Registered: 1564282256 Posts: 1
It's taken me a long time to be able to do this. I've never been good at putting my emotions into words. But after the loss of my cat this past monday. And not having funds to go see a grief counselor. I figured why not try to air my grief online. Not because I believe it will help me. But to just let it out in some way.
This past monday my dad and I put down our beloved cat pinky. To give a short backstory we adopted pinky from a petsmart charities here in cleveland back in 2014. She was 4 years old and the most adorable tuxedo cat I've ever seen. She was super playful and even played catch like a dog. She wasn't super affectionate and didn't like to be held to much. But she was a bundle of joy. A few years ago we discovered here laying down on her side breathing really heavy. Her tongue was sticking out and she was clearly struggling to breathe. We immediately took her to the vet. And upon arrival the vet was immediately trying to talk us into euthanizing her. She eventually agreed to take a look at her first. She discovered pinky had a severe lung infection(come to think of it she didn't mention severe at the time) as well as asthma. She basically told us we would be able to prolong her with medication to help calm her asthma. At the time she didn't tell us at all that she believed we were on borrowed time with her. And me not knowing much about health issues with cats I walked out of the vet office that day believing she would still have a full life with us. This past weekend my dad woke me up to tell me we nearly lost her friday night. Sure enough I go into the kitchen to discover her laying on her side breathing heavy and mouth open and her struggling to breath, I immediately go into panic mode and beg my fiancee to borrow some money to take her to a emergency vet. We get to the emergency vet and the vet tells us that she her lungs are fine and she was just having a asthma attack. They let us take her home. After bringing her home we soon discovered that she wasn't going to get better. We then took her to our main vet on monday morning. And the vet said it wasn't good and that we should go ahead and make a decision. We weren't even there for a full five mins before I felt we were being bullied to make a quick important heartbreaking decision. Up until that moment I believe she could've been saved. Not thinking clearly emotionally and seeing her on the table suffering we made a rash decision to euthanize her. And because I fought so hard to try and save her till that point. I couldn't stand to be in the room as the vet put the needle in. After getting back home I felt a wave of emotions come over me. Anger, sadness, heartbreak and strong feeling of emptiness. I felt so angry at the vet as I felt like they gave us no time to come to the decision on our own. I also was angry that they didn't even attempt a x ray or anything. I've heard horror stories in the past of vets bullying people to euthanize when they felt the owners wouldn't be able to afford the vet bills. I feel like I murdered her. That I made rash decision in a extreme emotional state. Even worse I feel like I failed her by not being strong enough to be in the room. Since her death I can't stop crying. I feel empty. Nothing brings me joy. And everytime someone tells me it will get better in time. It gets me angry. I have huge emotional baggage when it comes to death. It scares the crap out of me. I don't see it as a beautiful thing. And while I do acknowledge it as a part of life. It cripples me. I don't believe in the 5 stages of grief. I don't think I will ever get over this loss. The cat was a special thing to me and my dad in so many ways. She gave me a reason to carry on everyday. I just can't stand she is now gone :(. I'm sorry if this sounds like a bunch of rambling. It's hard to even type this out :(. I don't know what I'm going to do about this grief:( I can't stop crying :(.
Registered: 1444060919 Posts: 639
I am so sorry for the position you find yourself in. It is a position that takes a very, very long time to come out. But you will someday not feel the super strong anguish and hopelessness that you feel now.
Pinky was amazing, I can tell. I am truly so sad to learn of Pinky's passing.
Registered: 1564373187 Posts: 19
I completely understand! I still remember my cat that I grew up with. My mother ran over her on accident. And my dog Smiley who died recently—I’m struggling to be happy. I don’t even know if I’m ready to. And people will tell you how to feel and how to grieve—that’s always lovely isn’t it?!
In my current unbearable situation, I don’t frankly want to carry on but I have to. I am made stronger by two things: 1. Bettering my life economically so I can do things differently with other pets, and 2. Honoring my pet’s life by being grateful for the good times. This is really hard initially, but when I say, I’m so happy for the times we had without illness aren’t you? —I feel slightly more at peace. And this is unusable for some but if you pray—or just hope—to visit with your cat’s spirit, you might just get your wish. It happened to me and whether I was crazy or dreaming or not, getting to say I was really sorry and saying goodbye was really healing. I felt an electromagnetic tingling energy on my side where he always rubbed and snorted playfully. And then I felt a rush to my face. He was trying to lick my tears. And for a moment we were together across the divide. Try it. You’ll feel much better.
Registered: 1228097186 Posts: 67
Thank you for sharing.