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GinaXOXO

Registered:
Posts: 28
 #1 
I want to let everyone who has posted here know that your stories have been profoundly helpful.  I have never had grief like this.  The past two days I have literally said out loud "I can't do this, Jasmine -- how do I do this -- I can't I can't".  I know many of you can relate to this.  I've started changing my mindset to more of a --this hurts because you were so precious -- but, because I want to focus on your love, and what a blessing you were to our lives, I am going to focus on you and your love and joy and how darn much I miss you and cherish the days I (we) had with you. 

At this moment I have that little "I can't do this" popping into my head but I push it out and talk to her -- out loud -- I tell her this is hard.  My dryer just buzzed and as my heart tightens realizing that normally she would have gone with me, and stayed out of the way, while I put the laundry away and how much I loved having her peaceful presence with me.  I would talk to her as I stood up -- "ok, pumpkin, Mommy has to go put the laundry away" and she'd pop right up and go with me.  On our way back I'd check in and see if she wanted to go outside.  Everything I did -- every moment -- was like this -- kind of a little synchronized dance between the two of us.  

Jasmine was with me every day all day.  What a blessing.  We have our own business so I got to take her with me.  For the past year I started working from home most of the time.  It was just me and Jasmine during the normal work hours.  I didn't realize how much I depended on her.  I kind of thought it was the other way around -- that Jasmine depended on me.  I was so wrong.   

On the evening Jasmine died I literally did not sleep.  I couldn't. Jasmine's passing was a shock and I was searching google trying to figure out what happened, what I should have seen, what I should have done, or if it is possible that her health changed that quickly.  I had my laptop in bed, and because that would have been a time when we weren't really doing that synchronized dance, she'd be sleeping or resting with her eyes on me, I didn't notice yet how much she took care of me.  But, that moment is coming.

After I while I got out of bed and came to the living room and sat in the chair she'd share with me and I felt so alone.  Normally, if I got out of bed she'd give it a minute to see if I was going to be a quick trip or if I was going to be a while.  At some point, she'd decide that it was long enough and she'd get my husband to let her on the floor.  I'd hear the pitter patter of her nails on the floor and she'd put her front paws on the side of the recliner and sit with me to keep me company.  I'd pet her and tell her "Oh baby, I'm sorry I woke you up, you could have stayed in bed, I won't be much longer".  

So, that first night I didn't hear the pitter-patter of her feet and that was the only thing that would have fixed what sent me out of bed and into the living room.  And, I started sobbing feeling such profound loss.  That is when I started saying -- how do I do this?  I can't do this.  What am I going to do -- over and over.  That is when I realized how much she took care of me.  She kept me from feeling alone.  She helped distract me from what was on my mind.  She was such a sweet joyful little girl that I'd smile and talk to her lovingly and my mindset would change from stress or boredom to happy and playful.

The next morning I pulled myself together because I needed to talk to the vet and her puppy sitter.  Her puppy sitter is knowledgeable and has been my rock when I needed advice with Jasmine.  I explained to her how I was feeling, that I thought I missed signs, that early intervention would have changed everything.  But, I needed the truth.  If I was going to get closure it couldn't be based on being told what I wanted to hear.  I asked her if she saw signs and she said absolutely not - Jasmine didn't exhibit any of those signs.  And, because of her vast knowledge has made her go-to for many of us with furry friends, she told me about her friend who had a younger dog that had the exact same thing happen.  She also talked about grieving and how some will tell you "it is just a dog -- you can get another dog" and that it is ok to grieve. I don't have to get rid of all of her stuff right away.  Take time.  I'm so grateful to have a friend who has been my rock when it comes to my precious best friend.

Later the vet called me and told me that there was not anything I could have done.  It can happen that quickly and she was fine 3 weeks earlier when she was at the vet.  So, luckily I don't have the guilt and I do feel better about it.  I didn't get to be with her when she passed and I am still working on processing that. The vet has her own guilt about that and a couple of other things.   At some point I will share that and the story of her passing.  Right now what I need to talk about is how hard my routine is without her.  Every moment of my day the two of us were dancing.  We knew each other so well.

So, the morning was ok.  I had a mission.  Then I took a pee-break.  Part of the dance we did, because I felt it was only fair that if I got a pee break that Jasmine got one too that I'd pee and the moment I stood up she'd be racing to the door to go outside.  So, instinctively, even though my focus was on how I was suffering from losing Jasmine, I started for the front door.  I stopped myself -- paused -- and started sobbing (I can't do this -- how can I do this?).  Then I pulled myself together to work from my laptop and saw a white blanket on the floor that fell to the right shape that for a moment I thought to myself - oh, there you are - and even started to process what I was going to say to her "my little tiger!".  And, that was it.  The rest of the day I sobbed.  And, darn it every single thing I did made it worse.  Going to the kitchen, opening the door, loading the dishwasher, when my husband came home, all of it I thought about our dance.

And, it was so quiet.  I never realized the void she filled for me.  I knew I talked to her but I didn't realize how much.  I didn't really know how much her peaceful presence filled me up.  I didn't realize how much she entertained me or helped set up a routine.  I don't want to sound like I didn't appreciate her -- I did -- I adored her and loved taking care of her.  I just didn't fully realize that she was taking care of me.  She was so gracious about it.

Then I found you.  I'm still processing everything.  I'm processing how to process it.  I'm trying to change my focus from wondering how I could have changed the outcome to focus on what a blessing she was and because she was so perfect it is going to be hard without her.  

About two weeks ago I decided to get a desktop and use my office.  Previously, I was doing my job using my laptop.  So, of course, my little Dollie was with me and helped me set up the office.  She preferred to sit on my lap but I moved around too much in the office so eventually she'd have me put her down so she could rest.  She found her spot to be near and out of the way.  I need to go to the office now.  And, there is that tightness in my chest knowing that normally we would dance our way to the office.  I'd tell her that Mommy needs to work and I'd check in with her to see if she needed to go outside first.  I could see her from my office window so I'd let her sit on the porch watching the squirrels and waiting to see if her best furry friend, Teddy, was going to come out.  Then they'd bark at each other -- and at this moment I feel so much guilt --why didn't I  get them together more often?  It was easy enough.  Teddy's Mom is my best friend and she is a stay at home mom.  I need to process and accept that.  It does hurt me.  I loved making her happy and spoiling her.

What I wanted to share with you today is that every moment of the last 13.5 years I've been dancing with Jasmine.  So, every movement I make, or even when I am still, I am reminded that I am dancing without her. I miss her.  It is so quiet without her. I feel so alone.  I sometimes think I see her because that is where she is supposed to be at that moment.  I find myself instinctively looking for her in the spots where she is supposed to be.  I realize now that I was constantly checking on her and making sure she was ok.  And, you all know, her days were spent making sure we were together and she filled me up with her unconditional love.  What a blessing she was.  Truly.     




Julesnjemma

Registered:
Posts: 11
 #2 
This post was truly beautiful and made me cry..
I'm so sorry for your loss and I think I didn't realized how much I depended on my Jemma either until she is gone..she was my shadow... I worked from home and she followed me everywhere...
She got sick very suddenly and I am still going over in my mind if we did everything we could have.
I don't want this new reality.
She gave me so much companionship.
Anyways.
Hope your day is ok today.
💞
GinaXOXO

Registered:
Posts: 28
 #3 
Thank you @Julesnjemma.   I am sorry for your loss also.  I like the name Jemma.  I think we have very similar experiences.  Jasmine was my shadow too.  But, there was another element that I thought was great -- she didn't just love me.  She loved the whole family.  When they came home from work she made her rounds with all of us.  About 15 years ago I lost a dog as a puppy.  She was a one-owner dog.  She didn't want anything to do with anyone but me.  I think that was just her personality and Jasmine was more interested in all of us.  

I don't want this reality either.  Part of what I said when I said I can't do this was I don't want this--over and over and over.  There is something I thought about today.  Jasmine went before I thought she should without a doubt.  I still think if I would have seen this coming I could have made some moves that would have given her a long life. And, darn it, she deserved that because she loved her life.  But, being honest with myself, I would have kept doing that too long, I would have done it until she didn't have any quality of life and until she had pain and difficulty.  That isn't fair to her either. 

There was another time when Jasmine wasn't well two years ago.  I started to prepare myself and I promised her that if we had to put her down that I wasn't going to cry.  I wanted her to pass in peace.  I planned on helping her relax and telling her she was a good girl and all the things I would say in her normal life.  I didn't get to be there and that bothers me.  I was able to take her home moments after she passed.  She felt like herself and I have convinced myself that her soul might have waited for me, her Daddy, and human brother before she left her body.  I thought I was prepared but the moment I saw her looking so alive I wasn't able to control myself.  So, now my talks with her have been much more like I had planned.  Hopefully, her soul is still around and she can rest in peace.

I hope your day is ok too.  Thank you for your support.  I really need this feedback.  

  
Heidi4907

Registered:
Posts: 39
 #4 
I am missing a real partner too, a cat. He always knew what I was up to. Watched everything I did. Watched me clean, watched me sew, attacked the vacuum cleaner. Dropped toys at my feet or in my shoes. Rubbed the corners of books as I read. Slept at my feet. In my closet with me when I was getting dressed or undressed.  As soon as I sat at the computer he was up on the desk, frequently sitting on the key pad. So many things like that, things I miss. So much love between us. He was the world to me and I know he felt the same.
Thank you for your post, and for reminding us to remember all of the wonderful things too as we are lost in our grief.
GinaXOXO

Registered:
Posts: 28
 #5 
Awe, he sounds like he had a lot of personality.  I lol'ed at him attacking the vacuum cleaner.  There are some pets that see the vacuum as the enemy. Did he like crawling in a box??  I saw my Mom's cat do that the other day and it was so cute.  She said it is common.

It is so hard!  I'm at the beginning stages but I have felt so much more at peace by purposely changing my mindset.  I have cried today but I haven't felt so hopeless.  

I am sorry for your loss.  This isn't easy but they were worth it.
Heidi4907

Registered:
Posts: 39
 #6 
I cried as soon as I read your reply. Yes, a huge presence and personality. Very intelligent. Part human I think. A great big orange tabby boy, Coco, named after the baseball player Coco Crisp. Just about to turn 13 when I lost him to cancer. Yes, boxes were his favorite, even thought I bought him the fanciest beds. His favorite was a cardboard box tipped on its side, with a floor of brown packaging paper. That's where his ashes are now.
So empty without him. I miss him every single minute. I'm so sorry you're going through this too. But how could it not hurt so much, right? Pure love.
GinaXOXO

Registered:
Posts: 28
 #7 
[IMG_0476]
GinaXOXO

Registered:
Posts: 28
 #8 
I *think* I figured out how to post a picture of Jasmine.  I've already told you a lot about her.  And, I think you can look at her picture and see her personality come through.  I miss her.  I wish she were here.  But, I am healing.  I'm sending you all hugs.  I know we are all here because we are grieving.  I wish it weren't so hard.  But, someone said early on that it is hard because there was so much love.  It is true.  I adored her.  
Heidi4907

Registered:
Posts: 39
 #9 
Awwww. Looks like she's straight from the beauty parlor. Such a happy face. I can see why she was a little bundle of sunshine for you.
I still can't come to this site without crying. Yesterday was 7 weeks for me. I'm doing better but worse the past couple days. Grief isn't exactly a linear process; more circular. I miss Coco so much, every minute. Always thinking of what he would be doing. Every night after I went to bed he would carry a mouse around for at least a minute and make very strange meows at the same time. I always looked forward to that. So many things I miss. Miss that love.
Thank you for the picture. Maybe I'll post one of Coco but it's too hard to look at photos now. I wish I wasn't that way because I have really great photos of him.
GinaXOXO

Registered:
Posts: 28
 #10 
Oh, yes!  We need to see Coco!  You can do this -- it is part of the healing. 

Sometimes it takes my breath away when I think about her or talk about her.  It took me a week to finally post about Jasmine's passing on social media.  I'm glad I waited so I could post about what a blessing she was and honor her life instead of the despair I posted here the evening after she passed.  We're in a process that is a roller coaster of emotions.  

Hugs, Heidi.  I am with you on this.  Lean on me.
hayley95

Registered:
Posts: 20
 #11 
Goodness Gina, she was so beautiful, what an absolutely gorgeous dog.
You can tell how much she loved you and how loved she was just by looking at that picture, beautiful.
GinaXOXO

Registered:
Posts: 28
 #12 
Thank you, Hayley.  That means a lot.  She really had a great disposition.  Sending you hugs.  I hope today is going better for you.  
goofygirlinva

Registered:
Posts: 1,191
 #13 
Oh my goodness, Gina, what a beautiful dog she was - as Hayley said, you can just see the love for you in her eyes. 

What a stunning picture, you must be so glad to have a picture that so very clearly captures Jasmine's essence.

You are so very right - going through the grieving process and getting used to our lives without our beloved pets is ridiculously hard. But they are worth it. I know I would do it all over again in a heartbeat, and I am sure you would do the same.

Hugs to you as you navigate life without your precious Jasmine...

Kelly
Mom to Angel cats Blackie, Squeeker, Thomas and now Rufus

Heidi4907

Registered:
Posts: 39
 #14 
Thank you, Gina. You have been a big help for me. Honestly.

I'll post a picture of Coco sometime, before too long. 

On the roller coaster together.

-Heidi
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