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overwhelmed

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Posts: 63
 #1 
I had my best friend of 15 years euthanized a couple of hours ago. Beside myself in grief. Ripley was one in a million, a cat that i shared a very special bond with.

We struggled with renal failure for years. He has been deaf for years but when he became blind and suddenly unable to walk, it was time.

I have lost pets before to euthanization, but it was always a situation where there was an emergency and you rushed the loved one to the vet, only to learn that euthanization was the only choice. But today I booked the appointment 6 hrs in advance..saying goodbye for 6hrs was the worst ever...so so painful...

I am lost, he was the best gift...hiw do I go on living without him?
mazey

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Posts: 3
 #2 

Unfortunately I have no words that might console you, but I feel with you! Hang on to the memories you have of your sweetheart and maybe, one day, you can take in another needy soul who will love you in return...

Hugs,

Mazey

overwhelmed

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Posts: 63
 #3 
Thank you Mazey. I do have 3 other souls trying to get me through this. That they know I am hurting and are trying to console me is a blessing.
babydaisy

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Posts: 38
 #4 
Overwhelmed.

I am so sorry that you are hurting so much..I feel your pain loud and clear! I and others on here can connect & understand what you are feeling..It hurts so much because we love our pets so deeply.

I hope you have some understanding people around you at this moment and time & that they are being gentle with you..

I lost my little Chihuahua Daisy to kidney failure & arthritis this year in August and it's the hardest thing..My heart beated just for her & now I feel like a light has gone out inside of me...I llived alone with her and her absence is incredible difficult to say the least. I have cried every single day!

I have come to understand from reading the posts on pet loss forums that most feel guilty after having lost their beloved pets but it is a normal part of the grieving process & they have been wonderful pet owners doing everything they could possibly have done & more...Please give yourself the love and respect you deserve for 'loving' your baby & being a wonderful owner..

People are supportive on here & I hope that you post and share for comfort..

Be gentle, kind & patient with yourself..

Daisy's mummy

overwhelmed

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Posts: 63
 #5 
Thank you Daisy's mom for your very kind words!

I am so sorry to hear that you also lost the light of your life, Daisy.
I am guessing that her aging body could no longer sustain her? It is awful to watch them succumb to age related illness although I am so truly blessed to have had Rip in my life for so long. He had renal failure that we treated for many years.

Oh my gosh, you live alone - is that hard? I have a husband and other furbabies and I am not sure I could handle the empty house.

Yes, this group is so helpful. I struggled with another loss 2 years ago and was so helped by other members. Each loss is such huge grief, it never gets easier.

Hugs
babydaisy

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Posts: 38
 #6 
overwhelmed

I imagine that you have so many wonderful memories of your rip. He had a lovely long life with you & you clearly took great care of him. It's such a shame that these flawless beautiful creatures don't live as long as we do.

Yep Daisy was 15 & she was diagnosed with kidney failure aged 14, so I only managed to stabilise it for 1 year. I don't know how much of her kidney was left working, the vets told me that they didn't know, but her numbers were off the chart..I took her into the hospital in an emergency in 2018 after one morning appearing listless & didn't want to to walk, I thought she had maybe had a stroke..So after the blood tests were revealed she was put on prescription food 'Hills KD' & Ipakatine & within a month she improved & her levels lowered. I sometimes gave her chicken & other things in addition to the prescription food but nothing salty. The Ipakatine helped keep the levels down & she was monitored & checked every month. She was put on steroids for the arthritis which increased her appetite, but it started to make her fur fall out & after 1 year she started to deteriorate & so I had to make that awful decision that we all dread. She was seen every month by the vet who gave her a physical examination and although he said her levels weren't 'dangerously high' at the end, as I asked, it was her quality of life. He said that we need to make a decision, & after asking questions etc we both agreed that it would definitely be for the best to be kind and let her go...

I asked about the home fluid therapy & the vet didn't approve & I know why..I questioned whether it would be fair to put needless in her just for the sake of 'keeping her going' when she didn't have any quality of life. It wouldn't have been fair on her & would have been selfish of me, but afterwards I started thinking 'maybe I should have done as she might have improved!

I still feel guilt like everyone else & I miss her with every fibre of my being, it aches so so much. My life feels empty & worthless without her.

I have always lived alone ever since Daisy & I found each other. I remember the day we 1st met like it was yesterday. Living alone is hard as when I come home there is nobody to talk about her to, so I phone the pet loss hotline number & come on this forum. We are blessed to have them hey..
I am doing a few things to honour her memory but travelling to see my mum will be so difficult as she was always on my knee on the train & came everywhere with us & the loss will feel alien like...

It's so very difficult and I will never be the same person without her but 1 thing is for sure, she has made me love & respect animals even more than I did before & nothing else matters in life but love..Just like John Lennon said 'All we need is love'! Animals teach us a lot..

I hope you post here often for support.
Sending peace & light

Hug
Daisy's mummy
overwhelmed

Registered:
Posts: 63
 #7 
Dear Daisy's mummy
Thank you again, for your thoughtful and kind words.

I am glad that you and Daisy didn't have to struggle for many years to fight the kidney disease. It is an awful disease and you never know what is coming next. We fought it for 4 years. We had monthly chiro & acupuncture and b12. We did the fluid injections..we gave meds for this that and the other things. Meanwhile you watch your baby waste away cause he wont. Eat. You buy every food on the market and you try to get him to eat..and you feel so guilty when he doesnt. You feel guilty about shoving pills down the throat and sticking needles in him for the fluid therapy.

Then when they go, you still have guilt that you didnt do enough...and as you said, your life feels pointless and meaningless!!

I am going to find some of your previous posts, I want to find out more about your Daisy, she was obviously a special girl that was loved so much. You were lucky to have that....some people never do!!

I am glad to hear you are using the support line as well...for those particularly awful times...ie...when you come home, when you wake up, when you go to bed, when you are at work, when you arent at work....they are all bad times righf now!!

Sorry you are dreading your trip to mom's. I am hopeful that as hard as it will be, that your mom will be able to offer you much love and support. Surely she knows how important Daisy is...and maybe she loved her too. Sometimes it is good to be able to openly share our grief and pain with others that know and love us... when are you taking the trip?
babydaisy

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Posts: 38
 #8 
Overwhelmed.

Hi again.

I am taking the trip to my mum's @ xmas!

My 3 posts are Grief!!! Queries & confusion about kidney failure, and Backwards in grief!

She was a little anaemic too! It's so difficult because on one hand I think 'I should have tried other methods when she started to decline'& another 'she was ready to go & I trusted my vet! I just wonder how she would have reacted to other treatment. It's confusing..

You really were a wonderful owner to try all of these methods..I often wo dered why they didn't keep her in when 1st diagnosed & give her fluids as she was weak..

overwhelmed

Registered:
Posts: 63
 #9 
Hi Daisy's mom:  I did read your previous posts.  Daisy certainly was the 'light' in your life and you shared such a bond, so I can appreciate why there is now so much emptiness.

You had said in a post, that you wondered if blood pressure was an issue and whether it should have been checked.  Interestingly enough, I believe it was high blood pressure that rendered Rip unable to walk and caused blindness in his last 24 hours.  While we had seen the same vet for 4 years and he was receiving holistic treatments every 4 to 6 weeks, we did not check blood pressure.  And of course, I will forever wonder if things would have been different had we checked BP.  However, with this ugly kidney disease, you get hit with so many different things - anemia, high blood pressure, weakness, blindness, nausea, heart issues, not eating and on and on and on.....  So here I am doing the sub q, giving meds, taking him in for treatments, then we get blindsided by another issue - high blood pressure.

I believe that ultimately, you do the best you can with the information you have. I also look back and question whether the treatments we gave were the right thing to do. Although it may have increased his life, did he have a great quality of life throughout all the injections and pills?  And for so many years, I stressed and worried about him all the time.  Taking care of a chronically ill pet takes its toll on you. I would do it again in a heartbeat...but it is hard.

Try not to beat yourself up.  Sure, you could have tried the subQ or other treatments, but then another show-stopper or issue may have popped.  You just don't know. 
babydaisy

Registered:
Posts: 38
 #10 
Overwhelmed

Thankyou for your kind reply.

My Daisy's walking was unsteady too & she had cataracts which got worse until she could hardly see!
I wonder whether there was a reason that my vet didn't feel the need to take her BP! He always listened to her heart with a stethescope, I don't know whether this is linked or not or they can tell whether if needs ro be tested after listening?

Thankyou & bless you..

I really hope my Daisy didn't have high BP, I don't know whether or not it causes pain but I hope not as she wasn't on meds for it because they didn't check it :/
overwhelmed

Registered:
Posts: 63
 #11 
Dear Daisy's mom

I am sorry if I caused you any concern re the blood pressure, that was not my intent.
I think you did the best for your Daisy as I did for my Rip. We will always second guess ourselves and the decisions we made. But would haves..could haves..should haves..only serve to keep us stuck.

You did not want your precious girl to suffer and nor did I want my Rip to suffer so we let them go. It was as it was meant to be.....

How did you meet Daisy, how did she come in to your life??


twinkiesmom

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Posts: 838
 #12 
Overwhelmed, I am so very sorry for your loss of your beloved Ripley. My precious Piper puppy will be 14 years old next month. Last November she was diagnosed with kidney disease but the vets are amazed at how well she is doing. Of course they can't predict how much time she has but it could even be a few years. This afternoon we went for a short walk and she went berserk when she saw a squirrel just as she always has. This past year I feel like I have been walking on eggshells.
I am working on learning to cherish every moment with her and dwelling less on our last days together which will come all too soon. I never knew it was possible to cry so many tears or worry so much. My last two kitties with kidney disease crashed suddenly and their euthanization was immediate. To call and schedule an appointment in advance is even more heartbreaking, each moment horrible agony bringing us ever closer to our last moments together. How can we say goodbye to these precious little ones that have brightened our lives for years? But we can and we do because releasing them from their painful little bodies is the last thing we can ever do for them and we do it out of our deep and abiding love for them. And in the days, months and years that follow we go on living, knowing that is all we can do. They would want us to remember them with laughter as so many wonderful memories come to us of the happiest times we shared with them. And one day Ripley may guide you in finding another kitty that will help your heart to heal. Never will he or she be a replacement for Ripley but a tribute to the great and wonderful love you share forever and one day more. I believe we will be with these beloved creatures again when our time here is done. What a glorious reunion that will be! My thoughts and prayers are with you my friend, always.

Twinkiesmom
babydaisy

Registered:
Posts: 38
 #13 
Overwhelmed

You didn't cause me any concern, I recently found out about the BP & was/have been concerned after realising that pets have it tested with kf. Because Daisy's wasn't tested, I will always wonder...The worry never ends re the 'what if's' etc.

Daisy came into my life after a family realised she wasn't happy with them, the lady told me that she had a long extended family & that Daisy used to get nervous around the children.. I fell in love with Daisy the moment I saw her & she will forever in my heart, just like your Ripley will always be in yours..

I know that because we love our pets we would do absolutely anything 'in their best interests' for them.
You did everything you possibly could for your lovely baby & you were both very lucky to have had one another.

God bless..

Hugs

Daisy's mummy.
overwhelmed

Registered:
Posts: 63
 #14 
Hi Twinkiesmom: thank you for your thoughtful kind words!!
So happy to hear that you still have your precious Piper with you and that you are trying to enjoy your time together...one day at a time right? And try hard to live in the now..something I always struggle with!!

Glad Piper is doing well and hope that keeps up for a long time because they can do well for some time despite the disease.

I am on day 3 of Rips loss....my mind sees him everywhere in the house but if course he isnt there. I just feel numb and gray and empty. So hard to interact with people and try and pretend things are ok...most of them dont know about RIP as that is not something I share with everyone.
goofygirlinva

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Posts: 1,191
 #15 
Hi Overwhelmed,
I'm so sorry you are going through this struggle. I have had cats that I lost due to an emergency situation as well as those whose euthanasia I scheduled due to a terminal disease. My Squeeker was the one I ended up having to PTS due to cancer. It was awful to see him go from a very vibrant kitty with a wonderful bounce in his step to a fragile, weak kitty that robbed him of everything he loved to do.

I will say that when I initially scheduled my Squeeker's euthanasia appointment, I had second thoughts and canceled it. Then I rescheduled it a couple of weeks later. I now realize that the first time I scheduled it I was not personally ready to let him go. But when I rescheduled it, I could tell that Squeeker was ready to leave, so I did what I had to do and made that awful appointment. 

The day Squeeker passed away, I let him out in my back yard so he could have one final time in the sunshine and out in the yard that he loved being in. However, instead of spending time in the grass and sun, he went and hid underneath one of my mammoth Hostas. Cats tend to hide when they are ready to pass away. That was when I knew for sure that I was doing the right thing by releasing him from his pain. I'd made an appointment with a vet that does in-home euthanasia, so at least I did not have to put him in his carrier and bring him to the vet hospital. Still, it was so incredibly sad to let him go, and like the amazing cat he was, he held on for at least 15 minutes after the vet administered the final shot. His heart beat was extremely slow after she gave him the final shot, but it was still going and it was almost as though he was telling me he did not want to leave me. But after I told him it was OK to go, Squeeker's heart slowed down even more and finally stopped. I cried so much after the vet left because my precious boy was gone and there wasn't anything I could do to bring him back to life. I was lucky that I was able to do this over a holiday weekend so I did not have to be around people and go to work for a few days. So I had the time to myself to just sit and cry and process not having my special boy in my life anymore...

I hope that you're eventually able to adjust to life without Ripley. They have such a large presence in our lives and it isn't until they are gone that we really understand their impact...

Hugs to you,
- Kelly
Angel Blackie's mom
Angel Squeeker's mom
overwhelmed

Registered:
Posts: 63
 #16 
Hi Kelly/Blackie and Squeeker's mom!
Thank you so much for your kind words and support.

I am very glad that neither you nor I have to regret if we let them go too soon, or made a mistake. It was Rip's time, just like your beloved Squeeker. Oh I cried when I read that his little heart kept going until you gave him permission to go...that is amazing!

As Rip passed on fri..I too had the weekend to sob my guts out. I howled and carried on when the vet left...what an awful time.

It feels like the light has gone out in my life.
Hugs to everyone who is hurting..hopefully this group enables you to see that you are not alone
tantbui

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Posts: 5
 #17 
I can only imagine. I had just lost my sweetest lil girl and now I'm in mourning crying and crying. I wish you peace and I wish you solace in these difficult times.
taypee

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Posts: 8
 #18 
i also made the almost impossible decision to say good bye to my best friend of almost 12 years just on tuesday of this week ... i understand your pain, your suffering.  i want to fast forward through the next month, i keep looking in the spots oakley use to sleep, i miss him so much it hurts.  trying to remind yourself that the decision you made was the right one is hard, but it was the right decision. im thinking of you, and just know.. you're not alone. i have so much support around me during this time, but i still wanted to turn to a group, just to see if it can ease my pain.  
overwhelmed

Registered:
Posts: 63
 #19 
Hi taypee:  thank you for your kind words of support.
I am so sorry to hear of your loss this week and I too am thinking of you.
Ah yes, the wish to fast forward a bit...I too wish that would happen.

Hugs to you, it is helpful to know that we are not alone in our grief and sadness.
Lulusmom

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Posts: 8
 #20 
Im so sorry to hear about your Riply passing. Ive been looking to anyone on this thread who may have had the similar experience ive had. I had to put my beloved dog lulu down on 10/19. She also had a very hard time walking and I couldn't bare to see her suffer. It was a quick choice, as I had wanted to wait to see if things got better but watching her not even able to get up without falling was a sight I couldn't bare. I also cant even remember the few hours before the vet came to our home to euthanize her. It was the hardest day of my life.

Sending hugs to you, I grieve with you 

Hugs 

Lulus Mom
overwhelmed

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Posts: 63
 #21 
Dear lulusmom, I am sorry about the loss of lulu. She passed the day after RIP.
Waiting for the vet to come to euthanize was the worst time of my life. And then, just like that, he was gone.
RIP had gone blind the day before, he was not going to get better. This was just one more issue on top of all the rest. I know that to try to do any more treatments would be selfish on my part..as I would be keeping him alive only for me. He had already given 150%.
Poor Lulu..I know that seeing her struggle to walk would have been awful. But despite the pain iof losing her, you too were able to come to the decision that enough was enough. You gave her the ultimate gift to free her from pain.

Hugs to you for having the strength...
Nala

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Posts: 2
 #22 
I just had the same situation with my dog, Nala, of 15 years.  There wasn't one specific thing that caused us to make the call.  It was many together...Cushing's Disease and the side effects...skin problems, back end not working great and worsening with dropping temperatures, she wouldn't greet me at the door like she used to, UTI's, going to the bathroom in the house, tensing up when you would pet her, couldn't go up and down the stairs, didn't play or chew treats like she used to, her sight and hearing was bad, and slept all day/night.

I called about 4 hours prior to putting her down.  I'm questioning my decision and wish I could bring her back.  I miss her so much.  She passed away 3.5 days ago.  I had no idea it would hurt this much.  I've been having breakdowns and sobbing uncontrollably since. I can't stop thinking about her.  I get angry at my cat for still being here. I don't want to do anything, I'm sleeping all the time.  I remember her every time I walk in/out of the house, when I go to bed, sit in the kitchen or living, and any time I move around.  She never left my side, until things started getting worse this past summer.

She was definitely one of a kind. She was a black & tan dachshund.  She was my buddy and little side for so long.  I miss her toenails on the floor, her scratching at the door, sleeping in the bed with us, and her just being in the house with me.
overwhelmed

Registered:
Posts: 63
 #23 
I am so sorry to hear of Nala's passing
Yes, it hurts soooo much!!!! These days I have to do everything in my power to stop myself from thinking of RIP as it is the only way I can get through the day.

It is so hard to watch them age..and then suddenly you are trying to manage many issues! I hope you can stop second guessing yourself about whether you should have gone through with it.. I think we all do it...but there is not much to be gained with this thought process as you only end up beating up yourself!!

I made the appointment 6 hours in advance..I know some folks make it days in advance..I couldn't have lived through days of that misery. Something just clicked in me and I knew it was time.

When you end up taking care of so many issues, I think that it makes it harder when you lose them as you lose purpose in life..my daily ritual was to cater to him and ensure his comfort!!

In the past I have also felt anger toward the living animals. I hope you will one day be able to open yourself up to receiving love from your kitty cat because as you know, our pets can bring us so much joy and love.
Thinking of you and Nala..
Nala

Registered:
Posts: 2
 #24 
Thank you for responding.
I'm feeling a little better now. Today is a week. I almost made it through the day without crying yesterday.
The pain really is getting better everyday. I honestly didn't it could possibly get better.
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