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Lynnsa

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Posts: 63
 #1 
It's been 4 weeks and 3 days since I lost my beloved dog max and I still feel in shock that hes gone. I'm in tears all the time as I'm just heartbroken. I keep 'seeing' him around the house - I just expect him to be in his usual places. When I'm out with my other dogs I expect him to come running up to us. Is this normal as I feel I can't think about much else and I'm pining so much for him. People don't seem to understand that I'm not over it - sorry I don't mean on here - I mean friends family and other dog walkers. I know I'll never get over it.
Eaoasx

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Posts: 2
 #2 
I completely understand what you are going through, we lost our puppy a few days ago and can’t stop thinking of him and see him everywhere. So you are not alone, I can’t tell you if this is normal or if it will pass but I can tell you that you are not alone and my prayers go out to you in this difficult moment...God bless you
Fionasmum

Registered:
Posts: 730
 #3 
You're 100% right - you will never get over it.  But you WILL get through it.  I promise you with all my heart.

Give yourself some compassion.  It's only been a month since you lost your beloved Max and it's impossible to process this profound change in such a short period of time.  People who think you should 'be over it' by have absolutely no say in the matter.  It was YOU who held the bond with Max.  YOU who loved him most.  YOU who is left to pick up the pieces of a future that does not have Max by your side.  How is anyone else the 'expert' on how or why you grieve?

All I know is that Max deserves whatever time it takes for you to try and find your footing in this 'new normal'.  He is worth that, and so much more. You've never lost him before, and you have no frame of reference, and no way to understand if something is 'right' or 'wrong'.  You simply have a broken heart that sees Max in every shadow, and feels his presence in every routine.

What I know, and I am many years past where you are now in this process, is that you can never really lose Max.  He is safe, secure and forever inside you, because who you are and who you become will always be influenced by the love you shared, and what he taught you about relationships, responsibilities, and selfless giving.  He's made you more human, and you will always have that part of yourself you owe to Max. But you cannot believe that right now.  Nor could I, as I thought I'd grieve and carry this terrible weight every day for the rest of my life.  

For you, right now, there is only this awful, dark, never-ending grief that takes the joy out of every interaction, and makes you feel exhausted with the sheer burden of loss. This pain is intense, because not only have you lost Max, you've lost that part of yourself and your identity that was so associated with being Max's parent.  You just want things to be back to normal, the way they were and, mostly, you just want him.  I know what that terrible wanting feels like - and there is no worse ache in your soul at how hopeless this is.

Yes, Max is gone, and he can never come back to you any more than my own little dog can be restored to me.  The worst thing that could happen HAS happened, and you could never have anticipated just how terrible the reality is.  There is shock, desperation, isolation, and sometimes even feeling like you're about to lose your mind (certainly in my case I though I'd lose it along the way).  

But I am here to tell you there is also a future where instead of thinking and obsessing about losing Max, your thoughts start to turn to remembering what it was like to HAVE Max.  Instead of filling your eyes with tears, the thoughts of Max start to turn the corners of your mouth up into a smile.  It's very subtle, and it feels like it takes forever to happen, but it does happen.  Love is stronger than grief, stronger than darkness, and more eternal than death.  One day at a time.  Today, you'll obsess about Max for 24 hours.  Tomorrow, you'll maybe find there was ten minutes when he did not occupy every part of your thoughts.  The next day, better, the day after that, worse.  There is no timetable, there is no right way to grieve.  This takes you on a more terrifying ride than any roller coaster ever could, and it's hard to make rational decisions when so much is at stake and in chaos.

But never fear, for the people on this board are all here for the same reason you are - to share our stories of love and loss and to help each other try and manage these early dark days.  I hope you continue to see and feel him for a very long time, because it's a sign and a symbol of just how close you still are, and always will be, to your beloved, beautiful, cherished little Max.  My heart breaks for you - and I am sending you every ounce of comfort I can through this letter.  I can truly feel the love you have for him in every word you wrote.   

 


Lynnsa

Registered:
Posts: 63
 #4 
Fionasmum thank you for this beautiful reply because this is all absolutely spot on. I know I will get through this but as we all know it is just such a devastating time and I just feel so lost without him. I think it is just starting to sink in that he has gone. Thank goodness for this board where I can put into words how I feel and also I know there are plenty of others going through the same awful emotions. Many thanks for your lovely kind words 💗
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