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Missmj

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Posts: 2
 #1 
This long story is probably a way for me to convince myself that it isn’t my fault but deep inside me is a guilty conscience and is still thinking about the “if only’s”.

My almost 3 yo bunny passed away on 10/06/18, sunday morning. 2-3 months ago we took him to the emergency hospital and he was diagnosed with UTI and gut stasis. He had a speedy recovery from that infection/condition. 2 weeks after, we took him again to the emergency hosp and he was diagnosed with floppy bunny syndrome. Stayed at the ICU overnight and took him home the next day. He was surprisingly recovering very well. On the 3rd day of the floppy bunny syndrome he was already out and about and back to his usual self. I was very proud of him even posted a lot of videos of him on a facebook page.
Couple days after, Vet advised me to stop current medications for floppy bunny. 1 week passed, our baby was back to normal; Hopped and ran around the house, chased his balloon (his toy), gave mum and dad a kiss and cuddles and greeted us when we came home and asked us to pet him constantly... a week after that, on a saturday, we had to leave him overnight on his own because my partner had a gig in a bar which is a good hour drive from our place. We were too confident (and this will forever be in my conscience, mind you) that he will be fine on his own. We chose not to take him with us because we know that they can get stressed so easily (although we have taken him many times to my parents place for a visit) and also knowing that he just recovered.
I awfully remember his stare as me and my partner were changing and getting ready to leave. He just stood outside our bedroom door and stared at us and silently hopped away under the dining table(his favourite spot) after a good 5-10 minutes. We left him (more than enough) water and food and veggies, left the radio and lights on so the house is not too quiet and he is not in the dark. I kept on calling him before we left to give him a kiss but he didn’t come out. We thought he was being a sook because he knows we were going somewhere. We left our bun not knowing it will be the last time we’re going to see him alive.

I came home the next day and noticed that his food in his hutch was untouched, i called out his name but i didnt get a response. I went straight to the dining area and there i found him lying flat on the floor, cold and eyes partly open and a moderate amount of poo around the area of his bottom. I could barely touch him in disbelief. I screamed and screamed until my lungs and tummy ached. I wanted to wake up from a nightmare but I can’t. I can’t think straight. Too many questions unanswered (and will remain unanswered) and it all started with the word “WHY”. I wanted so much to blame somebody but there was just me and my mistakes. It hurt too much that i wanted to rip myself open because at that time it seemed like screaming and crying wasn’t enough to let my feelings out. I wanted so bad to grab him and cuddle him, but he was stiff as a fish in a frozen lake. All that remained soft but cold to the touch was his long loppy ears. I don’t know where i got the courage from at that time but i stood up and started digging at our backyard. There was a thunderstorm coming on that day and the rain was starting to get heavy. But i went on digging, i had to stop so many times because i wasnt sure what i was doing or if i was ready to leave my bun in this deep grave that i was making. When i finally decided that it was deep enough (remembering what my partner once told me before when digging a grave, that it should be enough not to be dug up easily by other animals),i went up to see him again. i collapsed straight away and cried my guts out again. After a few minutes of grievous crying and screaming, i decided to wrap him up with the shawl that i recently made and to hopefully make him warm a bit because at that excruciating moment, deep in my heart, i was still hoping that he would stir a little bit and that i could still revive him. But when i picked him up, i waited ... and waited. That’s when reality hit me; i will have to bury him and that i will never see him again...
Me and my partner laid him to rest as the thunderstorm struck its best and soaked us with rain and tears... i decided to put his hutch beside his grave in case he gets hungry and he wants to sleep in it. It was with a heavy heart as we collect all his meds and newspapers and boxes that he likes to play with and put them all in a black bin bag... i took a long time in the shower, thinking and crying and thinking and crying again...

That night i dreamt. I wasn’t entirely sure if it was because of the traumatic event that happened or if it was him visiting me one last time and trying to tell me something... you know that feeling when you wake up after a dream and straight away you can interpret what the dream meant or what it’s message is. When i woke up from that dream i instantly somehow in a way felt why totoro came. He was telling me that he will always be here with us... but that didn’t stop me from crying myself day and night. Up until now, i go and visit him when i wake up, come home from work, about to go to bed or when it’s dark outside and say my goodnight wishes.

Up until now, i still feel the urge of digging him out of his grave and take him inside with me away from the cold, harsh soil and snuggle him til we’re both asleep.

- [ ]
kenzcookie

Registered:
Posts: 10
 #2 
That’s so sad. You had such a connection with this bunny. Totoro will always love you. The way he died doesn’t take away all of the many beautiful moments you shared with him. No one could have predicted that he would’ve died so suddenly. His death is not your fault, never guilt yourself for that. Your bun wouldn’t want you to do that. Just know that you guys will always love each other. Nothing can take your love or memories away, not even death. You’ll see him again but even now, he’s with you, just in a different form. I lost my five year old bunny on June 9th and I still visit her in her room and talk to her and pet her even though she isn’t there. It feels so real though, her presence. If that’s what you are feeling, I completely understand. There’s no such thing as moving on from a pet, you move with and through. Move through this grief with your Totoro, and in time you will heal but his spot in your heart will never close. I’m wishing you all my love and strength, take care of yourself. <3
kenzcookie

Registered:
Posts: 10
 #3 
Also, one thing that’s helped me move through these past hard five days is just realizing how amazing my bunny was. I’m just so proud of her and I feel so lucky to be her owner. Maybe think about Totoro that way. Celebrate his life.
Missmj

Registered:
Posts: 2
 #4 
Kenzcookie you made me cry! 😭😭😭 thank you soo much! I am so grateful that somebody knows how i exactly feel. This is a very hard time for both of us. I am sorry for your loss, truly. Days seems longer than usual for us... the house just feels so empty now and i feel like im betraying him because we are now thinking of adopting a puppy. Im not sure how i should feel about this.
kenzcookie

Registered:
Posts: 10
 #5 
Of course. 💓 I’m thinking about a dog myself. I just need an animal of my own in the house. Not to fill this void but because I love taking care of animals and maybe they can help through the grieving process. My mom suggested it at first and I was absolutely against it because I felt like it would betray her and all I wanted was her. I started to look up things like getting a pet after losing one or learning about the grieving process and I learned a lot. I learned that you can never betray your pet. That the love you give to another pet doesn’t take away the love you have for another. I read other people’s personal stories and everyone’s different when it comes to getting another pet. Some people adopt another after a week and they say that it helped with the grieving process. Others couldn’t get a pet after years. It just depends on the person and what you feel is right. Just know that adopting another pet could never betray Totoro. It seems like Totoro cuddled with you through good and bad times. He was there for you no matter what just like my Cookie. He would want you to be happy, if that means getting a pet or not. When people ask if you have any pets, you can still talk about him. You will always count him as a part of your family.
kenzcookie

Registered:
Posts: 10
 #6 
Sorry my phone is glitching right now and that was extremely long so I’m sorry haha, but I hope it helps. 💓💓💓
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