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Nighteyes

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Posts: 7
 #1 

There was a cascade of events that led to my best friend’s death by my hand, my beautiful Kai; the sweetest being I’ve ever had the honour of knowing; my “handsome man”, as I’d call him. He helped me get through so much, my mother’s death just a few years ago. He made me understand the meaning of “man’s best friend” on a more intimate level I ever thought I’d reach with any living being. He stayed by my side literally every day, when I was younger, always seeing me off to and from school, and as I got older, I would take him with me on trips all over my province; he had so much energy and a passion for life. Without him, I likely would still not be on this earth at all.

As he got older at 11 years old, I swore he would have the best life an older dog could have. I have been deliberately taking an 8 minute longer drive to reach a more accessible trail access to a trail he loves because the other entrance we used to use has a metal grate he always hated to walk on. I hand-baked dog treats for him, experimenting with the flavours he seemed to love the most, which I’d freeze and then bring along with me on walks. Just a few days ago, I can see him in my mind bounding along the trail he loves, stopping at his favourite spot to drink.  I still have a dog-ramp for the car in my cart online, ready to purchase since his back legs have been bothering him more. He was my best friend, I loved him so much. So, so much.

 I will list the events as they happened, unfiltered, to get this off my chest. I am in more pain right now than I have ever been in, in my entire 22 years of life. If I could do anything, anything, to get him back, I would. I would trade years of my life just to have him back with me. I don’t know how to stop this pain; I wish it was me and not him that died; I don’t think he could ever forgive me. He died trusting me, trusting I would return for him. He meant more to me than anything else in this world; I struggle with depression and he is what kept me motivated to get up each morning, to walk him, to feed him, to experience his love. I miss him so much, the pain is unbearable. The shame and guilt is crushing.

The previous night before work, my father (unintentionally) woke me up multiple times, at 11pm, 1am, and 3:30am; I ended up only getting around 4 hours sleep for my early shift at work which began at 5am on a farm, and was very tired. Not surprisingly, I got an ocular migraine; these tend to happen when I get a poor sleep. It left me in a bit of a “fog” for a few hours; and I had severe head pain too. I tried to push through it and keep on working, taking a few pain pills.

At around 10am I get a phone call from my dad’s friend; her son loves my dog as well, so he spent the weekend with her. He was supposed to stay with him another day, but she asks if she can drop him off at my work. I agree. She drops him off, and he greets me, happy as ever. He is so excited he nearly knocks me over (and the berries I’ve been picking); I should have just put the berries down and petted him. Why did I not? Things I will always regret.

At 11am my headache is worsening, I’m exhausted from last night, and the temperature outside has increased a lot; even Kai is trying to find shade in the main building – he is a bigger boy so I am very sensitive when he starts to get hot. I decide we should head home. On the way home, I get an ice capp for my dad and I, and I quickly grab mail from the roadside mailbox. One of the packages is for my neighbor (her house is on the same property). This is, I believe, just one of many small factors that led to such a terrible, terrible death.

I pull the car up to my front porch, grab my work bag and ice capps from the car, and an about to open the back door of the car for Kai when I remember the package I had for my neighbor. I quickly go back to the front of the car and grab the package, close the door and run over to her house to drop it off.  With my ice capps melting in my hand, I quickly run inside to give my dad his. When I meet him inside he mentions there’s something important he’s hoping to talk to me about. We go to the back of the property with the ice capps. I return to my room afterward, and leave the door wide open, due to the heat.

At 3pm I decide I’m going take Kai on a walk. I ask dad if he’s seen Kai; I call him. He doesn’t come. I look downstairs for him, in case he’s in the basement trying to escape the heat outside. I call him on the front porch. He isn’t coming. With a terrible feeling, I go to the back of my car and look for him. I felt such a feeling such of relief when I realize he isn’t in the back. Then I notice a shape in the front driver’s seat of the car. He has wedged himself, nose first, into the area with the brake pedals and gas, as tight as a ball, where he’d tried, desperately to escape the heat. I throw the car door open, saying no no no no no no, please, God, no no no, and I pull him out. He isn’t breathing and his body is partly stiff, his gums have no colour. I feel like I’m in a dream. This isn’t happening. This isn’t happening, not Kai, no not my best friend.

I run to the back to get dad, hysterical, he prods and shakes Kai all over, trying to get a response. But he realizes too that my boy, my beautiful boy is already stiffening; he is dead.

And that is how I killed my best friend, my most loving companion in the whole world. This guilt is unbearable, it’s so crushing… I do not even have words for what I am. I am the most despicable person alive, a person who killed their most innocent friend – and not only that, a friend who trusted them, wholeheartedly, without reservations, without stipulations. I killed my closest friend, my beautiful boy, the love and light of my life. The only being in this world who helped me get out of bed in some of the darkest times of my life, who helped me get through each day.

 What is even worse is that he died not even 20 feet away from me. My bedroom door faces the driveway, the car was right there, right there, within view of me the entire time while I worked on files on my laptop. He had such trust in me, such love and trust, he didn’t even think to bark or whine. If he had made any noise, ANYTHING, a scratch, a bark, I would have heard it. But he didn’t, because he trusted that I would come back and open the door, like I always did, hundreds, thousands of times before. He died, probably even seeing me through the car window, and I left him there, forgotten, my beautiful boy.

If you have gotten this far, thank you for listening. I don’t even know what to do, what can I do, I wish there was some punishment I could take to bring him back to me. I would lose an arm, even lose my life to bring him back for just a bit longer; I loved him that much. He was not a dog to me; he was a part of my very being. He did not deserve that death; no creature does. He was such a sweet, innocent soul, he lived to love me, and I lived to love him too. He was more than my companion, my best friend; he was another piece to my soul. And I killed him. My grief is unbearable, I have not eaten in over a day; when I try to sleep at night I see images of him, curled into a ball in that driver seat, and imagine the pain, the sense of abandonment, he must have felt in his final minutes. I imagine him in the ground now, that sweet, beautiful boy, lost to me forever now. I believe in a heaven, but I don’t know if he’ll be there; does God take our beautiful, gentle pets to heaven. If Kai is there, can he ever forgive me? How could he ever forgive someone like me, who claimed to love him so much, yet left him in that hot steel box, to die so horribly?

In every room of the house since his death I see him; I keep mistaking a pile of laundry on the floor as him lounging in the hallway. I keep imagining I hear his scratch at my bedroom door, as he’d always do when he wanted in. I remember his adorable little head tilt, and bright eyes when I said his favourite words… “walk” and “treat”. He would usually go to work with me every morning, at the farm, and gently sniff the chickens and cows when he was feeling curious, or sleep among the berry rows. How can I return to that place, where he spent so many hours with me? How can I ever again look at my car? That car was the last big gift from my mom; and I used it to kill my best friend. She loved that dog too, so much. I can’t even look at it. I can’t drive it. I feel like throwing up every time I see it.

 I cannot eat or sleep, even now it’s nearly 5am. I fell asleep from 12:05am-12:45am and awoke with graphic images of him, curled up in that front seat. I immediately started sobbing, I can’t take it. I can’t take this. There’s no solace no matter where I look, no reprieve from this searing pain that is tearing my heart apart.

It’s now almost 5am, I don’t know what to do, I have cried so many tears I don’t know how they keep coming, where they are even coming from now. There is no way to distract myself from this pain, every room of the house I see him, my bed where he’d sleep, the deck outside where he’d lounge, I can’t take this pain, this horrible pain. I wish I could return to the earth with him, my body is tearing itself apart, I can’t stop shuddering and puking, I can’t stop, I loved him so much, more than my own life. I don't know what to do. 

Rockymom

Registered:
Posts: 9
 #2 
Dear Nighteyes, your story is heartbreaking. I can feel how much you love Kai. I lost my little Maltese Rocky to a drowning accident a few months ago and I still experience waves of grief. Right now, your grief is raw and inconsolable. Although we never get over it, I am told that in time we learn to accept that Kai’s death was a tragic accident. I am still mourning my Rocky, but time has a way of soothing the wounds of overwhelming sadness and guilt. Don’t hold back your sorrow, cry when you can, let it out, talk to people, write about it, build a shrine to him. All those things help you release your grief. It sounds as though you gave him a wonderful life and that he was a very happy dog. Kai was sure of your abundant love. It’s hard now, but please try to dwell on the happy memories.
cmartin04

Registered:
Posts: 73
 #3 
My heart goes out to you. Things just happen. We love them soo much for all that they give us. Its awful when they leave us. I know how you feel. I should have done more for my little Alex . I dred waking up each day because hes not here. I lost my Anna April 23 and June 25 Alex left me.   Everyone on this site knows your pain. We all feel it. One day at a time. Put your thoughts on this site. It helps to get it out. 
cmartin04

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Posts: 73
 #4 
I pray that you will find the peace you need to get you through this.
JerseyLola

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Posts: 10
 #5 
I am so very sorry. I could feel the heartache in your words. Sending you hugs 💕
twinkiesmom

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Posts: 834
 #6 
My heart is breaking for you! I am sitting here in tears unable to imagine the depth of pain you are suffering. Nothing anyone could say is going to ease your pain but I care and offer you my deepest sympathy. With every word I read I could feel the love you and Kai share. I believe the two of you will be together again for eternity. Will Rogers said, "If there are no dogs in heaven then when I die I want to go where they went". I agree with that. Kai loves you, nothing can break that bond you share. It will take time and a lot of tears but there will come a day when you will be able to remember Kai with smiles instead of tears and that would make him very happy. Please take care. You and your good boy will be in my thoughts and prayers. Rest in peace Kai.
Nighteyes

Registered:
Posts: 7
 #7 

Thank you Rocky, Martin, Jersey, for your words and stories. I am so sorry for your losses; what a terrible thing to lose such trusted, loving companions. 

I think what makes this so hard for me is, not only that he died, but the manner in which he died - by my own actions, by my own cascade of events. 

I had been preparing for his "final years", in my own way, which I wanted to be so painless and full of joy. My dad and I were going to make a bed ramp once he could no longer jump up onto the bed. I had just bought an entire box of Costco wet food for him, even though I usually get dry, because he loves it so much. I have been trying to do trails that don't have elements he hates, like hills and bridge grating. After walks his back legs would be so stiff, I was going to put some carpets down on the hardwood so it'd be easier for him to get up and down. I just loved him so much and wanted to give him the best years I could in his old age, even though he was still healthy I was always thinking about the "next" problem he might have and how to combat it, so he'd never have to be in discomfort or pain. 

If my beautiful boy had just died old a natural heart attack, or fell asleep and not woken up one day, it'd be so much easier to deal with.
I would miss him terribly, so terribly, but I would also have known it's his time, his time to cross that Bridge and return to the youth of his prime. But it is so hard because I stole his time away from him, in a violent and horrible way, he hated the heat so much, and I knew that, but he died in a metal box full of it, I can't even imagine what must have been going through his mind. I didn’t just steal that time away from him and me, I have stolen hundreds and thousands of hours from my dad and sister, who also loved him to pieces.

I feel like these last 11 years with him were counted for nothing, I took away all of that trust and love away in mere moments. I am that owner now: I am "the owner who killed their dog in a hot car" - when I heard these stories about others, I despised them, I thought, if they truly loved their dog so much, they would not have left their dog in a hot car. If they really cared, they would NEVER have left their dog in a hot box, to cook. Not me, I love my dog too much, I would never allow that to happen. And now I am that owner, and I despise myself so much.

I am also so angry because the days leading up to his death and the days immediately after have been raining and cloudy; that was literally the ONLY, the ONLY day that was hot and sunny, the others have been so dreary. I live in Canada, and the entire month has been rainy and cloudy, this was the first TRULY hot day. I am asking God, why that day, just why. If it had been, quite literally, any other day in June he would have survived it. 

I’d always, always open the door as the first thing I did when I got out of the car. This got messed up on the day he died though; by balancing two ice capps in one arm and her package in the other, I didn’t have a free hand to open the back door – so I told myself I’d grab him on the way back to the house, after giving my neighbor the package. But I never did. The last interaction I ever had with him was giving him a chunk of donut as we drove down my home road, I never even turned to look at him or pet him, I just reached back and gave it to him. I wish I could have pet him, could have given him that amazing “last day” on a distant day in the future, that so many owners are able to give their pets, with his favourite treats and favourite walk, and favourite people around him. He didn't even get such a day, he died alone and in severe pain and heat, feeling abandoned and unloved and confused, most of all confused and so, so stressed. 

I feel like all the odds were stacked against me, my lack of sleep, my migraine and head pain, the package, the sunny hot day, the ice capps, the family friend deciding to drop off the dog early – it makes me so mad, so angry, but I don’t know at what- if even one of those elements had changed or not been there, even one, he would probably still be with me. And that is what makes me so angry, so hurt. His entire life hinged on an event as inconsequential as a single delivery package. His life ended on what we would call a “simple forgetful slipup”, but it had such terrible, terrible consequences. It makes me wonder if I am even suitable now to keep animals: I make stupid mistakes all the time, forget where I've put things, locked my keys in the car, left the oven on for a couple hours too long, but never one that has cost a life. This price was way too high, I can't comprehend it, the action and the price to pay are so far out of alignment. 



 

Nighteyes

Registered:
Posts: 7
 #8 
Thank You Twinkies, I somehow missed your post earlier, thank you so much for your words, you have no idea how much it means to me. It would give me such comfort to imagine Kai and I can be reunited one day, if that ever happens I hope express the depth of my sorrow to him for my failure, and joy at our reunion. What a wonderful place that would be, to be with those we love the most for eternity.

Your words help so much, I have prayed to God that if our animals go somewhere, that He will reunite us again one day. Thank you.
hayley95

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Posts: 12
 #9 
I am so so sorry to hear this truely heartbreaking story. I know there’s absolutely nothing I can do to take that guilt away from you but believe me, no matter how Kai died I think everyone on this forum will agree that we always find a way to blame ourselves. Even if like you said he died old and of a heart attack you would find something to blame yourself, it’s part of the grieving process and unfortunately yours is 100x harder because of the way that he died but you must remember this was a fatal ACCIDENT. You did not purposely try to harm Kai in any way, I’ve tried to do some research on this type of death and they apparently quickly fall into a sleep because their body can’t regulate their temperature, maybe this is why he didn’t bark or let you know. Maybe it all happened fast for him. please try to get the thought of him “cooking in a metal box” out of your head and grieve the good times for him, it sounds like he loved you a lot and I’m sure he wouldn’t want you to remember him in a bad light. I can tell you loved him so so much from your post you’re not “that” owner, you sound like the most amazing owner, you just made a mistake. My pup died 9 weeks ago at 5 years old from diabetes, I blame myself for his death and question if I am suitable to have another pet but then I have to hit reality and remember that there was nothing I could have done more to save him. You couldn’t have predicted that day, everything went against you that day and unfortunately you suffered a massive loss due to all the combining factors. You can’t rewind, you can’t keep thinking what if (I know easier said than done) but what you can do is mourn the loss of your baby and cherish every GOOD memory the two of you made. I think this is all part of the grief, you willl have bad days, you will have good days and then you’ll have even badder days for having a good day, but time will heal your wounds eventually somewhere down this horrible process you’ll be able to think of him and smile for all the good that he brought to you, Kai wouldn’t want you to feel like this. You took him on trails, gave him donuts, a lot of owners keep their dogs caged all day when they’re at work not with a family friend. You did everything you could for him by the sounds of it, please don’t let this one accident ruin your memory of him. I truely hope you find your comfort soon, I am once again so sorry this happened to you and Kai. I wish I could do something to take your unimaginable pain away, but just know that we’re all here for you and I’m sure Kais looking down on you thinking you’re silly for thinking he’d ever blame you. RIP KAI X
Dustin007

Registered:
Posts: 16
 #10 
Hi Night eyes,

Kai sounded like a wonderful friend to be blessed to know, I hope your able to seek comfort in the happy times you had. You did not cause Kai's death and if you knew that was happening you would have done whatever you needed to to be there for him.

I completely understand your situation on Sunday my family took out 13 year old Border Collie and 7 year old Lab for a hike along with my wife and 5 year old. The 7 year old Lab died of heat stroke or a heart attack, decisions i made led to his death. I am feeling extremely guilty about the decisions made that allowed for this to happen and  I am truely heart broken.

I hope you can find comfort in the good times you and Kai had and to forgive yourself for any decisions made on your part which you feel contributed, If Kai could see you today he wouldn't even talk about that day he would just want to be with you
Nighteyes

Registered:
Posts: 7
 #11 

Hayley, your post made me cry. Thank you, for reminding me it was an accident, I guess it feels so hard to call this an accident when my actions so directly caused his death. I think no matter what I will always feel responsible for his death, I just hope that this pain I feel passes enough where I can remember all the thousands of fun and playful hours we’ve had; not just his last. Thank you for researching about death by heat: it has been tearing me up inside how he would have felt as he died, but I have been too fearful to put anything into google, in case the results were even worse than I imagined. Did he seizure? What type of pain would he have felt? Did it take minutes? Hours? I really hope he went as you mentioned, like in a sleep.

I am so sorry about your pup, your friend, five years is so young, and 9 weeks is still so recent – it must be very raw for you still. What was his name?  

Thank you so much for your words, you have no idea how much they have helped me, truly. I have re-read what you’ve wrote at least three times. When I am alone with my thoughts the pain just builds and builds, I can’t stop going over the what-if’s, and the rainy weather today just makes me cry more; why couldn’t it have been like this earlier this week? My dad tries to help but he has been breaking down crying multiple times a day, every time I keep apologizing to him, telling him I am so, so sorry. I know he must be so resentful of me for taking our companion away, even if he is trying to hide it. So again, thank you for giving me such support, you can’t know how much it means to me.

Nighteyes

Registered:
Posts: 7
 #12 

Dustin, Thank you so much for giving me such a message as well, I just noticed on the forum that you posted your own story – you are so selfless and so full of kindness to be giving me support when you have dealt with such a fresh tragedy of your own, and so similar, in some ways, to mine. Thank you for your words, he truly was a wonderful friend, my best friend.

I am so, so sorry about Bud; I have a response for you and I’m going to post it on your forum page.

hayley95

Registered:
Posts: 12
 #13 
I'm so glad my post helped you, even if it was just a little bit. I completely understand and even feel your grief because I too am in so much pain and I can't even begin to imagine the extra pain you're feeling. I know it's really hard to think of it as an accident but you just have to keep reminding yourself you never ever intentionally hurt him, the environment was what killed him not you. Yes your actions led to his death but you never in a million years would have left him there if you KNEW he was in there, that is the big difference. It was a terrible accident. I hoped you didn't mind me researching it a bit, I found when my dog died I kept on questioning if he'd of been in much pain if I kept him alive as it was tearing me up having to be the one to decide if his life ended (via phonecall after a routine scan - due to COVID I couldn't be with mine and had no idea that the last time I dropped him to the vets would be the last time I saw him) but researching helped me a lot to force myself to realise he would have suffered. In your case I wanted to help you try to realise it would have been a very quick death once his temperature peaked and I hope you find some comfort in this, don't torture yourself on the how he died that is what will kill you.

Mine was called Dino, he had suffered badly with allergies all his life and was at the vets almost every 2 weeks. Unfortunately they had not recognised his diabetes due to his medication side effects and it got to the point where he became extremely sick and combined with his allergies when they finally found out about his diabetes it was far too late. I blame myself because I should have forced the vets to do more tests, but I always took their word that the symptoms were 'side effects' even though I knew this wasn't like my dog. If I had of made them focus more he'd still be with me today and wouldn't have so much of his life taken from him. That's why I understand how much you're hurting yourself by blaming yourself. I didn't get the chance to say goodbye to mine too and when I read these forums I am so envious of people that knew their baby was dying, I wish I'd of had that chance. However 9 weeks later I still have A LOT of breakdowns I got him when I was 20 at a very depressive state and he helped me and that just hurts so much that I failed him in the end but it has learnt me a lot and I always try to bring myself back to reality even when its hard and understand that I couldn't have done anything, that's why I'm trying so much to help you understand you couldn't have predicted that day. Yours got you through some tough times too, so what I say to myself is don't let our bestfriends work be undone, don't go back into that state that they worked so hard to get us out of and that's what keeps me going.

Your Dad will never blame you if he is a logical human being, if anything your Dad is probably more grief stricken at the impact this has had on you aswell as mourning the terrible loss of Kai. Please try to talk to people whenever you're having a bad day, do not keep it bottled in or you'll explode. Whenever you look at anything you'll have negative emotions, the day mine died it was raining so whenever I see rain I am heartbroken but these emotions do eventually fade. You will never be 100% without Kai but you sure will eventually learn to cope with your emotions and grief. It won't be easy, but I am always a message away whenever it gets really hard. Try to remember Kai had the BEST life I've honestly heard of a dog having, you really really couldn't have loved him more and I'm sure he knew that. Try to do things when you're ready that take your mind of the bad events of that day, I personally built mine a shelf and got some pictures sent off for him but I know everyone takes different amounts of time to get to that stage but for me it really helped distract my brain whilst knowing I was honouring him and still thinking about him. I hope today is that little bit easier for you, take each day as it comes and cry when you need to. And never ever forget, it was an accident.
Dustin007

Registered:
Posts: 16
 #14 
Hi Night eyes

I fully understand your pain and thoughts, I am that owner who brought there dog hiking in the heat. we went earlier about 930 Sunday and nearly off the trail by 1230, we had alot of water and we walked at a 5 year olds pace, we also had a 13 year old border collie with us.

I will never forgive myself for brining my dogs out in the heat, I knew my Buddy didnt like the heat, we thought he would enjoy the walk and we planned many breaks. In the end it wasn't enough I had to carry him off the trail and we tried CPR.

if you are open to it I would like to exchange a few messages or speak I believe our circumstances are similar, I am having a hard time with my role as I failed my best friend.

there are a thousand what ifs i have as we should have stopped even more, we shouldn't have went, i should have known what to do, I should have just stayed home, how could i not pay enough attention to my best friend???


Nighteyes

Registered:
Posts: 7
 #15 

Today I found another piece of insight into my boy Kai's death that’s so, so hard.

I have not been able to touch my car, even look at it, since that incident. I broke into tears every day seeing it outside my bedroom window, and asked my dad to move it to the far end of the property so I didn’t have to see it. Even hearing him turn the engine turn on, I absolutely broke down.

Today, it was raining so hard, I had to retrieve my rain jacket from the trunk. I thought I’d be able to handle it; I had found him in the front of the car, not the back. The rain just makes me so much sadder, I wish it had been like this on that day.

As I walked up, I was so careful not to look at the front, I kept my head low, I tried not to think at all as I went to get my rainjacket. But as I opened up the trunk, and looked closer, I began to sob, so so hard. It’s a hatchback, he had managed to “break” the headrests of the back seats sideways so, in his desperation, he had gotten access to the trunk, when he was looking for somewhere, anywhere, to escape. Everything in the back of my car was crushed, pushed over, where he must have, in his desperation, been searching, digging, for a way out of that car. I found where his saliva had mixed with dust, in big pools, in one corner, making an outline of where it had pooled. I can’t handle this; I have so much guilt. I ask God why he didn’t give me any prodding, any tiny nagging at the back of my mind, that reminded me he was in there. I was just so close to him, so close to him, while he died, I would have been able to see him, if I’d just thought to look up.

I had hoped, after reading another post on here, that perhaps he had gone peacefully, that perhaps it hadn’t been so hard for him, but now I know he was frantic, terrified, searching desperately for any way out. He knew he was dying and went into every corner possible trying to escape. In his final moments, he was wedged with his nose into the brake and gas pedals, the rest of his body twisted over the front drivers seat. What a terrible, terrible way to die. Upside down, frantic, terrified, hot, so, so hot, I can’t even imagine.  I can’t even imagine the depth of the pain my baby boy went through. He was just such an innocent, kind, gentle soul – he never deserved anything like this, not even 2 seconds of this, and he was in there for hours.

I would take that death for him if I could. I don’t say this as a pleasantry, or for dramatics, I truly would take that death for him, I deserve that death. If someone gave me a portal right now to trade places with him, right in front of me, I would take it and put him in that nice cool room. It is so hard, I have so much guilt. This is not even that “I-feel-guilty-for-my-dog-dying-even-though-I-didn’t-really-kill-him” guilt, like if you need to euthanisze your poor animal or a freak accident happens, I truly, absolutely, killed my beautiful baby boy. This weight is so much on my heart, I can’t even function, I almost fainted yesterday night in the kitchen.

Chihuahuasoulmates

Registered:
Posts: 22
 #16 
Nighteyes,

I wish I could hug you right now. Each one of your posts has me sobbing and feeling your agony. I know this pain all too well because I’ve been living in it for over 3 years now. Yes...3 miserable years while yearning to have my 2 soulmates back. It’s the intense and relentless guilt that has kept me from being able to move forward. I’ve spent all these years completely dissecting their entire lives and what I did or didn’t do. Mistakes I’ve made. All the what ifs. Playing medical detective by researching everything on google. I’ve been living in hell and it’s no place to be. I don’t want you to end up like me. I can tell you that I do agree with some of these other posts. You didn’t intentionally do this to Kai. You didn’t say to yourself “I think I will harm my sweet baby today.” Of course not. You would never do that because you loved Kai more then anything in this world. It was a mistake and we as humans unfortunately make mistakes all the time. You got side tracked and these things just happen. I wish I could offer more comforting advice. Just know that I understand this level of pain and self blame. And I’m here if you need to talk.


Hugs,

Angie~
Rockymom

Registered:
Posts: 9
 #17 
Dear Nighteyes,
Honestly, I couldn’t sleep last night after reading and rereading your latest post. Your story is heartbreaking. I can feel your compassion and how you truly loved Kai with all your heart. I hope that by writing and receiving our support that it somehow helps you to know that you’re not alone in your grief. Those of us who have posted our stories are or were grief stricken and inconsolable as you are now. Please know we are here for you, we can listen, and we empathize.

As I wrote earlier, my little Rocky died from a drowning accident. It was the most traumatic experience of my life. He was one month shy of his 16th birthday, was unable to walk without a rear harness, couldn’t see or hear very much any more. I loved him like no other. Though I had been having conversations with my vet about putting him down, I couldn’t bring myself to do that. We had just moved into our new home, on a beautiful mountain ridge with ocean views and a pool in Honolulu. It was my dream home. Four days after moving in, Rocky tragically died. He somehow broke through the doors that led to the pool. I’m still grappling with how it all happened. I had closed the doors like I did for the previous four days, but I can only think that he was so desperate to go back to the old home that he pushed through with all his might, fell down two stairs, and wandered over to the pool without even knowing what was there. I’m almost sure now, as I go through the episode in my mind over and over, that I didn’t know what he was capable of doing in our new home. I didn’t know the house well enough to know how easy it must have been for him. I mention this because, like you, I was doing what I always did, going out to do some errands, only this time we were in new surroundings and the chain of events that led to his death were ones that I could never foresee in a new environment. It was a tragic, traumatic accident. I also have said over and over that his death hasn’t bothered me as much as HOW he died. I wanted to be there to comfort him as he took his last breath but instead he left this world probably wondering why I wasn’t there to save him from the water that he always hated going near.

I also have suffered from severe headaches. The day Kai died, you were not only dealing with your headache, but on top of that you were dealing with an unforeseen chain of events, minutes of you trying to tackle a multitude of issues that you hadn’t planned. Opening the truck door to let Kai out was something you surely did by rote. However that day your balance was off, you were not thinking straight, your head was pounding. His death was a tragic accident, it was not your fault. Kai loved you and would not want you suffering. It sounds as though you gave him a wonderful life, full of love. It’s taken me the three months since Rocky’s death, but I’m slowly coming to terms with knowing that he had a wonderful life and the accidental drowning doesn’t erase all the happy memories I had with him. I hope you will also begin to remind yourself of all the precious times you had with him.

Please know we are all here for you. Keep writing, keep talking, honor Kai with a shrine. My shrine to Rocky comforts me. These posts have also comforted me, knowing we’re not alone in our grief. Many, many hugs.



Fumi

Registered:
Posts: 3
 #18 
Nighteyes,

I am so terribly sorry for what happened. I can't even begin to imagine the pain you are suffering. I don't know how I could possibly ease your sorrow, probably no one ever could.

But there are a few things that I am 100% certain of.
First, you did NOT kill your best friend Kai, the heat did. Yes you accidentally left him in your car but that was a tragic accident. You didn't leave him to kill him.
Second, no, Kai didn't leave this earth feeling abandoned. No way. He must have been desperate yes but how could he have felt abandoned after having had so much precious time shared with someone that loved him to pieces? He knew never in million years would you abandon him and you did NOT.
Third, you have already been forgiven. Why? Are dogs born forgiving? Are they born without the emotion of anger? No I don't think so. They wouldn't survive in the wild otherwise. Then why? Because you made him so. You made him so by letting him know what true love meant. You made him know whatever bad happened to him would have been a pure accident/mistake by letting him know who you really were and he knew you the most. So I don't think he had the reason to forgive you for in the first place.
If anyone asks him who he wants to return to if possible, he sure will say it's you, even after having been through such a horrific accident. One tragic accident can't erase all the things you have done for him. Not one bit. In his memories, you are still the one that loves him the most. That cares for him the most. That shares the most unbreakable bond with. Always will be.

Maybe you will have to live with that shame for the rest of your life but not the guilt. Remember who your best friend was so you will know that beating yourself up is the last thing he would want you to do.
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