. Yet I did not have to watch her day by day, month by month, decline. What demise of hers is more painful for me? Doesn't matter. It's all pain. I loved her every day for 15 years, and now there is a gaping hole in my heart. I will never recover. Love and miss you forever, Easter, Boo Boo Pants, my baby girl, the love of my life."
Registered: 1495118168 Posts: 13
Thank you all for your kind and thoughtful responses, they mean more than you know.
Although I would never wish this pain on anybody else, it is reassuring knowing that I really am not alone, and that other people out there can and do understand what this is like. It can be an isolating feeling, still grieving your pet's death months and months later, well past the time anyone else is thinking of you or him ever anymore. Tanker_1, I agree that grieving is a way to hold onto them. In a way that worries me, because I am so desperate to hold onto any part of him. So I wonder if I will ever let the grief go. I don't know that I want to... Remsmom, I am so sorry. I remember how horrifying and empty the early days were after I lost my baby. I hope you are hanging in there. Thank you for suggesting a memorial. Shortly after Bear died, I put together a picture album and I think it was therapeutic at the time. Something else to honor his memory could really help. I also really appreciate the way you said my pain should be cherished, as it signifies the bond that he and I had. I couldn't agree more... all my pain is for him because who he was and what we had, deserves all of this pain and so much more. 4easter, thank you for sharing your post with me. I can relate to so much of what you said... even the timing, as you lost your baby just 5 days before I lost mine. I am so sorry your sweet girl had a violent end. So did my Bear, and it is not right and it should not have happened to them. But it did, and it will never make sense, but we have to try and remember the countless good, happy moments to drown out that one horrible, tragic moment. I, too, do not feel my pain diminishing, but as real and sharp as ever before. And sometimes I wonder if it will ever fade, because my pain mostly comes from the reality that I will never be with my baby again. And nothing is going to change that, so how will the pain ever go away? It is a very hopeless feeling. I wish I had advice for you, but all I can remind you (and myself) of, is that we are truly not alone with this website, even if it feels like it in our real lives. People here DO understand, and for that I am so grateful. All the love to you all - may we forever keep our babies alive in our hearts.