Registered: 1575594027 Posts: 1
I guess I don’t really know what to do. I’m not good at expressing myself in fact I find it difficult. The one I could truly open up to is gone...
I got my pup when my age still ended in teen and for 12yrs almost 13, he’s been my world. Chance. My best friend. As I said I keep a lot hidden inside but with him, with him I could pour out my very soul into his soft ears. I’m feeling so much right now;hurt, guilt, emptiness, loneliness. I’m just lost. I feel so much guilt. The usual why’s and what if’. How did I not know he was sicker?? I should’ve known. He was mine and I let him down in the worst way. After all the times he’s been there when I needed him and I failed him. I should have known. I should have did something. Asked for an x-ray, blood test anything! I thought stupidly that it was just a cold just a stupid cold. God I’m the stupid one. I took him to his regular vet for a nose bleed, we went home with nose drops and antibiotics. Chance looked like he was getting better. He was so happy and his tail was very wiggly, I thought, I thought he was getting better. Then he wasn’t. He became tired, still though he provided me with tail wags in true Labrador fashion. I thought his sugars were low. He was a diabetic so I thought I’ll take him to get his sugars tested and we’ll get him fixed up. As the night wore on he kept vomiting, all through the night. Around 5 in the morning I fell asleep next to him and when I woke up at 7 I knew his sugars had dropped very low. I took him to his emergency vet hospital to see his internal medicine Dr. I thought “okay a few days in the hospital to get him better.” We’ve done this before.” Not more than 10 minutes his internal Dr. came out asking if I wanted to resuscitate. I knew then that it was more then sugars or a dumb cold. Time passed and I see her coming again. You know that moment when you realize everything is about to change? She took me to the back room and told me Chance had fluid in his lungs, his sugars have dropped and he has nodes in his chest that show signs of cancer that is somewhere else in his body. It already began to spread to his chest. She made it clear that he had a 25% chance of coming home, she wasn’t sure if he would even survive the night. I didn’t want him to be in pain and all alone when he passed. I wanted to hold his paw and comfort him as he passed. I made a promise almost 2 years ago, that if he did this one thing for me I would never make him fight so hard again. He beat cancer before, it took his front leg but didn’t take his life. He was strong. And the bravest boy I knew. Once I heard cancer I made the decision to euthanize. 3 hours, in the space of 3 hours I lost the one thing I truly loved. When I got to say goodbye he was barley moving and I could see he was in pain. I never want that for him. I love him so so much. But what seemed like the right decision then feels like a mistake now. I’ll never know if he would’ve made it through the night. I’ll never know if I gave up to soon. Everything hurts I feel like I pushed my best friend to death without even fighting. I just wanted to do what was best for him and I don’t know what that was. And I’ll never know. I keep thinking over and over, would he feel different about me if he knew that I was the one that ended his life. The one person he trusted to have his back. Chance was the very best part of me. The sweetest boy I’ve ever met. He softened my heart in only a way a dog could.
Registered: 1444060919 Posts: 640
I am sorry for you loss. In the space of 3 hours your lost your whole world. Having to make a decision on the spot is really, really hard. I know, I have done it. My dog Tum was 16 when I took her to the vet aned I left without her. Totally unprepared and not expecting that. My life changed forever and I don't think I have to tell you, it changed for the worst.
None of us know unless we are some brilliant genius on how to deal with these things. You didn't fight this time because you promised him in the past that you would not make him fight again. Death isn't pretty. Yes, there is the occasional death scenario where the description of how it all went down fits like something out of a beautiful novel. But for many of us and perhaps most of us..that is not the case. I know what you mean about how this is not how you wanted his life to end. There is a feeling that we took part in something ugly..that we allowed something bad to happen. Actually...we did not orchestrate what went down. We too were victimized by it. Non one wants this kind of thing to play out. You were there. That's more than can be said for some dogs. And your boy knew you were there. That's a comfort, trust me. Death for an animal is not the trauma it is for we humans. The whole picture, the whole story you described...my story is very very similar. I was horrified by my own behavior that I would not have fought to pull my dog out of the vet office and not let that horrible euthanasia go down. Tum was on the floor weak. And I let her life be taken. This was a girl dog who was treated like the world's best daughter her whole life. And I let some pretty much stranger..a vet...decide what to do in a case like this? I mean I decided but it was just awful. While I was holding Tum on the floor after she was dead the vet poked her head into the room and said "I have to leave now. I go home at lunch to feed my pets". What a horrible thing to say to someone who is laying there with their dead dog. I really know none of this makes sense right now. What has happened to you. In due time the disturbing feelings with ease up. But for now it's all normal. I am so so sorry for you. My heart bleeds once again as I remember Tum and how things ended. God bless you, Stephanie
Registered: 1158205770 Posts: 839
I am so sorry for your pain. We love our babies so much and when they leave us we have to learn how to let go, one of the difficult things we have to experience. Just as you wrote they do become the best part of us, I believe that with all my heart. With some people we feel we have to act a certain way, with Chance you could be yourself, silly or sad it didn't matter, Chance loved you every moment he spent with you. Please put away your thoughts of guilt, you did nothing wrong. Even a vet with all his or her experience can't always look at an animal and know what is going on. Without bloodwork, x-rays or other types of tests they can't diagnose an illness. When your vet determined what was wrong you made the decision to let him go because you did not want him to suffer. I would have done the same thing. We give our precious friends every good thing we can out of our deep love for them. Sadly there comes a time to release them from a body that is old and tired and causing them unbearable pain. It is our final gift to them, as much as I hate those words I believe they are true. Chance loves you, he always has and always will. He knows you did what was best for him.
I don't know your religious beliefs or even if you have any, but I believe we will be with these precious creatures again. Allow yourself to grieve, let your tears flow, look at his pictures, do whatever eases your pain. All of us at Petloss understand your pain and are here to offer comfort and support. You will be in my thoughts and prayers. Rest in peace dear Chance.