I started journaling the last few months of my Idgie girl. I will update this each month between now and December when she passed. Maybe it will help someone with their grief and understanding just how hard this is to go through.
"I woke up this morning and within a short while, I knew it was time. I am not sure what set it off. I am not in denial, but more like, damn it's really time to do this. Not, "is it really time to do this?", but It's time to do this. If I do this now, she will never know a bad day other than being alone while I was at work."
She is happy, but for how long? She has a hard time breathing. Walking is getting harder too. She still wants to beg stuff out of the fridge and runs to the potty on the side of the house. She hates getting her toenails trimmed. She is not the big strong dog she used to be. She used to get so excited when we went places. We walked yesterday for a very short walk at the college. She dragged back the whole time.
7-8-17 "I felt very sad taking a walk at the campus tonight even though I have been walking for almost a year without her. I felt very alone like she is an umbilical cord of some kind to something. I want to spend every moment with her. Going out without her while she is at home is way different than going without her forever."
7-9-17 "She woke up this morning in good spirits wanting her breakfast as usual. She is sleeping contently through the night. Giving her aspirin helps her sleep. Must be painful with arthritis. Get up Idgie, let's go for an adventure. Those days are over…and that makes me sad."
7-11-2017 We had a great walk at the campus. She kept up and did not want to go back.
7-10-2017 "I asked her if she wanted to go for a walk and she did. She took 1.5 laps around her park and then did not fight too much to get back in the car."
7-12-2017 "She is doing really well and runs in the house. It has stopped my grieving. It is giving me a false sense of security that I do not have to let her go.
I am not sure it is fair to make her be by herself while I am gone to work. Can I grieve at work without making mistakes if I wait until later? It's so hot. Seems unfair to make her deal with this. She cannot be outside on the grass under the tree. She is not in apparent pain, but for how long? Raspy breathing, losing bladder control, rickety steps. I do not want to be put into an emergency situation with her, needing a vet in the middle of the night. Why in the hell do we have to make an appointment to put our dogs down?
7/23/2017 From here on out her life is only going to get worse. She will not EVER go for a walk around the block again. I want her to be awake and alive, but I do not want her to bother me. Some of this is because it is too hot for her to be outside. Is quality of life very good if she only sleeps? 7/25/2017 Well, she won. I am back to cooking her food.
I took a walk this morning without her. She was still in bed. I missed her and went straight home and woke her up. She was very groggy and barely moved. I was afraid she was deteriorating. I gave her, her breakfast pills and she acted like she did not want them. Then she ate her biscuits and sprang to life. She did her business in the ivy and ran around. 7-23-2017 in the afternoon
Its later in the day and I am concerned that her belly is distended for the amount of food she has NOT been eating lately. It is 103 outside, she is panting, but she feels very cool to my touch. Thinking about putting her down is starting up again. She hates her food. Why is this so hard?