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ewokangel

Registered:
Posts: 10
 #1 
I brought Ewok's ashes home last Monday.  When I picked them up at the vet, a male vet tech came out and I am thankful that he did as he and my girlfriend (here from Tucson) had to hold me up.  I started crying so hard, especially when they presented me with a heart shaped plaster cast in which they had put Ewok's front paw prints and his name on the bottom. 

I could not believe that the pain could get any worse than when I had to start Ewok on his journey to the Rainbow Bridge but it really has gotten much worse.  I sit most days in my pajamas and either cry or stare at the walls. 

I have an appointment Monday with a new doctor so will see what she suggests.  I am so very very depressed and really don't care about anything else or anyone.  My husband, I know, is very worried.  Also, Chewie (my husband's fur baby) is very very depressed and will probably have to go to the vet next week if he does not snap out of it.  But, I know how he feels. 

I miss you my precious darling angel boy.  I will see you someday soon.

Sandy, Ewok's Mommy forever and always

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AngelFester

Registered:
Posts: 23
 #2 
i'm so sorry. i am waiting for Fester's ashes and i am terrified. i don't want him in an urn!!! i want him. it's been 6 long days and 6 lonely nights. i don't know if i'll be able to have the urn where i can see it. i can't imagine that i'll ever be able to. it's good that you're going to the doctor. some antidepressants are just to get you out of the life stopping rut. they won't make you feel less pain but they can help you function. also, when taken for a hardcore situational depression, you often don't have to take them for long. hang in there. your baby is beautiful. i don't like saying was. i'm not at 'was' yet. praying for you.
JasminesMom

Registered:
Posts: 440
 #3 
Sandy:

So sorry for the pain and loss you are feeling.  As far as the depression you are experiencing, many of us here can relate.  It is so normal when you are grieving a loss so profound.  I know I've been there.  I know how hard receiving your baby's ashes is as I too had the same reaction.  I don't have them on display for a multitude of reasons.  One I don't think I could cope if I had to see them all the time and two I know my young children would be devastated.  Don't think they are ready to see the box that contains the remains of such a wonderful creature, it would be too much.  It's hard enough for me.  So, I have the box carefully tucked away and I've told my husband I want her to go with me, when it's my time.

As far as the pain and grief that have such a hold on you now, you will find the strength to rejoin the world, but it will be at your own pace.  Just don't keep things bottled up inside, keep talking.  Going to the doctor is also a good idea.  I did that too in the beginning.

It's been over a year for me and I still have many moments.  But, I've learned to function, because I know I have to.  The pain is just below the surface at this time, but again, I've accepted it always will be.  That is the price I know I have to pay for loving my sweet Jasmine so much.  I will forever be grateful though I had 10 years to call her mine. 

So take good care of yourself and again know you're not alone. 

                            Hugs to you, JasminesMom (Kathy)

binkopus

Registered:
Posts: 10
 #4 
Oh, Sandy.

I'm so sorry about your little Ewok. He's a darling.

I know exactly how you feel. I lost my sweet kitty Opus on 7/8/08, and we are awaiting the return of her ashes in about a week and a half. While part of me will be comforted to have some part of her at home with me, I know that picking up that little box is likely to kill me because it's just another tangible sign of something I don't want to accept as true. Like the deafening silence and gaping emptiness at the house we used to share wasn't bad enough.

I, like you, have been completely knocked down by grief. I've only left my house once (and only then because I couldn't stand to be surrounded by all the memories). Otherwise, I don't do much. Except cry. I haven't showered in God knows how long nor have I gotten dressed out of pajamas. I don't even think I've brushed my teeth (yuck, I know). But I just don't care. I even get mad when the sun shines outside. How crazy is that? But why should it? What is there to be happy or sunny about?! As far as I'm concerned, it should rain everyday, all day, from now on.

But I also know this will pass. And I am trying to do what I can, each day. I have loved ones, too, who are concerned about me. The last images of my baby's passing keep running through my head, and when they do, I consciously make myself think of happier, healthier, funner times with my girl. Fortunately, there were lots of them, so it's not hard to do.

And I know that's what Opus and Ewok would want us to do. Let's not reduce our pets' lives to a memory of their deaths. They were -- and are -- so much more than that.

I've taken to constructive ways to spend my time thinking about Opus. I already had a scrapbook, so when I'm blue (all the time), I go through it. Even through my tears and sobbing, it makes me feel better and helps me remember her the way she was. If you don't have one, perhaps you could start working on one? You'd be surprised how therapeutic it can be. I also learned how to build a powerpoint presentation set to music so when it plays, it's like a little movie montage of pictures of my kitty. And I can watch it over and over and smile. I actually built it when she was alive and well, and I made her sit on my lap and watch it with me, so now when I watch, I can remember how we watched it together.

This may sound nutty, but I also built a little shrine to my Opus to help me through this time. It's simple - just some roses that someone sent me, along with a framed picture of Opus, a clay piece with her paw print in it, and a candle that I keep burning all day and night (as long as I'm awake). When I need to talk to her or miss her acutely, I go and talk to her at the little altar I've built. Maybe you could do something similar with Ewok's paw prints and urn? Just to get you through this painful time.

We've all got out own ways of coping. Just know that your little Ewok isn't in that urn. He's at the Bridge, he's in your house and he's in your heart. And he would want you to find comfort and love in that. Imagine if the roles were reversed for just a second. I know that if I went first, I would NEVER, EVER want Opus to be sad and depressed for me because I would want her to know and understand that I would never, ever leave her. I have to believe that Ewok and Opus (who may be playing together right now!) would want the same for us.

In order to make it through this hellish experience, I have to celebrate the life of my cat and remember all the love we shared. I don't want to reduce her 20 years with me to a few bad days at the vet. There was -- and she was -- so much more, and I don't want to lose sight of that. Our babies deserve that.

I hope this long, rambling post has brought you some comfort and that you find some ways to ease your pain by building memories and tributes to Ewok.

Take care,

Janet (Opus's heartbroken mommy)
kdclairmo

Registered:
Posts: 540
 #5 
Sandy, I am so very sorry for your loss of your boy Ewok, he is so precious, and such warm, sweet eyes.  I got chills reading your story in the vets and how devastating it was for you to pick up his ashes and see the pawprint they made for you.  I was exactly where you are now, about a year ago when I lost my soulmate- a little 17 year old beagle named Peanut.  I still miss her so much. When she passed away in my arms after we made that fateful decision to do so, I felt as though a piece of me died with her and I have not felt the same since. Those first few days and weeks were excrutiating and I didn't know how I was getting by each day. The day after she passed I kept feeling like I heard her jingle her collar or see a flash of her in the corner of my eye and then looking at all her favorite places in our house and not having her in bed with us every night between our pillows was just too much to bear.  So believe me when I saw I feel your pain as I know the others here on this site do as well. We have all been there, hopefully just knowing that will provide you with some comfort. I do think it is good that you are seeing a Dr and going to talk about what is going on and hopefully he can give you something to help you with your grief. I oftentimes wonder if in the early days I should have done that as welll instead of just suffering thru it on my own.  Having this site also really saved me, the people on her are so wonderful so when you are really having a rough time, just come here and write to us, or write a letter to your Ewok and share all you are feeling with him.  He looks like a very loved little boy and I know it is really hard to try to figure out how to go on without his presence in your life, the daily routine you both had, etc.  Just know that a love like you shared with him is one of a kind and one to truly treasure. He will always be inside your soul and your heart and even though he is not with you in the physical sense he is with you always.

Take care.
Karen
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maryjos

Registered:
Posts: 26
 #6 
I'm sorry to hear how much you are struggling....it's so hard to imagine our beloved pet being in that little box. I hope the doctor can help but you also have to really try to take steps yourself to find your way back to normal life. Try to commit to doing some activity every day whether you feel like it or not. Maybe it might be something simple like getting showered and dressed. That might be your goal for one day, just to do that. And then promise to do something additional the next day, like fixing a meal. Or just going for a walk with Chewie...think about trying to help him as well, not just yourself. Maybe spending an hour writing in a journal. Just find something each day that you are going to commit to doing that will help on your journey back from grief. You still will grieve, you still will feel pain, but you have to not let it rule your life. Your little Ewok would not want that, I'd bet if you were lying around crying, he would just jumping up and trying to lick your tears and demand attention. So think of him being there still in spirit and telling you, you've suffered enough Mom, so get moving now! You'd be surprised sometimes how just getting some exercise each day can get you through such times.



Taz, Dearly loved by Mary Jo, 4/28/95-5/25/08
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ewokangel

Registered:
Posts: 10
 #7 
Thank you all for your words of wisdom, comfort and kindness. 

I miss my Ewok so much and the stress and grief has now developed into severe migraines the last two days - so I just stay in bed since I cannot function.

To add to the hurt and despair I no longer smell my baby on his towels or blankets or toys.  Only dust or my smells from holding them.  I feel another piece of my heart and soul leaving me.  At this point I don't feel I have any heart or soul left to go on. 

Thank you all again.  It is hard to go on and the only thing that is helping so far is the help from this site and my husband's support. 

Sandy
Ewok's forever and into eternity mommy

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