Your post broke my heart. Please accept my heartfelt sympathy and deepest condolences. I lost my beloved boxer Buster to lymphoma. I tried everything to save him but eventually I had to have him euthanized to spare him suffering. Buster was everything to me and my life revolved around him. When I would go to visit my mother and sister I would bring him and their lives would revolve around him too. Everyone who met him soon became totally obsessed with him. I've never seen anything like it and could write a book about it!.
I am a Born Again Christian and the Bible teaches that ALL animals, unlike all people, go to Heaven. I knew for a fact that was where Buster was going and as my best friend--who drove in from out of state--and I sat on the floor with Buster petting and hugging and kissing him as the vet put him to sleep I told Buster where he was going and that he was going to see Jesus. Buster knew the name of Jesus--I don't know how he knew maybe from his previous owners who were also Christians--and Buster went with a big smile on his face.
After it was over my best friend had to help me walk to the car. All I could keep saying was that I wanted my Buster back. Even though I knew that Buster was in Heaven with Jesus the gut wrenching agony of being separated from my child--even though I knew it was only a temporary separation in the grand scheme of things--was unbearable. I was paralyzed with shock and grief. When we got home my best friend had to change me into a nightgown and put me to bed. I couldn't even roll over and she would have to turn me. I couldn't hold a glass and she had to give me water through a straw. Looking back I am surprised that the grief did not kill me.
But as with the previous loss of our beloved Brutus God wasn't done with me yet after the devastating loss of Buster and He sent me my beloved huge and magnificent Big Baby Baron. And after the loss of Big Baby Baron He sent me Brewster who is here with me now cuddled up against me in bed as I type. Darling Brewster is a permanent foster that no one would adopt from the rescue for nearly five years and who had to live all alone in a cage but who we love with our whole hearts and are spoiling rotten to make up for all those caged years. Who would have thought that a dog who was so bad that no one would adopt him would actually end up being the perfect dog for us and us the perfect home for him? But God knew. Darling Brewster is not mean or aggressive to humans but has a few uncontrollable behavior issues which are not an issue for us due to our specific living situation.
Someday when I die I will go to Heaven and have every single one of my beloved pets back--never to be separated again. But in the meantime God keeps sending me more and my eternal pet family keeps growing. Each and every one has been so special that looking back it has been worth the awful pain and grief each temporary separation has caused me.
Your euthanizing your beloved Murmur was not a 'horror' that you committed. It was the greatest possible act of love and sacrifice on your part. You took her pain and suffering away by taking it upon yourself. That is true unselfish love. And you honestly do not have to wonder where she is or worry about protecting her because the Bible says that she is in Heaven. The very moment she left this world she found herself in the loving arms of Jesus. Your beloved Murmur is young and healthy again and is running and playing and leaping for joy in the gorgeous green fields of Heaven.
Unfortunately I know the indescribably horrible pain and grief you are feeling and my heart truly goes out to you. I know that it doesn't seen possible now but please believe me that eventually it will get better. I will keep you in my prayers.