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Argos93

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Posts: 3
 #1 
My Doberman, Argos, died this last wednesday from a sudden death. He was just six years old, and healthy and strong as an ox. He was beautiful and my baby.

I had never had a dog, I had wanted one so desperately. I got him since he was three weeks old because the breeder said it was so the mother wouldn't be hurt by the pup's teeth. He never whined or cried for his siblings or mother, I would let him sleep on my chest where he could hear my heartbeat. Since then he has always slept in my bed with me, at times he would lay his head on my chest still and fall asleep.

I have high functioning depression and have dealt with big lows- he was the one that stabilized me, when I thought of suicide or self-harm I would think of him first and think whether it was worth it. I would stop with the train of thought down that way.

This wednesday my furry therapist wasn't there to help me through my shock, this thursday he wasn't there to calm my hiccuping sobs. All these nights he hasn't been there to help me through the memories of trying to carry his 100lb limp body to the car to the emergency room only to carry him back out of it with him still dead.

I had never dealt with grief in a close way- all my granparents have died but most of them when I was young, and the only one that died when I was old enough to really understand (I'm 24) we weren't as close, so it was sad, I cried a bit- but it wasn't something that felt like a gut punch.

My friends have been wonderful, the closest ones are open to talk and are always sending me a text to see how I'm coping today. How I'm feeling. All my closest friends knew him and most liked my dog a lot, some even loved him. But you always feel the air when you mention him. I mention Argos, even when I'm not crying and everyone stops and looks to me as if in fear, reluctant of touching the subject thinking I'll break down. They tell me to not think about it, i tell them I'm thinking of what I will do when I have a pet, I'm told don't think about it now. And I understand. They know how vulnerable I am and think that will set me off, but I need to talk to him.

My family loved him but they won't talk about him and if I breach the subject its like I will break into a million pieces, they get angry if I keep talking about him and I feel horrible. I feel silenced, I feel like I am inconveniencing everyone with my pain and my grief. If I cry late at night i try to lower my sobs because they will know and hear me and treat me like china the next morning. I talk about how much I miss him and it's like he was only important to me because no one else will discuss him and his life was such a big element in our family life.

Everyone gets uncomfortable, no one will mention him or how much they miss him. It's like he was never there, but I know he was there because his things are there, because my heart stings because when I see things that remind me of him leave me breathless. The only one who will let me know he misses him is his brother, my 9 year old rescued lab-mix who came to us because he befriended Argos and when he was abandoned by his family we took him in and he is now our second baby.

He cries every night when I grab Argos' leather collar and tags and place it near me in the bed, when he hears the clanging of the tags he whines and he will lay his head as close to the collar as possible and fall asleep. But I can't rely on him because he gets distressed whenever I break down crying. I feel like everyone just hopes i will get over it soon. And they don't understand that five days, four days if you don't count the day it happened isn't long at all. It is so fresh, how can everyone just expect me to move on when he was my best friend and companion. He was an amazing dog and no one will talk about him or the lovely moments of him alive. I feel like his existence only affected me.
doglife

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Posts: 69
 #2 
I am so deeply sorrow for the loss of your best friend. You can talk all you want about him here. We’re listening. It sounds like you were deeply bonded with Argos & he with you. That is no easy thing to get over. I am sorry that your family won’t talk about him with you. In trying to protect you from your pain , they are hurting you. It sounds like Argo was also your therapy dog. I understand the pain of a sudden death. I just lost my sweet, German Shepherd Jada, she was healhy & playing in the yard & she all of the sudddn fell over & died instantly, & I can’t get that sound out of my head. I miss her every day, & I miss her more & it is more painful of a loss than even some relatives, especially if we’re not close to some people. But our dogs, they’re like our children, & they give us innocent pure love all the time. Try to remember the happy times with Argo , the times he made you laugh. He will be close to your heart in your memories. Cry, greive, punch your pillow, write down your feelings. Be kind to yourself. Each day the pain will lesson a little bit, as your memories of him will help you to get through this. I get your greif.
AnneShirley123

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Posts: 5
 #3 
I am so sorry for the loss of your beloved Argo. What a beautiful tender relationship you had. It is very moving to read about your closeness. I think people are poorly equipped to,respond to pain. As you say we feel the air. Where there should be words, or a hug, or tears there is air. I feel comforted to know that there are others like yourself who feel such sorrow. I dread going to bed because my beloved Camillo will jump up,for a snuggle every night. He was not an affectionate cat in the day- but very much so at night. It is almost unbeatable to think I will not feel him beside me again. I am trusting that time will help ease the pain. The book Pawprints in Heaven really helped me. I believe I will see Camillo again. But the day to day ness of it is very painful. I am sending caring thoughts and support from Canada to you. I was very touched too that your other dog is mourning with you. Keep coming back to this forum. We are here to listen and support each other.
Argos93

Registered:
Posts: 3
 #4 
Thank you so much @Doglife and @AnneShirley123. I'm sorry I didn't reply earlier, there are terribly difficult days and days when you feel like you may just be able to cope.

It has been so hard. To be honest we don't really know why he died and we took him to get an autopsy. The day when it happened I was just so angry at the world and God and fate for ripping him from me like that, I had decided I just wanted to know what could have possibly killed my 6yo healthy loving Doberman. So the next day I took him to get an autopsy so I would know. The moment the pathology assitant picked him up from the cooler and ice we had him in so he would be as well preserved as possible I knew I had taken the wrong decision. I knew I wanted him as him for as long as possible and I just wanted to hug him again and feel him in my arms and I wouldn't get that.

I tried to say goodbye to him, sobs wracking my body . Then i talked to the pathologist. They would have to dismember him to check him fully. I felt so much pain. I didn't want him there any longer but my mother had already signed the contract. So I kept it in and let go in the car.

I just wanted him there with me, I just wanted to hug him like i always would. I just wanted him to walk up to me as always, wagging his little nub of a tail and burrow his head between my thighs while i scratched his ears and cooed at him. I just wanted him there longer. And i accepted he be dismembered to receive a report that it has been over a week and I still don't know what took him from me.

I regret that decision so much. I could have just brought him home, bathed him and not placed him in ice, i would have had one more afternoon/night to hold him and say goodbye. His brother could have assimilated his death better. I could have hugged him before taking him to be cremated. But I didn't.

I had to pick him up the next day with horror in my heart, wishing to all heavens that I wouldn't accidentally see him dismembered. I wouldn't have been able to cope seeing the best part of me in pieces. Luckily they placed him in a black bag. But he was so cold. And didn't feel like him at all. We went immediately to get him cremated and I couldn't, I just felt a hole in my stomach. I just felt tears running down my cheeks and nothing could come out of my mouth as I said my final goodbyes. But I couldn't hug him.

When he died, I didnt hug him. I was too panicked and in shock and trying to do cardiac massage and getting things ready to get him in the car, he didn't even pass away in my arms. I hugged him too late, once the vet had stopped the maneuvers and had called his death. He didn't even have me holding him as he died, he was probably afraid and I didn't hug him. Then I brought him home and didn't even hug him, i was in so much shock that when they just put him in the cooler I didn't react until they had him in ice and I realized I didn't want him there. Didn't want him staying there that night in ice. But it was too late.

And when he wouldn't be there anymore and I would never have his body with me again- I really couldn't hug him then. I regret it. So much. I regret not holding him, so badly. Every night I just remember how he would fall asleep with his head in my chest and I just ask for him in my arms just one more minute. Just one more.
AnneShirley123

Registered:
Posts: 5
 #5 
Dear @Argos123 my eyes fill with tears as I write. You have suffered terribly over the sudden death of your beloved boy. There are no words really to describe the pain of such sudden loss. The worst is not being able to undo what has been done. We cannot turn back the clock. I am so sorry for your loss and understand the ache and longing. I can tell how much you loved your boy and that all through this terrible ordeal you were trying to do what was right. The most important thing is to hold onto the knowledge that love was in your heart in every decision you made. I am working hard to remind myself of these things. I think I mentioned the book Pawprints In Heaven but in case I didn’t that book has helped me. I believe I will see Camillo again. I had no idea how wrenching the death of a pet is. The silence in my home is deafening. I find myself up late, avoiding coming home. Camillo was very chatty and like you I would give anything for one more snuggle. Most people do not understand the loss of a beloved pet, even close friends. They are sorry but think that grief is fleeting. I am standing with you across the miles. Be very kind to yourself. I hope you have one good friend who understands your anguish. If not this forum is a good substitute. I haven’t been on the forum either for a while so it was nice to see your message. It will get better. I truly believe that but it doesn’t happen quickly, With love, Anne Shirley.
doglife

Registered:
Posts: 69
 #6 
Oh Argo,
I understand what you are going through. I feel your pain. I am sorry I cannot take that away for you. Most people do not understand the incredible bond that we have with our pets. I actually had a relative ask my mom what we did with Jada’s remains & mocked her saying that she would Never waste her money on cremation of an animal. Then she went on to tell her @ how she threw her late husbands deceased dog in a garbage dumpster. She had lied to him ,saying she was taking the dog to be cremated while he was at work. I was mortified to hear this out of a relatives mouth after the passing of my precious dog- who was WAY more than - just a pet . People can be so cruel & heartless & its very disturbing to me especially now.

I don’t really have any to share my memories with either, & although I had originally thought Jada was going to be my daughter’s dog, she was really all of ours. But I was her caretaker so I felt more responsible for her. Even felt somehow responsible for her death. You are free to share whatever you need to on here. I will listen & I understand the extreme pain & anguish you are going through right now. It is normal as your dog was your most loyal, loving companion. They are there for us when no one else is. They feel our emotions. They love unconditionally. There is no human that can love us like that. Thats what makes it so difficult when they leaves us. The void they leave is crushing, like no other. I’ve been sad at funerals like when I lost my grandparents & my friend who lost her father. But the pain of losing a beloved dog, who was your best friend, & there with you through all the moments of your day & now those moments are empty & we feel lost without them. They comforted us when no one else understood. We were their source of love & comfort too. We took the best care of them that we could & that brought us joy too. They had a good life , they were loved deeply. They were never - just a dog.

In the moments of Jadas passing I was so grief stricken, I wasn’t thinking clearly. All the regular vets were closed & my only option was the emergency vet that charged double. Then they said they didn’t do Narcopsys, & I had no idea how I would be able to ship my dog on ice to another state. Nobody was really helpful in the matter. Im guessing if Jada had passed at the ER Clinic they would have been more helpful, but she was already gone. Looking back, I wish I had an autopsy done for some closure & for cancer research, because that’s what my regular vet said that she had . A form of splenic cancer that sneaks up on dogs and takes them just like that and many without warning like my Jada.

Even though it’s incredibly difficult for you right now to process all of the hurt & pain, you will probably be glad in time for the closure that you may get from your boys passing. Even though you can’t physically touch him , you can relive some happy moments in your mind. When you get to that point , I would love to hear them. Its been @ 4 weeks for me now & everyone just expects me to be over it. But Im so not over it. My husband doesn’t like me to talk @ her anymore, because he just lost his father. My daughter is too wrapped up in her own life with her boyfriend & apparently since she wasn’t Jada’s caretaker - doesn’t feel the kind of pain that I do. I want to talk @ her with the people who knew her best, but no one wants to anymore. This makes me feel very isolated & alone in my grief.

I work out of my house & was with Jada day & night & so I have the most amount of memories & time spent witg her. Not that they didn’t share in the grief in the beginning, but they don’t really understand how devastating this has been for me. She died literally at my feet & there was nothing I could do to save her. This is my deepest regret.

I have only thought that I saw her once, upon waking up, right next to my bed where she would get up as soon as my eyes opened & I would see her beautiful, happy face. It kills me inside that I cannot see that anymore & that morning, it must’ve been before I woke up , because it was as if she was there. Then I woke up too fast & she wasn’t there.

Thank u for allowing me to share my grief with you, it helps to know that someone else out there gets it. I spent hours upon hours of my life, with Jada, from puppy classes, to obedience classes, to Rally , to Shutzhund, which is a very time consuming 3 part training with German Shepherds. From tracking, to obedience, to protection work. Entire Saturday’s of my life were spent doing this with her. She loved it & she excelled at it. Anyone who says its just a dog, is just an idiot.
Stillmaudesmom80

Registered:
Posts: 5
 #7 
I'm so sorry for your loss. Six is way too young. My cat Maude helped me a lot. I guess some people want to avoid grief which is a bad idea. Ignore the people who try to trivialize it. Animals often seem better than people. Let me know if I can help. The world seems lonelier without them.
Argos93

Registered:
Posts: 3
 #8 
@Anneshirley123
Hi, how have you been coping? You are right though, its hardest because others don't really understand or relate. I at times think it is harder for pet owners than for human deaths because we love them without rules, just pure love that is reflected right back at us even brighter.

I have had a good couple days so far, well, i'm barely at the beginning of the second but I am seeing things a bit brighter.

I know it seems awful when people say this, but have you thought more down the road to get another cat? I know he won't ever take your Camillo's place, but he/she is not supposed to. I find that still occuppying my mind with my second dog helps me a lot sometimes and still makes me feel less depressed when I come home or have to do normal routine things and he greets me happily.

@adoglife
I am so sorry people are silencing your grief, that they aren't letting you have a healthy mourning for you. I was watching several talks about that and I found two Tedx Talks that were great. Let me see if i can link them, one is called "When someone you love dies there is no such thing as moving on" by Kelley Lynn, then there is this other one called "Grief it's complicated...10% of the time" by Susan Delaney. These are wonderful, truly great and explain how no one but us has the key to our own grief and mourning process and to not let others silence you and pressure you. Because grief is unique each and every time because you will never stop loving Jada. She will always be a part of you and you will always love her for who she was and for how she made you feel and who she made you become as a person.

I miss him terribly, I remind him in the smallest of things and most days have a certain level of issue sleeping. It's funny but he had this sleeping efect on everyone, whomever would lay beside him for a little while, if you were comfy and had the tiniest amount of sleepiness- you would fall asleep deeply beside Argos. So whenever i go to sleep I miss him even more because I can't fall asleep because i get to thinking about him.

But i'm feeling better about him lately, i no longer just burst into tears when thinking about him or being reminded of something he did. I guess it still depends on the day, because i have been having a rollercoaster but today I feel good about how much love he gave me and I gave him and I miss him terribly but I always will and that will never change because he was my best friend.

Whenever either of you want to talk, I am also here, because all of us are on the same boat and we will have good and bad days and bottling up the grief and pain is never a good idea.
Gringoem13

Registered:
Posts: 9
 #9 
Argos93- the pain is so real and raw. I am going on 19 weeks since I put my beloved Izzy to rest. In some ways it gets easier- but others it feels worse. I am at a point where I feel as though she is slipping away again. My thoughts are no longer consumed with my regret and pain at all hours of the day and night- and you would think that is a good thing but it feels terrible. I don’t want to forget her. Or stop thinking of her and having her be a huge part of my life. She was with me when she was just 5 weeks old- the people who had her were not caring for her and half her litter had passed... she was well on her way too... but then we had 15 wonderful years together. But now she’s gone. I feel like a different person and I suppose I am but what do I do now? It scares me and brings this whole new guilt that I am living life without her by my side. She was there with me ALL the time. She came to work, she rode with to run errands, she took trips with me across the country- even riding in a gondola up to the top of a mountain in Colorado with me when I was 7 months pregnant and still lifted her in and out of the cab.... I just miss her and love her so very much. One tiny thing that has helped me is that even knowing all this pain and heartbreak- I would do it all over again for her. That time with her means more to me than my sadness over her being gone. And I would do anything for that sweet girl to be here again. But I have to have faith that we will be together again. We have to be. I pray for you and your sweet companion as well as my own. I hope you are staying strong and would like to talk more if you care to.. :)
AnneShirley123

Registered:
Posts: 5
 #10 
@Argos93 and @Gringoem13 thank you for your thoughts and for sharing. @Argos93 I am glad you are seeing some brighter days because that gives me hope that I will too. I met with a pet loss counsellor today and she suggested I write a letter to Camillo.. And yes, when we are in our new home (moving soon) I will get another cat. Thank you for your encouragement in that. And @Gringoem13 I wonder if you may have heard of making a memory box? I might do that. A small box with mementos of Camillo including some of his sweet soft fur which I am keeping in a little trinket box. Also the pet counsellor suggested writing down all the little things I don’t want to forget about Camillo. I know I will cry buckets when I do this writing but I’m going to write regardless. Sending my thoughts and love to you both from Vancouver, Canada.
doglife

Registered:
Posts: 69
 #11 
@Argos,
Thank you so much for your kind words. They mean so much. I am so glad to hear that you are doing a little bit better. Having another dog to have to take care of & love helps. What you said @ Argo helping you sleep, is how my dog Leo is. He lets you lay on him & he just snores away. I will truly miss that when he is gone. I hope that one day you will be able to feel Argos presence to help you to sleep better. He sounds like he was such an awesome dog. You & him had an incredible bond that could never be broken even through time. Thanks for listening & sharing.
Jada’s mom
goofygirlinva

Registered:
Posts: 1,191
 #12 
Argos, I can completely understand your pain with not wanting to let go of your boy and wanting that one last hug, one more hug. When Squeeker passed away, I had chosen in-home euthanasia so I was there with him at the end. It was a peaceful passing, but it was just so final, if that makes sense. I did not hand Squeeker's body over to the vet that did the euthanasia because I had made separate arrangements to take him in for a private cremation. But I canceled and rescheduled the cremation appointment twice simply because I could not manage to bring myself to hand him over to a stranger who would then reduce his body to ashes. And when I did finally bring him in, it was so very hard to hand him over because I knew that once I handed his body over it would be final and even though he had been gone for over a week, I would never again be able to hold him or look into his eyes or feel his soft, silky fur. But I knew I needed to properly dispose of his body, so I just handed him over and quickly left the building and then went and sat in my car and cried. And then 2 hours later I came back to the cremation place and picked up his ashes in the urn I had purchased. What had once been an incredibly vibrant, amazing creature so full of life and love was now reduced to just a bunch of ashes in a little container. It was so sad. And so permanent...

I hope you are doing better. The first few days, weeks, months after we lose our beloved companions is so hard. Our hearts ache so much, we have such a void in our daily routines, our homes are so much emptier and quieter and it is agonizingly difficult to adjust to our new normal...

Hugs to you,

- Kelly

Angel Blackie's mom
Angel Squeeker's mom
doglife

Registered:
Posts: 69
 #13 
@Goofygirlinva . I had a similar experience to yours. Although my dog Jada, died at my feet., & shes a 78 lb German Shepherd plus she was soaking wet from playing in the hose. So I couldn’t even lift her up. I saw her pass in front of my eyes , shortly after she collapsed. There was nothing I could do to save her. I will never forget the sound of the thud her body made when she hit the concrete, or the way I was crying her name & begging her to breathe. I was totally hyperventilating myself. My daughter heard my screams & she called the ER VET, but we together still couldn’t lift her up & bring her into the vet. So her boyfriend came over & we wrapped towels around her body & carried her inside & I knew she was gone but my mind was playing tricks on me , telling me she would wake up out of this nightmare. It seemed like forever for the mobile vet to come , & when they did they said aloud my worst fear- my girl was gone.
They said they could take her to the crematory since they were closed for the day, but I wouldn’t let them. My husband wasn’t home yet & I knew that he’d want to see her one more time before we had to take her to the place. I didn’t know how to put her body on ice & have an narcopsy. The ER vet said the only place that did that was out of state & very expensive. They didn’t offer me any advice about how to go about sending her body on ice to the place . We ended up taking her to the crematory later that night as her body was starting to have a very foul oldor & it was very distressing to see her cold , lifeless body just lying there in my front room. They met us there after hours & we said our goodbyes & left her at the crematory. I couldn’t even bring myself to pick her ashes up the next day. I felt paralyzed & completely traumatized from the whole experience. And when I could bring myself to pick up her ashes after memorial weekend, I cried all the way there & all the way back home. I wish now that I had sent her body to the places that are doing the cancer research for dogs. But at the time she died, I had no idea why. I couldn’t get into my regular vet until a week later & My regular vet said there are really only 2 causes of sudden death in dogs & she believed it was hemangiosarcoma. And after hours of research, it seems as that is what ultimately caused her shocking death. I cannot get those last horrible moments out of my mind. Every morning & every night I wish to kiss her forehead & carress her ears. Just to look into those beautiful eyes once more & see them looking back at me. To me the ashes just don’t seem like that could be my happy, silly, energetic dog. But the story of your precious furbaby reminded me of how I felt. I am sorry for your loss & hope you are finding some comfort & healing in sweet memories. Sometimes I can think of Jada & laugh, other times I cry, & other times I still can’t believe she’s gone. I hope you both are coping & finding happier moments. This is so hard.
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