Registered: 1525636983 Posts: 3
I lost one of my babies friday morning on the way to the vet.
He was such a playful and curious cat, he seemed to love me more than the other two in his litter I brought in and of course in his own way. I keep remembering him everywhere I look and it just strikes me so hard I didn't realize how much he loved ME until now. I knew I loved him and his siblings but didn't fathom how much he reciprocated. It wasn't until him and his siblings came into my life that I had such a loving relationship with cats. Having cats as a kid they were aloof, and seemed to more or less take or leave you. Even my favorite girl of 14+ years didn't show affection like my Loki or his brother, me having brought her in at probable age of year or two. But Loki and his siblings came into my home just barely bigger than my hand. They'd all sit on my lap together as I pet them and Loki with his sister loved to jump and climb on my back while I played with them. The shock of him just being gone, how much I miss and love him or how uneasy his passing was is so hard. I woke up yesterday hoping I had a terrible dream but just for second before I knew it wasn't so. I loved him with all my heart, he seemed to feel the same, and I couldn't offer him a peaceful exit and didn't have any time to come to terms that he wouldn't be here today. I had to put down my girl over 15 years ago and I don't think it hurt this much but I hope I'm wrong and it'll just take a really long time to adjust. With her I knew she was sick and had time to appreciate her until the end in a way I just didn't with him, he was too young and seemed so healthy. His toys, his favorite treats, foods, etc are all over, his brother reminds me of him, and I feel sad my other baby boy lost his brother, they were very close. The house is quieter and emptier, he'd jump at the door to see me, sometimes opening it when he came down, he'd meow to be with me, he'd jump on my shoulder when I'd stand by a table to look out a window so I'd take him with me. For every memory of our good times it just makes me sad he's not here. I can't stop getting overwhelmed I couldn't help him if it would even have made a difference. Vet said it was probably his heart, which maybe surgery could've helped maybe not, maybe it would have been a toss up to when he'd show signs of distress and if I could get him help in time like a timebomb you either can diffuse or can't. I just miss him and wish he didn't have to suffer at the end. I gave him the best life I could and would've sparred him the pain if I could.
Registered: 1525641957 Posts: 5
it has also been my experience that all of the little routines are really painful reminders. Of course your cat loved you and you gave him a great life but that doesn’t really help right now. We lost our cat after only having him for four months, and I would give anything to have had longer. all I can hope is that the immediacy of the pain will go away, and the guilt,and I will just remember how much we loved him he loved us and how we tried to give him the best life we possibly could.
Registered: 1525603202 Posts: 3
I completely understand what you are going through. I also lost my young cat that I was very bonded with a month ago, very suddenly and unexpectedly, to an incurable heart disease that I had no idea he even had because he hid it very well. Losing him has been the greatest pain I have ever felt in my life. He was my everything, I loved him dearly and his passing has absolutely devastated me. I wish I could say it gets easier with time, but for me, it has not because every day that passes is another day he is not here. I miss all of the little things I did for him and he for me, my life has been so interrupted by all of this and I feel so lost because he gave me so much purpose. I can't imagine how painful it must have been to lose him on the way to the vet and not properly getting to spend those last moments with him. I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. I don't know if reading my story will help you at all, but it is on the board titled "sick with grief." One of the only things that have helped me to cope is knowing that there are others who understand what I am going through.
I hope things get easier for you.
Registered: 1525636983 Posts: 3
Thank you both, I've tried to keep busy to avoid thinking too much.
I got some relief visiting his grave I hadn't done that since I buried him, just couldn't bare to yet. Writing my cherished memories of him has also helped some, mainly so I won't forget. I wish I had more pictures/videos of him, I still can't go through them all it is too much for me at the moment, I was often too busy just being with him and his siblings that going for a camera or trying to take a pic took me out of the moment. Many pics ended up of fuzzy/blurry faces smelling the camera or out of frame as they bounced off.