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hbs60

Registered:
Posts: 40
 #41 
Thanks, Meg, I truly appreciate it. I think he is doing better than I am, but the uncertainty of not having a diagnosis is killing me, but, do I really want to know? So I'm grappling with whether to do an ultrasound or not. If it shows something horrible, then I know my efforts are futile. If it shows something treatable with a good chance of recovery, then it may be worth the fight. Maybe it may help me accept the reality of it better, but I'm not sure how I'll cope with it.
hbs60

Registered:
Posts: 40
 #42 
Here's a picture of my baby, I finally figured out the procedure (I think), I edited one of yesterday's posts so it includes the picture around when it was taken, but here it is again, just in case:



MegR

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Posts: 10
 #43 
I totally understand where you're coming from.  For me, the not knowing and the uncertainty is the worst.  I know my case is different than yours.  My Dottie was 12 years old when I found out she had Cushings.  The problem we had was whether to treat it or not.  Since a Beagles avg. lifespan is 10-14 years, with or without treatment, the vet said she probably had about a year or so.  The treatment is difficult and can cause more problems so we opted not to have the treatment.  Our vet supported us in that decision.  She had a good quality of life for about all but a few months.  Even then, she still showed some spunk and pep.  The day I took her to the vet, she wouldn't eat at all, not even chicken and she wasn't able to get into her bed. She had also lost her hearing and vision in 1 eye and that morning, it seemed like the vision in the other eye was nearly gone as well.   When I took her in, as I was driving, I had gut feeling I wouldn't be bringing her home.  Honestly, it was surreal....I was just going through the motions.  When the vet checked her, he said the Cushings had run its course and she had lost half her body weight, her temperature was low and he said she was tired.  He told me, if I was thinking along the lines of euthanizing her, he supported me 100%.  It all seems like such a blur.....but I know she was calm and peaceful as she went to the Rainbow Bridge.  

Regardless of what you decide, know you have a lot of people here that support you and will be there for you always.  This site has been a Godsend to me.
Sweetjane

Registered:
Posts: 50
 #44 

Hb what a gorgeous baby!...I continue to keep you both in my prayers....I know how hard this time is for you.....your baby will lead you in the right direction...they have a way of letting us know whats right.....

hbs60

Registered:
Posts: 40
 #45 
Thanks, yes, he is beautiful. When he perks up, he looks great, but then he goes to sleep and he looks like he's a breath away from death, so I'm alternating between happiness when he perks up and fear when he's sleeping, as he doesn't look well when he does (but he used to look like this even back when he was healthy).
I think I'll go ahead with a specialist consult and ultrasound, probably for next week, as I need to work with my schedule so I'm not having to go back to work after getting bad news, it also gives us a few more days to see how he does and to prepare for the official dreaded news.

hbs60

Registered:
Posts: 40
 #46 
Looking good this morning. Weighs the same, but he feels heavier.
I'm a wreck even though I slept reasonably well.

I'm already trying to plan ahead euthanasia-related issues. Where? at the vets or at home? I'm inclined at the vets although either way it will be difficult. Disposal of remains? I'm thinking of spreading his ashes on the yard, but I don't know how I'll handle that his ashes are out there, I just think about it because he used to love hanging out there. What to do with the spot where he has his sick bed? I'm thinking of re-arranging the furniture so things look different and not having to look at the spot where he spent his final days, but I don't want to stress the other cat, either, she seems stressed enough as it is. At least I have some time to "prepare" and think ahead of these things...
hbs60

Registered:
Posts: 40
 #47 
aahhh, here I'm again, writing obsessively

I'm assuming that my kitty has some sort of malignancy until proven otherwise, so I'm trying to get information. I guess the most common one would be lymphoma, the question being to treat or not to treat.

I guess it depends on the chances, I would go for it if he had a decent chance of responding and if his life expectancy is significantly prolonged (a few years as opposed to a few weeks)
But then I'll be faced with the same grief/loss issue down the road
But I don't want to rush euthanasia prematurely, either
Either way I'm going insane here
hbs60

Registered:
Posts: 40
 #48 
Made a specialist appointment for next Wednesday, most likely he'll get an ultrasound and a more clear diagnosis. The appointment is at 10:30, they should call me back later that afternoon.
I feel better (for now) about it. It helps that he looks really good today. At least I have some more time to prepare.

Ghatten

Registered:
Posts: 1,821
 #49 
}{{{{{hbs}}}}}{

i am so sorry your baby is sick - and i know well the worry. Our Soot (kitty) was diagnoised last year with 2 types of lymphoma and a heart murmer. We opted for treatment and he has tollerated it very well. We have been told 17 - 22 months, but i have also been told that is based on an average so hopefully a lot longer. Really the worst part for Soot was it happened in the winter - so it was chilly with so much of his fur shaved off (so we got him a few sweatshirts). For the moment he seems to be fine other than a bit thinner - but i've been told that is normal and that he is okay at the current weight. Other than one or two bad days his life quality has been great so far. i know each journey is unique - just wanted you to know that even lymphoma is not always a mountain we cannot climb.

Soot's story (so far) is at http://www.petlossmessageboard.com/post?id=4946261 .  Gotta love these blue-grey beauties, and Eukanubo is a stunner.

ghattenwolf
hbs60

Registered:
Posts: 40
 #50 
Thanks, ghattenwolf.

I'm (very cautiously) getting a little hopeful. He REALLY looked good this morning. He's been eating fairly well, although still takes a lot of spoonfeeding and encouragement, but when we are done, he grooms himself very royally like always. He is by a screened window that is partially opened, so he gets the fresh spring air and I couldn't resist and put in on the windowsill, instead of jumping off it right away to his sick bed, he just stayed there, enjoying the breeze, so I took him out for a few minutes, put him right by the open glass door and out he went into nature (it's an enclosed yard and I'm always watching him). I didn't want to overdo it so after a few minutes, I put him back in and he wasn't too happy about that. So, there is still some life left in my kitty, next Wednesday is the specialist appointment, so somehow I can relax and stop worrying for the time being.
I've been doing some reading on feline lymphoma and I will definitely consider treatment if it's early and treatable enough, but right now it's hard to tell.
...and yes, he's a stunner, can you imagine what he looked like when he was younger and healthy?

hbs60

Registered:
Posts: 40
 #51 
My baby's appetite seems to have picked up, he readily eats from the spoon and this morning left his bed and tried to wake me up, it used to be that he would struggle the whole day just to eat one can of Fancy Feast, this morning I was able to feed him a whole one before noon, and we are working on a second one this evening. I would say that he eats spontaneously without help or coaxing from me from his dish about 1/3rd of the time, but the other 2/3rd of the time he eats because I insist on the spoon feedings, as he needs the calories.
I plan to still keep the appointment with the vet specialist this Wednesday because I don't want to get my hopes up too high, and I'm still concerned about his constantly staying on his "sick bed" rather than following me all over the house like he used to do in the past. So, I think I can stop obsessing for now, enjoy this weekend, and prepare for Wednesday's news the best I can. Thanks all for your support!

judesmom

Registered:
Posts: 1,901
 #52 
i am so delighted to hear of the wonderful progress.     your baby is bouncing back-it just took him some time.      to help keep his appetite healthy have you thought of feeding him some of the really good foods out there such as wellness, innova, precise, natural balance, weruva, etc........   that stuff costs a bit more than fancy feast but not a whole lot more when you consider the size of the cans and the quality of the food is much better.    that may help to keep his interest in food up plus help him physically as well due to the better quality ingredients.   just some food for thought so to speak.

now, you sit down in your favorite chair, take a deep breath and then take a good long hard nap-all with a big smile on your face.

i know you will let us know what the specialist says.   and yes, i do agree that your baby is quite the handsome gray baby chap.

JudeTortieWolf
hbs60

Registered:
Posts: 40
 #53 
Thanks!

Even more progress: I was taking a nap late this morning (I'm exhausted because of last week's roller-coaster) and guess who went to my bed, whining and demanding to go out to the yard? He was standing on his two back feet with his upper paws against the sliding glass door, so of course we went out, he was just simply content to be laying on the grass, enjoying the fresh air, while I sat back under the shade and smiled...

SoppysGrammy

Registered:
Posts: 338
 #54 
hbs60
as difficult as this journey has/is for you
it has been   such a pleasure   to read   of your obvious devotion/love   for your 'baby'
it is   such a positive   especially   with the current world affairs
each day   I always check   this website   to see    how the two of you   are doing
your daily postings   have brought out   the best   of the petloss family   compassion,love, caring
we will always be   here   for   as long as   you need
we are   better people   because of   the two of you
thank you
SoppysGrammy aka Roberta 

hbs60

Registered:
Posts: 40
 #55 
Still doing OK, when I woke up this morning (after 8 solid hours of much needed sleep), he was right there on the bed, between my legs. I had finished his last can of food last night and decided to leave his dish empty, as I do think he is getting too dependent on the spoon feedings (and I think he's lazily taking advantage of his idiot owner), so there he was, this morning, I served the dish and he ate a fair amount, but still he doesn't eat enough on his own without encouragement. I'm still puzzled why he won't leave his bed for most of the day, he is living on maybe 2 square feet of space and it doesn't make much sense to me, but he is looking healthier and comfortable.  Still don't have an answer to what was wrong, but he did look really ill last weekend and I'm still assuming it was the flea remedy, as he seems to be recovering. I'm still planning to keep the specialist appointment to make sure. Thanks again to everybody for your support!
ShannonH

Registered:
Posts: 1,605
 #56 
Sounds like things are at least going in a good direction.  This is a good start!  Hope things continue to progress to the better.
Shannon
hbs60

Registered:
Posts: 40
 #57 
Today is the day of reckoning...I took him to the Internal Medicine specialist, even though he has been doing much better. He hasn't put on that much weight, he's at 10 lbs and at my regular vet he was at 9.7 pounds, not that much of a difference. So they will proceed to do the ultrasound, if they see something, they may get biopsies, aspirates, whatever. I'm supposed to go back at 2:30 PM at which point I should know more. So, here's hoping for the best, but preparing for the worst...
Ghatten

Registered:
Posts: 1,821
 #58 
}{{{{{hbs60}}}}}{

prayers for you and Eukanubo that today is a good day and that this is just a bump in the road for you both

hbs60

Registered:
Posts: 40
 #59 
Well, I got mostly good news: The Ultrasound revealed only a slightly enlarged lymph node, too small to biopsy, otherwise it was normal. So, at least I know that he's not having any severe, advanced disease. They say that if I wanted to be aggressive, the ultrasound could be repeated in a month, but since he's doing better, I'm inclined to not do this unless he takes a turn for the worse. He seems to be doing better although slowly, still requires spoon feedings, but doesn't look as ill as he did a week or two ago, when he truly scared me (hence my obsessive postings). I thank all of you for your support, especially since you all had to deal with your own grief and losses. Now I know this is the place to come to when the time comes when the news won't be as good. Thanks for everything!
YorkieHeidi

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Posts: 1,541
 #60 

So happy for you.  Maybe this time I can log off and not be in tears.  Sincerely, Heidi's Mom

ShannonH

Registered:
Posts: 1,605
 #61 
Great!  Keep it going, Eukanubo!
Shannon
Mare

Registered:
Posts: 11,059
 #62 
This is very good news!!  Enjoy all the days with your precious baby.

Mare
precious Christoph ~ I will treasure him forever ~

lelacat

Registered:
Posts: 1
 #63 
HB, 

Thank you so much for sharing your experience here. I am going through a situation nearly identical to yours. I am constantly in tears and feel like my heart will explode because of the worry I have for my cat's suffering and the worry I have for the possibility of losing him. It just won't stop. Your posts made a huge difference to me because finding people who understand or can relate to these feelings and reactions is not easy.

I hope your kitty is still around to share your life.

Lela
kadoka

Registered:
Posts: 11
 #64 
Hello! 
I completely understand! I started to feel this bad, after first serious health problem of my sweet Asya. It was back in 2010, and then I first realized she is going to die, and I thought I will not survive that. I was crying for days, and couldn't go to work. Everything seemed so useless. Nothing was important anymore, just this terrible feeling she is going to die someday.
But then, my dog got better, and she had three and half more years with me.... She is not by my side anymore, but will be forever in my heart.
Yes, it's hard, when we love somebody so much even the idea of losing them can be and is devastating!

Lynneap

Registered:
Posts: 14
 #65 
This anticipatory grief is so hard, even if our babies live a long time after our first worry about their health. I don 't know how I will stand losing my Aussie who is now 11 and not doing all that well. My cat is only 7 but losing him is also unthinkable. It 's not like I haven 't gone through this before. When my 15 year old Shellie terrier was failing, the whole world was such a dark place. How do we deal with this in better, less painful ways??
Mondo

Moderator
Registered:
Posts: 994
 #66 
We need to find a way to live in the moment, easier said than done.  The past while even not knowing Tuffy was sick, at night I couldn't bear to lay and pet him for long.  He was 13 plus and I knew it wouldn't be long. I guess I was already depressed, evenings were very melancholic.  Probably still grieving my Mom, who died while I was still grieving my Dad. Then Tuffy.  That's life, without death there would be no life. 

I recall after we adopted Tuffy as a puppy, already having moments of sadness, knowing how short the life span of a dog is.  Of course we go through life not really thinking too much of our own mortality and life spans.  I am glad I lived longer than Tuffy, because to be honest I don't think anyone could have been near the Dad that I was to him. 

Now Toby is 13 years and 5 months old.  Tuffy made it to 13 yr 10 mo.  Toby was the sick one we thought, Cushings and congestive heart failure.  He had a toe amputated a year and a half ago, after 2 previoius surgeries, infection just kept coming back. 

I read a great thread today about the homeless dogs.  My heart shifted a little, as I've been pretty adamant that after Toby, that's it.  I can't take the heartache anymore.  Never say never.

We feel great pain because we love deeply.  The only way for it to be less painful is to be less attached.  I don't think any here can do that. 

Wishing all peace and comfort in their time of sorrow.

Aiko_Mom

Registered:
Posts: 1
 #67 
I sit at home second guessing myself about our decision to let our 18 year old cat go today. We have an appointment which seems like an execution time. Aiko has had high blood pressure for 2 years which we managed with medication. Recently he has had breathing problems for which we gave him Pred. Now, due to an enlarged heart he has fluid build up and has a hard time walking. If we up the fluid meds ,his breathing becomes worse, but if we up the pred, his fluid builds up and walking suffers. He has been on hospice care ( with us changing out wee wee pads and giving him his food and water in his bed. But he is still the sweetest boy who will purr and head butt you when you pet him. Now today, he is walking to all of his old favorite hangout spots, but has to stop and rest along the way. I feel like it’s too soon, but my vet, husband and daughter say that he really has no good quality of life. I’m already feeling guilty and grieving. I took the day off work to stay with my boy until the end. How can you know for sure when it’s time to let go?
featheredwolf

Registered:
Posts: 9
 #68 
I completely understand how you are feeling.  I needed to make this decision a year ago regarding my Bichon.  He had heart failure and was having both good days and bad.  The last few days, I had been increasing medications, up with him all night and at times he seemed fine.  I made the same decision you made and also agonized of whether it was too soon, because he was still able to walk and take in water and even wag his tail.  He could no longer do the things he enjoyed but I thought maybe he could be okay for a little while longer.  I learned a lot through this and one of the things I am now at peace with is that I made the right decision.  I was told he was right around the corner of a real crisis meaning going into respiratory distress, etc.  I know how difficult this is for you, but I honestly know that I would not want to wait until that moment.

My sweet dog was able to exit this world peacefully without distress.  I knew his quality of life was only going to get worse and as much as I agonized over this, a year later, I can tell you honestly, I am at peace with my decision.

You are in my thoughts today along with your sweet cat.  I know the journey you are on.  Know that you have given the very best life to your cat and you can always feel good about this.  Please, do not feel guilty.  We do all that we can to help our fur babies throughout their life and I know you have taken excellent care of him.  Know we are here for you at any time!
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