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hayley95

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Posts: 20
 #1 
Hey babyboy.

It's been 10 weeks in 2 days, crazy eh? I had a real bad week this week, real bad. I'm trying so hard though to not sink back into depression. You fixed that for me and I refuse to let your work be undone. I promise this sadness and these tears are just off losing you, I'm coping - I'm rationalising with myself after every meltdown - I'm getting there, slowly.

I'm starting to not blame myself, it's hard though, infact I don't think I'll ever not blame myself - but I know in the back of my mind I did everything for you that I possibly could without medical knowledge - I did all my research, it all just didn't link up until the very end and I'm sorry for that. I just wish I could have said goodbye. I know I could have asked for you to be taken out to me and then taken back in, but I didn't want you to think you were coming home. I know how stressed you used to get, trying to claw back into the car. I couldn't face that being our last goodbye. If I could have been in there with you when it happened, I promise you I would have. I would give my life to go back in time and take away COVID and be there with you if they would have allowed me to. Most of all is I'm so sorry I missed your diabetes, I promise you I gave the vets all your symptoms but unfortunately no matter how much they cared for you, they just thought it was your allergies baby. I tried to blame them, but now I have come to terms with the fact that you were just a very sick puppy... all your life. I hope I made it the best it could have been though, I hope I didn't fail you.

You were so precious, all your fears of strangers that I used to hate because you wouldn't allow anyone but your closest family to love you... but now I am so thankful that you chose me to trust and be allowed to love you the mostest. Every single quality, I miss about you. You really were my bestfriend Dino. 
hayley95

Registered:
Posts: 20
 #2 
Dear Dino,
My day was ok today, I haven't cried. I have slept a lot though.
There was a spider on my desk today, for the first time I let it just keep crawling and not take it outside just because I'm so scared that it might be you coming back to say hi. You know how scared I am of spiders too. I think I'm just still looking for signs that you're okay.  I think you completely converted Mom into a dog lover, she misses you so much. I've never heard her complain about noone being up at 6AM before, but now she's so lonely of a morning without you waking her up. I can't believe how much she misses you, it just shows how much of a big impact you had on us all. She even said she wouldn't mind another dog when she retires (lol - I know so out of character), you completely changed her. I don't think I could have another one though, it'd be so unfair when I love you so much. Our bond was so special. No matter how empty this house is, nothing will make it full again without you here.

I guess all I wanted to say today was, I'm doing ok. But I still miss you so much it hurts.
I hate that my life will never be the same and I took those 5 years for granted.
I hope tomorrow the emotions don't come back in floods, it seems every week when it's the day you died I just get inconsolable, I hope I'm a bit stronger tomorrow.

10 weeks tomorrow of missing you baby.
Love you always.
hayley95

Registered:
Posts: 20
 #3 
So this time 10 weeks ago we were sat in the car waiting for you to go in for your scan. Little did I know it would be my last moments with you. I just remember those quick 3 kisses I put on your head as I picked you up and handed you over. I wish I’d have known it was goodbye.

I have to keep reminding myself of the state you were in that day, the last ever pic of you, you had sick on your front leg but I didn’t want to mess you around and bath you because you were just out of it. I feel so guilty that all you wanted to do was stay in bed but I had to lock your bed so you couldn’t get back in because we needed to go to the vets. I wish I hadn’t of done that, I feel so bad for not letting you get back into bed. I feel bad for making you have your muzzle on for 20 minutes because the vets was late, I should have taken it off until they came out but I didn’t want to rush you. I feel bad for letting you be in pain with your back turned to me, I should have cuddled you whilst we waited. I just didn’t want to hurt you more I’m sorry.

I miss you so much my heart hurts.
I have to put my brave face on for work now, I love you.
hayley95

Registered:
Posts: 20
 #4 
I rang the vets before work, I asked them if I could have the scan results as I hadn't had them.
The lady that answered remember you, she remembered our visits at the other branch. She told me there was nothing I could have done more to save you, she said the urine results on record were really really bad. Apparently they scale ketones in a certain way there, and yours were a 4. I don't know much about that but she said 4 is really bad. She said she bet it happened so suddenly, which it did. She said I was not to blame, that no matter how much earlier I'd taken you, no matter what you would never have recovered from it. It gave me a bit of peace before work knowing that I couldn't have helped you anymore. Knowing that I made the best choice for you, to not die a painful death from DKA.

However since getting back from work I am an emotional wreck. I miss you so much, knowing this doesn't bring you back does it.

It hurts so much Dino.
It really really hurts.

I miss you so much.
hayley95

Registered:
Posts: 20
 #5 
Hey di di,
I thought I heard you make a noise this morning, wasn’t you obviously. I have to stop myself thinking too much about you as I just end up crying too much.. but you are always on my mind. I just can’t delve too deep into the memories or else it hurts way too much. I couldn’t sleep last night, I spent 4 hours in bed just thinking about you, trying to imagine how tall you were against my drawers. Crazy I know but I’m just so scared I’ll forget something about you, I want to remember every little thing about you. I’m trying to memorise all your white marks. The line down your face, the brown on each of your cheeks. The white at the back of your neck. I just never want to forget anything about you.

I’ve been really strong since Tuesday. I’m sure it’ll catch up on me again. Your Nan retired!! Finally!! I wish you were still around so you could keep her company. I love you angel. I still think it’s so surreal that you’re gone. I keep hoping it’s all a nightmare and one day hopefully I’ll wake up and you’ll be around again.

Just wanted you to know I love you and miss you. Think I’m dried up on tears after the start of this week, but I’m sure they’ll be back again in no time. You took my whole heart up there with you. I hope we can reunite one day. I love you Di x
hayley95

Registered:
Posts: 20
 #6 
Where’s my dog?
I miss saying that, you used to come running from anywhere wagging your tail.. even when you were a pup.

I’m still being strong, I think the vet call really helped. It answered a lot of my questions and the fact she remembered you reminded me you were a regular there. I’m so glad I don’t have to take you there anymore, I spoke to someone else on here tonight who had a fearful dog and it reminded me of all our vet trips. I hated them. Seeing you so scared broke my heart. I’m so glad you’re at peace, I just hope you’re not scared with any strangers up there, I hope you’re truely at peace and you’re watching over me. I never believed in the after life till you died and now I HOPE so much that it exists. I just want to see you again. I just want to know you forgive me.

Most of all I just wanted you to know I’m still missing you every minute of the day, still the first thing on my mind of a morning and the last thing on my mind of a night. Still hoping and praying that one day I’ll see you again. I love you SO MUCH my little Dino.
hayley95

Registered:
Posts: 20
 #7 
Hey baby boy.
It’s midnight so I guess that officially means it’s been 11weeks, god these weeks go by way too fast.
I’ve been quite strong even though I’ve barely been getting any sleep because I just toss and turn and think of you all the time. Literally every second of the day you’re on my mind. I haven’t cried since your 10 week anniversary which is a good sign, maybe I’m getting stronger but in the morning we will see as that’s when it always seems to hurt the most .. every Tuesday.

It rained today, I hate the rain. It was so so sunny until the day you died and that was the only day it rained. So now whenever it’s a miserable day it always reminds me of that day. I hate it. Whenever I see magpies (which is all the time) I hate it too, right up until your death all me and your nan kept seeing on our daily walks was 1 magpie. The magpie of sorrow, I’m a full believer in that saying now because sorrow really was coming.

I just wanted you to know I love you so so much baby boy, I hope you’ve made some friends wherever you are. I hope you’re being taken care of. I miss you so much every day. I’m in that part of grief where I just don’t know what to do with myself, I lost everything the day I lost you and I’m starting to accept that. I’m just living for everyone else now, in full zombie mode. I can’t wait until I see you again whether that takes 1 year or 60 years I hope you wait for me with a cuddle.

Love you my precious angel x
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