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Terri0759

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Posts: 22
 #1 
It's been 9 days since I had to put my 14 year old Australian Shepherd down.  I am so lost and heart broken with out him.  I don't know if I can get through this.  He was everything to me.  I didn't do anything without considering him first.  I didn't realize how much I talked to him at home.  Now there is no one.  Just an empty house.  I can't put his things away, I can't even vacuum because I don't want to remove his hair from the carpet.  I had to put a gate up between the kitchen and living room because he couldn't stand on the floor without falling (he had arthritis (??) in his back and hips) but I still keep the gate closed.  Still have all his meds on the counter.  I had just bought a big bag of treats, am going to try and give them to my brothers dog if I can.  I just don't know how to get through this when he was my whole life.  I could not have children and he was my baby boy.  I just want to be with him again, I miss him so much I just can't bear it.  I even have a hard time eating.  I feel guity to eat.  He loved to eat and would always get my last bite no matter what I was eating.  He wouldn't beg he just seemed to know when I was down to the last bite then would come to me.  He loved his treats.  I would give him a treat after giving his meds twice a day and he would let me know when it was time for his meds, he was so cute.  I just want to be with him. 

I love you my baby boy......
HelenY

Registered:
Posts: 1,415
 #2 
Dear Terri--

     Reading your post brought tears to my eyes as it brings back so many memories for me.  It's been 3 years (next week) since I lost my heart dog, Teddy, and I still have many moments of sadness.  The triggers are all around, and I still can't confront certain things that remind me of her.  The sweater that I wore the day I said good-bye is in my drawer--never to be worn again; her leash is put away in a box with her toys; and the container where all her vitamins were stored is unopened on the same shelf.  And believe me, this is just to name a few.
     Terri, know that you are surrounded by a loving and caring family here who have been through what you're experiencing now.  We are all here to support and help you at this extremely sad time.  I know that your precious little boy had a peaceful journey to the Bridge, carrying all your love with him.

      "When you are sorrowful, look again in your heart, and you shall see that, in truth, you are weeping for that which has been your delight."

                                          Kahlil Gibran

       Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers--

                                Teddy's Mom, Helen 
LoriDR

Registered:
Posts: 2,123
 #3 
Oh (((Terri)))

Your post touched me very deeply ... I came to these boards for the exact reason you did ... my Australian Shepherd died too. You aren't alone my friend. I couldn't have children either, and my boy ... my Aussie, was my whole world. You had your boy for a few years longer than I was able to have mine. My boy died at the age of 11 1/2. I thought he'd live to be 14 or 15, but it wasn't to be for him.

All the things you described as to how you feel ... I felt the same way. I had no idea how I was going to go on without him. He was my only child. I never had children, nor did I have a dog before him. He and I connected like I never did with any human. He came with me everywhere, and he was also a flyball dog.

Don't worry about putting his things away. Little by little, over time, you'll find they'll get put away eventually. Here I am, 16 months later, and I still keep his dog bed in the corner where it used to be. It's the one thing I couldn't part with ... at least not yet.

But, you must know, your sweet Aussie would not want you to neglect yourself because he liked his treats. Didn't he used to like to see you happy? I know my boy did. The only thing that kept me going, was that I knew my boy didn't like it when I was sad. In the beginning, I talked to him and told him I needed to cry for a while, but that I promised I'd go on for him.

Knowing Piezon (my dog) wanted me to get through the grief, and holding these people's hands on these boards, is what got me through. And yes, I still feel his grand presence missing in my life, but it's not as hard anymore. You'll be able to do it too. For now, let yourself grieve. Come here and talk out your feelings and share about your Aussie. What is his name? What color is he? My boy was a black & white-bi, standing taller than most Aussies. He was a big guy, in more ways than one.

I know how difficult it is ... I know that lost feeling ... it's agonizing. I felt like I was on a lonely road standing in the middle of many forks, not knowing which route to take. I just stood there for months not knowing which way to go. My heart goes out to you. Hang in there.

Hugs of comfort,
Lori

Mare

Registered:
Posts: 11,059
 #4 
I am very sorry for your heartbreaking loss.  Losing a beloved pet is a tragedy.  Life feels so empty without them and you miss everything about them....even the clean up chores!  I lost my bunny two years ago and still miss him dearly.  The intense pain has eased, but I would give anything to have him back with me.  Pets are so precious and such a wonderful gift from God.   My heart goes out to you.

Mare
precious Christoph ~ 2 years now ~

pipersmom1

Registered:
Posts: 12
 #5 
Terri,I am so very sorry for the loss of your boy. I am in the early stages of my grief as well. I lost my girl Maggie just 2 weeks ago,and the pain is intense. I had no idea it would be so difficult. I have lost pets before,and it was sad,but not this intense sadness and actual physical pain. My girl was only 5,so in addition to the sadness I have the added pain of grieving all of the years I didn't get with her
They say it gets better with time,and I believe it does,but that doesn't help us now.
I deal with my sadness by keeping really busy. A coping skill I used when my first marriage ended. I exercise like a fanatic,go on long walks with my other dog,and try to be around upbeat people. It is hard to eat,I just make myself because I know I have to.
You have a very supportive group here,who know exactly what you are feeling. Just knowing you're not alone should provide some comfort.
Please take care of yourself the best you can. 
LukesDad

Registered:
Posts: 564
 #6 
Terri, I wish that there was something I could say to you to make your pain go away.  You love you precious baby so much....that's one of the problems with those of us who love so deeply!  We tend to grieve and feel the pain of the loss so much more deeply, as well!  When I lost my two pups, Luke and Lil, in July, just three weeks apart, I too wondered how I could ever go on.  In fact, I wasn't sure that I wanted to!  But, after I was guided to this forum, and found all of these special and sweet people who could comfort and support me through the pain.....because they've been there, too.....my grief started to become less and less.  Understand that the pain of your loss will never totally go away....how could it when your relationship was so special?  But, it will get better, and you will find your broken heart begin to heal.  I can only tell you that I know my Luke and Lil are still looking out for me, and sometimes I can feel their presence so strongly.  I have received so many signs that they are still with me.....I no longer have any doubts about the bonds of love that can never be severed by physical death!!

Your pain is still so raw; your loss so recent.  Please keep coming back to this group of folks who I can without a doubt say saved my sanity, if not my life through the pain, guilt, anger. second guessing myself...you name it!!

May God Bless you and give you comfort in your grief and pain!  May you soon begin to realize that healing can happen for you, and that your precious baby is still with you and watching over you!  Rick
Terri0759

Registered:
Posts: 22
 #7 
Thanks for the supportive replies.  Today has been even worse.  Have broke down often today.  I know the pain will get better in time but today seems like I'm going backwards and the pain is getting worse.  I have had to put down my dogs in the past and it was so hard but this time is so much worse.  We had been through so much together and he pulled me through the rough times.  It was like he could read my mind.  There was such a connection between us.  I feel like part of me has died with him. 

Lori, it's a comfort to me knowing that you still have Piezon's bed out after 16 months.  My family keeps telling me I need to remove all Toby's stuff, that me keeping everything out is just making it worse on myself.  So I am going to just ignore them and keep his things out until I am ready to remove them.  It is also a comfort knowing that there are people who understand that Toby was like a child to me.  So many people do not understand that.  My Toby was also a big boy.  He was 77 lbs.  He was tri colored, black, white and tan.  I've put in a request to help post his pic so hopefully I can post that soon.  I lost almost all the pic's I had of him. I had them stored on my computer and it crashed.  Family has sent pic's they had.  I have only one of us together.  Hate that I don't have more of him but am thankful that my family had a few.  He loved, loved his ball.  He wouldn't even eat unless he had his ball right next to his bowl in a certain position.  He was so cute, watching him nudge his ball with his nose until he got it in just the right place that he wanted it.  Most of the time he had his ball at all times.  If he couldn't find it he would start barking at me to find it, I would tell him "you go find it" and he would run off looking for it one more time and if he still didn't find it then I would have to cause he would not stop until he had it. 

Pipersmom, so sorry you lost your pup at such a young age.  It does make me realize that I am thankful to have him as long as I did.  Our babies passed so close together maybe they are playing together in heaven.  I hope so.  I hope he is happy and is not lonely.

Rick, to lose Luke and Lil 3 weeks apart is just unthinkable.  I don't know how you made it through it.  To lose one love is hard enough but to lose two loves so close together would be unbearable.  I am so sorry.  I keep asking Toby to give me a sign that he is okay but I haven't felt anything yet.  Hopefully one day I will.  I do wake up hearing him barking.  I also have heard his tag jingle around the house.

My brother has a maltese that I am close to and he has offered to let me take her home on the weekends.  When he first told me that I thought yes, that would help me not to be in an empty house but the more I thought about it I don't think I could bring another dog into the house even though she would just be visiting.  Maybe in more time I can do that.

I have to say when I started typing all of this I was crying and felt so desperate but after writing all of this I am not crying now and do feel a tiny bit better.  I am so very thankful for this site and all of you.

Much love,
Terri
TinaCries

Registered:
Posts: 8
 #8 
Terri,

I am so sorry for your lost.  I just lost my German Shepherd, Sydney on Saturday.  It is the most painful thing in the world.  Our stories are so similar.  My husband and I don't have children/can't.  Our dogs are our babies.

But let me tell you, you will never be to a more kinder place than here with the folks at PetLoss.  I came here 6 years ago when my first shepherd, Shane, died.  I was in so much pain.  But the loving folks here help you.  They make you cry with their kind words and similar stories.  But they help to heal you.

It helps to write about your life with your pup.  Share if for everyone to see.  I use this forum to get out my feelings and to receive the love of all of the folks who are here.  You have come to the right place.  You may not be healed.  It may take what you feel is forever.  But know that, here you will never be shamed for sharing your feelings.  No one here will ever wonder when you are going to "get over it".  Here at PetLoss, you won't hear "it's just a dog".  No, because here at petloss, we know what it's really like to love unconditionally one of God's own creatures. 

Many hugs and prayers your way.  I hope that this site helps you as much as it helped me 6 years ago and as much as it is helping me now through my second loss.

Tina

mkornreich

Registered:
Posts: 54
 #9 
I know how hard it is at the beginning. Actually, I'm only 3 months in, and it's still hard. But different. I couldn't stop crying for the first few weeks. Now I can remember my baby girl with smiles often. I'm sorry for all of us, that we have to lose our babies. Because that's what they are to us. But knowing that all of you are out there, feeling as I do, has been a life saver.

I don't necessarily believe that time heals. But your sadness will change with some time and space. Just let yourself feel whatever you are for as long as you need to.

Melissa
alex's mom
Terri0759

Registered:
Posts: 22
 #10 
11th day today since Toby has left me.  Had a really hard time yesterday.  Cried most of the day.  Crying on and off today, am very, very sad.  Don't even want to get out of bed.  It takes such an effort to get enough energy to walk.  I can't pray anymore.  Not because I blame God for the loss of Toby but because for the past 14 years I always started my prayers out with "Dear God, please protect my baby boy Toby from any harm what so ever".  Hopefully in time I will be able to pray again cause I know there are so many to pray for. 

It is really good to be able to come here and peope to know just how I feel.  It really is a comfort.  Thank you all for your kindess and understanding.  And I am sorry for all of your losses of your beloved babies.  It's so hard.

Something happened to me yesterday that really upset me (family said something) and in the past all I needed was Toby to look at me with no judgement, only love for me in his eyes and I would feel better.  I really needed him to look at me and give me a kiss and hug to make me feel better but he wans't there.  Made me feel even more alone than I had been feeling.  You all know that look, ears back a little, eyes very soft, a little smile on his face, a little tilt of his head......miss it so much!!

He would follow me everywhere I went.  I used to love it when I would be standing doing something and he would push on my legs with his head wanting me to hug him.  He would stand next to me and bounce his hip/bottom against my legs cause he would want his back scratched.  He was so sweet and loving.

I love and miss you so much my baby boy
cwigg99723

Registered:
Posts: 628
 #11 
I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet precious Toby.  There are no words of comfort that I can come up with, except that you are not alone.  You have come to the right place where you will be wrapped in comfort and understanding.

We lost our Beagle, Bonnie Lou this past June.  We had her 13 years.  My husband and I never had children together; just children from previous marriages and they are all grown and with kids of their own.  So, we called Bonnie Lou our daughter. 

We were crushed when we lost her.  This message board has been a blessing to me.  When I was at my lowest, someone here was always here to pick me up and get me through the next day.

Know that I will be thinking and praying for you in your loss.

Clara  
Berta

Registered:
Posts: 541
 #12 
Terri, I am so very sorry for your loss. I know how unbearable the pain is right now. But it will subside with time. We just have to ride through the grief and take it a day at a time. My boy Chico has been gone for 18 weeks and I still hurt every day, but it is not as intense and I can smile now remembering him instead of that heartwrenching pain.

I know that look well. Lord how I miss that, too. Our pets sometimes are the only ones in the world to give us the love and comfort we need when we are down. We can always depend on them to be there for us with their unconditional love, no matter what and they never fail us.

Again, I am so sorry. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
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