Registered: 1206414832 Posts: 196
There are so many different layers to this burning grief. Herbie has been gone for nearly 10 weeks, and last night was two years for Belle. The shock has turned to deep sadness like I've never known before.
For so many, many years, I had my kitty family with Belle and Herbie at the helm as my babies who lived with me, slept with me, snuggled on the couch watching TV and the ferals who lived on the back porch and sometimes came in to hang out with us in the living room when it was cold. Now they are all gone except for the one who never comes in. I've lost 4 in less than 2 years. And two others 4 years apart before that. At one time, I had 6 -- even after I found homes for countless of their kittens. I always thought that when the time came for that last goodbye, that my life somehow would have become more full, more in order and that I would have found someone to spend the rest of my life with. I thought of my kitty family as the "place holders" until my life would get better -- sort of like little guardian angels to help me until the happy part of my life would start. I didn not seek them out, but rather, they simply showed up and gave me love and I had them to love. I envisioned that I'd have someone to be with me during the sad end of my cats' lives and transition me to the rest of my life. Someone that I could hold onto so I would be strong. But it didn't happen. Nothing in my life has changed in all of these years except that now I am all alone. I guess as it turns out, those years with my babies WERE the happy part of my life. I wish now that I had known so I would have appreciated it all more, even though I loved them with all my heart. Maybe that dream of happiness was what helped me handle the knowledge of the inevitable with my babies -- that they each would someday die. God, I am so sad. Herbie and Belle's Mom (and Shirley, Ladybug, Cookie, Muffin and Charles)
Registered: 1194492978 Posts: 5,100
Oh, Herbie's Mom, I certainly can relate to your feelings. I am so sorry you are in such pain. For the first nine years I had Betsy, I was single and searching for someone to complete my life. I look back on that time now and think how complete it already was with my little minpin, Ralph, and my precious little terrier girl, Betsy. I would give ANYTHING to be able to go back just for one day and see her, and little Ralphie, when they were strong little pups full of mischief. Little did I know, they would grow old so very quickly. Really in the blink of an eye. I am married now and my husband grieves the loss of Betsy almost as deeply as I do, but I still think back on the days when we were the three musketeers. We just have to cherish each and every moment with these joyful creatures.
Sending hugs and wishes for peace, Melissa Betsy's forever mom
Registered: 1206449055 Posts: 657
HerbiesMom, This could have been written for me. The years with my dog were the happiest of my life--I feel nothing but deep, deep sorrow. I always have a lot of fear because I have to live forever without that feeling I had with her. Sorry to hear you are having such a bad time. Just wanted you to know, I feel the same.
Registered: 1182281874 Posts: 540
Dear Herbies and Belle's Mom, I am so so sorry you are so sad and having such a hard time dealing with the loss of your beloved kitties, Belle and then more recently Herbie and that you feel so alone right now. Losing such beloved members of your family like that is so extremely devastating because they are just that precious members of your family that you spend each and every day with. I am sorry you are alone in your grief and that you don't have a special someone to share that with. However, perhaps more furry friends will come your way to bring love and happiness to you. You sound like a wonderful, loving furmommy and there are so many kittys that need love and to be rescued. Perhaps in time you will be ready to adopt another or two into your home. It has been over 10 months since we had to put our 17 yr old beagle Peanut to sleep and it still just kills me. I think of her every single day and still feel guilty about putting her to sleep when we did. She was old and had health problems but she never lost the light in her eyes and that haunts me to this day. She was everything to me, my soulmate. I have had dogs my entire life but I have never had that type of one of a kind connection with any of them like I had with her. When I saw her take her last breath and pass in my arms I felt like a piece of me died right there with her, it was this strange feeling of dread and unhappiness that draped over me like a curtain and has not been lifted since. I strugggle to come to terms with my guilt everyday but so far I am not winning. Peanut was like a child to me and all I ever wanted was to take care of her. That is how it sounds like it was with you and your Belle and Herbie. They were your children and so of course it is natural to grieve for them. I am so sorry for your losses and I do hope that peace does come to you.
Registered: 1205715660 Posts: 763
Dear Herbie and Belle's Mom, I feel so bad that you are so sad. I know the lonely feeling. I have 5 other cats and a wonderful family, but I still feel lonely without my best friend, my beloved Mr. Meowgy.
I want to tell you a story. A year and a half ago one of my outsides showed up with a plastic pickle jar stuck on her head. It took 3 days but I did catch her. Of course I took her to emergency etc. I named her MIRACLE. Everytime I look at her I get such a wonderful feeling because I saved her life and now she is living like a little princess, safe and warm and loved. I know I have already suggested this to you and I know no other could replace your darlings Herbie and Belle. But you have so much love to give. In the near future maybe you could adopt another little furbaby. There are so many that need someone to love them and you may very well be that someone. Herbie and Belle and your other babies would want you to help a baby in need. I wish you peace and comfort. Donna, Mr. Meowgy's mom
Registered: 1194654202 Posts: 881
I also know exactly what you're saying. It's been 6 months since I lost my Cicio. The sadness and missing her grows each day. Most times I can't believe she's actually gone.
I, too, live alone and Cicio was my only companion in a place I don't even want to live. We migrated here from another State. She balanced me and made it liveable here. I was content just to spend my evenings with her. You're not alone in your feelings. I'm sending big hugs to you. Donna
Registered: 1197839779 Posts: 1,328
My condolescences. I can understand where you're at. Losing your pet family and being alone. It can be unbearable grief. There aren't any words for this type of grief, are there really?
Nurture yourself--good food, hot tea, favorite old movie, I dont' know, something that gives you comfort is important. I believe that all of these attachments we have had in the past are still there for us now. Just not in the here and now physical realm.
Registered: 1208924734 Posts: 5
Dear Herbie and Belle's Mom , I truly understand how you are feeling and I am sorry you're so lonely right now. You're a very sensitive and kind person loving and caring for all those Kitties for so many years and receiving their love in return. Its awful to think that you have been so busy caring and loving them for so long and now there is nothing to do ! Its amazing how they just seem to come to you from nowhere ! That may happen again , you never know ? What about that one who stays outside ? Maybe you could encourage him or her to be more friendly and gain its trust ? I believe you could do that. Or at least sit outside with it for some company ? You were so kind and compassionate to me in your post (about Jeri yesterday) that I wish I could be more helpful , but I'm not sure I can be ? But I do know how it feels to be lonely for a special someone , with nobody on the horizon , and dealing with the grief of a pet that has recently passed. Its so much to deal with all at once and it must be overwhelming for you too. I wonder sometimes how I am going to manage without my Jeri for love and company. But I want to remember her for what she gave me not what she has left me with. Know what I mean ? Draw strength from your happy loving memories of Herbie and Belle ... I am sure that will make you smile. Please believe me when I say that I care about you and I hope that somehow something will brighten you up soon. But in the meantime stay in touch with us here and let us know how you are feeling. Its OK if its much the same , more or less , we understand and will listen. Take care. Steve