Registered: 1545096789 Posts: 32
Last might my guinea pig fell behind my bed while I was downstairs. When I came back up and saw he was missing I walked over to my bed and thought I heard him make a single purr but I didn't know where he was. The first placed I searched was behind my bed and I didn't see him so I continued looking elsewhere for at least 5 minutes. I finally decided to go back to behind the bed and with my flashlight I found him pressed up against the wall and stuck between a pillow and a drinking glass. I screamed out and picked him up and there was vomit everywhere and he was limp. He wasn't cold and his eyes were still watery and wet. I felt for a heartbeat but I could not tell if it was mine or his. He wasn't breathing and I tried to blow air into him but he was gone.
Now looking back on all of it I am killing myself over whether or not he really had purred when I walked to my bed.. was he still alive? ..had he just fallen as soon as I walked upstairs? ..could I have saved him had I known CPR? ..would he still be alive had I seen him the first place I looked, only to overlook him and waste 5 minutes of his precious life and last gasps of air? He was my best friend. He was just a baby. I had never ever loved anything or anyone the way I loved him. I have been completely inconsolable for the last 24 hours. I cannot live with myself. I cannot stop thinking about what I could have done to save him. What if he was still alive and had just fallen when he heard me walking up the stairs and in those 5 minutes that I couldn't find him, he died, wondering why I wasn't there to save him. I cannot cope with this. I will never get over this.
Registered: 1228097186 Posts: 67
Thank you for your post.
Registered: 1444060919 Posts: 639
You have a very hard situation here. I am drawing upon my own experience with my own girls when they were in the last hours and minutes of their lives. So that is where I am coming from. I was there for both of them during that time. And the lesson I am sharing with you took years for me to grasp.
You may have heard him purr..if you said you did, you did. You wouldn't imagine that. However, he was losing consciousness so even if you had found him at that time, because of where he was in terms of his life span and the upcoming end of his life...I don't think you would have been able to save him. When my cats Pearl and Emerald were in their final moments, I did not understand what this meant. I thought that at any moment if you medically intervene, you can save a life. That at any second of the life span, a life can be saved if you implement the right treatment or 'thing'. But that is not true. The way that you describe you boy, he was in his final moments. In short, he was dying I believe when you hear a purr come from him. But he was "dying" just the same and death was imminent. It is impossible to wrap our minds around the fact that our beloved could be "dying". But there is always the last few minutes in their lives. Pearl was awake while I was having her euthanized. But overall, Pearl was dying. I kicked myself for years because she was alert while being euthanized. Wasn't I killing her? I was "killing her" but she was dying and would have died whether i had her euthanized or not. And that's the same with your boy. I believe you did hear him purr but I also believe that he was in his final moments none the less. And that even if you had intervened, it would have been his time to die. You must be so sad. That makes me sad for you. I am sad for you. Peace and hugs, Stephanie
Registered: 1544566382 Posts: 44
I am so sorry that this happened. Just the shock alone must be devastating. You've come to a place where you will find people who have been down the same road as you have, felt the same horror, shock and guilt that you are experiencing. Please take care of yourself. And take some comfort in the knowledge that you WERE there for your furbaby, you held him in his final moments.
Again, I am so so sorry
Registered: 1527444915 Posts: 69
I am so sorry for your loss. I was struck with something “ grieving mom” said. When any of our beloved pets are in the process of dying it is our normal instinct- reaction to try to save them or think we can somehow save them. Although futile as it may be we still think we could have somehow , someway stopped the inevitable. Every living thing will one day die & although we know this, it doesn’t help us cope any better in those final moments of life. We need to grieve the loss , yes, but to beat ourselves up over it & blame ourselves for their untimely death or even timely death doesn’t help anything at all. Accidents happen, illnesses happen & these things are out of our control. Our beloved pets wouldn’t want us beating ourselves up. I am guilty of this as well. But something she said just finally resonated with me & for that I thank you both for coming here & sharing your stories.
My best friend who went everywhere with me, We vacationed together, we hiked, we swam, we watched fireworks, parades, went to countless festivals, ate at the best icecream shops, howled at the moon, went trick or treating with my daughter, allowed strangers to pet & love on her, & who did something so silly every day she made me laugh. She was my protector, my loyal loving German Shepherd- the dog I had always wanted growing up but my parents never let me. I thought I at least would have her for 14-15 years. This past May , she was playing in the backyard in the waterhose like any other day when she suddenly ran up to my feet , fell over with a thud, & when I bent down to see what was wrong her eyes were still open but she wasn’t breathing, I shook her but she was limp. I don’t know if there was a heartbeat at that moment or not. I was in full panic mode & didn’t know what to do. I was alone & I must’ve been screaming & crying her name because all of the sudden my daughter who had left for work came through the patio & saw me panicking. I was trying to breath for Jada , trying to do CPR , but I didn’t know how. Within about 5 minutes her eyes turned very black & appeared to bulge out of her head, this really freaked me out. I found out later that meant she had passed. My telling you all of this is because I was so distraught & not able to grasp what was happening that I tried “ saving” her probably for a good 45 minutes until the mobile vet came to my house & pronounced her dead. Even then I still wanted to transport her to a ER vet as all other vets were closed for the day. I beat myself up for days, weeks, months for not being able to save her. I thought if only I knew doggie CPR, if only I could’ve picked her up & got her into the car & got her to a vet they could’ve saved her. Why couldn’t I? I tried to pick her up but she was so limp & soaking wet that I was terrified I would break her neck. I couldn’t leave my other 2 unattended as I don’t trust my neighbors. Then I beat myself up for playing wirh the hose with my dogs, if they weren’t all soaking wet , I could’ve let them in & got Jada to a vet, or maybe she would have never collapsed in the first place. Maybe the water hose killed her, so I was thinking, but why didn’t it ever before, why were my other 2 fine? My brain didn’t stop questioning myself for a second- Did she get water in her lungs? She wasn’t gasping for breath & she wasn’t choking she had had a ball in her mouth like she always did. For a while I believed that I somehow caused her death. Why didn’t I just go up in the office & work that day- maybe she’d still be here? How can an otherwise healthy dog just drop dead? My answers after weeks of endlessly beating myself up were this: Several vets told me its not as uncommon as I believed. It happens. Its a cancer that spreads through vital organs that goes undetected even by blood tests. It has very uncommon & sometimes very little signs, things you would never think oh - my dog must be dying. The cancer can even become a tumor around the heart & when it bursts death occurs quickly. So I had to be told by numerous vets that it was NOT my fault, nothing could’ve been done to save her. Her time on this earth was up. Her journey here had ended & hopefully her spirit is still on a journey in a good place. Beating yourself up doesn’t change anything & it only makes you feel worse. The grief we feel of their loss is overwhelming in & of itself. Please don’t continue beating yourself up - I know I did for far too long. And I guess we need to accept that we really have no control over when a pet or even a person dies. We think we do but we don’t. Every day we have is a gift. Thank you grieving mom for what you wrote because even though its been 6 months that Jada left this earth- I’ve still beat myself up over her death, which was Eminent. The moment she collapsed she was already in the process of dying. No CPR would have brought her back, no surgery, nothing could have. I guess I am thankful that I was with her, she looked into my eyes as she passed & if she could talk she would have reassured me that she loved me & that it was just time for her to go & that she didn’t want to go on a vets cold table during a futile surgery but that she would’ve had it no other way then to be at her home doing what she loved. This is the 1st time I’ve been able to believe that, even though I’ve said it before. My screen is all wet & my eyes are blurry but I wanted to thank you for this gift you gave me. The guilt is lifted. My hope is that we all allow ourselves to feel the love that our pets that have passed on want us to feel, rather than guilt & agony. The love lives on if we allow it in. May all of our beloved furry companions rest in peace, & wishing love & peace to all of you. Forever Jada’s mom
Registered: 1545096789 Posts: 32
I truly appreciate your post and it means so much to me that you took such an effort to write such a long message when I know how much pain you are in yourself. The way you found your best friend and the way I found mine are so similar and beyond traumatic and I now unfortunately cannot stop obsessing over thinking that maybe he fell and broke his neck and was still alive and when I picked up his limp and warm body I murdered him with my own hands, not knowing his frail condition. My days have gotten nothing but worse. The yearning for him is truly the worst pain that I have ever known in my life. It is setting in more and more that he is never coming back. Everyone else's world around me is spinning like nothing ever happened and I'm over here in the exact same spot, crying harder than I was the day after it happened.
Registered: 1544902779 Posts: 34
Doglife what you said is so true. Or what grieving mom said resonated with me also. That’s exactly what I thought I was doing somehow helping my 20 year old cat well both cats get better . To stop the in inevitable by giving 24 hour care. And after they have gone you not only lost your beloved pet but also your job .
I am so sorry for your loss dogmom.so traumatic. And you also arosettamason. I so miss my little kitty. 20.6 yrs old. She was the sweetest girl.all 5 pds of her-hence her name. Stroke was traumatizing! I felt so bad for her! Going on 10 days...cannot deal with being in her room.she had her own room .I am still hit with waves of grief. It may be too soon but I’m looking and hoping to find a new kitty . I know it won’t replace either sweet kitties that I bottled fed when they were little. I would love to give a rescued cat a forever home. To have Another kitty to love and care for. Love and hugs, Peanuts mom