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Eventer92

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Posts: 1
 #1 


The past two years have been brutal, to say the least. The past few days have been unbearable. Let me paint a picture before I go into the reasons for my pain.

In 2008, I purchased my first baby, Cedric Diggory, an adorable brindle boxer boy. For the next two years he was my partner in crime and protector as we traveled the country for horse shows. He was always by my side and I took him EVERYWHERE.

Skip ahead to 2010, the year that my future husband and I purchased a feisty brindle female pup, Roxie Balboa. She joined me and Cedric as we gallivanted across the country following the horse show circuit. They became the best of friends and I was never seen without them both.

Fast forward to 2013. I had always wanted my own Yorkie. My family had one while I was growing up, Maxwell Bubba, but he was more my dads dog than mine. My parents got me a yorkie in 2006, Dublin Caddo, but he bonded with my mother, which is why I decided to get Cedric in 2008. In the spring of 2013 I decided to try my fate at finding a yorkie of my own. As fate would have it, I found Opie Jamison in Virginia while visiting my future husband, who was in the Navy at the time. Opie bonded to me and I finally had my yorkie. He was a spunky little guy and the boxers accepted him into our pack. Growing up with two boxers meant Opie thought he was the biggest dog out there, despite his tiny size. He joined us on our travels and loved me unconditionally. He was my shadow and never left my side. Cedric and Roxie loved me unconditionally also, but they gave their love to me and my husband equally. Opie was obviously my boy and I was his person. I had almost lost Opie in 2015. My future in-laws we’re watching the pups for us one night. They had let them out to potty and their house is right next to a road people frequently sped on. Opie was hit by a car. They rushed him to the Vet hospital and he somehow survived. They Vets said they’ve seen much larger dogs die with his injuries. God blessed me and gave me back Opie.

Fast forward to Spring 2018. Roxie was 8 years young and suddenly began to lose weight. She had been a bit on the chunky side before so her weight loss wasn’t alarming us yet. She was still the happy and feisty girl we loved, so we just monitored her. Come late summer she had shriveled and I could see her ribs. We took her to the vet, and after multiple tests and scans, we find out she had two tumors. One was growing near her liver and the other was growing around her intestine. We could have removed the one by her liver but the tumor around her intestine was not operable due to its location. So we worked on making her quality of life the best we could in the time we had left with her.
We welcomed a new four legged member to the family, a black standard Poodle, named Otis. Roxie helped impart some of her wisdom onto the submissive little black fluff ball, despite her not always feeling her best. Roxie was given burgers and ice cream many times. She was put on steroids, which helped her immensely and gave us a couple more months with her. Come fall, Roxie let us know she had fought long enough. My husband and I held her while she was put to sleep, telling her how much we loved her and we will see her again. My heart was broken but I knew we made the right choice for her. I had Cedric and Opie there to help me with the loss of our girl. We carried on, never forgetting her.

The Spring of 2019 came, Cedric was 11 years old and Opie was 6 years old. Cedric began having mild, infrequent seizures. I tracked and documented them. As the year went, they became worse and I took him to the vet. They put him on seizure medication, which seemed to help quite a bit for a couple months. As fall rolled in Cedric’s seizure began to worsen again. The vet had me up his dosage and it helped a little. We welcomed our daughter to the family in September, and Cedric was able to lick her when she came home from the hospital. Shortly after we found our new normal with a baby in the house, Cedric’s seizures turned into cluster seizures and it was taking longer and longer for him to come out of them. It got to the point where he was unable to stand to eat or use the bathroom without assistance because the seizures came so rapidly. I took Cedric to the vet knowing what I had to do. The vet explained other options we could try but did not seem certain they would help. I was beside myself because I did not want to put him to sleep if there was a chance he could be fixed but at the same time, I could not bear watching my beautiful loving boy go through seizure after seizure, never really coming out of the haze afterwards before the next one struck. I finally just asked my Vet if it was wrong to put him to sleep. In my heart I just did not think forcing more medications down his throat was going to make his quality of life better, considering how fast the seizures spiraled out of control. My Vet took a deep breath and told me that putting him to sleep was probably the best choice I could make for him. That’s what I needed to hear, that the choice I felt in my heart was the right choice to make. I couldn’t believe I was having to put another one of my children to sleep so soon after losing Roxie, but for Cedric’s sake I made the tough choice. I stroked his big head and kissed him over and over, telling him he was loved and I would never forget him. Again, my heart broke more. But I had Opie and Otis there to love me through the pain I felt in my heart. We eventually got Otis a playmate more his size, a cream female Standard Poodle named Pippa. She is a wild child and keeps Otis entertained. She also enjoyed picking on Opie, since he instigated a lot of playful dog fights. All was going to be alright in our family. They helped me through the pain of loss and I loved them even more for it.

Not long after Cedric’s death, both of my parent’s dogs, Elbie, a Bouvier des Flandres, and Dublin, the yorkie, passed away. Both unexpected and their deaths broke my parents hearts. I hurt for them, as well as hurt with them, since I had loved both pups.

Now fast forward to a few days ago, Monday June 1, 2020. The day my world ended and heart shattered into a million pieces. I had gotten off work in the afternoon and loaded up the pups into my 4Runner so we could go get my daughter at daycare. Pippa gets car sick and prefers sitting in the front seat. Unfortunately that means Opie either has to sit in my lap or in his dog bed in the back seat. And Otis just chills in the back as we drive. We picked my daughter up and headed to my parents house. My dad had gotten back that day from visiting my sister in North Carolina, so I wanted to take his granddaughter over to see him. When we got there, my daughter and I visited with my dad and the Poodles played outside on the farm. Opie opted to hang out inside the house while we visited. When it was time to leave I was going to go to the horse barn and feed my horses. I was going to walk over with my daughter and all three dogs but I quickly changed my mind and decided to drive my 4Runner over, so after I fed the horses I could load the crew up and we could just head out from there. I get in the 4Runner and I have my daughter on my lap. I put my car in reverse and I see the dogs in the back up camera. I begin backing so very slowly, so that the dogs had time to realize I was moving and they would get out of the way. I have done this so many times. They would usually take off towards the barn or at least move away from the vehicle and then follow it to the barn. I did this so they all would run and get exercise. Again, I saw them move out of the way and I continued backing, still at a slow pace, and then my car feels like I went over a speed bump. My heart stops. I throw it into park and leap out, still holding my daughter. I bend over and look under my car to the other side and I see my baby Opie laying there crying. My worst nightmare has happened. I quickly set my daughter in the grass, I run around my car and scoop his little body up. He had peed himself and I knew that was a horrible sign. He bit me because he was in pain. I screamed for my dad, who came rushing out. I told him to grab my daughter, I was rushing Opie to the emergency vet hospital. I jumped in my car and flew down the drive. I cradled Opie in my arms, trying not to move him too much. I felt his breathing become labored and he went limp in my arms. I broke so many traffic laws and drove as fast as I could. I gave him rescue breaths while driving. Anything to keep him alive. But I recognized the agonal breathing and the muscle jerks associated with an animal passing. Even though I knew what was happening, I couldn’t give up on my little man. I prayed to God to let me keep him. I talked to Opie telling him to stay with me...not to leave me. I finally got to the Vet hospital and the guy working the ER took him from my arms. I told him he was gone. He told me he would let the Doctor check to make sure. That gave me the tiniest bit of hope but I knew he was no longer with me. Not 5 minutes later, the same guy that took Opie from me came back and told me he had already passed. My adrenaline left my body and I was hit with the horror and realization of what had just happened. I had ran my sweet boy over with my car. I had killed him. My baby...the one dog who was truly 100% my companion was gone at 7 years old, because I changed my mind and decided to drive to the barn and I didn’t put him in the car with me. I have gone through a lot of animal deaths but losing Opie has shattered my soul. They brought his body to me and I held him until my Husband came. My husband actually sobbed sitting next to me while he stroked Opie’s little head. I just kept saying I’m sorry in between my own sobs. We finally said goodbye to him and handed him over to the guy. I’m getting his body cremated and a clay paw print done. His ashes and paw print will join Cedric and Roxie’s.
I no longer have my dutiful protector, my shadow, my boy. Sleep has been hard without him curled next to me. I read somewhere to break down the events leading up to your pets death so you can see that you had no control over their passing. Looking back, if I had to guess, Pippa went to playfully attack Opie as she usually does, and he instinctual dove under my car to get away from her. Regardless, I still blame myself...I probably always will. I should have walked to the barn or I should have put him in the car with me.
I dream about you and I sleep with your blanket beside me. I can’t do anything without thinking of you....you were always there and now you are gone.

I’m sorry for the novel. I thought if I wrote everything out it would help me cope with the pain.

I love you Opie with all of my heart and I am so sorry. Please forgive me.

Opie Jamison
2013-2020
grievingmom

Registered:
Posts: 639
 #2 
At this point all I can say is I am sorry for your horrifying loss and nightmare. To say anything else at this point would be a waste as you have so much angst going on, you need to devote your time to that.

Peace, love and strength being sent your way,
Stephanie
twinkiesmom

Registered:
Posts: 837
 #3 
I don't have the words to express how deeply sorry I am for your loss. But my first and most important words are it was an accident. It is obvious from all that you wrote about your family, dogs, horses and everything else how very much you love them all. No matter how careful we, are accidents happen but you would never intentionally bring harm to any living thing. If Opie could, he would dry the tears in your eyes, tell you how much he loves you and how grateful he is to have shared your life. The love you share was and still is unconditional, your bond unbroken. Let your tears fall, go out for a ride where you can find peace and quiet and scream your head off if it would help. Believe it or not my doctor told me that. In time you will be able to look back at all the precious memories with Opie and your tears will be replaced by smiles. My little fourteen year old dog, Piper lost her battle with kidney disease on May 4th. She lived 18 months after her diagnosis and our vet was amazed. I know I did everything I could for her that I possibly could have. All the medications, special foods, spending the majority of my time with her, thankfully as a retiree that part was easy. And thousands of cuddles, kisses and I love you's. Knowing all that I still managed to blame myself. After a talk with a dear friend I understand I did everything I possibly could for her. I am deeply sorry for your heartbreaking loss. Please take care, you will be in my thoughts. Rest in peace precious Opie.
jazz12mex

Registered:
Posts: 8
 #4 
My dog Buddy was also taken away in a tragic accident. He managed to escape the fence and followed my cat across the street. He was hit by a car and unfortunately passed away about 8 minutes after. I feel so guilty because I was the one who let him out, so he could use the bathroom. He usually comes back in a few minutes but this time he didn't. I should've noticed something was up since he was out for a pretty long time. I should've called him back in. I should've went out to look for him. I should've never taken a nap that day or else his schedule would've been the same as always. So many "I should've" and "only if". I understand your pain my dog passed away more than a month ago and it's still pretty hard to deal with. He was always with me, liked to sleep on my bed, followed me around, and liked to be near me. I'm so sorry on your loses and I feel for you but they never truly leave our hearts you know and will always be with us. I wish you the best and a healthy healing 
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