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Posts: 7
this past summer, my beloved young handsome young fellow of a dog died tragically in a car accident while i was walking him. i witnessed the whole thing and mentally clawed my way out of a deep dark place (everyday is still a struggle), relying heavily on friends, family and people in my chosen profession of clinical social work (quite literally surrounded by pscyhotherapists).

my wife and i kept some of his belongings, especially his toys -- and one toy in particular, his bone that he was chewing the day before the accident, when he looked his happiest and i neglected to take a picture or video of him in his element. today, i was looking for the bone and my wife told me that she threw it out because it smelled.
i recently let my dog's doggy girlfriend who we dogsit sometimes play with it, and she went nuts with it when she smelled his scent so i imagine she slobbered all over it and that's why it smelled.

this bone had A LOT of sentimental value because of how happy he was whenever he chewed it. i was going to bury it in the yard once the ground softened up after winter's passing... but now i'll never get the chance to. i cried like i was grieving his death all over again (ugly sobbing and loud wailing). i said some mean and hurtful things to my wife and called her names in a fit of rage that i'd rather not type out here, even anonymously.. i was in pain. i still am in pain. there is no consolation.

and my wife couldnt understand the gravity of my pain and why i was sobbing so loudly. ugh.

Posts: 1,910
Since you are literally surrounded by psychotherapists, I'll be redundant and say that the things you said to your wife are an example of displacement.  You are angry at the world or the fates to have lost your boy, but your wife was the one in range.

I don't know when your wife threw out the bone, but if the trash hasn't been collected, you could still retrieve it... and maybe wrap it up and put it in the freezer until you can bury it.

It's symbolic, you know that, but it was something he especially enjoyed and you have happy memories of him being happy with that bone.  They leave so little behind when they physically leave this world, so every trace is precious.  My Julian cat died at home in his sleep Jan. 9, 2014... and there is still one of his hairs on the inside of the microwave oven door.  I've been washing around it for almost a year now.  I live alone so can do things like that.

Since you were sobbing so loudly, I suspect your wife did figure out that your outburst was related to grieving... but an apology is still in order, and as much explanation as you can give.  

Grieving affects each person differently, and it's an up and down process, where some days are better than others.  I did snarl at the vet while I was pre-grieving the upcoming loss of my Bartholomew when the vet  told me yet more bad news.  So I had to eat crow and apologize to him, I knew I was out of line. He accepted my apology rather graciously.

May your pain soon begin to ease.


Posts: 1
I lost my 10 year old best friend 3 days ago. I got a lot out of a reply you posted. I am wondering if it gets any better, if you feel any better. I find I cannot vacuum the floor or clean anything up. It's so awful.
Max had terrible arthritis with IVDD, suddenly losing use of his rear legs. So for a couple weeks it was diapers, acupuncture, laser therapy and tears! Finally he spent a whole day whining and crying to me me. So I felt he was begging to let go.
My guilt and sadness is looming over. And it seems no one thinks it's reasonable. I hope things have gotten better for you.
I have a similar bone of Max's that I am treasuring.

Thank you

Posts: 92
I am so sorry. I'm not sure my husband would understand, either. Sometimes I wonder if a lot of couples are often comprised of one more sensitive and one less sensitive person. I'm very sorry for your loss and understand why losing one thing which reminded you of your beloved pup hurt so very much. ((hugs))

Posts: 7
Hi Jeanette,
Time does help the healing process, for sure.
For a very long time, I wanted time to stay as still as possible so that "yesterday" with my pooch lasted as long as possible, and then I wanted time to move fast to try and speed up the grieving process.
And then I also wanted to move to a new place to run as far away from any memories (happy or sad). One of my mentors recommended I refrain from moving, and another suggested that I buy new throw pillows, curtains, etc. to slowly change what I wanted to change while staying still at home.
It's different for everyone, but the process is a process and a nonlinear one to boot. Moving through it all after time, definitely helps. Feeling different is more accurate than feeling "better". Feeling everything is the challenge, the sadness hurts then it subsides, and I'm still learning to be okay with all of it coming and going. Hope this makes sense and hope it helps!
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