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Nefret999

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Posts: 154
 #41 
Last night I had a dream about my boy.

I dreamed I was sitting in my garage smoking cigarettes, and there he came: slinking under the door and stepping so quietly, like he always used to do.

I was so happy to see him. Like, I could physically feel the rush of happiness and love in my chest. I greeted him, like I always used to do, and said "Mister Weird! There you are! I knew you'd come back!"

He looked so pretty. So gorgeous. So sleek and so shiny. His beautiful golden-green eyes gave me that low-lidded look. He came in close, stretched his neck out for me to pet him.

I think I said something like "Come lay down beside me, boy." I can't remember. I just remember him looking just as pretty as I always remember him to be. And I remember how happy I was to see him, and that I knew he would come back. There wasn't any reaction of "But you're dead!" It was only "I knew you'd come back."

I don't know what it all means. This is twice he's appeared to me in dreams. Looking so pretty and so stylish. I don't know if he's trying to comfort me or what. I just know that afterwards, it's so terribly bittersweet. It also does magic to heal those horrible last memories of finding him. It's like the dreams are the last time I saw him, not that terrible time.

I want to go home and weep for the rest of the day. God help me.
Nefret999

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Posts: 154
 #42 
I wanted to show you a picture of my beautiful boy so that you have a face to put with the name.[image]
Zippermom

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Posts: 140
 #43 
He is a handsome boy. I am so happy for you. Yet, I am so jealous of you. I haven't had any dream about my boy, Zipper. I am dying wants to know he is doing. God help me!
Pidolin

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Posts: 311
 #44 
A very beautiful boy! Maybe he came to you to tell you that he is ok and that he loves you..I had a similar dream, it was so real...for a split second I thought I wasn't dreaming...
Nefret999

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Posts: 154
 #45 
Thank you, guys. He was so pretty. There's just something about grey cats, and he had some extra something.

I've been oddly peaceful since the dream. That's twice now that I've dreamed of him. I've cried a bit when I think of him and how I miss him, but yeah, the dream has done a lot to set me at peace.

I miss him like hell, and I'm sickeningly sad, don't get me wrong, but...I have been helped by it so much.
Pidolin

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Posts: 311
 #46 
I also don't know what happens, but such dreams are miracles. Once I had a dream that both my little boy and my father came to visit and I felt great afterwards...it was so real..it must be something about it....
Nefret999

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Posts: 154
 #47 
The last two Monday candle ceremonies I have missed because I've been sleeping. I don't feel terribly guilty (just a bit) because sleep is a rarity for me since I lost the boy. I take it when I can get it. If the melatonin works, then I'm going to sleep.

But I do miss being at the candle ceremonies.

I need to light a candle for a friend's furbaby. She's wondering if it's time to put her to sleep as her general quality of life is diminishing. She's had her baby for 18 years, and I am so devastated for her.

Anyhow, I'm still coping after the loss of Mister Weird. I miss him so much. I was pouring out water for the strays outside, and I just started crying. I was thinking about how much I miss giving him water and giving him food and giving him a place to sleep. It hurts me so bad that I can never take care of him again. That I can never make him comfortable again.

Sometimes I just feel like a lost little girl who misses her kitty cat.

If you're reading this, and your heart hurts for your loss, please know that I am thinking of you, and hoping that we all heal.
Pidolin

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Posts: 311
 #48 
My heart hurts so bad and I am still totally devastated...on 1 May it will be 4 months....😣
Nefret999

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Posts: 154
 #49 
Last Sunday marked 4 weeks since I found my boy dead, and the 26th was officially a month. It was very, very hard for me.

Last Sunday I decided I had to mow the lawn. It hasn't been mowed for months, and here in Florida, strange 4 foot weeds will grow suddenly and they need to be removed. I had to mow oh so delicately around his little grave. It made me so sad. I remember that he hated when I mowed. When he saw me take out the mower, he would run away and stay gone for a long time after I was done. It made me so sad that I was mowing so close to his little body.

But before I mowed, I took down all the stuff that I had piled up on top of his grave to prevent anything from getting to him again. The porch chairs, the garden hose roller, the grill, plywood sheets. In my panic after we had to rebury him, I went a little overboard protecting the grave. For the last month I've been apologizing to him for it looking like a trash heap. And I constantly looked out the window, day and night, to make sure that it wasn't disturbed.

It gave me a lot of anxiety to dismantle all that and leave just the pavers there on top of the grave. I turn the back porch light on and at night I'm always looking out there to make sure he's still at rest. So it's been almost a week since I did that, and nothing has bothered him so far. The knot in my stomach has relaxed somewhat in regards to that. But I'm still always checking to make sure he's ok.

My maintenance superintendent told me that hibiscus trees are a lot cheaper than what I had expected, so I might get three instead of just the one I had planned for Mister Weird's grave. I want to plant one east, north and south of him.

It's strange; I've looked out the window and seen a couple of the strays laying on the sandy dirt around Mister's grave. They like rolling in it. I find it somewhat bittersweet because he was always so gentle with all the other cats I took care of. I called him the Shepherd of the Strays. He looked after them, too. And now they play and lay and hunt and rest around where he rests. So strange.

I started torturing myself the other day about if he was really dead when we buried him. Honestly, I don't know why I hate myself so much to want to destroy myself with these thoughts. Of course he was gone. But I kept asking myself what if he was just unconscious, what if he was just in a coma, what if, what if, what if...No, I know what I saw. The things I saw don't happen unless something is dead. So I shut those horrible thoughts down.

Just a minute ago I wandered through the backyard with my other strays and I ended up at his grave. Not my usual time to visit. I was so overwhelmed with missing him. I feel like I failed him. All the other strays are still alive; why not him? I feel so bad for what I might have done, what I didnt do, what he needed from me, and what I didn't give.

I miss my boy so much. I wish I could have fixed things and made them right so he would still be here.
Zippermom

Registered:
Posts: 140
 #50 
I understand exactly how you feel. Just like you, I wish I can turn back the clock, fix things and make it right, and maybe he can still be here. I keep asking myself was it something I did or I missed?

it will be 5 weeks tomorrow. it still feels unreal.
Pidolin

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Posts: 311
 #51 
The same here....I so badly want him back that my whole body hurts me....he left me so unexpectedly that I am still in a state of shock, even though it will be 4 months tomorrow...
I also torture myself with all sorts of questions...and they come in waves....he just had a skin infection, but the vet gave him a wrong antibiotic and he ended up in a septic shock....the vet even told me how healthy he was when I first brought him...the vet even told me that his blood was perfect, he didn't have arthritis, all his organs were in perfect condition.....even the vet said that the skin infection was nothing to worry about...he'll just take antibiotics for a few days....Westies are prone to skin infections.....yet all of a sudden the bacteria from the infection suddenly entered his blood stream and he was gone in a septic shock....
He was 12...I knew that he couldn't live forever, but I thought 2-3 more years were feasible, given that he never had any either genetical or acquired illnesses and he was in perfect condition at the age of 12, which is not very old for Westies....
..even the vet told me that his diet was great because indystrial food was full of additives...even the vet told me that all his organs were in perfect condition because he ate home made food without additives...

All this makes my situation even worse...all his life I took special care of his diet...because I wanted him to have a quality life for as long as possible.....and then...the vet didn't recognise the bacteria that entered his skin and gave him a wrong treatmant....and he was gone.....just like that....is it a destiny or what....a more capable vet would have given him the right antibiotics and he would have been fine....this thought still kills me.....
Marjo

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Posts: 16
 #52 
I have not posted in several weeks but I have been following others' posts. It is four weeks ago exactly today that we put our dog Ruby down. I have been trying to pick my life up again but it has been so hard. I have never lost anyone close to me, Ruby was my first major bereavement. I think about her all day long and I miss her so. I know her kidneys gave out, I know there was nothing we could do but I still call her name and I kiss her photos every day. I so feel for those of you whose pet died due to non-aging issues. I cry for you and pray you get peace. I just hope our furry children come to us in a dream to tell us they are now okay, and not to worry because we will reunite with them eventually.....
ILoveYouBitty

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Posts: 119
 #53 
PLEASE don't blame yourself.  Your angel was lucky to have you.
Nefret999

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Posts: 154
 #54 
Hey all.

It's been nearly a month since I posted on my topic here.

I have slowly, s...l...o...w...l...y, been working through my grief over the loss of my dear, sweet Mister Weird. I have taken my time, I have been gentle with myself, I have allowed myself to talk about him and share about him (with the people in my life) without shame or fear of judgment. I have been working on a design for a marker that I am going to place on his grave in my backyard. (Working at a cemetery means I have great connections in the department, especially since I'm the marker designer).

I visit his grave every day. I bring him flowers now instead of food. I say good morning to him and I say good night.

Oddly enough, the other strays have taken to laying around his grave now. They roll in the sandy dirt. They lay on top of the pavers I have there now. They hunt around his grave.

I cannot explain to you the relief of stress I felt when I realized that nothing was going to bother his grave again. I could literally feel the knot in my stomach untying, the weight on my chest disappearing.

I miss him so much. Of course I do. He was a constant in my life for 3 years. I took care of him. He greeted me when I got home from work every day. He said goodbye to me when I left every day. He was always there. Of course I miss him. And I must acknowledge that love and loyalty. He was worth it. He deserves it.

A month ago, I didn't think I would survive this loss. It is so terrible and so ponderous. I felt like I would be crushed by it. That I would dry up and blow away. And I began thinking of all the animals who would suffer if I weren't around to help and take care of them. I thought of all the future Mister Weird's who would never have a chance if I decided to turn away, or give up, or lay down and not move. I have to get up and keep going. For all the future cats and dogs and animals. For Mister Weird himself. He would be so upset with me if I gave up. He would nudge me and look at me with those big beautiful golden-green eyes  and wonder why I wasn't doing what I know I should be doing.

This coming June marks a year that I will have been sober from alcohol. I would be lying if I told you that the time after Mister's death was easy. I wanted to drink myself into a stupor so badly. I wanted to drown myself in a bottle of whiskey and forget everything. But even then: I knew that Mister would be so disappointed in me. He would be so sad to see that I was so sad. He used to see me fall-down drunk when I was at my worst, and he would always lay up against me and give me comfort while looking at me with concern.

Bah, I'm starting to babble. I should wrap it up. I just wanted to check in with you all and say hello, and thank you for everything. You all truly helped me so much in the aftermath of my loss. You're still helping me, just by being there to read this. I hope that I have offered or that I can offer you comfort in your grief, as well. Now, I must visit some of the newer posts to the board since it has been so long since I've been around.

Thank you all, and here's to you, Mister.
Zippermom

Registered:
Posts: 140
 #55 
It's good hear from you. It's hard to beilieve it' has been almost 2 months. It feels like long long time ago. I am slowly to accept the fact that my boy will not be coming back. However, I am still riding that emotional roller coaster. Some days are better than the other.

It's nice to hear other strays are laying around Mister's grave. They are keeping him company and in the way protecting him. You are doing a good deed in taking care of those cats. Mister is smiling at you!
Nefret999

Registered:
Posts: 154
 #56 
Missing my boy really badly the last couple of days. Don't know why. It's been gray and rainy, so that might be the reason. It's so hard for me to accept that he's gone. I miss him so much. I really do. I miss his loyalty, and his presence, and his eyes, and his everything.

When I look at his grave it feels like a fist tightening around my heart. I can't believe he's there in the ground, and not by my side where I know he would be. I can't believe my little pretty boy is dead. He left me here without him, the boy who would never leave me.

All the other strays are ok. They hang around like always. It's so hard for me to accept that he is gone.

I don't think I realized how much I loved him until he was gone. I didn't know. My heart had no idea how important he had become.

I miss him so much. I'm crying just as hard as I did when I found him all those weeks ago. Why did this happen? Why did this terrible thing happen to us?
Pidolin

Registered:
Posts: 311
 #57 
Dear Nefret999,
I feel exactly the same. Today is five months and seven days since I kissed my baby for the last time and I still feel really bad...I so desperately miss him...I thought he would be with me for a few more years and I still cannot come to terms with his unexpected departure...every single day I remember what we did last year when he was by my side alive and kicking...❤❤
Zippermom

Registered:
Posts: 140
 #58 
I feel the same way especially on the stormy days. My boy was so afraid of the thunderstorms. He used to sit or lay by my side and shaking really bad during the thunderstorms. I still talked to my boy in the morning, in the car, every time I leaving and coming to the house, and every night before bed. I missed him so much!
Idiot1

Registered:
Posts: 18
 #59 
Dear Nefret
I read about you finding your boy , the way you did, just like another person did in another thread, i feel so sorry the way you found out. Its the worst possible thing, i cant imagine the shock. I can also understand the guilt. A few days back i lost an owl, i still think its partly my fault, but also two years back i lost my pet who was my whole life. He had a disease that even the vet couldn't figure out. It was slowly killing him, and one day it did. I wasn't prepared for his death, and it took me a long time to recover. I was filled with bitter feelings, and you're right the feeling of guilt is just death. I mean, there is no way to go forward if you bear such a heavy burden, and it feels like time is a trap you know. I sometimes think did it even happen, i mean did my animals even exist, one moment they're there, and when they're gone, they're just gone, there's nothing memories dont feel enough, no amount of pictures feel enough , but that's the price of giving your heart to animals, especially the love of wild animals, which has to be earned. Earning the love of a wild or free animal is the most beautiful feeling i think. I keep telling myself to be prepared for anyone of my animals might be taken away cos their lives are so short, and i keep saying to myself ill just be ready. But it doesn't work, we're never ready. Youll figure out a way to deal with guilt. When i was hurting a lot more than now, it helped me to spend time on forums like these and read about other people, who are brave and kind suffered from the same unfairness.
surferwoman

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Posts: 8
 #60 
The grief is so unbearable.  I feel so guilty that I could not save my baby, Boots.  He had Diabetes and I had him put down.  I loved him so much.  I will never love again. 
Kew86

Registered:
Posts: 2
 #61 
I am so sorry for the loss of your friend and I want to say thank you for giving him the love he probably never would have gotten otherwise!! I too take care of strays and a piece of my heart dies a little each time one of them dies or go missing. I've taken a couple inside that would let me, but the most run around outside and I do my best to keep track of them. It is so hard to deal with the loss of a cat. I lost my first cat in December and my second cat just on Friday. I am a mess. It sounds awful but hearing other people who loves their fur babies as much as I did, really helps me. There is no way to get over it, but time will help ease it. I still miss my Jazzy every day and don't foresee a day that I won't, but now I can smile at her memory. I now have to work on doing the same for my Tiger. Stay strong and keep posting if it helps you.
Nefret999

Registered:
Posts: 154
 #62 
It has been six months since I last posted on this thread. Six very long months. I have been through hell and back in that time. Not saying that I still don't have terrible days, but I have learned to cope with it much better than I was coping six months ago.

In August I finally purchased and installed a beautiful memorial headstone for my Mister Weird. It lays above him where he is buried. The marker company worked with me on exactly what I wanted, and I couldn't have been more pleased.

I honestly believe that designing and installing this marker helped me in immeasurable ways. I had a mental block about accepting his death. I couldn't get over it. I was wearing a groove into my heart and soul because I couldn't let go. I couldn't continue my life. As soon as I contacted the marker company and began the process of designing his memorial, I could feel the knot loosen. I could feel the weight being lifted. I could see the light again. Knowing that I was going to create something to show that this beautiful creature existed and that I loved him...made everything that much easier to deal with.

I say hello to him every day and that I love him. Seeing this beautiful stone over his grave rather than just a patch of earth has helped me heal.

I wanted you all to see it. I hope you find it as beautiful as I do. I even put a quote from Shakespeare's Hamlet on it because it described him so perfectly.

[Mister3]



[Mister2]



[Mister1]
Nefret999

Registered:
Posts: 154
 #63 
I miss you, Mister. It's a cold night in Florida, and you're not laying up against me to stay warm. I'm so sorry that you're out there in the cold ground.

I love you, I miss you, and I'm sorry, my pretty boy.
Tanker_1

Registered:
Posts: 67
 #64 
(((hugs)))
Its beautiful. You sound like a very nice person. Thank you for taking care of the strays like you do. I have to wonder if grief helps keep our friends closer to us. 
Pidolin

Registered:
Posts: 311
 #65 
Dear Nefret999,
The marker of Mister Weird's life is such a great monument of love. I felt the same way...I made a similar marker for my beloved and precious Pido and it did make me a little bit better. I also have troubles to let go...my angel left this world on 1 January 2017.....the first anniversary is approaching soon and I feel very sad.
I can see that your love for Mr Weird is very strong.....he now lives in the safest place on Earth...in your heart...I cannot offer much comfort because I am on the same boat as yiu...but at least I truly understand you and can feel your pain.
I am sending you hugs
Diana, Pido's Mom
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