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Emma77

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Posts: 3
 #1 
My bun MJ passed away yesterday on 12/30/19 at the age of 6 and I haven’t been able to go to work or stop crying ever since. He lived in my parents’ yard in a hutch and this morning my dad called me crying saying that he had disappeared and his pen had been knocked over. I started crying hysterically in the middle of a Starbucks...I blew off work and drove over immediately to search our yard and the grounds behind it and even though I knew there was no hope I still hoped I would find him hiding in a bush or somewhere nearby. But instead I spotted some of his fur beneath a tree. I couldn’t bring myself to look so I made my boyfriend go check and he said it was definitely his fur. While we’re not sure what got him we think it was probably some kind of bird.

I got him in 2013 back when I was still in college. I wanted to get a pet because I had never had one growing up. I wanted a dog but my dorm didn’t allow them so I sort of “settled” for a bunny. But he turned out to be so cute and sweet and charming and goofy and I ended up loving him more than anything I ever had before in my life and I was so protective over him.

After college I moved back home to my parents place and I had wanted to keep him indoors but my parents wouldn’t allow it. We got into many fights over this but eventually I had to compromise. We got him a nice hutch with a connected pen in the backyard. He was able to run around there and graze on our grass and he was happy. In the summer when it got too hot outside I was allowed to bring him inside for a few days. Then my dad got a big outdoor umbrella to put over his hutch to protect him from sun and rain so he just became a full time outdoor bunny. He seemed much happier outdoors so I was ok with it. He was always a very mischievous and active and independent bunny and he didn’t like to be picked up or cuddled with or anything. And He loved to run around but he couldn’t do that in the house because of the tile floors. Out in his hutch he had all the grass he wanted to eat and would run in circles and binky and I knew he was more suited to be an outdoor bun at the end of the day.

About 3 years ago I moved out and got a dog. I didn’t take MJ with me because of the dog and also because he was so settled at my parents place and had such a nice home. My dad took great care of him - he always gave him cabbage and celery and all the stuff he loved eating. I would only see him in passing on the weekends when I went home to visit. Some days I went and spent time with him in his pen and gave him scratches. Other days I didn’t. I feel guilty because I started giving all my attention to my dog...but it was hard to spend time with MJ when I didn’t live at home anymore and also MJ didn’t really require much attention the same way my dog did.

Over the years he became part of our family and a constance at our home. Whenever we looked outside we would always see him out there sleeping or just hanging about. Some days he slept on his side like a person and that always cracked us up. And when we stepped outside to see him he would always hop over curiously to say hello before hopping away. Even my parents who never wanted pets had loved him. I was always kind of worried for safety in the back of my mind but 6 years have passed without incidents so I thought we had made his home secure enough.

I really thought he would live to an old age because he was always so strong and healthy. And one day I wake up to find out that he’s just suddenly gone and in such a tragic way. If he had died from old age I would have had time to mentally prepare myself. But my mom says at least this way I can remember him as a healthy and happy bunny before he started getting old and deteriorating. I just can’t stop picturing in my head the way he was killed and everytime I do I start crying. I don’t want any children so my pets are my children. How does one deal with something this terrible happening to their child? I know that in time I’ll get better but I don’t think I’ll be the same person again. And it’s making me even more upset that one day I’ll have to deal with my dog aging and dying too. I don’t know how I’ll be able to cope.

Sorry for rambling so much and thank you to whomever reads my post. I’m glad to have found a place where I can grieve and find solidarity.
grievingmom

Registered:
Posts: 639
 #2 
You weren't rambling Emma77. You were sharing the details of the loss of your pet child. The details are important as they give a bird's eye view into all that went down. Clearly you loved MJ and still do. And you have been very traumatized over all that has taken place. 

As for crying in the middle of Starbucks. no problem. That was a sign of love. I was crying in the middle of Best Buy where I worked as a cashier. And telling people who came up to buy something why I was crying. The manager came over and got angry with me.

I do hope you will write back more and continue sharing with us how you are doing. Even if by a day to day basis.

Peace and love,
Stephanie
Emma77

Registered:
Posts: 3
 #3 
Thank you so much for your kind words Stephanie! I’m sorry your manager was so insensitive. I went to work yesterday and was holding back tears at my desk all day. How long did it take to be able to smile and enjoy life again? I’ve been a little better but I can’t seem to feel happiness anymore because everytime I feel like laughing or smiling I just think of my bunny and what he had to go through and get sad again. I almost feel like I don’t deserve happiness because of what I put him through.

Of course I know it’s not directly my fault but looking back I keep thinking of all the things I could’ve done...I even regret getting him in the first place because I was an immature kid who didn’t do enough research on the responsibilities that come with getting a rabbit. I just wanted one and got one without thinking. I should have foreseen that my parents wouldn’t let me keep him inside their house and being a student without my own income and my own place, I had no say in the way he was raised. Although he lived a very good life still, it didn’t have to end so tragically had I been able to keep him as an indoor bunny. Sadly I think this is a lesson I have to take away.
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