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brownie0303

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Posts: 53
 #1 
I can't stop crying at home.  The house is so empty.  2 days ago I had to put my 9 year old dog, Brownie to sleep.  She was having trouble breathing and the vet told me that her heart was failing.  Seeing how much she was struggling to breathe, I made the heartbreaking choice to let her go.  I'm a 28 yr old woman with no kids.  I've had Brownie since I was 19.  She was my baby.  I was crying hysterically at the vet and made rash decisions that I will regret for a long time.  When the vet asked me if I wanted to be with her when she put Brownie to sleep, I said no because I couldn't see her do that to my baby and I wanted to remember the good times with her.  I'm crying because I realized now that I had her put to sleep with strangers around her.  Someone who loved me unconditionally and I could do no wrong in her eyes and I failed her.  I should have stayed with her longer.  I was crying really bad and said a quick goodbye to her.  I wish I've stayed longer.  I hope she forgives me.  I don't know how to stop these tears.  
RIP my sweet Brownie girl.  Please know that you have made my life so much better these past 9 years.  I miss you so much and I love you. 
teemix

Registered:
Posts: 345
 #2 
I know for a lot of people its too hard to be there in the final moments of theri babies lifes. You told her you loved her and you held her and loved on her before the actual time so Brownie knows you loved her, she knows you did what was best for her and that you were leaving her in good hands with the people that would end her suffering.
You didnt fail her, you choose what was best for her so she didnt have to suffer anymore. There is nothing for her to forgive as she loves you totally and knows you love her. You have to forgive yourself (Im a great one to say that as I know so much guilt) but its true. You did everything right for you and Brownie. You loved her so much and it shows in your post, and she loves you so much.
Just remember you didnt fail her, you love her and did what was best for her and you left her with a memory of your love for her and she will know you love her forever.
Luna13

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Posts: 846
 #3 
I'm so sorry that your precious Brownie has passed on.  Grief is a horrible thing, and guilt is probably the worst part of it.  When I had to put JP down, I was only 24 at the time.  I too could not be in the room with him, and that tore me up for years.  But I know now that as his sweet spirit left, he knew my heart, and I had to learn to forgive myself and let the guilt go.  Brownie knows your heart and your love for her.  It will take time, but I do pray that some day you forgive yourself and know that Brownie is happy and at peace, and has a big chunk of your heart with her to take care of until you are reunited one glorious day.  You took her pain- what a wonderful gift of love! Cry for her, she's worth it, and it will help you heal.  Come here too, and we'll all cry with you.  It's so hard but know that you are not alone.  Be kind to yourself.  You are in my thoughts and prayers as you miss your sweet girl.  God Bless.

Gerlie (Gypsy and Luna...my angels)
InMemoryOfRascal

Registered:
Posts: 2,440
 #4 
I am sorry for your loss of Brownie.  Guilt is a horrible thing.  My initial posts are filled with my grief and guilt.  I was there with my Rascal but I still had the guilt after....she was on pain meds, why didn't I hold her and talk to her longer?  why didn't I stay with her for longer after...i just rushed out the door in tears..  Why?

Reality is that everything happens quickly; our mind is not functioning like it normally would.  My Rascal, I had no warning.  Night before she is perfectly fine, next morning when my alarm goes off I hear her horrible cries (I didn't hear them in the night).  From time of waking to her cries to being home from the vet alone...2 hrs. 

Your Brownie, like my Rascal, loved us unconditionally.  Never held anything against us.  That is what is happening now.  They are playing around and only remembering the love and happiness.  I truly do understand.  I adopted my Rascal and her brother Rambo 10 yrs ago.  They are my kids.  I adore them, dote on them, and love them with my whole heart.  So losing Rascal has left a huge void in my life and heart.  My love for her will never end.

I know that the guilt and pain are hard to handle.  I am glad you found this board because it has been a lifeline to me.

Take care.
InMemoryOfRascal
http://www.myrascal.pets-memories.com/
Fionasmum

Registered:
Posts: 730
 #5 
Oh my gosh.  I am so sorry to read of your loss.

When my little dog Fiona died 18 months ago she was just 8 years old and had been diagnosed with a heart tumour that was obstructing her lungs - she was literally drowning. We had to make the heart-breaking decision to end her life.  

I could not stay with her at the end.  Fiona had been anesthetized for a CT scan so she was unconscious anyway.  I stayed at her side for a long time before my husband pulled me away.  She looked so peaceful compared to the distress she had been in when she woke up that day and started choking to death.  

What caught my eyes was the title of your post - I can't stop crying.  That is EXACTLY, word for word, the title of the very first post I ever made at this wonderful site.  And, like you, I have no children and Fiona was truly my baby.

There is no such thing as a rash decision when someone you love needs your help and your support.  Like many of us at this site, you acted to make sure Brownie would not suffer and have the terrible end that her illness had in store for her. There will never be a reason to regret being unselfish and making choices based on love.

I had to ask myself if keeping Fiona alive for a few more days or hours would have been for her benefit or for mine.  The answer, of course, was clear.

What's always the immediate emotion is guilt, the unwanted passenger that makes you second guess yourself.  Should I have done more?  Why did I not see any symptoms earlier? Should I have stayed with her?  Did I do the wrong thing?

The real questions, as I have come to discover these past 18 months, should be less hurtful.  Did Brownie know how much you loved her?  Of course, it comes across so clearly in your post.  Did having her in your life at all make you a better person and change you forever?  I can almost guarantee that people will see a light in your eyes that would not have been there is it wasn't for your relationship with your baby.  Would Brownie ever be angry at the choices I made knowing they were made from love?  No, Brownie loved you unconditionally and would be glad you could pull it together to help her when she needed you the most.

But it takes a lot of time and distance to move past this one, tragic day my friend. But you just do.

You will stop crying - eventually.  But at first it honestly feels like you never will. I still cry often when I think of my sweet Fiona.  There is no 'getting over this'.  There is only getting through it.  And that will happen, I promise you.

The start of this journey is going to be one of the most difficult challenges you'll ever face.  But there is no question that Brownie spent her life with a wonderful, compassionate and caring human who has the capacity to make the right decisions and move forward.  I am thinking of you.  And please write again to let us know how you are doing.    


YorkieHeidi

Registered:
Posts: 1,541
 #6 

Dearest Brownie's Mom:  As I'v said before, now I know what that song meant, "Cry Me a River."  Some days I felt I would drown in my own tears for Heidi until I decided that every tear was a kiss for her.  I think Fionasmum said it all.  God Bless and Help You Through This.  Come back often and tell us more about your precious Brownie.  Hugs and Hugs, YorkieHeidi

brownie0303

Registered:
Posts: 53
 #7 
Thank you everyone for your kind words.  I am so grateful to have found this wonderful site with people who understand and have gone through the same loss as I have.  I'm doing ok.  I'm taking this day by day and reminding myself that my baby is no longer in pain.  It's difficult when I come home from work and school and not have her greet me at the door with her tail wagging.  It's the tears that come unexpectedly when I glance at where her bed use to be or not hearing her whine and bark for me to come out of my bedroom to play with her or remembering her running around the backyard with my 4 year old nephew.  There are times in the day when I keep asking myself why didn't I spend more time with her when I had the chance.  My nephew earlier today told me that I shouldn't be sad anymore because Brownie is in doggie heaven.
I want to thank everyone again for all your kind words.  They have really been helping. 

  
    
Mare

Registered:
Posts: 11,059
 #8 
I am very sorry your precious Brownie has passed on.  Not everyone can be with their pets as they move to their new home for many reasons.  I can understand your guilt feelings, but Brownie knew you loved her to pieces and did what was best for the both of you.  Try and think about all the very special times with Brownie and not dwell on her last hours with you. 

Mare-wolf
precious Christoph ~ my sweet bunny boy ~

Penny1997

Registered:
Posts: 2
 #9 
Hi Brownie 0303,

I was searching the Internet to find out if there is a way to cope with my grief and how long it will last because I can't stop my tears. Many of the posts I found where in relation to lost human loved ones so when I found your post I felt that I could put in a response as you would understand.

I am so sorry to hear about Brownie and can really relate to your loss. My beautiful Russian Blue Penny passed away 2 days ago and I am not coping very well at all. I got her when she was a kitten when I was 14 years old and she was my constant companion until 2 days ago, she had just turned 15 years old. She was a house cat and acted more like a dog always wanting to be with me. I spent almost all the time I was not working in the same room with her. She would sleep in the same bed with me, Usually on my back or on the pillow next to me.

She had bad arthritis in her back legs and her jaw. She was never a big fan of wet cat food and from being young couldn't keep much down. The vet said this was fur balls and I purchased a fur ball treatment which worked really well. She loved dried cat biscuits which I called her 'sweets' and she would come running if she heard the bag. A few weeks ago she stopped eating the wet food and started to go off her sweets. I thought it was because she had lost some teeth and may have gum disease. Her teeth and gums did not appear to be in a bad condition though and I did not know why she lost them, assuming gum disease. The Vet told me it was because she had Feline Herpes Virus (Cat Flu) and this can result in tooth loss.

She contracted this a number of  years ago and to this day I have no idea how as she didn't go out at all. I was told that for this type of cat flu there was no vaccination so it is not something I could have stopped. She did not seem particularly unwell with this because if it flared up I would take her to the vet for an injection and then she would be fine again. It only flared up about twice after she originally contracted it.

I would take her for yearly blood tests to check her liver and kidneys as she got older and her results were fine but over the past two years I don't think I took her. As I stated above, she stopped eating and started to go off the sweets. I got worried that this could cause liver disease and she lost weight so I started to hand feed her. At first this was OK  and she put weight on but then she didn't like it and would growl at me. When she got hungry she would drink her water. She had her very own giant cup. When she was a kitten she had a drinking bowl but would drink out of my cup if it had water in it, so I bought her a big green mug.

She also started to walk more slowly  over the past few weeks and I thought it was the arthritis. On Saturday she stopped drinking, she would go for a drink and then shake her head. I thought it was arthritis in her jaw or her teeth. I put the litter tray in my room with her and she would pass urine but seemed constipated. I thought this must be her arthritis. My vet only works Monday to Friday and on the Friday she had seemed OK. As Saturday went on she got more and more depressed. She would go into her litter tray and meow as she was in pain. She would usually live in my room upstairs only going out occasionally to use her litter tray downstairs. I brought this up recently due to her arthritis so she lived upstairs.

On a night she started going into my sisters room (I live with my sister and my parents) which was strange. I thought this was because she was avoiding what I called her powder, which was cosequin cat for her arthritis that I would give to her before bed. She started to go downstairs more often too. Usually she didn't like to go near my Dad, I think she just wasn't too fond of men but she started to lay on the chair downstairs with him. On Saturday she was restless and went downstairs hiding behind the chairs and meowing at everyone. She was meowing at us telling us something was wrong and I could not bare it so I rang my vet and got an emergency number for another vet. I'd had a bad feeling all day and so did not want to take her to the vet but she was in pain.

I told them her symptoms on the phone in tears and they told me to bring her straight in. I went with my Dad. We went into an examination room and the vet felt her body. Usually my cat was only vocal with her family but she was meowing and growling. I explained her history with arthritis and that I thought she was constipated. The Vet said she was tight in her abdominal area and said she would give her pain medication as this may loosen her for a better feel. The vet also said she would take blood. They took her away, which I hated. My usual vet did everything in my presence and the only time she had been away from me was when she was a kitten and was spade.

I was told to wait in the waiting room and the vet brought her back out to me only for the nurse to say more blood was needed. I insisted on being there this time. The vet was sticking the needle into her neck and could not find the vein. Russian Blues have very thick coats and my usual vet would take blood from her leg. I explained this and the vet obliged me taking the blood very easily from her leg. The vet then went away to run the tests. She came to tell me the machine had broken so she had to run the test manually.

Penny seemed less depressed after her pain medication injection and she wanted to go home. I wanted to take her home but we had to wait for the blood results. The vet had told me that she would give her an enema so she could go to the toilet easily. I had also been told, after the initial examination, that she had an irregular heart beat, fast and then slow, fast and then slow. I asked if this was because she was stressed and the vet told me she would actually expect her heart beat to be much faster so I would need to get this checked by my usual vet.

I waited in the examination room, my Dad had stayed in the waiting room. The vet cam back and told me Penny's urea levels were off the chart and her kidneys were going to fail. I asked how long and was told it could be a day, two days. I was told that she could be kept over night on pain medication while they flushed her kidneys but the levels would build up again and the treatment could kill her because of her heart. At that point I made my Dad come in because I was in tears.

My Dad asked a lot of questions and the vet was pushing me towards Euthanasia. I kept thinking that I can't leave her. She would be all alone on horrible treatment and she could die. The vet said even with the treatment the problem was irreversible and dying with kidney failure was not nice. She told me  she would get blister on her tongue next. I asked how long the pain medication would last because I wanted to take her home and let my usual vet check her on Monday. The vet said it would wear off in 6 hours and she had given it to her at 8pm. I asked if she was sure about the results as I had my reservations about her. She told me she had ran the test twice and on the scale 10 was bad and Penny was over 50. I was told she would go in pain and that if I opted for the flushing she may die and even if it worked the urea levels would just build up again.

I was a wreck, shaking and crying and in the end I accepted that to put her through any of it was selfish as she would suffer so I had to let her go. As she was on pain medication she didn't seem so bad or like she was dying but I didn't want her to suffer when the medication wore off. I signed the forms and opted to stay with her. She went quickly in my arms but I feel so guilty. They put the catheter in her leg and then she tried to get back in to the cat carrier. I keep thinking why didn't I let her? I should have just taken her home. I am haunted by her appearance after wards now and thoughts about whether the tests were right and whether I did the right thing.

I was in tears all night barely sleeping because she was gone. My eyes are so swollen I look like I have been attacked and they are sore. On Sunday I stayed in my room all day. I had a bit of lunch and milk before bed but I couldn't eat. Every time I looked to the end of the bed, her usual spot, she wasn't there. She isn't there now and I can't bare it.

Every time my parents come to see me I cry and I can't go downstairs. I will just be sat there with them, crying, so I would rather be alone where I can cry. I work as a county court advocate preparing hearings at home and attending Court. I am not there until Wednesday unless something last minute comes up for tomorrow. I hope I am able to work without breaking down. My family understand my grief but other people would not, seeing only an animal and not my baby. I have lost my child.

I have been reading on the Internet which says that cats can survive even without 90% of kidney function. Many say the vet will advise euthanasia but this should be the last option as cat's can live with it on the correct medication. Now I just keep feeling so guilty, that I made the wrong choice. Where the results even correct? She is not there because of me and I am alone. My sister said grief is like the ocean and comes in waves. She said we just need to learn how to swim but I am drowning.
YorkieHeidi

Registered:
Posts: 1,541
 #10 

Stay afloat.  Your Penny needs you to survive.  One day you will be together again.  Imagine if Penny could  see your suffering.  Be strong for her.  When I couldn't stop crying I just told myself every tear was a kiss for my baby.  I knew if Heidi were there and realized how I was hurting, that would be the worst.  You have come to a place where everyone has lived with your pain and suffering.  I know it is the worst pain I have ever lived through.  None of us cares how "others" in our lives feel about the fact that they are "just" animals.  Those people don't understand because they have never experienced the bond that we have just lost.  Don't let anyone tell you how to feel - feel it and wade through it.  Eventually the quicksand that you are in now will let go of you and you will be able to see the light at the end of this deep dark horrible black tunnel.  It just takes time.   I believe you did the best you could for Penny.  For us, a second of pain for them, lives with us for years.  So, just know you protected her from that and don't think she doesn't know it.  God Bless You.  Hugs.  YorkieHeidi 

Penny1997

Registered:
Posts: 2
 #11 

Thank you for your kind words YorkieHeidi. It helps to have a place to discuss all this with people who know what I am feeling. After I had written my post I felt a little better. I was able to sit with my family for a couple of hours tonight without crying. It is when I come back to my room where I feel it worse because she is not waiting there for me anymore. I miss her so much but I am glad she no longer feels any pain. I am going to be as strong as I can for her. I know in time I will adapt to her absence but for now I can't turn my feelings off so I will just try to accept them. Knowing there is a light waiting at the end of the tunnel will help. Thank you again for replying.

Rainestorm

Registered:
Posts: 1
 #12 
My cat Stevie died yesterday because she was sick and was having seizures I keep on crying and I can't stop I miss her so much she was over ten years old and I tried to talk to people but they told me that it was just an animal and no one cared and I really needed someone to tell me that they were sorry that my cat died and I miss her so much. It's a terrible feeling and I hope she is ok and that she has no more suffering. I really needed to let that out and I hope she is in heaven happy. She will be happy now I love you so much bye Stevie
R.i.p. Stevie my wonderful old cat
snickers11

Registered:
Posts: 10
 #13 
I am up because I can not stop crying too and it has been 3 weeks.  I think love and pain do  not change if it is a animal, human, friend, family, spouse  ect. The loss of my dog and the way it happened is probably one of greatest painful experiences I have had (and like most of us I have had my share of wow I survived that).  I hide how much pain I am in to the best of my ability so I don't bring others into "my pain" but when alone I HAVE to cry.  I don't know what else to do with the pain and usually after crying a little relief comes.  I think our creator designed crying (in some cases) for healing. I  pray there will be healing at some point and many have said healing does come. I know my Mom does not want to "look" at  the fire or the loss of my dog.  This scares me because not feeling the pain and not crying or looking at it does not make it go away and I think in the long run this will cause her more pain.  I am letting myself cry (when alone) since I can't stop looking or thinking or feeling when it comes to Snickers and the event. 

Hold on to anything (people, the right words said to you during this time, music, ....) that brings some kind of comfort to help you through this grieving process.  That is what I am trying to do.  Wish this was easier for you.... I wish this was easer for me and anyone that goes through this!

Kristin
Georgette

Registered:
Posts: 4
 #14 
My beloved Chikorita passed away last September and I'm still crying. Because it was an accident and I feel guilty. Guilty because I wasn't extra careful and guilty because I thought he would be fine. He died the next morning at the emergency vet. They had him wrapped nicely in a wee wee pad and in a little box. When I opened and uncovered he was lying on one side and his eye was half open. Made me go into shock ...the other eye was closed. I tried closing his eyes with no luck . This image will haunt me forever. Why didn't they close his eye? Didn't they know that I was going to look at him and hold him for the last time???

. He was 27 years old and I loved him......💔😔✝✝✝

Here's his page on FB. Includes a link on his it happened. Im trying so hard not to think about it.

https://m.facebook.com/497236916963293/photos/a.498882850132033.120007.497236916963293/1614402878580019/?type=3&source=44


https://m.youtube.com/watch?list=PL63AF06667F5AA241&v=73kObbSYM2E
Capanne1990

Registered:
Posts: 1
 #15 
Im 28, my dog died wt home on the 18th. His name was Bo and he was 9 years old and couldnt breath either, the vet thought he had a heart attack from the stress. I was screaming and crying, i held on to him for a few minutes then i had to put him in the garage for cremation the next day.

Its funny how our stories are similar.

I cry every night over him. Imdont know how to cope, i dont know how to feel. He was my baby.
Mon2018

Registered:
Posts: 1
 #16 
My name is Mon, i am an ordinary calico cat when my owner adopted me in 1995. I hardly fall sick except for that one year my calico sister and i got an infection near our tails in 2012 and we both healed with blessing from God.

My owner always reminded me and told me that 'God send me to her because she needed help'

I have always listened to all she had to say and i make sure i listen attentively even though i have no idea how i could help.

Years passes by and in Jan 2018 i lost my sight and the Vet do not rule out anything serious other than old age. My owner had to deal with many life challenges and was having a nervous breakdown about my condition. She checked in on me, clean me, build steps for me around the house, feed my favourite food, hugged and talked to me.

In return, i assured my owner i am fine and that everything will be okay by prooving to her that i can find my way to the toilet despite my blindness. My calico sister and i are toilet trained since baby so we have no idea what the litter tray is for. My owner was so delighted when she found me in the toilet and hugged me everytime i relief myself.

I try not to write about my emergency visits to the Vet on 13 March and 21 March, because i don't want my owner to be sad when she read this.

On 22 March morning, God invited me home and i passed away in my owner's arm. I was buried on 23 March while waiting for other family members to give me a final hug.

My owner is still crying today when she pray to God and wipe away tears. She is grieving for me and said to God 'Thank you Almighty God for giving me Mon for over 2 decades for she is an extraordinary cat'.

Please pray for my owner and my calico sister for i am in a place where there is no more pain and sorrow, just a lot of love.

I love my owner and always by her side with my small tiny wings,
Lots of love to all pet owners and their deprted and surviving pets,
Mon ♡
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