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Posts: 1
I've lost both of my best friends (two amazing cats) and I am destroyed. Maximus died last summer 2016, it was the worst thing I have ever personally experienced. The veterinarians kept him alive too long. They foolishly allowed me to take him home since I wanted time with him before he was gone and I wanted to euthanize him at home.  He was suffering from kidney failure at 8 years old. I had learned he had a deformed kidney through an ultrasound about 6 months prior but with a special diet he seemed better. Until he got much worse. He had been hospitalized for 5 days and once I brought him home he was liquid. He could barely move.  He was an active, clingy, vocal, sweet, tabby and siamese mix (who was kinda cross-eyed) that I had found wandering the streets. He was dying.

In the period of time it took to wait for the person to come, his organs began to fail. He started wailing. He had seizures. He became limp. I rushed him back to the hospital. They charged me before seeing him. They couldn't get a catheter in to euthanize him because he was so dehydrated. I heard him crying in the back room. I can't even explain how horrible it was, and honestly I blocked it out. They had to put him under anesthesia and stab him with the drug through his heart. Why they didn't put him under right away I still don't understand. I spiraled into a depression after he died, turning to other obsessive thoughts. I turned my mind off to him. I avoid looking at pictures of him. I try to look sometimes.

Come this year, my other kitty, Gabriella, became sick at 11 years. This time I didn't make the same mistake. I was hyper vigilant. I watched her carefully, took notes, plied her with different kinds of food, and tried to get a proper diagnosis - and always asked the vets if it was time, I couldn't bear to repeat history. Lymphoma they said. Rare leukemia. I was giving her steroids, leukeran, and B12 injections. She lost her balance. The right side of her face became paralyzed. They didn't know why. She started to lick her fur off. Finally I got referred to a dermatologist who looked in her ear. She had a highly aggressive cancer that doesn't respond to treatment - my efforts had been futile. She had a tumor in her head. No eardrum. I had been blending her food for two weeks and she dribbled it around the house. But she still played. And slept with me. And purred. But it was time. She was euthanized at home and it was as good of a death as I think I could've asked for. 

I don't feel the same guilt as I do with Max, but now all my grief for Maximus is returning. I feel like I'm mourning doubly. I had a human friend die three years ago too, and my cats were so helpful during that time. They saved me. I swear Max understood. He was more lovely than usual. Gabby just continued to boss me around, she was always my master. What do I do now that I don't have them to comfort me for their loss.
They were my best friends. I live alone. My family does not understand. I am desperately sad. They were the light of my life. They brought me my daily joy.

Posts: 837

I apologize for this poor response. I have never admitted this to anyone before but sometimes I can't find words of comfort because I sit with tears streaming down my face and this is one of those times. I truly feel your pain, I have been where you are now. Feeling alone and that no one understands. I have a wonderful family but they just don't "get it". When I found Pet Loss there were so many new friends who truly understood what I was feeling and that helped me immensely. In time you will be able to look at pictures and recall all the joy you shared. And trite as it sounds, they will always be with you, they are a part of you and always will be. For now do whatever helps to ease your pain. Again I am truly sorry.

Posts: 123
Morena>  I, saddened at the reading of your passage and I truly feel your despair. Have read where, an animal touching the Soul-- is FOREVER. Where does time go? Before one knows it our pets age as we do, ailments and the meds and then the hardest decision of all. Know that You are not alone with your grieving process. If every animal was afforded in having a caregiver and shelter such as You, a better world indeed. Sadly, no guarantees that our beloveds will make it to a double digits. With that said, my own grief, losing my wee man, chihuahua, 16y, a lifetime with him and then suddenly no more. There is NEVER ENOUGH TIME TO SAY GOODBYE. The pain of being left behind, namely US the caregivers is more than one can bear. KNOW THAT THIS FORUM DOES ASSIST IN KNOWING OTHERS ARE IN THE SAME PREDICAMENT as You,I and OTHERS. OUR PETS WERE OUR WORLD. EVERY PERSON HANDLES GRIEF ON DIFFERENT LEVELS. IT MAY HELP YOU BY LIGHTING CANDLES, DISPLAY PHOTOS and YES, CLUTCH THE PET'S TOY FOR COMFORT. HOPE THIS SMALL NOTE OFFERS COMFORT MORENA. TAKE ONE DAY AT A TIME.   SHERRYXXXPERRYXXX

Posts: 3
I'm so sorry for your losses. I understand the feeling of your current loss bringing up sadness and guilt about past losses all too well.

I had a similar circumstance with my elderly dog who died from kidney failure. I feel I kept her going longer than I should have and vowed not to make the same mistake in the future. Then my family lost our 11-year-old Lab in August to cancer, and I mourned both of them. I felt like I was finally starting to heal from those losses, and then just this past week my family's 10-year-old German Shepherd died (also cancer) and all those wounds have been opened again.

I wish I had something more helpful to say to you, but just know that you are not alone in your grief.

Posts: 6
Hi there, I’m so, so sorry. I’m so sorry that Maximus got such horrible veterinary care, and you’ve been left with such guilt. We go to professionals and trust them with our loved ones, and I think we should be able to do that. You deserved better advice when you wanted to take him home — you had know way of knowing how bad the situation was, but the vet should have known, and he/she should have told you. As for the emergency vet, I know that a vet can make a mistake, but I’ve never heard of anything so inept. I’m very angry that this happened.

I’m also a little worried about you, but hopefully I’m just projecting my problems onto you. I live alone also now — I lost both my young dogs in a dreadful accident on Jan. 2. I haven’t written in about it yet because I’m kind of in shock/denial. Anyway, I’m worried because I relate to how alone you seem to feel. Devastating grief becomes really horrific if you are lacking an adequate support system, so I hope you aren’t feeling too isolated. You do at least have family, but since they don’t understand how painful this is for you, they may not be enough. Maybe you would be helped by a few sessions with a grief counselor (really, any therapist should be skilled in that area)? Sometimes talking to someone in person helps more than writing to even a great forum like this one. Most areas have reduced cost clinics, in case your insurance doesn’t help much for such things.

Please take care.

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