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babydaisy

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Posts: 38
 #1 
It's been just over 2 months since I decided to say goodbye to my babydaisy. She was my 1 & only dog, a beautiful 15 yr old Chihuahua with the sweetest nature & big eyes just like a seal pup. I'm really traumatised over the thoughts I've been having lately- her body being all alone & in a chiller after euthanasia & the cremation process ( allowing them to burn her body) I wish I could stop this torture..I keep her ashes in my cupboard at the moment too because I fall to pieces looking at the box 'acknowledging that'! I have been doing my v best to keep busy although my heart just isn't in anything I plan to do & my heart feels like it is permanently being squeezed, even my neck is aching from the tension from the constant crying.. have gone from hardly eating to eating junk food & my hair has been falling out.

I have been desperately trying to find comfort and came across a Christian tv channel & ztarted to watch it zearching for some kind of peace..I sometimes watch the supervet on TV too because I think Noel Fitzpatrick is a beautiful human being.

2 nights ago my beautiful Daisy appeared in my dream but very briefly. She was in my arms & there was a sausage dog with one eye. They were not playing or doing anything, I just remember looking and seeing this

I would greatly appreciate some sort of comfort or advice. I feel like a lost cause.
babydaisy

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Posts: 38
 #2 
Anyone else who has had these thoughts?? I would greatly appreciate some form of support..I'm missing her immensely & I'm really struggling to cope..
grievingmom

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Posts: 639
 #3 
Oh yes, I have had those thoughts. And so have many others. If you love someone, it's normal to think about the details of what happened to them... before, during and after their death. I have had such thoughts concerning all of my pets. It is part of processing your loss. By processing, I mean going over what happened.

Please know that the disturbing images and thoughts are an indication that you are grieving. And you want to grieve. Because then eventually the pain eases up as you grieve. So applaud yourself for going through this.  Absolutely in due time this will stop. You will not be having these thoughts forever. For a while I was obsessed with such thoughts. And again, that's normal. Alot of what happens during grief is involuntary. Like thoughts such as the ones you are having. This is one thing that can happen during grief. It isn't like you sat there and decided on your own that you were going to dig up thoughts like this. Grief is not a single emotion but powerful and often uncontrollable response that makes us experience many things. You are seeing that first hand. We are plunged unwillingly into desperate, dark places. And it can feel extremely overwhelming and inescapable.

I was very concerned about Emerald being burned to death while being creamated...if she could feel anything and so on. I feared that Pearl who was placed in a freezer and Tum as well...if they could feel anything while in the freezer. Did they wake up? What if they weren't really dead?

The thoughs are horrible and upsetting but trust me, you will not have them all forever.

This is a normal part of grieving.

Feel free to keep talking about it! I am sorry for you that you have to endure this.

Stay the course! You will be OK.

- Stephanie
babydaisy

Registered:
Posts: 38
 #4 
Stephanie

Thankyou for your kind reply, it helped me a lot. After reading other people's stories about pet loss & their own experiences with grief I connected with them in terms of what they were feeling etc, but I really became worried when I started having these thoughts. I kept thinking too that she may wake up in the freezer & even feel pain when being burned, further torturing myself into thinking she may still feel...I was desperate for answers & didn't know why I was having thoughts. I am sorry to hear that you had them too about your lovely Emerald, Pearl & Tum..

I once read somewhere that grief is something we carry around with us in a big unseen suitcase..

As my Daisy was my 1st pet, all of this was & still is new to me, and although I read up on grief to help prepare myself, nothing could prepare me enough, as it feels like nothing I have ever experienced before, no pain has ever compared.
I nursed her towards the end & it was awful then, but so deeper after she passed....

Thankyou so much for your explanation and support...
Daisy's mummy..
grievingmom

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Posts: 639
 #5 
babydaisy, 


Glad my reply helped.

Nursing our pets at the end...and instead of seeing a full recovery, death happens.... is a living nightmare. I knocked myself out trying to reverse Emerald's ailments. When she died, I died too. Same with Pearl. it was and has continued to be hell on earth...but thank goodness is has eased up considerably. With time and calling pet loss hotlines.

Please keep in touch with us and share your feelings and thoughts.

And again, disturbing thoughts and feelings are very much are a part of grief.


- Stephanie
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