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KatKat

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Posts: 171
 #1 

Today is another day full of pain, wishes to go back in time and relive the moment and do it differently, grief and anger at myself.  I woke up this morning still feeling a pit in my stomach and overwhelming weight on my body and just feeling so tired and distraught.  I can’t stop thinking about it all.  Can’t stop questioning my decision of that day.  Can’t stop questioning my decision to even bring such a beautiful sweet creature into my home with my large dog.  In the end I set both my dog and my kitten up for failure. 

About a year and a half ago I had my 16 year old dog euthanized because he was very ill.  He was a smaller dog – about 25 lbs.  We adopted our big guy out a shelter and essentially saved his life because it is a shelter that does euthanize animals that don’t get adopted.  He bonded deeply with us.  I did have a couple of times where he went after my little guy once over a toy and I don’t even remember the other reason but he was injured, not severely but there were cuts and some bleeding.  I did not leave them alone, I got rid of toys.  I fed them separately.  And everything worked. 

 Now fast forward to this week, my dog kills my kitten right in front of me.  I put a plastic toy on the floor next to me in the same room as my dog.  What was I thinking, was I too engaged in my head about other stuff, how could I think just because I was sitting right there nothing would happen.  Because my dog initially was laying in his kennel did I think nothing could happen.  Why didn’t I shut the kennel just to be sure.  Why did I even bring the toy out.  Why didn’t I keep my kitten totally separate from my dog at all times.  What if, what if, what if I had just thought it through, what if I had thought about him going after my other dog and what I was doing was not good?  What if I had picked up the toy right away when I realized my dog was coming over, what if I had grabbed his collar just to be sure.  Why did I just tell him no and then in one awful second my little trusting kitten came out from under the couch and my dog grabbed her and fatally injured her.

 I go through the motions of the day, eat a few bites of cereal, drink a half a copy of coffee, try to down some water.  Lunch is a few cheese and crackers and ½ a coke zero.  My dinner is a few bites of whatever.  I’m in bed by 9:30, I take a sleeping pill and get a few hours of sleep.  I cry a lot, I can’t stop thinking about everything, I feel so guilty and so sad and so angry at myself.

My dog knows there is something different with me and I can see he is feeling it.  I’m not mean to him, I do my best to understand in the end he is animal that doesn’t have the same thinking capacity about end results that we have.  He looks to us for guidance and right now I just don’t have the same connection with him.  I’m working on it.  I do know that I can’t have another pet in the house with him again and he used to go to a friend’s home with us and play with their little dogs but I won’t do this anymore because I couldn’t bear him doing something so tragic again.  I would have to say good bye to him at that time and in the end would this all be fair to him.

 I keep screaming in my head and in my heart.  I am so guilt ridden and ashamed.  Am I being punished for this because I didn’t tell my husband about the kitten, I just decided on my own.   Is it because at any time in my life I have been judgmental towards someone else for a myriad of reasons.  I know we all judge at one time or another but is this my punishment?  I wish, I wish, I wish I could take it back, wish I could fix it.

NeroClaw13

Registered:
Posts: 7
 #2 
Your post got me in the feels. I had a similar thing happen to me. I had a little 8 pound chihuahua named Panda who was the love of my life. I have an anxiety disorder and she was the dog who helped me feel joy, love and serenity in my life. She was my little baby. The most beautiful, angelic little kind hearted creature I have ever known. At the time I had her I was working at a Veterinary clinic and also volunteered at an animal shelter.

About a year prior, I was driving one day and saw a sign in front of someone's house that said "Puppies". I wanted to take a look at the puppies. The lady invited me into the apartment she rented in that home and told me that the landlord was evicting her and her two children and she needed to find a home for the puppies immediately. I had my heart set on rescuing an adorable little female pitbull puppy who I affectionately named Oreo. In a short period of time, and fast forward to one year later, I noticed Oreo had a serious issue. I believe it is called resource guarding. If there was food or a toy around or even if the doorbell rang or there was too much excitement, she would lash out on my other dog for no reason at all. 

I looked up all the information I could on how to handle this behavior and nothing worked except for keeping the two dogs separated when I was unable to supervise and when it came to toys or food, I had to keep my other dog in the other room behind a baby gate. One day I was not at home. I was volunteering at the local animal shelter. Apparently my kids came home from school and one of them left the baby gate open because they weren't paying attention.

The doorbell rang and my pitbull got over-excited and grabbed my beloved Chihuahua Panda by the throat and shook her in her mouth violently. I got a frenzied call from my kids that Panda was laying on her side not moving, but was still alive. I jumped in my car and raced home, grabbed Panda and rushed her to the vet I worked at. She was still alive, but was struggling to breathe. My boss who was the vet and the vet techs were giving her CPR. They tried to save her but she died on the table right in front of me. She did not have any open wounds, but she died from shock and a heart attack. I was crying and bawling my eyes out as they worked to save her life. I will never forget the one thing that is etched into my mind. The whole time she never stopped staring at me. Her gaze was on me and she did not even blink and wouldn't let me out of her sight the whole time.

As the vet pronounced her dead I was a crumpled mess on the floor sobbing and I said to the vet "I am getting rid of that murderous dog", "I don't want her in my house anymore". I will never forget his words. He said "Please promise me you won't blame that dog". "It is in her nature and she didn't know better". He urged me to keep her despite the fact that I was in shock and angry over what happened. I did keep her, but for years I always felt different about her. In my heart I couldn't fully forgive and was always wary of her.

The amount of guilt I felt was immeasurable. Not only did my beloved dog die who was my everything, I felt like it was my fault. As she lay dying, her eyes looked so sad as she looked at me. Not only was I grieving, I felt as though it was all my fault. Why did I need to get that other dog? I already had a pet that I loved. What if I was home and made sure that gate was closed, this tragedy would never happen. What if I didn't get that other dog, Panda would still be alive. What ifs and guilt racked my brain 24 hours a day 7 days a week and went on and on. I barely ate and all I did was take Xanax to numb the pain so I could sleep. 

Now that I look back at this, I realize that sometimes there are things in life we cannot control nor blame ourselves for happening. I never meant for this to happen and it just did. I was beating myself up for a simple mistake my kids made and for bringing a dog into my home who had behavioral problems. Life is meant to learn lessons and sometimes bad things happen to good people. I did my best to remain humane to that other dog (Oreo) and was still always kind to her. I followed the advice of the vet and still kept her, but I never felt the same about her again.

Fast forward 4 years later and I rescued a large mixed breed dog who was on the kill list at the shelter. He is a gentle giant and part Great Dane and way bigger than Oreo. I thought Oreo would lay off of him because he towered over her. I was wrong. One day the doorbell rang and once again Oreo flipped out and suddenly started attacking my big dog Apollo. She grabbed onto his throat and then bit his leg and locked her jaws onto it. I tried my best to break her off of him and eventually she did. When this attack was over, there was blood splashed all over the walls. She ripped open Apollo's leg and I rushed him to the vet and he was saved. He is doing well as we speak. 

Right after the second incident, that was it for me. I brought her to a shelter and gave her away. It broke my heart doing that and I cried and cried for days because I felt sorry for her. God only knows what happened to her. Once again, I blamed myself for what she did to Apollo. What did I learn from this? I had to stop blaming myself. I had to be kind enough to myself to realize my intentions were good. It was not my fault. I tried to give this animal a home and a good life and some dogs have behavioral issues that cannot be the fault of the owner. I did not want Panda to get killed or Apollo get injured. The first time was an accident and the second time could have been prevented. Once a dog does something like this all bets are off. It's not maybe another incident might happen, but simply when. 

This dog could not be rehabilitated. It was in her nature. Dogs like this will only ever do well in homes with no other pets. If you have any other pets, you must not let any opportunity arise where they are together alone even for a minute. Please stop beating yourself up. You meant well and never wanted a tragedy like this to happen. You are going through a hell of a lot. Guilt mixed with grief is one of the worst emotions to have to feel. Be kind to yourself and the reason why I am writing this is because your story speaks to me. I lived it and finally shed this horrible guilt. I will say a prayer for you.
KatKat

Registered:
Posts: 171
 #3 
Thank you so much for your kindness, sharing your story with me and reaching out to help me through a time that is so very painful.  Makes me feel less alone.  I'm sorry you had to go through such a terrible experience.  I agree with you, I can never have another pet in my home with my dog.  I would not put another beautiful soul at risk.  Not sure I can feel the same towards him but I'm trying not to blame him because in the end he doesn't have the same reasoning that a human being does.  He definitely knows somethings up with me, he senses my grief.  Thank you for your prayer, it is much appreciated and needed.
NeroClaw13

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Posts: 7
 #4 
Hi KitKat,
My heart aches for you. I totally understand what you are struggling with. My Oreo was actually a great dog. She loved people and was gentle and kind around humans. I could stick my hand in her bowl, take her toy or bone away and she would never try to harm me. However, she did not know how to share and was possessive of food, toys and anything that was on the floor with other pets. I thought I could change her. I worked with her every day. I hired a trainer, I read books, watched YouTube videos and nothing worked. She was simply high strung and wired this way. She had an enormous prey drive too.

Animals are different than people and she did not mean to do what she did. That was the only way she knew how to react. I nearly killed myself with the guilt when my little dog was killed. The "what ifs" flooded my mind like a record that just kept skipping. I was flooded with guilt and grief. Then I finally pulled it together after a month or two of abusing myself with the "what ifs" and realized I had only the best intentions. All I wanted was to love and nurture the pets in my home. Oreo had reacted in the only way she knew how to and that ended up harming my other pet, but it was NOT my fault. 

After she harmed my other dog, I knew that I had a choice to make. Either get rid of my gentle dog who never reacted this way nor would, keep them both and expect a bloodbath or find a shelter that would place her in a home where she was the only pet. I kept the gentle natured dog. 

I am glad my story helped you realize you are not the only one this happened to. You are a good person filled with empathy and love. Please love your dog even though this happened and be kind to yourself. You need to stop being so cruel to yourself. This was not your fault. {{{{{HUGS TO You}}}}}. 
NeroClaw13

Registered:
Posts: 7
 #5 
KitKat, I forgot to mention in my reply that I felt like it was my punishment too. I brought home Oreo without telling my husband. He did not want anymore pets and on impulse I didn't care about the consequences of disrespecting his wishes when I brought her home. To me she was a cute puppy and I just wanted her. I did what I felt like doing on a selfish whim. After Oreo killed Panda he said "I told you not to get any other pets". That stung so hard and I felt like it was my punishment. That guilt alone nearly killed me.
KatKat

Registered:
Posts: 171
 #6 
Thank you, thank you, thank you for your words, they mean so much to me.  I know my boy just reacted to and I know he feels my pain and grief but doesn't understand why.  I like you can stick my hand in his food bowl and grab his toys.  I've had parties where he goes from one person to the other to receive a pat.  I know I have to learn to forgive myself but it'll take a bit because everything is so fresh and painful.  I'm sorry about your dear, sweet Panda and lovely Oreo.  I have always said that people come and go from your life for reasons, to get you from point A to point B to teach you something, to teach you both something, to teach the other person something, etc, etc.  I guess it is the same with animals.  Our pets have taught us so much about love.  

Again, thank you for your kindness and support, words cannot fully express their meaning to me right now.
NeroClaw13

Registered:
Posts: 7
 #7 
KitKat,
What brought me to this forum was that I was mourning the loss of my beloved cat Nero who died 2 days ago. I thought I was all alone and felt like I was in a bad place. I was ashamed for lying in a crumpled up heap on the floor bawling my eyes out while others said "it is just a cat". The grief of losing a pet is insurmountable. Grief is a beast, a real horrible beast. Guilt is just as bad. 

I sat here for the past two days wondering what could I have done to change the fact that my cat suddenly got sick and died. What if I took him to the vet sooner? What if I fed him a better brand or higher quality food, would his health have been better? What if he suffered? What if he was scared? What if he never knew how much I loved him? What ifs during grief are the worse.

Know that you are not alone. The past two days that I have woken up without my sweet, loving and beautiful cat has been the worst feeling ever. I want my cat back, but I can't and it is okay to cry. It is okay to mourn. It is a human emotion and we will all get through it one way or another. During these dark days of our lives knowing others are feeling what we feel is comforting. You are not alone.


KatKat

Registered:
Posts: 171
 #8 
I'm so sorry about Nero and also sorry about the insensitivity of those who make statements such as "its just a cat."  It's a cherished life that has been lost.  No one should ever have to feel ashamed for grieving about a pet.  I know Nero knew how much you loved him, it's evident in your grief that you cared deeply and how could that have been hidden from him during his time with you.  Our pets are so intuitive.

 I've been curled into a crumpled heap every day, only pulling myself out of it to go to work, eat, shower = just the necessities.  You are so right about the "what if's."  I still keep finding myself thinking "what if" or "only if several times a day."  Your words have been so comforting to me.  You reached out to me when you came here seeking comfort for yourself because of your loss, how giving that is.  We are all in this together.  My thoughts are with you.

"Until one has loved an animal, a part of one's soul remains unawakened." - Anatole France
NeroClaw13

Registered:
Posts: 7
 #9 
KitKat, You are a beautiful person and it is evident how much you loved you pet. You never meant this to happen and I wish you much peace from the evident pain you are going through. Lots of people have offered me their condolences and it is through them that I gain strength. The one thing I hate though is when someone says "It was God's will", or "He is in a better place". I believe in God, but those are the most uncomforting, contrived sentences that someone could utter to me.

Every hour that passes I find myself obsessed with thoughts about the loss of my cat. I was watching tv before and my cats name flashed across the screen when the credits of a movie came on that had an actor with the same last name as his name. With that boom I was shook back into intense sadness. Then today I found a clump of his cat hair left on the chair and once again I was crying. It seems to never end and it is constant torture. Today I ate for the first time in two days, and I couldn't enjoy it as I was just forcing myself to. 

I seem to have waves of clarity and calmness followed by crying jags where I talk out loud to my cat begging him to come back home while sobbing. I feel like I am losing my mind and I am trying to force myself to realize he is no longer here. Losing a family member or pet is like an instant divorce. It is so cruel that a love so pure is gone and it is so hard to believe that our pets are here one day and gone the next. I am in shock. He was fine last week and now he's dead. What the hell happened here? I'm trying to face the fact that I cannot have my little buddy back. I want him back and I want to see him again and I can't. I cannot control life and what happens and that is scary.

We had this cat for 12 years and my teenage daughters didn't even shed one tear. My husband didn't even shed a tear either. They said they miss him, but immediately went on with their lives. How come I am the only one grieving? It's not like I want them to be sad too, but I am wondering if there is something wrong with my reaction? Why am I the only one? I'm sitting here like a zombie crying on and off for two days straight and my kids are making plans with their friends and my husband is worrying about what is for dinner. Am I crazy for feeling such intense feelings of loss? I can't shake the feelings of missing my cat and keep torturing myself by watching videos of him, looking at photos, holding his collar. It is as if I may be subconsciously hurting myself on purpose. 

All I can say is losing a pet with whom you have a deeper, meaningful soul connection with is pure unadulterated hell. I know I will eventually move through the stages of grief, but in the meantime I can't get him out of my mind. I truly know how you feel. I'm there too.
KatKat

Registered:
Posts: 171
 #10 
Yesterday I went to our local mall and wandered aimlessly in and out of stores, stores I wouldn't normally even walk into but I was avoiding being in my home because my husband's sister and brother-in-law were coming by the house briefly and I just couldn't bear having to sit through conversation.  I made an excuse for my need to be gone.  

It's hard to understand how other people can move on so quickly when a pet passes for those of us that are so connected with our pets that their passing is like a dagger in our hearts and our grief is so overwhelming that it impacts our daily living.  Your pain and grief are real and understandable.  Your connection to the pets in your life is deep and your love is pure.  Our loving pets connect back with us in the same way - pets do not judge us, pets need us and love us unconditionally.  They are our children and we want to protect them and when something happens we feel like we failed in some way - you loved Nero, you protected and cared for Nero and still he was taken from you.  

I find myself talking to my little kittie too, telling her I miss her, telling her I'm sorry that I didn't protect her.  There's a crumpled piece of paper on my office floor that she played with, I can't bear to pick it up.  I keep looking, hoping to see that it's been moved on the floor, hoping this is just some awful dream that I will wake up from.  I'm so tired and sad and regretful.  My husband doesn't get the level of loss and sadness that I'm feeling either, he's just wired different and he didn't grow up with pets being such an integral part of his life.

My dear Nero's mom, you are correct, in time it will get easier but I'm sure you are wishing like me that that time is here now so you can just stop feeling so sad and empty.  I hear and understand your pain.
NeroClaw13

Registered:
Posts: 7
 #11 
KitKat, 
Thanks so much for sharing. I thought I was the only one. I'm in so much pain. Last week before he got sick and died I was doodling and wrote his name in fancy script on a piece of paper. Yesterday when I was cleaning up, I found it and couldn't bear to throw it out. I was at his grave yesterday and was hoping, and wishing and praying something miraculous would happen. I knew it sounded crazy and weird and would not happen, but it was as if I wanted to see him just show up and meow and I would be able to just pick him up and walk back into the house with him. I keep forgetting he's gone, but only for a fleeting minute and then it's back to this hardened reality.

Just today I when I was going outside I made sure to close the sliding door so he couldn't get out as he "was" an indoor cat and then I realized I don't need to do that anymore. I want my cat back, oh God in heaven if you are listening I want him back. Pleeeeze! I want to see his furry little face again. I want to pet him and hug him and hear him purr even if it is one more time. The most horrendous part is on his last day he was struggling and fighting to breathe. He was doing his best not to die. He was a fighter. He was taking long, painful labored breaths. I knew he needed to be euthanized and my vet was closed. We had the appointment the next morning when they were open because this was going on during the weekend when they were closed. The whole time I saw him suffer gasping for air. It killed me.

While he was dying he actually comforted me. I petted him telling him what a good, brave boy he was. I held his little paws and massaged them. He hooked his paws and latched them onto my fingers as if he wanted me to know he was leaving me and saying goodbye. That memory is etched into my head and is killing me. My once happy, healthy mischievous boy was not himself. He was so weak and was meowing in pain. As he lay limply on his side and dying he was looking out the sliding glass door at the birds and was making those kitty chattering sounds they make when they see a bird or squirrel. He was still trying to be himself. He was becoming ice cold and I covered him with a blanket and turned a portable heater on for him. 

The day of his death we were waiting to take him to be euthanized. It bothered me so much to have to stress him out and have to take him to the last place of his life where it was cold and not at home. I held him and rocked him in my arms for a little bit. I stroked his face, his ears, his chin and spoke softly too him. I told him I was going to miss him through quiet sobs so not to stress him. Then my daughter needed a ride to college and I had to leave him for a little while. Coming back home and nearing our appointment time, I dreaded having to take him to the vet because it would stress him out. I didn't want to cause him anymore pain.

As I pulled into the driveway to have my husband bring him to the car to go with me to the vet, my husband called and said "Nero, just passed away". It was as if Nero knew I would much rather him have pass away at home. I felt he hung on as long as he could. His appointment was just 15 minutes after he passed. I think this little guy even at the end had an intuitive, magical spirit. The part that keeps playing out over and over is the guilt I feel that he was struggling to breathe. I can't get it out of my head and that is the worst.

Sorry I rambled on and on. It helps to heal by talking about what happened. I'm so glad we got to connect. I appreciate you and my prayers are with you. Thanks for listening to me. We are connected through grief. I know you are in pain yourself so you do not have to reply. I just needed to get this off of my chest. It feels a little better.... Only a little.
KatKat

Registered:
Posts: 171
 #12 
Of course I want to reply, you are not rambling on, you are expressing your love for your sweet cat and how his loss has left you feeling.  I understand what you mean by "hoping, wishing, praying" for a miracle because I do that multiple times a day.  I'm sorry he was so sick, I know that makes things hurt even more because we never want to see someone we love so much be sick and in pain and seeing them struggle leaves such an imprint in our minds and our hearts.  Hold onto the paper with Nero's name on it, there's a reason why you wrote it that day and in time maybe seeing it will bring some comfort to you.

I am also glad we can connect and help each other through this.  Please continue to express what you are feeling.



KatKat

Registered:
Posts: 171
 #13 
I walked my dog outside in the back yard this morning and from afar I look at my little kittie's grave, I still haven't been able to walk up to it.  I miss her so much want so much to hold her, have her chase after my feet.  I thought I was doing everything right to protect her.  When I wasn't at home or when I had to do things around the house I kept her in my bathroom (it's very large).  I made sure there was nothing in there she could hurt herself with, I even removed the trash can because I didn't want to take a chance that something in there could hurt her.  I didn't do enough to protect her and now she's gone.  My grief runs deep and sometimes I feel like I'm being sucked into some dark hole, my whole body feels heavy and I wish I could just go to sleep and then wake up and it's all some terrible nightmare. Thanks for listening.
NeroClaw13

Registered:
Posts: 7
 #14 
KitKat, I wish I could take all of you pain away. I wish I could bring back your beloved kitten. It pains me so much that I can't.  Through this tragedy that we are both going through, I met another person that is hurting as much as I am and it breaks my heart to see others feeling the same amount of pain as I am going through. From reading what you have been writing here, your story has shown me that I am not crazy for weeping. I am not crazy for making deals with God to bring my kitty back and I am not a nutcase for grieving. Thank you for sharing your grief with me. I completely understand you 100% and we are not alone in this horrible nightmare we are going through. I don't know if you are religious and if you aren't that is fine but I pray God grants you much serenity and comfort anyway. {{{{{HUGS}}}} and I am here for you anytime you want to share your thoughts.
~Deanna
KatKat

Registered:
Posts: 171
 #15 
And I wish I could take yours away as well.  My heart hurts for you as well.  No, you are not crazy for weeping, wishing, grieving, hurting and missing.  I also have asked God to just take all this pain away, asking him to just bring her back, telling God I'm sorry for all my mistakes.  It definitely feels like some horrible nightmare and now I am just drifting through my daily life.  My husband still doesn't get it and he tries to be sympathetic but I'm not sure how long that will last because I'm seeing some impatience on his part.  He is a very kind man, he just doesn't understand the connection to animals that I have and he doesn't get the level of guilt I feel that is just tearing my insides out.  Yesterday I had a little bit better of a day but today I woke up with everything running through my mind again.  Time is a great healer but there just hasn't been enough time yet.  I also pray that your pain will be eased and I am also grateful that we have connected in order to help each other through this.

-K  
MyLittleOneIsGone

Registered:
Posts: 131
 #16 
Hi KatKat,
I feel the deep grief you are going through. It seems like it doesn't go away, does it?  I am also in a dark place. You love your dog, but now your kitten is gone. It's hard to understand.  I can't understand any of this. I'm new to pet loss sites. I never went through this before.

I'm full of so many emotions. I have to try to understand. I don't know how long I can stay married.  My husband insisted on taking all of our pets to another vet and ultimately pressured me and made dental cleaning appts for 2 of our dogs.  I don't know why he didn't want to go back to our first vet who took such good care of our dogs since they were pups.  He was insistent and in some kind of rush. Yes, this was routine. It was not necessary.  We knew Parker was petrified of being left and handled by strangers.  He was feeling comfortable with his original vet and he had been under anesthesia 2x with him and had no problems. That vet uses mild anesthesia, I found out too late. That new vet wasn't our vet. I let my husband set these appts. and my dog didn't make it. Something terrible went wrong there, out of the ordinary. Too many unanswered questions. Christmas Eve, who knows if the vet was in the room the entire time like he is supposed to be. 

I am bitter against my husband for not listening to me when I told him we didn't need it done then, to wait. I am unable to forgive him. It's been difficult living here with him.  I don't see anything in him except that he let our dog die. He brought him there. 

I'm hurting for so many reasons. I have a lot of emotions. You probably do too, because you love your dog and you also loved your kitten.  I'm kind of in similar situation but mine includes a human -- who knew better.  My husband.  We knew our dog was scared. Both of us allowed him to go there. There are so many things that could have gone wrong and I never got the truth. I haven't stopped crying for 5 months. I am in physical pain. It's wearing me out from the the inside. I am sick over this. 

How do you cope, KatKat?  It has to hard, it's so new for you. 

I think my health is at risk, the way I feel. I feel like it just happened yesterday. I don't know how I can ever celebrate another holiday again. I can't bear each day without him. I don't feel I can live here anymore.  I am withering away.  I'm not young anymore. I am seeing a grief counselor and still unable to move forward. I think it may be my living situation. I don't know. I hope my 2 other dogs give me strength to take care of them because I am very lost.  - Parker's Mom
KatKat

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Posts: 171
 #17 
Hi Parker's mom,

My husband wanted to go to dinner tonight so I dragged myself together and we went to eat.  While we were sitting in the restaurant there was a girl's baseball team playing and one of the girls turned her back and stood for a while and on the back of her jersey "Parker" was written.  My thoughts immediately went to you. 

Your pain is so deep and you're right, the amount of stress you are experiencing from all of this can affect your health. It sounds like unanswered questions and feeling like it all could have been prevented is tearing you apart.  Has your grief counselor mentioned something called "complicated grief?"  If not, it's something you may want to discuss with your counselor.  I by no means am diagnosing you but let's just say I have a little background knowledge on the subject.

This is not the first pet I've lost and grieved for but I am just so sick over the way it happened.  I don't sleep well, my appetites not great and I move about in a fog.  My husband doesn't get where my head is but he's trying to be supportive.  I try to find things to distract me as much as possible but it is definitely not easy.

I hear how awful this is for you, and your loss is terrible but you are important too, I so much want to reach through this screen and hug you and tell you it will get better.  Parker's mom please know that your heartache is recognized.

I have my first session tomorrow with a clinician that practices EMDR, I'm hoping it will help.  You may want to discuss this technique with your counselor, it has been found to be helpful with those trying to cope with grief, PTSD and some other diagnoses. I'm hoping it helps me process some of my ruminating thoughts so I can move forward.  HUGS to you.
MyLittleOneIsGone

Registered:
Posts: 131
 #18 
Hi KatKat,

Sorry to ramble. It's been harder the last 2 weeks for some reason. I don't know. Maybe it's time to accept it.  I'm afraid acceptance means forgetting my little man. The grief counselor is also helping with my marriage which was not real great before, and definitely not good after this.  The counselor did mention PTSD.  A friend mine mentioned complicated grief. I will ask him about that. 

Oh, that was nice you thought of me when you saw the jersey.  Yes, my pain is very severe, as if it happened yesterday. This is the first pet I've grieved for, well in a tragic way. I had a dog a long time ago who lived till 16 and I was okay with that. I didn't want him to suffer anymore. This with Parker is so much different because of the circumstances and because of my husband's involvement, it's still there with me. 

I don't sleep well and my appetite is so-so.  Keep me posted what you find out about EMDR.  What is that?   

Thinking of you,

Parker' Mom
KatKat

Registered:
Posts: 171
 #19 
You are not rambling.  I'm sorry you are in so much pain.  Sounds like there are a lot of things that have made this situation that much more traumatic for you.  One builds on the other and it becomes so overwhelming.  Not sleeping further exacerbates everything because your brain needs restorative sleep to allow you to process daily situations in the most effective matter.  Acceptance doesn't mean you are forgetting Parker, it is just something that can bring some peace to your mind and heart.  However, your feeling about this is a normal thing that can occur during pet loss.  I read an article a couple of days ago and maybe it will be helpful to you to know that so much of what is going on happens to a lot of people:

https://smallanimal.vethospital.ufl.edu/resources/pet-loss-support/the-experience-of-pet-loss/

Also, to answer your question about EMDR, what it is and it's benefits:  

https://www.***********

I had my first session earlier and I liked the therapist a lot.  She has been practicing this technique for several years and has found that it is very helpful with allowing people to eventually move forward from the traumatic experience.  My therapist I saw last week recommended it because she has had patients that have had successful outcomes.  Today's session entailed the therapist understanding what got me from point A to Point B and then she introduced the technique as well as integrated some mindfulness techniques.  She used a machine that created vibrations that alternated between each of my hands.  I cried a lot when discussing the event but after she left I did feel a bit more relaxed.  Sessions last between 1.5 and 2 hours.  I've already scheduled my second one for next week.  

My hope is that whatever helps you get to a point of peace you find it.  Getting to the point does not mean you love your little Parker any less.  You loved Parker so much in his lifetime, you love your other pets - this is obvious.  You deserve to be happy in your life also.



** Sorry, Links to commercial websites are not permitted - EdW
MyLittleOneIsGone

Registered:
Posts: 131
 #20 
Hi KatKat,

I wrote a message to you on my author page. MyLittleOneIsGone

I have been visiting a site that may be helpful to you, too.  The pet loss section has many articles about pet loss. Scroll down on the page.

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/p/pet-loss-articles.html

Thank you,

Parker's Mom in grieving


MyLittleOneIsGone

Registered:
Posts: 131
 #21 

Hi KatKat,

I told Napalmakita66, the pain and tears aren't stopping soon. I could have filled a 5-gallon bucket with tears this week and I'm into my fifth month next week. I lost the first couple of months of my life after Parker passed. I don't remember much, but I do remember it was a very dark place. I didn't get much done and I wasn't eating or sleeping regularly. The guilt and regret I bear is distressing. I want to be the person I was before. I don’t feel the same. This has been agonizing for me. I know he would still be here if I didn’t miss opportunities.  Should have followed my intuition. I lost him. It doesn’t seem real sometimes. I need to let go of my guilt, but I feel I took him for granted and now I am sorry. I feel I missed so many chances to just say, “No, he’s not going.”  Only 4 little words. I had it in my subconscious and lost sight of it. I want to kick myself. I know if he could speak, he would have begged me not to take him there because he was afraid. I would never have harmed Parker.  My mistake was not keeping him from harm.

I read about your first dog you lost when he was 13. That had to be heartbreaking that you were alone when he had to be put asleep.  You had tearful moments long after he passed. I have tearful meltdowns when I see his something of his. You’re right, the light doesn’t go away completely. Parker was the sunshine in this house, the pack leader, and the best friend of his 2 brothers.

I can tell Leroy is missing him. (Leroy is his Beagle brother.)  They were best friends. He looks sad. He looks like he’s waiting for Parker to come in the room and start biting his ears and legs to get the party started.

I hope it is true that there really is a Rainbow Bridge and we will meet up with our beloved angels when we go. I wish I knew for sure because it would relieve me of the thought that I will never see Parker again.  I hope Parker made some friends and they are by the Rainbow Bridge having fun romping in the fields. Parker liked cats. I hope he is watching over your sweet kitten.  I am praying for your sweet little kitten, my Parker, and the many other loved ones who have made it to the Bridge.  Wishing you comfort and peace.

Thank you for your offer of support. I will visit the links you sent. I will keep in touch and continue to visit this forum.  I could use outside support. I have none at home, except for the grief counselor. I will ask him about complicated grief. Again, I am sorry for your recent loss of your sweet kitten. Sending comfort and prayers your way.

Parker's Mom

KatKat

Registered:
Posts: 171
 #22 
Hi Parker's mom, please also ask your counselor about EMDR to see if he thinks it will help.  I am new to this modality but my EMDR therapist has been practicing for several years and says she is confident it will help.  I hope so because my kitten's tragic end and the guilt and pain I feel have brought forward a whole lot of other things that need to be put to rest.  I'm tired of being tired, I'm tired of feeling like I'm just going through the motions to get through the day and I'm tired of feeling so sad and regretful.  

Mistakes happen, we all know this and we all know that we can't get through life without making them but right now these words aren't providing a lot of comfort to either one of us.  It's been 2 weeks today that I made mine and I still feel like I am walking around with a weight pressing me to the ground.  I can't imagine how that would feel if I have to go through months of it.  You must feel exhausted.  

Again, how could you have known that a dental cleaning would lead to losing Parker.  We all feel apprehension about things at times and often it is just that, apprehension, nothing comes out of it.  Nothing out of this was purposeful on your part.  It's a sad, tragic mistake that the VET MADE.  

Prayers and comfort to you as well

-K

MyLittleOneIsGone

Registered:
Posts: 131
 #23 
Thank you KatKat. I see my counselor tomorrow. I wrote myself a note about EMDR.  My husband was part of this dental cleaning idea and I've found it hard to not only forgive myself, but to forgive him.  It's put a strain on my marriage. I know it wasn't purposeful on his part, but I am dealing with so many emotions. Loss is a 4-letter word and Grief is a 5-letter word. 

I hope I can finish my letter to state without breaking down.  That vet has it coming to him. Lie after lie and broken laws. It took him only 3 visits to kill my dog. 

KatKat, I hope we can both be strong and make it through this. I have to be strong for his brothers. They need me. 

I will keep you in my prayers. 

Parker's Mom
KatKat

Registered:
Posts: 171
 #24 
I believe Parker's love will give you the strength to continue on with many facets of your life, it just seems insurmountable right now because there are so many things going on all at once.  Not having clear cut answers about what went wrong seem to be weighing heavy on your mind and heart, it's understandable.  Humans are creatures that want answers.  With regard to your husband, it's good that you recognize his insistence wasn't purposeful, it may eventually lead you to forgiveness when you are ready.  My wish is also that you find it in your heart to forgive yourself, nothing you did was purposeful other than purposely loving your dear Parker.  

You are in my thoughts and prayers.

K
MyLittleOneIsGone

Registered:
Posts: 131
 #25 
Thank you KatKat,

Parker had amazing strength and will.  A 13 pound dog filled with a ton of love.  I am still heartbroken.  I wrote him a long tribute on my page. I'm trying so hard to just think of the good things. It's hard to avoid thinking how he was taken from me, in a sinister way. He didn't deserve that. My husband still has one foot in the dog house with me. 

Interestingly I was watching a rerun of "Alice" (Mel's Diner). I looked up the star, Linda Lavin. Found out she is married to Steve Bakunas. I went to his site and read bio about him (bakucando.com) and the last paragraph of his bio mentions EMDR, how it helped appreciate life.  You'll see if you get on there. 

If you hadn't mentioned that to me, I wouldn't have noticed it.  I didn't get to mention it to my counselor. Next week I see him by myself so I will have more time to bring it up.

Parker's Mom
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