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soulsearcher77

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Posts: 25
 #1 
Hello All,
 
I am glad i found this board to release feelings and talk to caring and nice people who understand how this loss is one of the hardest things to deal with. This is my first time loosing a pet that i raised myself and not with my parents.
 
I am thrity and do not have children and my cat Amber was like my baby,i see like most people i have read. my cat was my friend my companion my love everyday. This would be the two weeks from the last day I saw her 6-19-08, and still everyday is hard to deal with waking up and not being with me, although my b-friend has not left my side unless he had too. he has been my strenght and hope for tomorrow.
 
My cat Amber, traveled from VA even with me in 2002 to Portland. so i have felt she is my connection to home and here.
 
To tell what happened to my cat still hurts. I feel guilty too for what happened. I went thursday night 6-19 and stayed at my grandmas, normally  my cat has been fine by herself over night and always returned. I thought she would be fine. But what i hadn't known was there are cayotes spotted in our neighborhood, news letter, AFTER the fact, and i feel gulit for not reading and knowing about the danger to my friend,
 
So much guilt for leaving her, alone, her dying alone. Well, the next day she never came home, Friday night some raccoon came through my pet door in the night and ate all her food. I had a horrible feeling but wasn't sure why. I had to run to work around 12:30pm on Fri so i though she would come home that night no return.
 
I searched all weekend for her everyday. All week too. I just couldnt believe it. Finally i was able to make it to the County animal shelter and found that she had died the night I left her and was found Friday morning. That is why I still feel so badly and wonder if i had been home the cayote woult not have got her and killed her. She would still be alive if I had acctually read the news letter earlier and I hete thinking that way but i guess my mind is looking for anwers.
 
The shelter let me know that her body was found at a few houses down the block from mine in a guys back yard on 6-20. I went that sat. 6-28 to talk to him. Unfortunately he told me more than i should know, her body badly attacked missing her head. how can i deal with that, I wish he never told me I just went there hoping to conferm the body since i did not see it myself at the shelther, i wanted to believe the cat he found was not mine. But it was. Why cayote in suburbs and why my cat.
 
I saw a raccoon last night and hated him, since it was between the cayote and coon as to what killed her. and definately i am almost sure it was the raccoons that came in my house that friday after she was already killed, the night before. I still dont know if a raccoon would do that or cayote.
 
i do cry everyday. i wonder when i will feel good again. i think in time but i will always miss her and love her.
MY babe AMBER
Rest in Peace
 
i would post a pic but dont know how.
any coforting words would help thanks
 
mollyboltsmom

Registered:
Posts: 991
 #2 
What an unexpected, accidental turn of events.
I know you blame yourself; don't. These kitties are such free spirits. They are so precious. And when they're gone, it just leaves such a hole in our soul.
Amber was a lucky kitty to have you to love and for you to love her. It is so hard to not blame yourself, to not feel guilty. But you must not blame yourself.
There is a thread on the Grief Support forum about how to post a picture. Just follow the instructions that are given. We'll look forward to your picture of Amber.
I am so sorry for your loss.
Molly's Mom
Gruntsmomforever

Registered:
Posts: 699
 #3 
Dear Amber's Mom/Soul Searcher,

I am so sorry you lost your beloved Amber, what a tragic loss, I am so sad for you.  I feel the pain in your post and wish I could offer you some comfort, but there are no words to take away your pain.

You are not alone in feeling guilty - no matter what the circumstance, we all have felt it.  If only we had done this or that....  it is part of our grief, part of the helplessness that we feel when we lose a precious companion and friend, our soulmate and joy of our life.  I am so sad for you that your Amber was attacked - the anguish you must feel is so understandable.  Remember the love that you shared with your precious girl during her life with you, think of it often. She is with you always in your heart, nothing can take that away.

Please know that everyone here understands all that you are feeling, and we are here for you.  Please be kind to yourself, as Amber would want you to be.

Hugs,
Katharine, Grunt's Mom Forever   
polkadots

Registered:
Posts: 117
 #4 
Amber's mom- My heart truly goes out to you.
I am so saddened to hear about your beloved Amber.

Please don't blame yourself.
I know its hard not to do, as part of me thinks somehow I could have saved Daisy from that fox if only I had tried harder to get her inside. After all, I saw the fox in our street some months ago. But hard as I tried Daisy wouldn't come in. And as MollyBoltsMom mentioned, these little darlings of ours are free spirits- and will do whatever they want to do. And it sounds like Amber really enjoyed nature and got to live and experience the most of it.

I have been doing much reading up on what type of animals do what type damage to prey etc since Daisy's passing. From the description of the scene it appears it was either a fox, coyote or great horned owl. They they can and have attacked cats, I doubt a raccoon would have left her like that.

Again, i am SO SORRY.
i know the pain you are going through. just two weeks ago for me- i feel a little better but nothing will ever change the fact hat i truly will forever deeply miss and love Daisy.

I wish you much strength and hugs,
Pat (Daisy's daddy)
soulsearcher77

Registered:
Posts: 25
 #5 
To Dasiys Daddy-

thanks for your kind words to hear others feel the same way about their loved friends and companions makes me feel not alone. i still am having a hard time loosing her and i still cry today but know that the pain will pass to all who loved her she was the most beautiful soul.



Poor dear Amber, may she be happy in the life that happens after death. After being fixed from a cat fight in April I thought she would be fine and recover. I am so sad to have not seen all her hair grow back and her loving purring face next to mine. Thanks for all your support everyone! i would not know where else to share my love for her. I miss her daily when will this change i do not know? others have said I sould get a new cat. Right now i wish i would have my Amber back but i know that is not possible.
Although i am sad i dreamed of her every night for about two weeks. They were happy dreams where she was free and i felt good every dream until i woke up finding they were in my mind. Maybe it was her telling me she is ok and having a wonderfull time where ever. Has anyone else experience these wierd dreams of their deceased pet visiting them from beyond? I think it was her? i have no idea. Lots of love to all

Laura
sweetpepe

Registered:
Posts: 143
 #6 
What a tragic loss.  I am so sorry this happened to your dear Amber.  And I wish too that you hadn't heard all the details. That's far more than you would want to know.

Try to focus on all the happy times you had with Amber.  I wish there was more I could say to help take the pain from your heart.  But I know it takes time to get over the loss of such a precious friend.

Our little dog was PTS two months ago and I still miss him very very much. 
polkadots

Registered:
Posts: 117
 #7 
Laura,

Amber is adorable and I can see her wonderful personality in her pic.
I know she was truly special.

Hang in there. I know its hard.
This weekend was very melancholy for us.
we tried hard to stay festive for the guests,
but the sadness of life without our daughter is still very hard.
And I imagine it always will be- even time won't change that.

I hope you find just a little more peace today.
thinking about you.

Pat (Daisy's forever daddy)

soulsearcher77

Registered:
Posts: 25
 #8 
Thanks daisys daddy, katherin, and peppes daddy,

All of your support is helpful to know that we understand this horrible pain of loss in our hearts. i try to think time helps but i do cry every morning and night is hard too. I just feel reality with out her is not as great and another animal or cat would just be different and not her, and all i want is her.

I try to be happy still i feel empty. i know though that i am not through healing, i have never lost an animal that i was so so so close to as my Amber and her sudden death by attack in a suburban neighborhood just blows my mind. well to all love to you take care
Ambers mom
maryjos

Registered:
Posts: 26
 #9 
I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your beautiful kitty. It's always hard and practically all of us go through many feelings of guilt, I know that I did even though there was not much I could have done to prevent the death of my beloved dog. As hard as the pain is now, eventually a time will come when you will find yourself able to open up your heart again to another cat... you can never replace her of course, but she would not want you to always be alone and you'll know when the time is right. Sometimes one will just come across your path and you'll just fall in love before you know it...I like to think that our pets are still looking out for us and will help you to heal and eventually love again. So I hope and pray that you will find your way to that place in time as well.






Taz, Dearly loved by Mary Jo, 4/28/95-5/25/08

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soulsearcher77

Registered:
Posts: 25
 #10 
Thanks maryjos,

 for sharing your story of your beautiful Taz, wow he looks amaizing and so talented. Im sure it was hard for you as well. Your pics and tribute page too brought me joy knowing that you had some great times with him.

I think yes in time a new cat will help, ,it is hard to move on thinking i will never see her again. how just a few weeks ago or a month ago she was purring happily in my lap. the think that urks me the most, is I watch a show every Thursday night.
And that thurs. the night my cat was killed, my mom had asked  me to take my Grandma who lives about 20min to 30 min away to the doctor. I was like fine sure and my grandma (who is 91) said she could drive herself. I said no i will take you no problem. then since i did not want to drive in the morning me being not a morning person. i thought i would stay at grandmas house. 

 so if i had not stayed there I feel that she (amber would be alive today. If i had not been so lazy and just drove from my house in the morning, i would be petting her right now. I had not seen the news of the Cayote in the June/July News letter and I was angered to find such important info on the 3rd page. If I had seen that as well she would be here.  All these things still haunt me today. Not even through a month and i just wish i would be better.

i guess i am, but her love i miss her presence i miss. I am sure you feel the same way about your dear beloved Taz. Thanks for your kind words, may we all heal in time, to me it was worth every second having her in my life. Every moment was great, Except when she'd pee on the Couch LOL, didnt like that, but everything else. She love everyone. and anyone if she decided you were worthy of petting her. She was adorable, so was your Taz
thanks to all for kind words
polkadots

Registered:
Posts: 117
 #11 
Taz sure is beautiful :) what a sweetheart!

Amber's mom, I feel as though we're going through the same exact emotions since our darlings were taken away at the same time in a similar way.

I've come to accept that Daisy is never coming back, and now find myself apologizing profusely to her for letting her down as a daddy. i should have done a better job protecting her. I should have called her to come in that night, no matter how much I know she probably wouldn't have as she loves it outside at night. I shouldn't have close the front door on her the very last time I saw her- when she was doing her usual "I pretend I want to come in, but really I don't want to" routine. For the first time since we moved to this house I plugged in and turned on the spotlight on the back of the shed that faces the back yard. oddly enough, that light shines right at the spot where Daisy was stolen by the coyote/fox and where we found her paws. I should have fixed that light sooner. Maybe she would have been safe in the light. the weekend before her last night, I scolded her brother Desmond for peeing on the bed while we were in it- for attention. he got his feelings hurt so bad from his first ever scolding that I spent the next two days only petting him to bring him back around. I didn't spend much time with Daisy in those two days leading up to her last night. Was she upset about that? is that why she stayed out so late? this will kill me forever.

So many shoulda/coulda/wouldas. I guess this is my vain attempt to try and turn back the hands of time. Or punish myself for not protecting one of the most beautiful souls on the planet. a soul much much more beautiful than i ever could be. i don't know...

As far as getting another cat to help, i don't know where i am on that yet. we still have Daisy's three brothers, but even they don't fill her void. only she can. as sweet as they are- her brothers are more 'cats' than 'humans'. i think you know what i mean. and how do i know that when getting another one if it will be the special  human-cat version? as hard as i try a can't get Daisy's brothers to sleep with me. this is my biggest lonely moment as it was my time with Daddy's girl. for me, there really will be only one daddy's girl in my life. And she's gone. At least only for now.

Hang in there. try and think positive thoughts. I know it's hard. we're all in this together. God bless all the beautiful souls at Rainbow Bridge.

Pat (Daisy's daddy)

kdclairmo

Registered:
Posts: 540
 #12 
Dear Laura, my heart is breaking for you of your loss of your beautfiul Amber.   First of all I want to share with you that my brother in law lost his orange kitty not even 2 years old in the very same way. He lives in San Diego, CA and his kitty Miles slipped out the door on a rainy night and he tried to get him to come back in but Miles loved it outside and had been out during the night before. In the morning his girlfriend was at the kitchen window and saw something in the backyard and asked him to go check it out and it was Miles and he was in the same condition as Amber. They heard later that there had been a series of coyote attacks in their neighborhood and asked residents to keep their pets in at night. They were both devasated and beside themselves with grief and guilt for not making Miles come in that night. Guilt is such a strong emotion and if we allow it to, it will literally eat us alive. I know, because I have been dealing with it in a different way from you, but in any case still dealing with it for over a year now since making the decision to put my 17 yr old beagle Peanut to sleep.  I have struggled daily with the fact did I do the right thing at the right time, should we have waited until she got a bit worse off? Peanut was my life, my soulmate, my everything. I have never had such a connection with an animal before in my entire life and when she died a piece of me died with her. Yes she was old and had a variety of health issues and old age, the poor thing could barely walk but still I have beat myself up over deciding the day that she would leave me. We as humans are thinkers and we go back and disect a situation and try to think of all the "could haves", should haves", what we would have done differently to change the outcome of a tragic situation. But what it comes down to is that when life is involved we really have NO control over it. A higher power does. I am slowly coming to realize that yes maybe I could have waited a day or two or maybe even a few weeks but all I would have done was prolong the inevitable and my poor girl would have suffered because of my selfishness and I never would ever want her to suffer.  You feel so guilty for going to your grandmothers to help her go to the Drs the nxt morning and blame yourself for wanting to get some sleep and not have to get up early, etc. You can't do that. You are also upset that you didn't read the newsletter about the coyote attacks, etc. You have to stop that my friend. What happened to your beautfiul kitty was a tragic accident that was not preventable. Yes maybe had you been home she might not have been out that night but what about the next morning or the night after that? Something could have happened then just as easily. Accidents are just that, accidents and is out of our control.  You need to let yourself grieve for your lost friend but you need to let the guilt and regret go because you have nothing to be guilty for. You loved your little girl with everything you had and if you had even a slight thought that something like that would happen to her you never would have let her out that day. She knows you love her and she loved you. The first few weeks really are the hardest and darkest of your life, learning to adjust to a new life without your friend and the daily routine you had with her. It will get easier some days and others the roller coaster will start again... but in time peace will come.  I still struggle and I think I always will because Peanut made such a lifelong impact on me but that is ok.  I took on her pain so she could be free of it.  Your Amber is at peace now, in a wonderous place where nothing can ever hurt her again. I am sure my Peanut was there, along with Miles and all the other furbabies we have lost welcoming her to eternity.  I wish you peace and comfort.

Karen

maryjos

Registered:
Posts: 26
 #13 
Aww, thanks so much for the nice notes on Taz. He was indeed a special fellow, I've posted a lot of videos of us performing together on YouTube, and just watching them brings a smile to my face (and tears to my eyes). Just this past week I went on a trip with my Mom and told her how he loved to lay his head on my hand when I drove. I would try to explain to him that this was not a safe way for me to drive, but I couldn't resist his gentle nudges when he wanted me to put my hand down for him to rest on. That last drive to the emergency vet still haunts me, when he was clearly in distress and would keep trying to sit up even though it was hard for him and I just gently pushed him down and told him it would be okay. I totally understand about the guilt....I think we all often go through that no matter what happens. I have tons of guilt over allowing the first vet I called to make me wait several hours, when I knew in my heart it was something serious. I just hate to make a fuss and I couldn't believe that waiting a few hours could really make the difference (and perhaps it didn't, I'll never really know). But less than an hour later, I could tell we weren't going to have hours, he was going down so fast. I'm angry at myself for not even thinking to look at his gums...I have worked as a vet tech in the past, and have more knowledge of such things than most, but stupidly, I did not even do this and if I had, I would have seen immediately that he needed help right away. I feel guilty for not taking him with me the day before. I was manning the booth for my club at a local Arts Fest, and thought about asking if I could bring him, but decided not to. He would have loved greeting all the people coming by, and the kids would have loved petting him in particular. Little did I know that was the last day I would have to spend with him. How I wish I had that day back. I was angry at myself for not taking more of his fur, I only saved a small amount and none of his beautiful red sable fur that I loved so much. What the heck was I thinking?! These are just some of the things I was angry and guilty about, my list could go on and on. But in learning about grief I learned about the stages we tend to go through and anger is one of them. I had lots of anger towards the vet hospital that wouldn't see him right away, but even more at myself. Guilt is really just anger turned inward and boy, did I find a lot to be guilty about. I finally though figured out that it was just a way to focus on something else rather than just accept that he was gone. I still haven't quite accepted it, I just tend to try and focus on other things...but at least I've gotten past all the terrible guilt and just accepted that I'm really human after all, I didn't do anything with an intent to cause him harm and I would have done whatever I could to save him if I could have, and that's all I could have asked of myself in the end. It takes time, but if you allow yourself to be fallable, eventually you can get past the guilt too.




Taz, Dearly loved by Mary Jo, 4/28/95-5/25/08
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