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crazylady

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Posts: 75
 #1 

Where's my heart? 

 It's close to 16 weeks since my D.o.G had to go on without me. 
 
My cat Kayla trys real hard to fill the space that my babygirl has left in my life.  When I cry in the corner of the bunk where D.o.G 's urn, bearbuddy and blankets are, Kayla will come by me and meow at me.  She will rub her head on whatever she is closest to. 
 
Does she remember D.o.G?  At home, at night, they would lay by each other in the living room.  Sometimes Kayla would even be on D.o.G in the morning.   
  
I go to petfinders, just looking at all the standard poodles that need someone to love them.  I want them all not to be homeless. 
 
But in the truck I can only have 1, not 2.  Five years ago, Kayla had to be left home when i changed trucking companys.  So I feel that it is her time to be with me, eventho my arms and heart crys out for a big bouncy beautiful poodle.  I miss her so much still and I know that will never change, ever. It might be better, more distant but never gone.
 
Im rambling tonite, no fancy elegant writing are coming forth.
 
Just a thinly veiled cry of heartache for my precious babygirl.
 
It hurts to love...and lose...
 
 

leonor

Registered:
Posts: 214
 #2 
Dear friend,

It hurts to love and lose, you're right.
I am sorry to know you still cry near D.o.G. things... but I'm happy you have Kayla there with you to comfort you a bit. That's really something, you know? I'm glad you're not alone.

I also believe with all my heart that you'll make it. And I believe that one day, sooner or later, you'll find a friend, a big poodle to love. A girl or a boy that will share new adventures with you, that will be grateful for being rescued and that will rescue you right back. You two will share the most tender stories and memories of D.o.G. and that will be wonderfully healing. You will turn out fine. And D.o.G. will be with you forever. When I think of Sashimi (just a moment ago I felt this), it's as if she's right here with me, so alive and real and present. I realized that this is how she will always feel to me. Her heart will beat along with mine, as long as mine beats.

I wish you well and peace.

Give Kayla my love,

Leonor
cincygal10

Registered:
Posts: 1,066
 #3 
I'm so sorry you are in pain over D.o.G.  16 weeks isn't very long.  I know how much you miss her, but you must know that she is always with you.  She loves you so very much and your bond with her grows stronger every day.  Kayla absolutely positively remembers her and know her.  I'm certain she misses her too.  I'm glad you have Kayla and I'm glad she has you.  When the time is right, you will get another standard poodle.  I love them all too.  God Bless.
                           Sleep peacefully,
                                       Pam
D.o.G, please visit your Mama and let her feel your presence.  She misses you and loves you very much.


crazylady

Registered:
Posts: 75
 #4 
Thank you Leonor and Pam for your words of grace to me.
 
I bought Kayla a toy on a string today.  She has gone from thin and scabby to fat and fuzzy since she has left the yard and trees of the house. 
 


Here's Kayla and D.o.G at home in the living room sleeping. 
 
This is D.o.G's place in the truck now.  Her blankets and buddybear and a rock that matched her haircolor that she had tripped over in that last week before.
 
When I wake up, it's just me and kayla, in my bunk and it occurs to me that I won't hold D. ever again, even now I want to see her, say good morning Honeybunny..Never to feel her leg thumping the bed in the morning talking to me please get up, Im waiting...
I lay near her corner. I touch the box waiting for some response, I still want to belive she's in there but more than ever I know she's not.
I think about the day we met, so beautiful and shy.  She was the best thing I ever had in my life, but I know my life cant end here.
Still with only this amount of time since she went on without me, it is as if I pulled off a bandage only to see that I'm not even close to healing underneath it.
There's an uneasiness that springs up witnessing other people and their pets but it also makes me jealous.  To have one more walk with D. just to hear her bark, I would take that moment...
 
Still everything wraps around back to D. what have I been doing without her, it always returns back to what I did with her.
 
The enclosing circle of love that comes from sharing a lifetime with her.
I miss that so much.
 
So, I must go on....in this world...thanks for entering my circle.
 
Cindy and Kayla and D.o.G til we meet again
leonor

Registered:
Posts: 214
 #5 
I love the picture of them both. :)

Treasure her memory, hold her close inside your heart, but know she would want you to move on because she loved you. And besides, it's a See you soon, right? Our life here on earth is a blink of an eye. And then you'll have forever and ever and ever with D.o.G. :)

You'll do fine. Be brave. You can hold on to her things if they come with a smile even if it's a bitter sweet one. But don't hold on to grief, Cindy.

I think Honeybunny is a wonderful name you had for your baby. I used to call my first cat by that name occasionally and I'm Portuguese, as you know. :)

Stay safe and warm and smile.

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