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HeartBroken12

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Posts: 158
 #1 
Does any of you feel like with time passing you are further and further away from your fur baby you've lost? What I kinda mean that it feels like it happened much longer ago when they passed, you don't cry every single day now and that makes you so very sad, confused and guilty because you have been so close to each other?
Or is this the denial part, where I just haven't fully excepted that he's gone, it just didn't register yet completely?

Do you struggle more because you don't get any signs from your beloved pet? And you want to know that they forgive you, they still "around", they can "hear" you talking to them, they are healthy and happy now....

I feel like why should it get any easier with time passing because we lost a big part of us, but many says that eventually the pain will lessen..

He'll sure always stay in my heart and memories forever.. And I miss Him so very much :(

Thanks for reading!
Blessings to you all and deeply sorry for everyone's losses!

CRS

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Posts: 71
 #2 
I have worried over days when I didn't cry, or cried, but wanted more (it finished, or sometimes "stopped" too soon).

Thankfully, I've had good, even long, intense cries return.

Yesterday was three months for me. I cried more in the days leading up to Patches's death anniversary than I did on the anniversary.

I'm laying in bed, now, experiencing and struggling with guilty thoughts. I also have wanted her forgiveness or to know she has forgiven me or wants to be with me again. You're not alone in that either.

oliverj

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Posts: 155
 #3 
Someone very wise here, that I met a very long time ago, said 'first there is the loss and then there is the loss of the loss'. Grief and mourning go through many stages that ebb and flow back and forth. I know it is very hard to cope as the loss gets farther and farther away in time and space. I think a part of us knows this and is why we grieve so hard to begin with and hold on to that as long as possible. In many ways it is our last, strongest connection and time with our baby. There are the memories as you say and it's good to document them and have pictures to remind us. It is our nature to go on with our lives eventually whether we like it or not. I often think of how elephants mourn their losses and go back to the bones of their departed and touch them but then they go on with their lives and survival. One way I have found to try to 'cheat' this time passage and further loss is to try to attach my babies to certain things in nature. We often speak of the rainbows and how that is them visiting us. When my Oliver passed I would think of him when the wind blew and with my darling Dickens I watch the birds fly with marvel as he did. Take care in journey and finding some peace. Minda
HeartBroken12

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Posts: 158
 #4 
CRS and oliverj,

Thank you both for your reply, much appreciated!
My loss still recent, happened almost a month ago, and I feel it's way to soon to slow down with crying. Weird as it sounds, but I think you understand. I still do cry tho, and not in the mood to do much of anything, but usually force myself to get out of the house sometimes.
I keep telling others that I don'tknow how to grief, or what's even the stages for griefing, but they saying crying is a part of it.

oliverj, are you saying that you just pick certain things in nature that reminds you of your babies, or do you actually get signs from them?

HeartBroken12

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Posts: 158
 #5 
I don't usually get replies back, well except few recently which i truly appreciate, but I hope there's someone else on here who can understand my frustration and sadness.

I've been waiting for a sign from my furbaby from afterlife knowing that he is ok and knows how much I miss him and hoping that he misses me too!
I had many nightmares since, where he was still struggling with the same things he had before he passed.
It's devastating!

Yesterday I thought I finally got a nice sign from my boy...
I saw a beautiful butterfly landing on my patio, on the bench I was sitting earlier that day. I was able to get close to it.
Since my baby passed I've been visiting butterflies, enjoying their beauty and paying more attention to them. I also heard that they can be a sign from afterlife.

So this one was just there on the bench. As I started looking at it, something didn't feel right. He wasn't moving much, but I thought he's possibly just resting. I put a little water close to him incase he needs it. He moved his wings a little and his tiny legs. I've moved the blanket a bit seeing if he's ok. He didn't fly away. I started to worry more. Tears in my eyes. I went inside to get myself ready for leaving the house.
Mom called me and said: "your butterfly isn't here anymore, it flew away". With a big smile on my face I headed outside to see..
Just when we walked outside we both noticed he was on the ground. Upside down. Dead.
VickyMJ

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Posts: 71
 #6 
Oh HeartBroken12, I feel for you so much. I completely understand your sadness and frustration.

I try not to look for signs at all, and try and let them come to me. But most of the time they don’t, I’m not sure.

My older cat Fizzy whom I lost in August, I’ve had dreams about him lots. That he just wonders in the house looking all healthy, but I’ve also had dreams that he is how he was before he died.

I think I’m too distraught to dream about Raisin yet, but I believe that they are having the better life where they are now, because this life can be so cruel.

I’m not sure if I’m making sense, I just wanted to let you know I share your pain and I’m thinking of you.

Vicky xxx
HeartBroken12

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Posts: 158
 #7 
Dear Vicky,
thank you so much for your reply and as much as I don't wish these heartbrakes for any of us, it's nice to know I'm not alone and others know and understand how I've been feeling.

I've also been told before not to look for signs and just let them show up, but how do you not look for them, if you just wanna know that your furbaby passed without any complications and they are fine now??

Someone yesterday told me to calm down, trust and and have faith. Unfortunately I feel like I lost my faith after he died and it's hard to get it back. But I'm trying I guess.

I've lost my baby in August too..

I do appreciate your words and thinking of me! And yes, you are making sense!

🐈 Fizzy 🌻 Raisin 🏵 Pinto 🐾
GNC

Registered:
Posts: 15
 #8 
     Memories fade with time for most people.  It isn't a matter that we stop caring, or grieving, that's just the way our human brains are designed.  I think that it is mostly a blessing.  If we had to carry the highest intensity of misery that we felt for each of the bad things that happen to us, every minute of the day, throughout our lives, we wouldn't survive for very long.  Even as the emotion of grief lessens, we still do love and miss our lost friends as we did before.  While we don't express our emotions so intensely, they are still in our hearts.

     One of the tenets of Buddhism is that nothing lasts in this world.  Fortunately, that includes the bad things.

     I must admit that sometimes I cry because it brings my lost friends closer to me again for a few minutes.  I suppose that's because the last thing I did when I said good-bye to them in this world was to cry, and crying is, for the moment, in this world, is my strongest connection to them.

      I'm very sorry about the butterfly.  But it is clear to me that that isn't the sign that you're looking for.  I think that was only an older butterfly that had reached the end of his/her time in this world, and had nothing to do with your friend.  S/he probably appreciated the water you made available.  I do hope that you will soon be graced with a sign from your friend that will give you comfort, and finally lessen any doubting thoughts in your conscious mind.

     I am told that everything comes down to how much a devastating event interferes with the enjoyment of other things in our lives.  We can still mourn, we can still grieve, we can still miss them, and still enjoy other things in our lives.  Ultimately, because they love us too, they wouldn't want us to be sad forever.

      I wish you well and will be thinking of you, also.


            Guy


      

     
HeartBroken12

Registered:
Posts: 158
 #9 
Thank you Guy again for your reply,  comforting words and thoughts of me!

I can't remember if I had ask you about the "distance" part yet. We were so close to each other and he was my everything, my best friend and the most unconditionally loving being I have ever met.

But not much later after he passed I felt distance building up which just become stronger. It just doesn't feel right. Any advice on this? It doesn't at all means that I love him less or that my heart healed! I just don't feel as connected as we used to be, I don't feel his presence, and I don't feel closeness. Not to even mention that this confuses me and makes it even more heart breaking..

The fact that you've mentioned Buddhism put a smile on my face. I remember the connection I've sensed between Pinto and Buddha. Whenever we visited a Buddha "statue" he just sat or laid down beside him. I even have multiple pictures of it.

This part of your message certainly clicked for me as well. I have never thought of it this way and even so I couldn't put it in words any better. 
"If we had to carry the highest intensity of misery that we felt for each of the bad things that happen to us, every minute of the day, throughout our lives, we wouldn't survive for very long." 

Next day a friend mentioned to me that they saw many butterflies dead that same evening and she also told me that around this time of year when they "leave". Just seeing him/her dying right front of me, the memories came rushing back and couldn't help but cry and started praying. 

I'm still wondering whatever happened to Florence... I hope you don't mind me bringing it up.?

Much blessings to you! 
HB



 
GNC

Registered:
Posts: 15
 #10 
     I don't think that there's really anything you can do about distance seeming to grow between you and Pinto.  It's not that the distance between you is actually growing, it's that you perceive it to be growing, because the memory isn't as strong as it was before.  That is just the way the brain works, memories fade with time for most people,  It may seem that we lose our connection with those events.  But we don't really lose them, they did really happen.  As the event is a fact, so the connection is also a fact, even if we don't look at it in the same way as before.  These events, these connections are always part of our existence, even if we don't consciously remember them.

     I always advise people to write down as much as they can about their experiences with their friends, especially the most pleasant memories.  Sometimes, I've found that re-reading them again, I can, at least for a little while, experience the same joy that I had at the time the experience happened.

     I know that it's possible in certain types of brain surgery for a patient to remain awake, and then it's possible to stimulate certain parts of the brain and have people remember certain things again.  But I don't think you want to do that.

     Florence is currently sitting near me, watching me closely, because she anticipates that when I next get up, the chances of her soon getting a treat rise significantly, and she doesn't want to miss out.  She's mostly been very healthy during our time together.  She did seem to stop eating last month and so I took her to a vet locally who specializes in rabbits.  While we were waiting, I gave her a stick of parsley and she ate it.  Then I knew she was probably going to be fine.  The vet gave me some medicine to give her and it was really hard to catch her six times so that I could give her the medicine, but I did, and after a couple of days she was completely normal again.  Obviously, I was greatly relieved.

     Five weeks after Bugs left, I was in a pet store and I went by a rabbit that was no longer an infant that they wanted to sell.  He was of the same type as Florence, a lionhead, although a little smaller than Florence.  He had the additional fur around his head, and two ears that seemed to look like little horns, and a very dark brown color, so that the first time I saw him he looked just like a little buffalo.  So I brought him home and named him Brenin, which is a word in the Welsh language meaning "king".

     Florence is as skittish around Brenin as she was around Bugs, and Brenin doesn't like me to get close to him either.  If one rabbit starts to move toward the other, especially if the other is at a food plate, the other will move a few feet away and give up the food to the first rabbit, who's usually just wanting to see what the other rabbit is doing.  They don't ever fight, and deep in their hearts I think they like each other, but they prefer to be a little bit apart.  Although last year, I took them to my sisters and put them in an enclosed area in her basement, and one time when I saw them, Brenin was laying across Florence's front legs, and she was licking him extensively.  (Licking is the way that rabbits express affection.)  So I'm pretty sure that they usually appreciate being together.

     I hope that you're doing well, having an enjoyable evening, and will continue to find more peace in your life.


                      Guy

HeartBroken12

Registered:
Posts: 158
 #11 
Thank you Guy for your reply again and your continuous support! It's musv appreciated! 

I've started writing my journal back when I lost my baby boy, but as I don't remember a bunch of stuff I want to, I already don't have all the memories I'd like to write down. I think I really should and want to start remembering the happy times with him, instead of still struggling how much I want him back and the sad, last days of his life. I was told by few that could be a possible reason why I still don't get the happy, healthy sign from him.

I started to be more active on this site and reply to many more posts, hoping I can at least help few people. Some really were touched by my words and told me they appreciate my support! Can't even tell you how much it means, but I'm sure you already know that feeling!

Nice to hear that Florence and Brenin are around and you all enjoying each other's company! 
Do you or have you ever posted any pictures of them? Would love to see those sweet little beings! 

I really like specifically this post of yours, I even mentioned it to someone here on the forum: 
"Memories fade with time for most people.  It isn't a matter that we stop caring, or grieving, that's just the way our human brains are designed.  I think that it is mostly a blessing.  If we had to carry the highest intensity of misery that we felt for each of the bad things that happen to us, every minute of the day, throughout our lives, we wouldn't survive for very long.  Even as the emotion of grief lessens, we still do love and miss our lost friends as we did before.  While we don't express our emotions so intensely, they are still in our hearts."
I couldn't put it in better ways to say all this.

Looking forward catching up at tonight's chat if you'll be around. 
HB


GNC

Registered:
Posts: 15
 #12 
Some people have told me that with conscious effort, we can concentrate on happier experiences and so diminish the impact of sad ones.  I've never quite been able to manage it myself, my mind is too scattered.  But in the more difficult times, I do find relief in writing and then re-reading descriptions of the good experiences.

I congratulate you on being willing to help others with this experience.  I've found some relief for myself by helping other people cope with the loss of their friends.

           Guy
HeartBroken12

Registered:
Posts: 158
 #13 
Thank you Guy, I appreciate your reply as always!
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