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Loz

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Posts: 35
 #1 
Can anyone out there help me? Its 3 month since I lost my  special girl  Berry suddenly to Hemangiosarcoma and I am struggling to live without her. I not only cry everyday but sob uncontrollably. Berry was my best friend , my  world , my life, everything was focused around her for nearly 14 years. The pain of not having her here with me is unbearable ! I am on medication for anxiety and depression and have my first counselling session this week. My partner says I have to accept that Berry was an old girl and we may have only had another few months with her even though we didn't know she had the tumour on her spleen until it burst. He can move on and remember Berry with a smile. I just feel so sad, we had a very special bond. Lots of people on this forum have replied to my posts and sent private messages and it is comforting to know people care even strangers on the other side of the globe. But where do I go now, how do I live without her?  I know I will never be the same person now that she has gone I just want to feel normal whatever that is now.   
cosesmom

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Posts: 465
 #2 
Loz,
I have been where you are now. When I lost Termy, I sobbed uncontrollably off and on for six months. I don't know what was my turning point but I did get past that and now I remember the void Termy left , with sadness. I still cry and shed tears often. I too take medication for depression. I think it helps and going to a pet loss support group once a month and counseling has made me see that there were far more things going on in my life that Termy was there to help me with and now he isn't. I am not suggesting that there are things in your life that maybe troubling you but that was my case. I too focused on the 16 years Termy  I shared with him and now after 18 months I still miss him. You will always miss Berry to some degree and you will mourn her passing. There is a new normal around the corner for you. It may take a while but you will be able to live with out her, only not the same. When you describe your relationship with Berry, it sounds like mine was with Termy. It seems sad that their are others that Berry and Termy's lives touched that they can move on sooner than we can. Berry was a wonderful fur baby and I am happy that you had each other. You were loved deeply and you loved as deeply. I have always wished that I had magical words to help take away other's pain and heart ache. I wish too that I could take away your pain. Please, know that it will get better in time. We all move forward at our own pace. Someday you will be able to remember a funny thing Berry did and smile. The tears may come but you will start to remember the sweet sweet journey you shared with Berry.
Love and doggie hugs
Termy's mom
Loz

Registered:
Posts: 35
 #3 
cosesmon, Thank you for your reply.
You right on a few things . Berry has left a total void and my life is empty. Also I have stress at work and normally I would go home and she would dissolve my worries. I love her so much I feel I have lost what was me. I'm not sure whether you know the story of Cathy and Heathcliff from Withering Heights but that was us. Loving each other, always together and we had our own moor where we walked each day in fact I used to say to her we are like Cathy and Heathcliff. I feel her passing has left me in a dark abyss where I just long to be with her. I hope the counselling sessions will help me. 
cosesmom

Registered:
Posts: 465
 #4 
Lo,
I know the feeling, Berry was your world, your anchor, your joy and your best friend and soul mate. When life throws curve balls at you, just coming home to A Berry or A Termy can make the world right again.Without them we are just drifting through the day without the pure joy that was part of our life when it was shared with them. I haven't been able to find that pure joy and blissfulness that I had in life when I shared it with Termy. I still long to be with Termy and probably will for the rest of my life. Every night I say to him "one day closer". I'm sure that the counseling sessions will help you and I hope that whom ever you talk to can understand the depth of your connection to Berry. Please let me know how you are getting on and if you need anything from me in the way of support and understanding.
Love and doggie hugs
Termy's mom
BiscuitsDad

Registered:
Posts: 10
 #5 
I'm so very sorry for your loss.

I know all too well the feelings you describe. They seem insurmountable. I cry every day, all day. I struggle with the notion of "moving on". Like your precious baby, my cat Biscuit was also my soulmate, my best friend, my reason for getting up each day. He gave my life meaning and purpose. He made life bearable. He made life wonderful.

How do any of us go on with this hole left in our lives. More than a hole though. Our entire lives have been upended. Our entire reason for being has gone away. 

I wish we didn't have to go through this but I'm thankful there are others who understand and who can stop by to offer words to help even if only for a moment.

Thank you for sharing your story. 

John


Loz

Registered:
Posts: 35
 #6 
Cosesmom and Biscuit Dad, Thank you for your support. I have printed and highlighted some of your comments which relate to how I feel  to take to my 1st counselling session today.
Things like
Just drifting through the day with no focus or joy.
The end of the day is another day closer to being with Berry.
She was my reason to get up, she was my best friend who gave my life meaning , purpose and made each day wonderful , she made every day shine. She was there for me and I was there for her .
Our song which I played at her funeral is Leanne Rimes , Please Remember ( Its on you tube) It says it all.
I have to keep telling myself that I wasn't going to have Berry FOREVER and that she didn't suffer. My partner and the vet nurse who I have spoken to since   says her collapse into unconsciousness was just like her feeling a bit dizzy and going to sleep like what happens when we faint. Its strange but when I was leaning over her trying to rouse her and telling her Mummy was here and that everything was ok now I saw I light in her eye slowly fade as though it was going inside of her then it just faded out. This was in her special eye, when she was a pup ( before I got her ) she ruptured her eye in a shrub  and the vet put a permanent contact lens in. She had normal vision just like any other dog. I'd like to think that she waited till I got in ( I was 2 min away when she collapsed ), she was lying staring at the door and that light was her going into some sort of coma. I keep asking myself did  we gave her a chance , would she had come around? It was 1 and a half hours from her spleen rupturing and her collapse till we let the vet help her pass away peacefully. Having had so many operations in her life and not coming around very well from having some teeth out 4 years ago I promised her no more surgery. That's why I said no to the operation to try and remove the tumour. At 14 I don't think she would have survived and I didn't want her to die all cut up on the operating table. At least I know I gave her that dignity.
BiscuitsDad

Registered:
Posts: 10
 #7 
Hi Loz,

You made the right choice not going through with the final surgery. Letting Berry go peacefully and without subjecting her to another operation was the best decision for her. There will always be the doubt, the "what if", but you knew in your heart at the time that she was ready and that another operation would only prolong her suffering.

I wish I had made that same choice for my Biscuit. Instead he died gasping for air and drooling bile, his eyes wide in terror, after spending 2 days in an oxygen cage. The image of him gasping and dying in front of me, knowing that he had possibly been going through this all night and all morning before I arrived (because the vet never called!) is crushing me. I cannot get past it.

Everything you say sounds so familiar. I'm counting the minutes until I can be with Biscuit again. I wake each morning in tears. I go to bed crying. I relive his last moments over and over. Each time I close my eyes I see him gasping for air. The anxiety and depression are suffocating. Like your Berry, Biscuit was my reason for being. He was my soul mate, my best friend, my sole purpose for getting up each day. 

I know it will take time for us to get through these terrible losses. Berry and Biscuit will always be with us. I so want to remember only the good and forget the horrible ending. 

I found a wonderful chat room on another site that helps immensely. I can send a link if you are interested.

Take care, be well.

John
Loz

Registered:
Posts: 35
 #8 
Hi John , Yes please send me the link for the chat room . Do you know I am in the UK. Today, for some reason the depth of our connection is very prevalent. She knew my every thought it was like were the same being. Often when we were just sitting together my partner would say look at you two. I think that is why my grief is so intense, we were as one ! 
Thank you once again for taking time to read and respond to my posts. You take care and try to think of the lovely times you and Biscuit had together.
BiscuitsDad

Registered:
Posts: 10
 #9 
Hi Loz,

I'm so sorry. I wish we weren't going through this. It's so impossibly hard just to get through each day much less do anything constructive for me. I'm just sleepwalking through my life right now, doing the bare necessities required of me.

The chat room is wonderful, although it can get very busy at times. I found it a couple days ago and have only participated in a couple chats but it's been very helpful. The moderators are wonderful and everyone is very caring and supportive. The times are 8-10pm EST so I guess 12am your time?

Here is the link: https://www.aplb.org/pet-loss-chat-room/

I hope you're having a better day.

John
Loz

Registered:
Posts: 35
 #10 
A strange thing happened on Friday . I'd had a particular difficult day just feeling even more sad and alone without Berry. I went to see my good friend , the only person who can understand the way I am because she knew the importance of my connection with Berry. She was saying that I had come to terms with the fact Berry was getting old but she said she knew it was the physical presence of Berry that I was grieving so much for. When I got in ( and there'd been no one in the house all day) the chair that Berry used to sit on was covered in her hair and along the side where she would sit. Also my glasses where on the floor when I'd left them on the coffee table. I felt comforted that it was a sign that she was still with me. Today ( Sunday) we took our grandchildren out for the day and  I  felt that my grief was worse because Berry would always come out with us , she was never left out. Berry loved our grandchildren and they loved her. When they were babies she would lie next to the travel cot and was always good natured with them. Today more than ever I feel I need to be with her.
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